Monday, July 13, 2009

Animal lovers

Got a call from little Charlotte Uhlenbroek the other day. She’s recently appeared in a series of wildlife documentaries on British TV, visiting the great apes and trying to sort out their problems. The problems, it must be said, remained largely unsolved. On the plus side she did manage to goad a few chimpanzees into tickling her, which made her giggle like an excited schoolgirl. On strength of this performance she asked me to nominate her for Animal Lover of the Year.

“I’ll put your name forward, Charlotte, but I can’t say your chances are good,” I said. “Last year it was won by a fellow who sucked a cow’s udders. This year we’ve had reports of a man who wanked off a dolphin. That’ll be stiff competition, as you can imagine.”

“They’re so fucking sexist, GB!” squeaked Charlotte angrily. “They’ve never given it to a woman, have they? Do I have to suck off a chimp or something?”

“I wouldn’t recommend it, Charlotte, they’d be queuing outside your tent once the word got out. Why don’t you try something with the hoofed animals instead? The judges are always impressed by women who can ride the herbivore bareback.”

“Not bloody likely, GB, my arse is sore enough as it is!"

I said I would do my best to make her case from her work with the apes.

I have to admit that I lied about the man who wanked off a dolphin. That incident occurred a long time ago, so the perpetrator wouldn't be eligible for this year’s award. I wanted to lower Charlotte’s expectations without telling her about the real favourite: an Ohio woman who allows a squirrel to reside between her breasts. One shouldn’t put such ideas into the head of an impressionable TV naturalist.

So what about this woman from Ohio? Apparently, the first person to find out about her furry tenant was a police detective. He was interviewing her about an unrelated felony when the bushy-tailed rodent
popped out of its hiding place and tried to escape. Less nervous creatures than a squirrel have cracked under the strain of a dogged interrogation. The woman promptly reassured the animal and put it back into its cosy refuge. They obviously had a relationship based on mutual trust and affection – bosom buddies, so to speak.

Now on the face of it, this woman showed great hospitality in allowing Little Nutkin to nestle between her norks. It has all the appearance of a selfless act carried out by a true lover of furry creatures. However, a breast boffin called Cathinka Chandler claims that parting the chest cleavage is actually good for the boobs, preventing them from wrinkling and sagging. She has invented a device called
The Kush which is essentially a glorified titty-separator. She claims that women who sleep with one lodged between their baps will wake up in the morning with a bust to be proud of.

All of which suggests that the woman from Ohio had a selfish motive for her squirrel-friendly behaviour. That’s typically human, isn’t it? You think they’re doing something out of generosity of spirit, when in reality they have an ulterior motive. Let’s hope the judges can see through her wiles.

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One wonders about a short walk in the Hindu Kush.

I'd be worried that it would slip down and provide some other form of nocturnal entertainment. It has a strangely appealing shape to it.
The Kush "titty-separator" sells for between £29.99 and £39.99 - ahh, good grief, you could get same effect going with a 'D' size flashlight battery or one of those tiny jars of Shippam's crab paste for just a few pence!
I would prefer a more sustainable solution to this vexed problem: how about a courgette? As long as it was rotated every few days it would remain edible.
Damn now I have to sleep with something on my chest to keep my tits from sagging...this keeping beautiful is never ending
Smiling Hello GB:)
Just wanted to say thanks for the tip you gave about dolphins:) What makes me surprised is how did you know that I spent my w-end with my auntie! OMG I'm so surprised when I read your smart note now. Sorry for not giving-away so you'd be winner:)

Well, merci bien again for your visiting at CR. For more of Sunday, do pay a visit when you can.

Sending warm thoughts from gray+rainy istanbul. Where's my Mr Sun gone? Is He there in?
GB, Does this also work for Moobs?
Sucking a cows udders. And to think, the first person that decided humans should drink cow's milk must have done this. And we followed despite the fact they are clearly insane.

Forty quid for that? I'll be using the Shippam's as suggested above.
Madame Defarge: I don't think it's very mobile, Madame D. It wouldn't slip downstairs of it's own accord.

Gadjo: But would the texture and curvature be the same? Perhaps a piece of plasticine could be shaped into the correct form.

Gaw: I suspect it would get too squidgy after a long night between the boobies.

Peach Tart: I'm sure you'd get used to it. The sensation is probably quite agreeable.

Nihal: Hello and welcome, Nihal! I once engaged in repartee with a dolphin - he was a very cheeky fellow!

Organic Meatbag: It won't make them look like a perfect pair of titties, but it might stop them from colliding.

