Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Uncurbed enthusiasm

A heated argument breaks out at the safari guesthouse about the TV comedy show Curb Your Enthusiasm. It concerns an episode in which the petite black comedienne, Wanda Sykes, breaks off her engagement with a rap singer on discovering that he is “running around town eating pussy”. The ladies present are of the opinion that Wanda had acted appropriately, denouncing her fiancé as a slimy-tongued philanderer who ought to have his lips sown together. The male guests take a contrary position, arguing that Miss Sykes had overreacted. She should have realised, they say, that a rap singer is a breed of man for whom eating pussy is like eating popcorn – a snack of negligible significance. One of them goes so far as to suggest that Krayzee-Eyez Killa had proved his fidelity to Wanda by reserving his own private parts for her exclusive satisfaction.

You are doubtless now expecting to hear of my own contribution to this debate. “Gorilla Bananas surely intervened to smooth ruffled feathers and cool heated tempers,” I hear you say. “He devised a compromise formula that coaxed the bickering humans into renewing their cross-gender camaraderie.” Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. My lips, on this occasion, remained firmly sealed (if not actually sown together). Life is not an episode of The Waltons and there are times when the antagonists must settle their differences without my arbitration. I cannot always play the part of a hairy King Solomon.

What I was motivated to do was watch the episode in question on the HBO video-on-demand channel. One must always examine the evidence before making judgements about alleged sexual misconduct. In the
opening scene of the show, Mr Killa recites the lyrics of a new composition:

If you say anything

You’ll beg me to die

Coz I’ll make you suck my dick

Then I’ll nut in your eye

I’ll stomp on your world

As if my name is Godzilla

I’m coming for you motherfucker

I’m your Krazee-Eyez Killa

In virtually his next breath, he informs Larry David that performing oral sex on women of diverse ethnicities is one of the great passions of his life:

“You’ve got all different flavours of pussy,” he explains. “The best pussy to eat is Asian pussy.”

The man clearly believes that oral sex is a panacea for life’s problems – a heinous punishment to inflict on an enemy in one context becomes a gourmet delicacy in another. Such are the nuances of ghetto culture. Yet natural justice demands that we consider the matter from the viewpoint of his fiancé. For a wife to have the taste of her private parts compared unfavourably with countless Asian women is undeniably a gross humiliation. Had I been betrothed to Mr Killa, I simply wouldn’t have stood for it:

“If the taste of my pussy isn’t good enough for you I’ll serve it to someone else!” I would have declared frostily.

On the other hand, it does seem rather harsh to dump a fellow for habits he presumably acquired during his bachelorhood. Shouldn’t a man contemplating matrimony be given a chance to mend his ways?

So on due reflection, I would have advised Wanda to take Krazee-Eyez back on condition that he gave up his promiscuous pussy-eating compulsion. A mere declaration on his part would not suffice. To prove his sincerity, he would be required to eat raw chillies for a month in order to cleanse his palate and permanently numb his taste buds. Purged of his ability to appreciate the subtle flavours of a woman’s cha-cha, he would surely be cured of his indecent obsession. Even the most hardened addict can learn to kick the habit.

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Wow. I didn't even know rappers LIKED cats!

That's what you mean right?
Hmm GB, that advice needs to be expanded a bit. I'd suggest some intermediate yoghourt, the last thing any girl would want is a chili-seasoned tongue-lashing .
Ok, wait.... um...

This post has messed up my head.

Maybe a pussy on a stick will come in handy, to stop him from sniffing around.

But eating raw chillies is much more appropriate if you don't plan to kick him to the curb.
sex is dirty, smelly, and results in children.

It is only ok when alcohol is involved.

Kudos to the ape for helping us out with this.
and while he's eating chillis for an entire month he also won't be getting any head! double punishment - clever plan there ape

(also, for some reason, before reading the third person referral of 'he' to your person, i thought you were a woman)
Yes, I too jumped to the conclusion that eating raw chillis to treat an obsession with cunnilingus would more likely lead to disaster rather than cure! Couldn't he just be given lots of oysters to eat?
Vegetable Assassin: Neither did I until I wrote this post. Blogging can be very educational.

Inkspot: He shouldn't have any appetite for it after the chillies. But if he did, he would have to gargle in banana milkshake first.

Donut girl: I don't think that kicking him would do any could. These characters are very easily provoked to excess.

Palgolak: I'm glad you've found a moral to the tale, even though it's not one that would have occurred to me.

Dorothy: That doesn't surprise me. We silverback gorillas have a feminine side to our personalities.

Gadjo: That would be rewarding him for his sins. And I don't think he'd lose his appetite for coochie.
Went to Dusk til Dawn on the weekend. You want pussy, we've got pussy.
Not sure about chillies, a month's worth of my wifes cooking would suffive.
Wow...what an education I'm getting around this place.

Never cross a man that says he'll nut in your eye.
Having seen someone inadvertently get raw chillies on their privates (long story) I would suggest that eating them for a month and then eating pussy would be rather painful for the missus.

Alternatively he could just smoke a pipe for 20 years like my Dad did - he can't even taste a vindaloo nowadays....
Who knew the Congo got HBO video-on-demand?


