Monday, August 24, 2009
Phone sex
I’m back in the Congo, my hairless primate cousins. I feel like Sinbad the sailor after one of his seven voyages – the one where he locks horns with strange natives and marvels at wonders of immense kinkyness.
I spent a few days with my old friend Smacker Ramrod, the former circus vet, happily settled in Kent, the so-called Garden of England. He seems to be making a good living from all the resident horses and cows in need of his salubrious groping.
Scarcely had I walked through his door when he proudly showed me his latest toy, a mobile phone with a pair of red lips on it. He claims that if you kiss the lips, an identical smooch will be transmitted to the person you’re talking to, provided that this lucky individual is equipped with a similar phone.
“I’ve got a pair of them so I can kiss my wife when we’re apart,” he drooled.
“You great big soppy lettuce!” I exclaimed.
“I’ll kiss you as well if you get one,” he said facetiously.
“I assure you that the phone will be pressed firmly against my arse if you do,” I replied.
He guffawed and changed the subject. I actually have nothing against a man kissing his wife in public. It is more civilised than kissing a stranger and more hygienic than kissing the family pet. But delivering it via a telecommunication device is absurd. Only religious zealots and ninnies smooch inanimate objects.
Later, when visiting Canterbury Cathedral, I was recognised by a middle-aged man who had seen me perform in the circus many years ago. I allowed him to buy me a glass of lemonade. When he told me he worked for Vodafone, I mentioned the kissphone to him. Being from the north of England, he thought it was the most natural thing in the world.
“You can’t stop the march of progress, GB,” he said. “In a few years’ time there’ll be sex dolls which can be operated remotely using a joystick and fire button. I’ll get them to make one in my image so I can do the wife when I’m away from home.”
“Are you sure she’ll want a replica of yourself?” I asked. “She might prefer a doll that looks like Sean Bean or Jimmy Tarbuck.”
“Are you joking?” he inquired incredulously. “Why would I help her cheat on me with some overrated celebrity?”
I smacked my lips in puzzlement. Would she really be committing adultery if he were controlling the doll’s movements? And what if another man operated a doll that looked like him? These are philosophical questions worthy of a Socrates, a Freud or a Dolly Parton.
Yet conundrums of this kind will be academic until such technological marvels actually exist. In anticipation of that glorious day, some market research with potential customers would be in order. Vibrators may be popular with ladies of a certain disposition, but a sex toy operated by another human staring at a computer screen may take some getting used to. I would ask a random sample of 100,000 sexually active women the following question:
If you had a remote-controlled replica of your perfect fantasy lover, which of the following people would you prefer to operate the controls:
(1) Hugh Hefner
(2) Another woman
(3) Your gynaecologist
(4) A nasty perverted dwarf who loves to make women moan and writhe?
Obviously it would have to be answered anonymously so the women would make an honest choice rather than picking the one they were least ashamed of.
Labels: cyber sex, kissphone, nasty dwarf, Sean Bean
Comments:
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It would be hard for any woman to choose from those four options. You could look for a nasty perverted female dwarf, who's trained as a gynaecologist, that would make it a bit easier.
That phone is so darn cute. The inventor's surname almost sounds kissable too. And as for the remote operator: obviously the gynae because he knows all the ways to a woman's ... eh ... heart :)
Mr B , I am sure the young ladies would prefer on the whole to operate the joystick themselves as only they know what they would like(a mechanical) Dale Winton to do them in the privacy of their own rooms....it doesnt bear thinking about really.
I wonder if they will be making a Sister Wendy model ??
I wonder if they will be making a Sister Wendy model ??
I might not be a woman. And I might not be sexually active. But because I do PRETEND to be a sexually active woman on the internets, I believe I speak for internets-womens everywheres when I say: ALL OF THE ABOVE. That's right. A female midget gynecologist.
"You might say, all of the above...wait a second, he left out Hugh Hefner!"
Didn't you know? Hugh Hefner is a female midget gynecologist. The hugh hefner that we "know" or rather "see on the television" is really her brother Ralf Hefner. Want proof? WHERE'S HUGH HEFNER'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE?! Until then, I will continue to believe that he's a female midget/dwarf gynecologist that enjoys pleasuring women remotely AND physically AND via pubic lice.
