Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Bitter lemon

I’m a pretty phlegmatic ape, but every now and then someone manages to get on my tits. The latest character to accomplish this dubious feat was a fellow called Coley Laffoon. From the minute he entered the safari guesthouse he was full of peevish asides about his former wife, the actress Ann Heche. Initially I felt sorry for the blighter, and when he sat at the bar one evening I listened patiently to his griping.

“Well cheer up,” I said at length. “It’s not many men who get a lesbian to change sides. No one can remove that feather from your cap.”

“Lesbian, my ass!” he snapped as he gazed into his drink. “The whole thing with Ellen Degeneres was a sham for publicity. After we got hitched I said she could bring home any girl she liked for a threesome. Or just for me to watch. But she never did, not even once.”

“Maybe you completely cured her of the Sapphic urge,” I suggested with little conviction. He didn’t seem like the Sapphic-curing type.

His only response was to make a noise like a punctured tyre.

After a while he resumed his carping, declaring that his ex-wife had “fucked him over good” by consorting with various actors, one of whom had impregnated her. I began to tire of his bellyaching and made plans to move out of earshot. But before I could do so, he initiated a new line of complaint about the insufficient alimony she was paying him. This was too much to bear silently. A man who advertises his financial dependence on a woman who has shunned his bed is utterly devoid of dignity.

“Stop whining, you ungrateful cuckold!” I barked. “The settlement you obtained is evidently a generous one given that you are now on a de luxe safari!”

I strode away to let him stew in his sour juices. After my shift, I entered the manager’s office to do a little research on the computer. It seems that this Laffoon poltroon was deeply complicit in the dissolution of his marriage, having spent a good portion of his leisure time
playing ping-pong and watching porn. Imagine how frustrating that must have been for Ms Heche. You are playing table tennis with your spouse, hoping to improve your game, and he’s continually making you wait between points while he watches some big-titted blonde perform the reverse cowgirl (or whatever it’s called). In Ms Heche’s place, I would have downed my bat until he had finished the movie.

Come to think of it, I don’t see why a man with an attractive wife should watch pornography at all. Using a mixture of flattery and lewd cajolery, he should be capable of persuading her to engage in 90% of the acts one finds in tasteful erotic entertainment. The fact that Laffoon was apparently unable to do so testifies to his mediocrity and general unworthiness.

Now I’m not saying Ms Heche is blameless in this affair. She is clearly at fault for (a) marrying a dullard and (b) behaving like a hoochie rather promptly rectifying her error. But the balance of culpability always lies with the party who complains the most, particularly when I have to hear it. May Laffoon be afflicted with a boil on his backside. And may the nurse who lances it be a poor but enthusiastic darts player.

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Oh Gorilla

Yet again you really nail the crux of the matter.

And you are right, porn is for those sad men with no imagination; if only they lavished their attentions and energies on the selected female of the species they would understand that we are capable of contortion and much more.

Objectification, what price huh?


That girl has AssTV! :-D

Me want one.
You've got a hell of an imagination, coming up with a name like Coley Laffoon.


Excellent stuff. Dickensian, almost.
Excellent post, Mr Bananas.
Maybe the whole thing lies on the fact that humans still believe firmly -in flagrant error- that they are monogamous.

Some kids, (the ones that still believe naively in faithfulness =the art of cheating our significant others only with our mind) say this lovely virtual prayer:

Lord, during this year,
please send clothes
for all those poor ladies
in Dad's computer.

Live and learn.
Once again, I'm cracking up. Did you just learn what the actual position (reverse cowgirl) was called... on my blog, perhaps? I love the pic at the end. It's got me all hot and bothered!
Anne Heche is a hottie... The ex seems like a douche. And no, I will not offer to lance the boil on his backside. He is undeserving of my finely tuned hands. Laffoon, the Baffoon. See... if she had only said this to herself once or twice before her wedding night she might have thought better about the whole situation. Maybe she should call you for advice next time my love.

Hope you are well. Did you take your health tonic for me today ;-)
Being named "Coley Laffoon" is not the greatest start in life for any man, but the jeering he must have surely got should've made him stronger not wimpier. He should now marry a baboon, if he's got any sense of humour at all.
Oonagh: Well thank you, Ms PussyGirl, I always do my best to nail the cruxes to the table. I am sure we both have vivid imaginations.

Red Squirrel: She's a cowgirl for the electronic age. Maybe you should ask Mrs Squirrel?

The Jules: I wish I had invented it. Does it mean something in the Welsh tongue?

Leni: That's quite a moving poem. It's nice to know that children have compassion for the naked. My theory is that pornography eventually leads to impotence.

Ms Salti: I depend on you to educate me about such things, Ms Salti. It looks like a position for the lazy man.

Auri: I hope you never have to lance a boil, dear Auri. You were made for better things. I am taking a variety of tonics to stay fit for you.

Gadjo: The baboon would wear the trousers in that relationship. He could take the baboon's surname, which might improve his self-esteem.
Ooh is that the reverse cowgirl position?? I must say that i have learnt more from you on life than from any school i have ever been to :p

p/s : Do Gorillas like trying out different sexual positions?
I think the main crime here is that someone was playing table tennis whilst not on holiday. Sickening.

