Friday, July 17, 2009

Crime of passion

News arrives of a man who is marrying a woman who stabbed him. He seems to be a pretty shrewd judge of character. When a female of the same species tries to kill you, she either loves you or hates you (unless you are a spider, when she’s just hungry). The problem for the male is deciding who is which and which is who. In this case, the man seems to have got it right. He and the woman were lovers before she caught him showing an old injury to her best friend, which required him to drop his pants. Misunderstanding what was going on, his jealous sweetheart bayoneted him from behind with a sharp instrument. She fortunately missed his vital organs and he made a full recovery.

You’ve got to respect a man who forgives his girlfriend for smiting him hip and thigh. Heaven knows why he wanted to expose a previous wound to another woman. Let’s hope he can keep his newest one to himself. We gorillas pick up a fair number of scrapes and scratches in the course of our jungle activities, but have no wish to draw attention to them unless we are seeking medical attention. Female gorillas simply aren’t interested in how many scars you’ve got beneath the fur.

I sincerely hope the man won’t regret his decision. To be on the safe side, I’d advise him to put on an army flak jacket before getting into the marital bed. The woman is clearly madly in love with him, but she may have unresolved issues floating around in her subconscious. Just one flashback of the pants-dropping incident might re-ignite old animosities and prompt her to reach for the scissors on the bedside table. Even so, the judge was surely right not to send her to prison. She obviously poses no danger to anyone but her fiancé, and he seems quite happy to take his chances.

“I don’t think this would ever happen again,” was his confident assertion after she walked free with a suspended gaol sentence.

His optimism does him credit, but he may have underestimated the stresses and strains that occur in the marriages of today. Even if he’s learned his lesson about exposing himself to other women, his future wife will still have to put up with his annoying habits, whether they be snoring, wheezing or the hawking of phlegm. The continual drip-feed of such provocations might cause her to snap no less violently than she did when she caught him with his pants down.

What the woman really needs is a way of releasing her pent-up anger regularly, so the pressure doesn’t build up until she erupts like a volcano. Smacking him on the head with a rolling pin is the traditional method, but his head is already a funny shape and she might not know when to stop. I would favour lending her an electric cattle prod once a week, so she can get it out of her system without maiming the man or exerting herself unduly. It won’t be much fun for her spouse, but it beats getting stabbed.

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ha ha chicks dig scars
I have a stun gun: works just as well :) But seriously though?! This man has to have A LOT of love in his heart for this woman. Or maybe it's just fear, cause next time he tries to do something stupid like, let's say leave her, she won't miss those vital organs like before!
I think a taser would do the trick!
Hmm, this is almost Bob Flanagan territory, and requires two very special people and a very special kind of love! electric cattle prod! I wan!!!!!!!

p/s : Why,may i ask, do you have one? Do you use it to keep the cheeky, younger ones in check?
I hardly think leaving her husband with a second scar is going to make this situation less likely in the future. I suggest she use a rubber pipe or clerical mace to avoid unnecessary scarring next time.
Dave Bones: It surely depends on where it is and how big it is. I doubt a scar on the arse is that attractive.

Ladytruth: You could be right. I suspect he also has a guilty conscience about the pants-dropping incident.

Fancy: The problem with a taser is that it's too effective. One shot and the man is down. That's not very satisfying for a woman trying to work off her anger.

Gadjo: He's an army veteran, which may explain something. He wants a marriage with the thrill of combat.

Saby: I don't need one, Saby, my fingers can deliver a powerful pinch! One day I might give you a few gentle ones.

Gaw: So a clerical mace doesn't scar? You learn something every day.
I'll be waiting :p

By the by, me and Nursemyra r wondering what this coconut cure of yours is all about???!!!
oh this reminds me of the Linda Riss/Burt Pagach story

and that damsel in the last photo is NOT me, despite the red streaks and the outfit she is wearing
A quick hello to you. Expect the unexpected:) By the way, I can't see where is gorilla;)
Thanks for your lovely note, that makes me smile as usual. Best wishes for a happy Summer, in your jungle;)
Until then.
Reverse the sex identity and you get a woman who takes a knife wound from her partner. A guy that enjoys/can take abuse is good. A woman who enjoys/can take abuse is bad .
GB: Clerics in the time of knights and castles were forbidden to shed blood (I suspect they still are). But your lustier clerics still wanted to have a bash when the battles came around. So they ingeniously had resort to a mace, which would bash but not cut. I'm sure their opponents were very appreciative of this gesture. Holy mother church has always, on balance, been a force for good and an example to us all.
Mr Bananas,

Do you think it’s clever that a guy drops his pants to show a strategically located scar to a female friend that is not supposed to be familiar with the bits next to the scar, considering that his gf is as jealous as a viper?

I don’t even dare to think what she would do to him if he refused to marry her. So if they finally marry, I’m afraid he will urgently need iron underpants –won’t work if he drops them down again to show the scar to the lady friend- and a premium insurance for his most private parts.
how'd you get that photo of me and my man?
Sabrina: All will be revealed when you visit me, Saby!

Nursemyra: It is an amazing resemblance though, isn't it Nursie?

Nihal: Hello there Nihal. Enjoy your vacation!

Mark: I'm not sure whether you're one person or two. What does the p.s. stand for?

Gaw: A most unusual brand of pacifism. I suppose the doctors of the day assured them that a bash from their maces would never draw blood. They might have crushed a skull or two, though.

