Monday, June 15, 2009

To baldly go...

A character called Dr Lewis Dartnell is claiming that space travel makes you bald, fat and ugly. I know a coded insult aimed at William Shatner when I see one. The rumour that Captain Kirk wore a wig is absolutely false – it would have had to be glued to his scalp to stay on during all the fisticuffs and jujitsu he did with recalcitrant aliens. The colour match with his eyebrows was also too exact for the dyes of that era.

There is no evidence whatever that space travel causes hair loss. The Apollo astronauts were at least as hairy during splashdown as they were during lift-off. (They were much less hairy than the space chimps, of course, but that is comparing apples with pears). I’d like to know whether the newspaper that quoted Dr Dartnell checked his credentials first. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were one of those bogus doctors who go into practice to fondle women’s breasts. In any event, the phoney pundit will probably now be deluged with hate mail from outraged trekkers. And it will serve him right.

Now Captain Picard was as bald as an egg, but that doesn’t prove anything because he was slim and handsome rather than fat and ugly. The Next Generation, it must be admitted, was superior to The Original Series in almost every particular. Picard had more gravitas than Kirk, Data out-spocked Spock, and there were two leading ladies in skin-tight lycra costumes rather than the token Miss Uhura with a gizmo stuck in her ear. The surest way of getting a friendly debate going amongst a group of men is to ask them whether they’d rather ravish Beverly Crusher or Deanna Troi. There are always strong preferences for one or the other, although the manager of the safari camp once declared that he “wouldn’t touch either of those prick teasers”.

Some humans foolishly believe that we gorillas empathise with the Klingons. Nothing could be further from the truth. As well as being prodigious meat-eaters (and presumably suffering from halitosis as a result) they are far too tense and irascible to be our kindred spirits. I feel particularly sorry for Worf, scowling away on the bridge while everyone else grooves to the pulse of the warp engines. If I were on the Enterprise, I’d try and get him to lighten up:

“Worfy baby,” I’d say, “you’ve got to lose the ‘fuck you’ attitude, which went out of fashion shortly after the death of Genghis Khan. Chill out in ‘Ten Forward’. Flirt with Whoopie Goldberg. Learn to play the guitar. Eat more fruit. That’s the way to make friends and influence people on a Federation star ship.”

But they’ll never top The Next Generation. A big part of its appeal lies in the depiction of a harmonious space community free of jealousy, intrigue and masturbation. There was no need for self-abuse on the Enterprise because of the holodeck, where the computer would generate fully functional surrogates capable of unlimited guilt-free coitus (and no risk of cooties). Instead of vainly trying to seduce Dr Crusher, a crewman could do his worst to her exact replica. How did Beverly feel about men using her simulacrum as a concubine? I don’t know, but I would hope she felt flattered.

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I think those British scientists are just jealous they'll never get to travel through space. "Oh, flying in a rocket ship isn't so great. It will just give you gas, really. I'd rather spend a week in Manchester." I know jealousy when I hear (read) it.

My top Next Generation babe would be Ensign Robin Lefler. Who could say no to Ashley Judd? I'd trouble her tribble, I would.
I think you watch Sky One every afternoon, just like me. I like the Ferengi myself - I always sympathise with 'space jews'....
Jean Luc Picard... that bald head... those almond shaped eyes. I get a little verklepmt just thinking about it. I'm sorry... what was the question?
William Shatner wore a wig in T. J. Hooker though.

Well, it better have been a wig.
have you gone to cinema to see the Star Trek movie then?

N.G. was better than the original, however, i don't believe it was the best Trek series. i was always a Voyager fan myself. hell of a series finale on that one.
Chris V: Robin Lefler? Did that waif ever kiss anyone? I like the hooker that Riker stayed with on shore leave - the one that taught him that addictive game. She may have been green.

Mutley: The Ferengi are dirty little men who believe that women should be naked, Mutley. If you admit to liking them, people will start asking questions about you.

Auri: They should have hired you to be the girl who rubs oil into his scalp, Auri. Did you like his voice as well?

Red Squirrel: It's a good thing T J Hooker has never been shown in the Congo. The chimpanzees might riot.

Sarah: Voyager? The one with the bossy woman in command and the ugly troll with the cute blonde girlfriend? It seemed very unnatural to me.
I don't mind what you do with my simulacrum GB
Worf should have worn a pair of Crocs to get down and dippy.
My dear Gorilla, I am dismayed that you seem to have swallowed the Wigless William story! As you know, I have friends in high places, and Shatner's shaitel is well-known. Verita Thompson handthreaded several for him. I wish you would fact-check all toupee related topics with me first. Saves time.

(And Auri: tahkeh? Alein!)
Mr Bananas, you devil, you knew a Star Trek post would force me to loiter and comment when I am running around trying to multitask for Wales. I have noted the deliberate use of a William Shatner pic at the top of the page to hook me and reel me in.