Dearest Mr Gorilla Bananas, speaking as one practised in the field and having developed my seasoned palate over many decades, may I commend to you and the supporters of this, your mighty organ, my own favoured appellation? Bon.
Nothing can surpass the heavy sweetness, borne on a viscous river of lilac and Parma violet and the wonderful tongue-tang, that the fabulous, fabled, 1959 vintage offers the connoisseur. Nothing.
Truly, you know when you’ve been tangoed.
How vile. I am sure that your readers will recoil from such an appalling aphorism. As usual, Dr Maroon drags the discourse to the gutter with his purling stream of filth. I cannot begin to imagine what degraded experience has engendered such degraded thoughts. Truly, all who read the above are besmirched. Dear Mr Gorilla Bananas, I sincerely hope that you know I am above such applications.
you know what's wonderful about that show? it's that wanda sykes is actually gay. i know...the acting is superb.

other than pointing out the obvious, i'm not sure what you want from me as a commenter. commentor. commentator. whatever.
Hmmm...that's odd and quite ironic...if we asian women have the best pussies *cough*, how come almost 90% of asian men are selfish bastards who wont go even near the area with their mouths???!!!
Rubbish: Dusk til Dawn? Isn't that too much of a good thing? Even the woman would get fed up of it.

Ms OWO: How does a woman turn down such a man when he starts wiggling his tongue?

Red Squirrel: But pipe smoking is bad for the health, unlike both chillies and cunninlingus.

Topiary Cow: Yes, Ms Cow, the latest satellite packages are quite excellent.

Dr Maroon: That doesn't sound very natural to me, Dr. Do you favour the flavoured lube?

Mrs Pouncer: Well perhaps he got carried away with his poetic metaphors, Mrs P. I, for one, would not think less of you if you accepted the lingual attention of a willing gallant.

Kara: Well I never! But she does behave quite butchly in the show, doesn't she?

Sabrina: I suspect they think it's humiliating for the man, Saby. It might also be an acquired taste for some.
you totally, totally kicked that problem's ass. way to go.

ps hello!
Pussy is all good as long as it's clean. Real men eat pussy :P

:P :P


Right on target Mr. Bananas.

After eating Chinese, you'd be hungry again half an hour later.
Seems to me that the raw chillies idea would be better suited for comparing against the taste of pussy for those guys that can't stand the smell of vagina odors. After the raw chillies, surely they would be ready to devour a pussy??

Wanda Sykes is gay? Just give me 3 hours with her, just 3
frankly, that's what wanda gets for dating someone named: Krayzee-Eyez Killa. secondly.. why any woman would dump a man simply because he loves eating pussy. is a fucking idiot. as long as he's not cheating on her, by that i mean, if he's simply talking about his past, he isn't CHEATING. then let it go louie, there are worse things in life than having a man that'll go down and dirty on ya.

Wow, that woman really likes her stomach being licked.

Ancient civilisations believed that oral sex was the key to a long and healthy life, in that no bodily fluids were ever lost, but put somewhere else.

That's what I tell him anyway.
MLB: Hello Becky! I'm glad someone appreciates my problem-solving skills.

Nothingman: Do the ladies in your part of the world like it? I bet they do.

Daphne: Hah! Personally I find Chinese dishes quite filling if they have nuts in them.

Blase: It would take you 3 hours to switch Wanda? What would you be doing all that time?

Sarah: He was doing it to other women when he was engaged to her, Sarah. But is that really cheating?

Rachel: It wasn't easy to find a non-pornographic picture that illustrated the concept, Rach. I hope your boy is doing it good!
Which season of CYE is that? I've only recently found it and it's a bit like car crash tv but still enjoyable in a very bizarre way... Oh, stoppit, I mean CYE not giving/receiving head!
I'd like to test drive a chili numbed tongue on my non-Asian pussy
“You’ve got all different flavours of pussy,” he explains. “The best pussy to eat is Asian pussy.”

Come on GB you're a business minded gorilla. Let's start a chain of Pussy Snack Bars. Women of different ethnicities would be spreadeagled on the bar and men could sample the different ethnicities while having a cool beer. This is a winner!
It's all about breaking the chain. Only then can you truly turn your back on your addictions.
I would prefer a bowl of frosties whilst listening to Status Quo to Ms Mu Tai Dongs impenetrable genitalia...
Hmm, some might find chillis an acceptable, even enjoyable addition to their boudoir games. A stimulating little pecadillo to enhance one's lusty antics.

Not me though. It's a bit perverted.

I'll stick to battery acid and cheese graters.
Nursemyra: That's a heck of an invitation to chilli eaters, Nursie!

Joanna: I think it was the 3rd season, episode 8. Has Ruf said anything about your flavour, Joanna?

Emma: The problem would be getting the men to pay up. Most of them would think they were providing a service as much as receiving one. Would women pay for it? Not those like you who get free.

Emerson: You seem to know a lot about it. What have you been licking?

Mutley: Does Mu Tai Dong have vaginismus then? That's very sad. Queen Elizabeth I may have had it as well.

Jules: But chillies have a much stronger flavour. I don't see how a man could appreciate pussy if he'd acquired a taste for chilli.
Well... at least he's a giver;)
I would not pay for it unless it was of a high standard. In my experience it is not usually of a high standard. I am thinking of starting a pussy licking training camp for the clueless.
Just for the record, MrB, Ruf loves my flavour... actually Im quite partial to it myself. Must keep working on the yoga and maybe one day I'll be flexible enough for some DIY :P
Hmm, this article reminds me of scarlet-blue for some reason...
watching Curb your Enthusiasm is the logical equivalent to having Larry David eat my imaginary pussy. Your metaphor does NOT go unnoticed with me, good sir =)
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