Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Glowing monkeys

Japanese scientists have created a new breed of monkey that glows in the dark. A fat lot of use that is. A good night’s sleep is already a tall order in the jungle, thanks to squawking parrots, farting elephants and other nocturnal disturbances. The last thing we need is the added distraction of luminous monkeys hopping about in the branches overhead.

I’m sure the scientists meant well. The probably wanted to prevent the monkeys from sneaking around unseen at night, raiding larders and pissing in water tanks. Such concerns, however, are quite unnecessary. Monkeys may be shameless thieves and vagabonds, but they are also abject cowards who fear the dark. After nightfall they ascend to the treetops, fidgeting nervously until sleep overtakes them. Rather than pissing in water tanks they piss in the wind, causing untold aggravation to whoever is resting below. It's about time they bred monkeys that can hold their water until daybreak.

A lot of humans are very worried about scientists messing around with DNA, dreading the creation of a hybrid monster with the chest of a man and the arse of a horse. Such fears are the product of movie-induced hysteria. Evil scientists like Dr Strangelove and Professor Badass simply don’t exist in the real world. Deep down, the boffins yearn to be loved by the masses for their good deeds and cleverness. Look at the way Einstein courted publicity and flirted with the ladies in his funny German accent. There are a few mad ones, of course, but any occupation has its fair share of kooks.

Gene therapy should be embraced by humankind with open arms and grateful bosoms. God willing, it will eliminate much of the demand for cosmetic surgery. I find it tragic that so many nubile women want breast implants, and shocking that some have unspeakable things done to their cha-chas. If molecular biologists could identify the coding required for a standard pliant pair of titties, many women would be saved a lot of needless angst about their bodies. Perhaps there are also genes that will keep things tight and tidy down below.

I once mentioned these possibilities to a fashion model at the safari guesthouse. “Miss,” I said, “one day, genetic engineering will enable all women to have a body like yours. Although with all due respect, I would hope that many would opt for something a little more curvaceous.”

My suggestion seemed to irk her. “I work very hard to keep in good shape,” she huffed. “If any woman could look like me, what would be the challenge in life?”

I left her question unanswered. One should not quarrel with guests if one can help it, and usually I can help it. I changed the subject by asking her to name her favourite brand of perfume, which softened the frown on her face. Don’t ask me what it was, I have no memory for brands of perfume.

After we parted company, I reflected wryly on our conversation. Imagine thinking that having an attractive figure is the main challenge in life! It is an ambition that is bound to lead to disappointment in the fullness of time. If these models are too slender to bear children, I would advise them to take up horticulture and grow their own fruit. As Dr Whipsnade once said, cultivating your own plums is a challenge that will last a lifetime.

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glowing monkeys... how island of dr. moreau...
will stop by later my dear... off to home depot to do some garden shopping!
And I love my curves... no chop shop here=)
I agree, one should never mess around surgically with one's cha cha, there's really no need. As for fashion models, they really have two choices in life; model or eat. You can't do both. And what's the point of modelling and earning skads of money if you can't spend it on a nice meal and some booze?
While stuck in traffic today I heard on the radio that the Japanese also invented a translator for your dog's bark. As in when its sad or angry or happy or, well, that's about it. I was thinking to myself: how nice; now I can actually understand my ex-boyfriend's rantings. The Japanese: always striving to make life easier for the human race ;)
I believe the first glowing monkey was Andi, the jellyfish monkey (so called as the glowing gene comes from jellyfish).

What I always wanted to know is what did they replace the jellyfish's missing gene with? (Nature abhorring a vacuum, and that).

I fear that hidden in a lab somewhere there's a hairy jellyfish that probably has urges to flee to a tree-top and piss on everyone. For all our sake, it must not be released into the wild.
Glowing monkey's are a great idea! Just think, now you can visit the zoo at night without needing floodlights.

I demand they make a cheetah that strobes so that when it's running really fast it'll look like it's in slow motion....
"Pissing in the wind" is one that I need to use more often.
I used to have a glowing care bear but I don't know about glowing monkeys.

"dreading the creation of a hybrid monster with the chest of a man and the arse of a horse'
Bwha ha ha, I nearly choked on an apple.

I really don't get the cha-cha thing either or the not eating to stay skinny thing. I get aggressive when I don't eat. A nice figure: Yes. Starving myself to death: definitely a No!
I wish I had a link to it, but I heard that the U.S. government has come up with a robot that will eat any organic matter, even corpses on the battlefield. Corpses! Just what we needed! Nothing can go wrong with that, right?