Didn't you know? Hugh Hefner is a female midget gynecologist. The hugh hefner that we "know" or rather "see on the television" is really her brother Ralf Hefner. Want proof? WHERE'S HUGH HEFNER'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE?! Until then, I will continue to believe that he's a female midget/dwarf gynecologist that enjoys pleasuring women remotely AND physically AND via pubic lice.
If I saw someone out in public kissing a phone like that, I'd point and laugh. Especially if there was tongue action.
Now, I suppose I'd have to say a woman. My Gyno is used to face to face contact. Well, sort of face...vagina…whatever. I think remote control might be beyond his element of expertise. A woman though, might not even need to read the instruction manual.
Now, I suppose I'd have to say a woman. My Gyno is used to face to face contact. Well, sort of face...vagina…whatever. I think remote control might be beyond his element of expertise. A woman though, might not even need to read the instruction manual.
Welcome back GB!!!
It appears your travels have gifted you with "new, broadening experiences" as travel is supposed to, apparently.
The phone idea is charming. However were you to let Hefner near it, it would soon be bloated with huge implants and no longer fit in your pocket.
Moo!
It appears your travels have gifted you with "new, broadening experiences" as travel is supposed to, apparently.
The phone idea is charming. However were you to let Hefner near it, it would soon be bloated with huge implants and no longer fit in your pocket.
Moo!
Stelring: Feel free to mention these gagdets in your website.
Gadjo: Would she have a subscription to Playboy as well? You can't have everything in life.
Sidhu: It's a harbinger of the apocalypse.
Ladytruth: Are you sure your gyno has the required finesse? These medical men can be quite cold-blooded.
Ms No-one: Does she have to be a lesbian?
Beast: That would be like wanking, Beast.
Gadjo: Would she have a subscription to Playboy as well? You can't have everything in life.
Sidhu: It's a harbinger of the apocalypse.
Ladytruth: Are you sure your gyno has the required finesse? These medical men can be quite cold-blooded.
Ms No-one: Does she have to be a lesbian?
Beast: That would be like wanking, Beast.
Organic Meatbag: I think he might be a Hell's Angel.
Julio: You are a man, Sir! And a greedy one too! Please let the real women have their say.
Emerson: Well they're the right height for it, aren't they? They're good at football too, look at Maradonna.
Ms OWO: Wouldn't you prefer someone who felt lust for you? Or do you mean a lesbian?
Ms Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow, it's good to be back. Hef's lips are too thin and dry for that phone.
Eve: What's wrong with the dwarf, Eve? I bet Mrs Cake would choose him.
Julio: You are a man, Sir! And a greedy one too! Please let the real women have their say.
Emerson: Well they're the right height for it, aren't they? They're good at football too, look at Maradonna.
Ms OWO: Wouldn't you prefer someone who felt lust for you? Or do you mean a lesbian?
Ms Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow, it's good to be back. Hef's lips are too thin and dry for that phone.
Eve: What's wrong with the dwarf, Eve? I bet Mrs Cake would choose him.
Mr GB - it is cheering to have to back in our midst. You have been much missed. However, on the subject of your straw poll, I shall have to demure from answering and claim all ignorance of such electrical gizmos. I woud rather my RCR of MPFL washed the dishes and cleaned out the rubbish bins. These are considerably longer lasting pleasures.
“I assure you that the phone will be pressed firmly against my arse if you do,”
Bwhahahahaha...
Well, you're back with a big bang.
That mobile phone is ridiculous. But a great idea for inmates, their families and their loved ones.
ps. I choose the dwarf.
Let's hope he's not too perverted
*crossing fingers*
Bwhahahahaha...
Well, you're back with a big bang.
That mobile phone is ridiculous. But a great idea for inmates, their families and their loved ones.
ps. I choose the dwarf.
Let's hope he's not too perverted
*crossing fingers*
Welcome back, Mr Bananas! I hope you enjoyed your holidays.