As for porn, well, what man hasn't watched it. If it doesn't involve anything under the height of 5 foot it's all good. Shire horses are fine. If I find a life mate that wants to get married to me I just expect them to watch it with me.

Regardless, he does seem like a dick, and he's named after a fish. Well rid!
I must beg to differ, Mr. GB. Porn is practically a requirement in any successful marriage. Ping-pong? Not so much.
Anne Heche broke Steve Martin's heart. So I loathe her on principle. How could she throw him away like some old flotsam and jetsam? I'd have looked after him.
I'm glad I could be of service. Just let me know if my expertise is needed in the future!
It is my deep hope that somewhere, somehow, you are getting paid for writing this. It's stellar!
Sabrina: Gorillas like to do it standing up, Saby, so they can make a quick getaway if an elephant charges them. I don't think the reverse cowgirl is a good position - a lot of the woman's body is wasted.

Rachel: I'm sure you will find such a mate, Rach. I'll be interested to hear what kind of porn you watch together,

Ana: I hope you will one day eloborate on the good porn does for a marriage, Ana. Would mirrors on the bedroom walls and ceilings be a possible alternative?

Madame Defarge: She broke Steve Martin's heart? I never knew that. He's quite a senstive man beneath all the quippery, isn't he?

Ms Salti: I am learning of your talents from Auri as well. You seem to have good contacts.

Ari: Thank you so much, Ari. The only payment I require is the appreciation of my readers.
May I share a health and safety warning, GB? Laptops can get quite hot, especially when downloading many images, so I wouldn't have one on my bare tummy like that chap in your pic.
Ms Heche needs to get a name people can instantly know how to pronounce if she wants to get on in show business - like Ralph Fiennes.

It would help if she didn't look like 60% of BBC female employees after a night standing in the rain outside Transport House.
Dear GB, you are always a little too lenient on the female ofthe species in this case Ann. While I appreciate that Coley Laffoon may be a tool you have glossed over the er mental health issues of Ann Heche.She has said that she was "sexually abused by her father until she was 12 years old, and that the experience drove her insane and gave her genital herpes. By her mid-20s, Heche says she had two personalities, herself and "Celestia", an alien from another planet who could talk to dead people, see into the future, and was a half-sister of Jesus Christ."
It takes two to tango and maybe he got sick of her split personalities etc.
I hear you have nice tits, Mr. B

As for Coley Laffoon, he's a huge buffoon, but I hear Coley has a nice vagina.

(at least that's what Anne told me in bed last night)
I have to say that this is the happiest I have been to have stumbled upon a blog in ages. I have not laughed this hard in awhile. I'm immediately adding this page to my bookmarks.

I have never cared for Anne Heche so I wasn't too personally invested in her affairs. I did agree, though, 100% when you said...

Using a mixture of flattery and lewd cajolery, he should be capable of persuading her to engage in 90% of the acts one finds in tasteful erotic entertainment.

Having been on the receiving end of such bottomless words, I can attest to their power...sadly. Cry...
I'll lance that boil. Send him down to the Gimcrack
Inkspot: I've never tried that sort of heat treatment, but I hear it might be good for damaged muscles.

Mr Boyo: You're not very keen on blondes, are you? A lot of men might think that Transport House was the BBC's Totty Central from your comment.

Emma: She's done very well for a woman with such mental scars. I don't think she pulled any crazy shit on Laffoon, his complaints about her seemed very petty.

Static: I've got the firmest tits in the jungle, my friend. Laffoon could easily impersonate a vagina with his face.

Marina: Hello, Marina, I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Don't feel bad about being persuaded to engage in lewd acts, it's the mark of generous personality.

Nursemyra: The Gimcrack has given you a strong stomach, Nursie!
On the contrary, a woman should be like a lemon - bitter, jaundiced and unwaxed.
That's an excellent position: she doesn't have to look at his face, and can be compiling her shopping list or reading Cosmo. Harold used to listen to the footie on Radio 5 live on a Saturday afternoon in bed. It was OK unless someone scored a goal.
I would be the one watching porn if I was married to that guy. But Ann had to know what she was getting herself into when she said 'I do'. A deadbeat (woman or man) will always be a deadbeat. Not that I'm a fan of Ann Heche.
Yeah for Portia de Rossi!
What is everyone talking about, GB? What's wrong with watching TV while your chiropractor manipulates your knees?
why didn't they just combine the ping pong, porn and sexy times? that combo could save any marriage.
Mr Boyo: And squirt as well?

Lady Daphne: I would have thought his reaction to a goal being scored would have been the best bit.

Ms Donut: Does anyone really know what they're getting into when they say "I do"?

Mrs Table: What's wrong is that the computer screen is obscuring a fine view.

Kara: It's not easy to pull off a trick like that. I speak as a former circus ape.
Laffoon isn't your kind of man, is he Sarah?
GB: he's a gigantic cunt. and i whole-heartedly agree with your views on porn.
My wife says about me- give me an hour with any lesbian, and she'll have no more desire for vaginas.

..of course, you can't believe everything you hear, right? I really want to believe that I'm THAT good.
Your wife desires vaginas? Why ever did she marry you?
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