Evil scientists live. You did not convince me! But I love this blog.
The scientists are also looking for the Devil in the human DNA, the Devil known as mental illness.

"To distinguish himself from the doctor of divinity, the doctor of medicine could not simply claim that he was protecting people from sin. Badness remained, after all, a moral concept. As medical scientist, the physician had to claim that badness was madness, that his object of study was not the immaterial soul or “will,” but a material object, a diseased body." T. Szasz
You'd think Japanese scientists would have learnt their lesson with Godzilla.

Love the hairy jellyfish idea though: I wonder if it gets the urge to snog David Attenborough.
I. want. one.
Auri: Is is true that pregnant women glow, Auri?

Vegetable Assassin: I believe some of them spend their cash on cocaine. Eating ice cream would be much better for their health.

Ladytruth: Your ex-boyfriend sounds as if he needs a muzzle. Maybe the Japanese could house-train him for you.

Gaw: You seem to have researched this story very thoroughly, possibly by reading the article I linked. Jellyfish should be squished without mercy.

Red Squirrel: I think the novelty would wear off pretty quickly. You could always try painting yourself with luminous paint.

Ms Salti: Would you use the expression figuratively or literally?

Donut girl: The cha-cha thing seems to be a trimming procedure, Miss Donut. I'd like to see a few more models with your sort of body.

Cellar Door: Hello and welcome, Ms Door. In Africa we allow the vultures to perform that task. Glad you're enjoying the blog.

Mark: Well I wouldn't say that being barmy is the same thing as being bad. I've known some charming people who were mad as hatters.

Gadjo: Japan is too crowded for monkeys, they should stick to electronic pets. I believe there is an immortal breed of jellyfish. It lives forever unless it gets eaten or squished.

Rachel: You want a glowing money, Rach? Are you sure you could look after it? Someone would have to mop up its pee.
I am sorry to tell you that in the 1970s a glowing condom was a popular purchase amongst the unimaginative. It was called a Rise 'n Shine. It is a terrible thing to be on the receiving end of a luminous green intrusion, particularly when you are not expecting it. I am sorry to besmirch this discourse.
Tight and tidy down below. We should all aim for that ;-)

kegel kegel kegel
Glowing monkeys...what WILL they think of next? I just think it's a shame that instead of spending time finding cures for diseases... they're making monkeys glow. Honestly.

I've never understood what is so appealing about a stick thin woman.
could you get people that glow? oooo - we could inject criminals with glow in the dark gene things so that you can see them at, i think that makes sense...
No. A friend happens to be the world's first anthropological jellyfish and he/she told me about this situation. His/her views deserve greater exposure but blogging is proving difficult (it's the keys). However, we're working with Stephen Hawking's people to find a solution.
Tight and tidy down below = me spitting my water all over my desk!
I'd use that literally and figuratively depending on the situation... it's perfect because it's so multi-purposed!
Mrs Pouncer: At what point in a woman's life does it look bigger than it feels, Mrs P?

Nursemyra: I bet you're an example par excellence, Nursie.

Ms OWO: We gorillas prefer females with a bit of meat on them, Ms OWO. If you fall into that category I salute you.

Dorothy: Handcuffing their wrists to their ankles is how we do it in the Congo, Dorothy.

Gaw: Now you're just being facetious. Better to keep quiet than talk a load of hogwash.

Fancy: Oh dear! I hope you had a mop nearby!

Ms Salti: Ah, I see you a diligent wordsmith.
Speaking as a woman with as much meat as a butcher, I'm baffled by the preference for stick thin women. I'm preparing for a long Ice Age, at which point I'll either be eaten first or worshipped as a symbol of fecundity. Probably by shivering luminous monkeys.
RE "Well I wouldn't say that being barmy is the same thing as being bad"
I agree with your sentence of course, being barmy myself. Barmy as a brain chemical imbalance is what psychiatry uses to legitimize forcefully administering chemical treatments to "help" those that don't ask for help, and never had a brain chemical imbalance test. Preventative justice for the evil (and love) that lives in all humans hearts.
It's selfless of you to want women to be happy with their bodies GB, I want them to be happy with mine.
Isn't it a bit scary to live in a world where crazy scientists sometimes like to play sorcerer's apprentice? It makes me think of futuristic fantasies like 'Brave new world', but luckily the future is now and scientists have reached bright results also, not only glowing monkeys.