That kissphone may be a funny toy, but a bit innocent, don't you think, Mr B? It might work for long distance relationships, though. I actually think the telecoms genius should rack their brains harder to produce naughtier toys.
Answering your question, if I had a remote-controlled replica of my fantasy lover (which happens to be Jude Law, but Sean Bean would be fine as well), I'd definitely choose the dwarf to operate the remote controls, expecting an amazingly long, wild, and very very kinky session!
That kissphone may be a funny toy, but a bit innocent, don't you think, Mr B? It might work for long distance relationships, though. I actually think the telecoms genius should rack their brains harder to produce naughtier toys.
Answering your question, if I had a remote-controlled replica of my fantasy lover (which happens to be Jude Law, but Sean Bean would be fine as well), I'd definitely choose the dwarf to operate the remote controls, expecting an amazingly long, wild, and very very kinky session!
I honestly made a loud disgusted noise that scared my children when I scrolled down and saw the picture of Mr. Leather man at the bottom there! Mr. Bananas! You have to warn a girl before you do that=)
And I pick 2... another woman... but I would have to be allowed to pick the woman. I'm controlling like that;)
So happy that you had a fun visit! How on earth did your females get along without you while you were gone?!
And I pick 2... another woman... but I would have to be allowed to pick the woman. I'm controlling like that;)
So happy that you had a fun visit! How on earth did your females get along without you while you were gone?!
i'm not very good with fantasy (sad, i know) so it would have to be johnny depp controlling johnny depp doll or i'd just bag it and go home to my boyfriend.
i guess that would be option 5,then.
i guess that would be option 5,then.
that's a toss up between #3 and #4, because my gynaecologist is extremely handsome.. but nothing beats a perverted dwarf well versed in the ways of writhing..
you seemed to have had a great time on your trip. i once dated a man from Kent. if you want to call him that.
you seemed to have had a great time on your trip. i once dated a man from Kent. if you want to call him that.
# posted by 
: Tuesday, August 25, 2009
: Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Rubbish: I'm out of shot playing the bongo drums. Did you want to be invited?
Madame Defarge: I was not so impertinent to think that you would participate in the poll, Madame D. May you acquire a doll that performs all your household chores with a smile on its face.
Donut girl: I intended to award a prize to the first woman to pick the dwarf, Ms Donut. What would you like?
Leni: And you can never be who sure you're kissing, Leni, because there's no video screen. You and Ms Donut will have to share the prize for picking the dwarf. Or perhaps get one each.
Rachel: That's wild, Rach! But would the family pet know what to do?
Auri: I would have expected you to choose another woman, Auri. Your writing suggests you appreciate the gentle touch. My females get along fine without me. I'm not the only male around and they aren't too choosy.
Kara: That would be pretty insulting. If he had time to operate the doll, he ought to have time to do it in person.
Sarah: I think you deserve a share of the dwarf prize as well. Did the man of Kent not give you satisfaction, Sarah?
Madame Defarge: I was not so impertinent to think that you would participate in the poll, Madame D. May you acquire a doll that performs all your household chores with a smile on its face.
Donut girl: I intended to award a prize to the first woman to pick the dwarf, Ms Donut. What would you like?
Leni: And you can never be who sure you're kissing, Leni, because there's no video screen. You and Ms Donut will have to share the prize for picking the dwarf. Or perhaps get one each.
Rachel: That's wild, Rach! But would the family pet know what to do?
Auri: I would have expected you to choose another woman, Auri. Your writing suggests you appreciate the gentle touch. My females get along fine without me. I'm not the only male around and they aren't too choosy.
Kara: That would be pretty insulting. If he had time to operate the doll, he ought to have time to do it in person.
Sarah: I think you deserve a share of the dwarf prize as well. Did the man of Kent not give you satisfaction, Sarah?
Heheheh. I'd rather do without ;-) Unless PERHAPS the dwarf could play the guitar or something ;-) Which seems a little warped somehow...