Leni: I don't think he'd get an indemnity policy for his private parts. I've got a feeling that he rather enjoys exposing them to danger.

Sarah: The picture is all over the internet. Does your man enjoy being chained to a wall or is it something he does to please you?
I find most men simply aren't worth getting that angry for. I save my anger for truly important things, like no milk in tea club, someone eating the last chocolate digestive and wearing my jeans by mistake.
GB: lucky me.. it's both! i didn't know my legs looked that great in red stockings..
If Ruf upsets me, I pinch his inner thigh forcefully during groundwork. It normally relieves me of any pent up irritation :)
RE: name
seriously? p.s. = psych survivor or paranoid schizophrenic whichever you like.
2's because of an impulsive time last year when I lost my home, I deleted the original identity.
GB, apart from the breasts, the resemblance is astounding even to me. I wonder if I wasn't the only baby my mother gave up for adoption
Maybe she has a flak jacket fetish (armourphilia?) and this ensures he'll wear it in bed all the time? seems like an advanced case of Loveria. The subject in question has lost all sense, reason and mental ability to take a reasonable decision.

Funny still.

In my hometown, a man shot his wife, the woman survived but the bullet is still lodged in her neck. Docs couldn't take it out. They are happily living together now. :/

Women place waaaay too much emphasis upon the "rules" of Monogamy.

Just think what she'll do when he dips his penis into another's vagina AFTER they're married??

..God help us all
I think spanking and bondage could be good for this relationship. It would help bring them closer together. Mr Goldthorpe can be the slave and Miss Lyons will be the master.

It will work out in the end. As long as she doesn't use a knife of course.
Why does the little desk thing have a bicycle bell on it?
Of course we must accept Nursemyra's assurance that the young lady in red is not her, but isn't that the punishment room at the Gimcrack?
A bit of strict discipline never did men any harm. They need putting in their place occasionally - and, yes, knives and cattle prods are two ways to do it....
Madame Defarge: I am thrilled to hear you wear jeans, Madame Defarge. It suggests that with the right companions you will engage in frivolous activities.

Sarah: Your man is lucky to get it free of charge, Sarah. Many have to pay for such attention.

Joanna: That sounds like an acquired taste rather than a punishment. I hope it doesn't leave a red mark.

Mark: Thanks for letting me know. I hope your current situation is less turbulent.

Nursemyura: Her boobs might be artificially enhanced, so it's possible she is your identical twin.

The Jules: If so, she needs to work on her powers of persuasion. Stabbing your lover to get what you want is a self-defeating exercise.

Nothingman: I do believe that some humans see such extreme behaviour as proof of their spouse's love.

Blase: I hope he'll have more sense than to take such a risk, given that he got stabbed for a lesser misdemeanour.

Ms Donut: I think you are right. But knife or no knife, she has to know when to stop.

Mutley: Are you sure it's a bicycle bell? It could easily be some kind of sex toy.

Inkspot: The man looks far too young for the Gimcrack.

Mrs Table: I always suspected you were a wife who liked to wear the trousers, Mrs Cake!
What a dumbass that guy is: Leftenant Dumbass.

Does he think she is going to be less violent and that her character will improve upon further acquaintance?
I find that I am usually the one doing all the 'stabbing' with my own 'special dagger'.
i know.. i've often thought - i'm in the wrong business.
I have a 'don't ask don't tell' policy with my mother about what exactly happened to the lovers who dissapointed her and mysteriously disappeared. Here's a pic of her here:
I am sure she would accept your proposal if you provided unlimited bananas.
what do gorillas know about marriage, hmmmm? and cattle prods, for that matter? i maintain there is far too much google in your jungle.

that sounded dirty. i liked it.
Showing someone a scar. That's good, I'll remember that one.
Trish: I suspect he thrives on danger, Trish. That's probably why he dropped his pants.

Lord Likely: It surely needs no grindstone to sharpen it, m'lud.

Sarah: Well it's not too late to dabble, Sarah.

Emma: For a woman I assume to be in her 60s, your mother is in particularly fine fettle.

Kara: I have studied humans for most of my life, Missy. Think of me as a kind of zoologist.

Rachel: Do you really have a scar, Rach?
You know, I'm not sure the cattle prod would do the trick.

Isn't the point to get all her anger and frustration out? Barely moving wouldn't really accomplish that, I think.

Sticking him with the cattle prod would of course be funny...but probably not quite as satisfying as putting a little muscle behind that rolling pin.
I prefer the spatula... rolling pins are too hard. Definitely not cutting or stabbing... yikes!
You know, if men could just keep their junk in their pants, and give it to their women the way they're supposed to, they wouldn't get stabbed or beaten nearly as often!
Oh, damn. I don't actually. I guess that might help.
OWO: That's an interesting point. I assumed that watching him respond to each jolt would be release enough.

Auri: It would make a wonderful thwacking noise without doing much damage, but the man might enjoy it too much.

Ms Salti: But he was only showing off his scar!

Rachel: Maybe you could get a scar tattoo?
Uh, huh, sure...
and... where were his friends to talk him out of such a thing??
A bit late to comment, I realize, but this post reminded me of a police report I once read. Two women were fighting in the hallway of an apartment complex. One woman's lover ran out, naked, to break up the fight. His girlfriend stabbed him in the scrotum with a knife. When the cops arrived, they found the man with one testicle hanging outside the flesh.

He and his girlfriend later married. I suppose if their love can survive that, it can probably survive anything.
Yes, they always seem to go for the genitals these days.
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