About producing genetically designed skinny women... fear not, as long as there are guys who prefer some meat on them, we won't see a zillion female skinny clones on earth, I guess.
Evil scientists like Dr Strangelove and Professor Badass simply don’t exist in the real world.

You must come over and meet Mrs Boyo's father sometime, GB. He had "Mad Scientist" under "Profession" on his Soviet passport, and lobbied hard but unsuccessfully to have it changed to "Evil Scientist".

The Soviets rejected the term "evil" as having clerical-fascist overtones.

The Prof complained about the "mad" epithet on the grounds that his toying with the very fabric of life, along with the odd church deacon, was entirely rational.

The only reason he didn't end up in prison for "arguing" (Criminal Code of the USSR, Section 14, Paragraph xxxiii) was because he lanced a foul and throbbing wen off the cocyx of the first secretary of Kozlytrakh District.

The Prof tampered with the wen for a bit and now it teaches Classics at Czernowitz Boarding School.
Madame Defarge: Women of your shape will be in high demand during the forthcoming Ice Age, Madame Defarge. You'll be more valuable than an electric blanket.

Mark: If you are barmy, you hide it very well.

Inkspot: You could take up body-building, but I'm not convinced it would inspire the admiration you seek. Women are fickle about such things.

Leni: These thin models look as if they would bruise too easily for men who like vigorous foreplay.

Mr Boyo: He should have been made a Hero of the Soviet Union for his valiant attempt to create the new socialist man. Mrs Boyo must have learned a lot from him.
Oh yes Mr. Bananas... they glow indeed. But unlike your freaky little monkeys they don't glow in the dark they just have pretty pink cheeks... very natural. But I'm curious now... maybe I'll go turn off the lights and make sure none of them have been injecting jellyfish DNA...
This glowing monkey thing is just whacked. I'm with otherworldlyone - its seems like there's a lot of life threatening diseases that scientists should be spending their time and money on.

On another note - you lost me at farting elephants. Just how loud is an elephant fat?
We all want what we don't have, trite sentiment though that is. Personally, I'm just happy to have a body that functions at 95%. Though I'd trade two crappy apple trees and a duff pear for a plum tree any day.
"These thin models look as if they would bruise too easily for men who like vigorous foreplay"

Mr Bananas... what makes you think that skinny women may bruise too easily for men who like vigorous foreplay?

(*laughs a hyenical laugh*)
Oh that's just great. The Hulk mated with Ms Bigfoot...
As much as i complain about my 'curves' and big arse, i must say i love my flab and my big birthing hips :p
Auri: Perhaps they give off heat rather than light. Their bodies could be used to warm cold hands.

Peach Tart: Elephant farts are low in pitch and long in duration. A long rumble in the jungle.

Mary: 95% sounds pretty good, although it depends which 5% you're missing.

Leni: The small amount of flesh on their bones seems to leave them with little protection. Thin women with good muscle tone might be a different proposition.

Blase: Which one had the babies?

Sabrina: That big arse of yours needs a good massage every day, Saby.
I suppose what we really need is a scientist who fiddles with female DNA so that the gene that makes them fed up with their looks is taken out of their bodies altogether!! If there's any boffins out there this is a great idea.
Mr Bananas, further on thin women and men enjoying vigorous foreplay, I can confirm that they don't bruise -rather enjoy it!-. Have you ever experienced the joys of such an association? I strongly recommend it.
I'm with you - gene therapy yes, but tinkering around to create living curiosities - to me that's taking life too lightly and possibly creating needless suffering for our genetic concoctions.
Emma: Or maybe a gene that removes the urge to look in a mirror.

Leni: Thank you for the recommendation, Leni. However, the word 'vigorous' might have a different meaning for gorillas. I don't think the waif in the photo could endure our foreplay.

P M Martin: Thank for your sober and carefully balanced opinion.
Funny you should say that... I'm always warming my cold hands on my patient's tummies. They're like little heaters... they love it! It's the 'green' way to warm one's hands;-)
I long for the day when genetic engineering will prolong my wretched existence. If I have to glow a little bit and some scientist needs to build a laser on top of a hill, then that's the price we have to pay.
Auri: I'd like to try that myself.

Chris V: I think it's in the pipeline. They'll have to replace your organs, though.
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