It also walks with the women to big mouth ?
at our place there is the sex-apple ! Where from a local pun "credit of sex has exactly"
at our place there is the sex-apple ! Where from a local pun "credit of sex has exactly"
# posted by : Tuesday, August 25, 2009
: Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Strictly speaking, that's not phone sex, is it? Except in a kinder, more Victorian world. Sex may not have to be penetrative, but it usually involves more than just a dry kiss.
What, I believe, you are referring to would require more than just plastic labia. Lubrication of some sort might also be useful; and then you'd have a serious problem when your boss phones up and you have to tell him/her that you "can't talk right now -- I've got a mouth full of KY Jelly."
Which is probably preferable to the nine-inch vibratory dildo attachment with the Crazy Frog ring-tone...
What, I believe, you are referring to would require more than just plastic labia. Lubrication of some sort might also be useful; and then you'd have a serious problem when your boss phones up and you have to tell him/her that you "can't talk right now -- I've got a mouth full of KY Jelly."
Which is probably preferable to the nine-inch vibratory dildo attachment with the Crazy Frog ring-tone...
Seeing as most women are often thinking about someone else when they're doing it with a real, live joystick, I don't suppose it matters. I'd go for the one with the best feedback on eBay.
Hmmm... I would like a strawberry lip gloss because they sold out over here. BUT I don't want to share it. I'm sorry. It's more practical and hygienic this way. We could share the dwarf, though.
Two cents, and I'm yours.
Can't guarantee either pair of lips, though. I tried, but TPFT insurance isn't really affordable.
Can't guarantee either pair of lips, though. I tried, but TPFT insurance isn't really affordable.
If I had been one of the 4 choices, I'd be disappointed if Donut girl had not picked me. Perhaps you know something that I don't, Big G...and you were just looking out for my best interest??
I'm not inclined to purchase a phone with lips on it, I think I'm above that. But, Dolly Parton's Tits jiggling on the phone set...well now, that's a different conversation altogether.
I'm not inclined to purchase a phone with lips on it, I think I'm above that. But, Dolly Parton's Tits jiggling on the phone set...well now, that's a different conversation altogether.
Eve: Play the guitar? Does that mean you'd like a dwarf with nimble fingers, you naughty girl!
Nursemyra: Any woman in mind, Nursie?
Crabbers: The sex apple? Trust the French to come up with a kinky piece of fruit.
Dr Loser: You have to allow for poetic license in puns. Did you google my name, you naughty fellow?
Women in Black: Are you talking about the doll or the operator? I don't think selling an operator would work on eBay. Too difficult to package.
Donut girl: Does it have to taste of strawberries?
Blase: I would have liked to include you, but it's difficult to sum you up in a short phrase. Nasty, perverted something...but what? Dolly's boobs were causing her back strain so she had them reduced. Don't complain, you'd have done the same in her position.
Mo: Trust is not the issue here. You don't need trust if you have an appetite for the bizarre.
Nursemyra: Any woman in mind, Nursie?
Crabbers: The sex apple? Trust the French to come up with a kinky piece of fruit.
Dr Loser: You have to allow for poetic license in puns. Did you google my name, you naughty fellow?
Women in Black: Are you talking about the doll or the operator? I don't think selling an operator would work on eBay. Too difficult to package.
Donut girl: Does it have to taste of strawberries?
Blase: I would have liked to include you, but it's difficult to sum you up in a short phrase. Nasty, perverted something...but what? Dolly's boobs were causing her back strain so she had them reduced. Don't complain, you'd have done the same in her position.
Mo: Trust is not the issue here. You don't need trust if you have an appetite for the bizarre.
Ok, after this comment I'll stop stalking you. I promise!
The lipgloss tastes and smells like strawberries. Btw, your females and I have come to an agreement. You can read all about it on my blog.
ps. Letting Blasé operate the controls is asking for trouble.
The words dangerous & relentless come to mind. Is that better or worse than perverted & nasty?
The lipgloss tastes and smells like strawberries. Btw, your females and I have come to an agreement. You can read all about it on my blog.
ps. Letting Blasé operate the controls is asking for trouble.
The words dangerous & relentless come to mind. Is that better or worse than perverted & nasty?
The then Capt Peter Deakin was expelled from Hong Kong in 1931 for accidentally attaching the governor's wife to an infernal milking device of his own making.