Rachel: Cow's milk or mother's milk, Rach? That was a line in a funny film.
Us squirrels can't help ourselves - I've been happily sleeping on Mrs. RS's cleavage for *ages*
I've heard that chimps are a terribly horny bunch. So what that girl had in mind wasn't clever.

Talking of animal love, I remember when many years ago, Burridge's Bryn Schwodler came about a video of Animal Farm.

The bloody thing got stuck in the recorder. He had to resort to a screwdriver to get the tape out.

The video was never the same after that.
Darnit, they removed the video. That's still hilarious, though!
Is that why Jane Goodall always looks so peaceful GB? Was she a giver? My husband often provides the role of the kush. But he lifts AND separates free of charge!
this post made me want a cheeseburger. explain that.
Red Squirrel: You've got to nestle between them to provide the same benefits as the Kush.

Emerson: You should have made him buy a new VCR. Footballers have no respect for property.

Fancy: Yes, I noticed they'd removed it. The still picture was still very informative, though.

Auri: Jane Goodall was the best-looking white woman in Africa in her day, so I would guess she was a receiver. The kush would only be necessary afer your hubby's arms got tired.

Kara: Hmm, it should have made you want a KFC breast piece. You were probably reading it on an empty stomach.
An unblemished décolletage is a woman's greatest asset.

for women with a partner I recommend sleeping with your man's member between your breasts

for singles, just move your vibrator up a foot or so after it's performed its other duty
Whatever happened to the Playtex Cross-your-heart bra - "lifts and separates". Went the way of girdles and support hose, I don't doubt.
Useful for boobs that don't get on.

"And . . . separate. Right, back to it, nothing below the belt . . ."
OMG, the Kush! A brilliant idea. Since I don't have a Kush (yet) I will use a cucumber instead.

But I guess it's to late for this woman :(
My bad:
Mr Bananas,

You’re always so wise and tactful. Being tickled by a few chimpanzees doesn’t seem to be very talented as to be nominated Animal Lover of the Year, don’t you think? But as long as it improves Animal/Human fraternity, anything will do.

I'm considering ro buy a Kush. It will surely be an unforgettable and addictive experience. Do you recommend this or should I better become friends with a squirrel?

Take care!

Nursemyra: Excellent tips, Nursie. But would a man's member really be up to the job?

Lady Daphne: I'm sure that technology is obsolete now, milady. Weren't they rather constrictive?

The Jules: It's terrible when twins don't get on.

Donut girl: A shocking image, Ms Donut. May your own tomatoes stay firm and ripe.

Leni: Some women need neither Kush nor Squirrel, Leni, and I have a feeling you might be one of them.

Lilu: Glad someone noticed!
The squirrel-in-boobs video is still all over you tube however.

Here it is with bonus piano cat at the end:
Topiary would not want a squirrel residing in her foliage...surely their fur is rather scratchy.

As for lifting and separating, probably a good thing, though that doesn't look very comfortable.

Judging from the size of the Kush I would think that a hamster (declawed) would be more useful here than a squirrel. I suppose it would need to be drugged to stay asleep all night though. Perplexing.
Vanity, thy name is woman?
Charlotte should get an award just for trying to sort out the great apes' (apes's?!) problems: it could be closely related to those problems women have with men :)

Thanks for the comment on my post; I REALLY like your blog and look forward to ready some more of it, so hurry up and write! ;)
LOL - hysterical!
"Some women need neither Kush nor Squirrel, Leni, and I have a feeling you might be one of them"

Mr Bananas... neither Kush nor Squirrel, that's not what I need, you're right.

How can you possibly know me so well? (*giggles*)
Face: Thanks for that, Face baby. I'll have more to say about the cat in due course.

Topiary Cow: And they also require regular feeding, Ms Cow. I suppose the women must have a bag of nuts somewhere on her person.

Emma: It was actually a baby squirrel, Emma. And the woman had a rather large bust.

Sidhu: Maybe, but it's a lot better than cosmetic surgery.

Ladytruth: Hello and welcome, ma'am! Charlotte is a goodhearted girl who deserves much praise for trying to help us. We are not a substitute for men, though.

Dorothy: Hello, Dorothy. Give my regards to the Scarecrow! (Just kidding!)

Leni: I think we have achieved a mutual empathy.
ick.. a dirty rodent between the tatas!
A salt shaker wrapped in bubble wrap would be cheaper...and more fun.
I think I'll get me a Kush so that "the sag" doesn't start too early... also because I'm not lucky enough to have a man to hold them for me!
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