Ahead of his time, as ever.
Ahead of his time, as ever.
Thanks, Mr B.
I'm happy to share the dwarf with Miss Dutch Donut, as long as he NEVER EVER shows his real self, but just his abilities -remember, it has to be either Jude Law or Sean Bean-.
She can have the sex phone too. ((I think I'd need something stronger to get high, lol)). ;)
I'm happy to share the dwarf with Miss Dutch Donut, as long as he NEVER EVER shows his real self, but just his abilities -remember, it has to be either Jude Law or Sean Bean-.
She can have the sex phone too. ((I think I'd need something stronger to get high, lol)). ;)
Dammit, Im not choosing the dwarf now! :P
Cant I have Sean Bean operating a younger-looking version of himself, preferably in his Sharpe incarnation...?
Cant I have Sean Bean operating a younger-looking version of himself, preferably in his Sharpe incarnation...?
A pun? My good GB, you're lapsing into the category errors more normally associated with your jungle friends -- baboons, parrots, that sort of trail-mix trash.
Next thing we know, you'll be claiming it's a palindrome.
Phones Ex? Foam Sex? Mick Jabber?
No good will come of that. Mind you, I'd be interested to know what a female bonobo would do with one of these infernal devices.
Next thing we know, you'll be claiming it's a palindrome.
Phones Ex? Foam Sex? Mick Jabber?
No good will come of that. Mind you, I'd be interested to know what a female bonobo would do with one of these infernal devices.
Donut girl: I certainly wouldn't let him near my controls, but some women might find the idea exciting.
Mr Boyo: He got off lightly if you ask me. Unlike the governor's wife.
Leni: You wouldn't see him, Leni, but he'd certainly see you. His eyes would be bulging and he'd be chuckling and salivating.
Mrs Cake: Come off it Joanna, you know you want the dwarf! I included him especially for you!
Dr Loser: Well it's not that kind of pun. Bonobos aren't kissers, they only copulate.
Red Squirrel: Indeed, it might have been made for you and your missus.
Mr Boyo: He got off lightly if you ask me. Unlike the governor's wife.
Leni: You wouldn't see him, Leni, but he'd certainly see you. His eyes would be bulging and he'd be chuckling and salivating.
Mrs Cake: Come off it Joanna, you know you want the dwarf! I included him especially for you!
Dr Loser: Well it's not that kind of pun. Bonobos aren't kissers, they only copulate.
Red Squirrel: Indeed, it might have been made for you and your missus.
People might be interested to learn that I am a sexually perverted dwarf who can lick my own eyebrows whilst blowing smoke out my ears... oh yeah.
# posted by : Wednesday, August 26, 2009
: Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I think that phone would be single-use only thing for me.
I'm not kissing it because I would know where it's been.
I'm not kissing it because I would know where it's been.
*chuckles* It was more of a sexist thought (that men should play the guitar), but now that you mention it, GB, I do see the possibilities....! LOL :-D
Mutley: Your boasting will convince no one unless you produce visual evidence.
Kara: You ought to help him quit. I don't know why thespians always have such bad habits.
Sarah: If only we could wipe away such memories.
Jules: It's not supposed to go anywhere but the lips. Your cryptic suggestions make me queasy.
Eve: So now you know that your future husband must be a guitar player.
Mrs Cake: He's all talk, Joanna.
Kara: You ought to help him quit. I don't know why thespians always have such bad habits.
Sarah: If only we could wipe away such memories.
Jules: It's not supposed to go anywhere but the lips. Your cryptic suggestions make me queasy.
Eve: So now you know that your future husband must be a guitar player.
Mrs Cake: He's all talk, Joanna.
Artificial intelligence will operate the gadjets. The computer will know how to give the best job by monitoring heartbeat, breathing and such. They had the computer beat the best chess player, its obvious what is next.
Theres no escaping it Mr Bananas - ladies prefer small and dirty to big and hairy - see you later Joanna... oh yeah!-.
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# posted by : Sunday, August 30, 2009
: Sunday, August 30, 2009 << Home