What I like about the new Star Trek movie is that it combines the humour and energy of the under-funded gungho storylines in the Original Series with the technological advances of TNG without too much of the rather staid, holier than thou, politically correct stuffiness.

As to whether Shatner wears a wig and is a selfish, pompous arse, I don't really care. He was my first screen crush. But I also loved the balding Picard and Shatner's later incarnation as the chubby Denny Crane (TJ Hooker did not do it for me at all and will be expunged from my memory). Both actors have incredible charisma but I suspect both men are probably rather a trial to live with.

It's not about liking balding men or hairy men, it's about their perception of themselves and a confident attitude towards their appearance.

PS... If anyone wants to use my simulacrum (what a strange word) on the holodeck, feel free. I would feel most flattered :)
Eat more fruit? You're right, I really should. I have a juicer at home, I should use it and stop living off cereal and baked bean sandwiches.
Picard is the man. The silky voice helps.

"Make it so."

Bad. Ass.
Nursemyra: Thanks, Nursie, I'll remember that when I find a holodeck!

Scarlet: He's a very big Klingon to be cheeked by a naughty girl like you, Miss Scarlet.

Mrs Pouncer: I regret that your friends are so prone to tittle-tattle, Mrs Pouncer, irrespective of whether their allegations have substance.

Mrs Cake: I have heard more ambivalent reviews of the movie, Joanna. I have been told that while the young versions of Spock and McCoy were admirably authentic, the young Kirk had none of William Shatner's cool poise and behaved like an effing aunt. What say you?

Emerson: I'm surprised your diet is as healthy as that.
Most footballers are constipated meat-and-potatoes types, aren't they?

Rachel: Ah yes, the catchprase! I think his finest moment was when he was tortured by the Cardassian, Gul Madred.
Gorilla, this is not so much a Star Trek question or comment, but I'm just wondering, are there any Gorillas that can play the banjo?
I always preferred Commander Riker to Captain Picard, even although he was unashamedly alpha male. Riker always seemed sexier. Saw him once at a Star Trek convention (just don't ask) and nearly fainted with excitement.
Oh GB... I would still gladly massage oil into that beautiful bald head of his. Several times a day. As long as he read to me me now and then while I was doing it. My fingertips are getting a little tingly just thinking about it! Then again if your hairy head were in need of a good massage too I would be happy to oblige=)

And yes Ms. Pouncer... really! But my Yiddish is rusty... alein? Doesn't that mean alone? I don't understand?
oh you would say that GB..
sonofabitch...i totally commented on this already and it didn't take. now i hate everything.

i heard once that back in WWII the enemy used to force POWs to sit in a room without chairs or a bathroom and watch episodes of all 50 versions of star trek on one endless loop. it's where they later got the idea of a clockwork orange.

true story.
Mr Meatbag: Our fingers are rather too big for the banjo. We generally prefer wind intruments.

Madame Defarge: I couldn't get past the fact that Riker was called "Number one" by Picard. Better than "Number two", but only slightly.

Sarah: Well, I suppose you know me quite well now. The holodeck Dr was quite funny in a bitchy way.

Auri: It's seems you are fond of giving pleasure with your fingers, Auri. I'd prefer it on my shoulders if that's OK with you.

Kara: Hah! I don't believe anyone would find watching it torture. I'd like Spock to be your boss. He'd soon settle your hash with his logic and stuff. You can't be sassy with logic.
Mr Bananas, I have to say that the young Kirk's youthful over-enthusiasm could be a little irritating, and possibly even auntish, but I'd like to think that he learned his lessons well and matured into the model we know and love, with the sobering effect of his friendship with Spock. Of course, interfering witht the timeline could mean that he continues in the same vein... which would be a shame.
I love that demotivator. I also like the one titled EXPENDABILITY:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Ensign Ricky are beaming down to the planet. Guess who's not coming back
Cow agrees with everything Ms. Cake says, and Ms. DeFarge's comments also.

The New Movie attempts the charm and charisma of the Original Series and made the best attempt yet, but alas, she's right that Riker had more charisma, and the old Kirk did too.

After the seeing the new movie, Cow dug out some Original Series episodes and was impressed again at just how good the good episodes are. They truly do stand the test of time. In Cow's opinion, the best Original Series can wipe the floor with any subsequent movies or series. Still, after 40 years!

Just Cow's humble, leafy opinion.

Boldly Mooing where no Moo has gone before!
I'm about the furthest thing from being a Trekkie, but with all this talk of coitus, I may have to check out some old episodes...
Believe me, Mr Bananas, if human males just didn't worry that much about their head hair and the size of their bits, life would be sooo much easier for them. Picard knows!
A deal is a deal. You rub my head when I have a migraine and I'll in turn rub your shoulders after a long day of safari. I'm worried about your females. This is obviously purely platonic but they aren't the jealous type hopefully?! Perhaps I could provide my darling hubby for their entertainment during this therapeutic session? Do let me know... I'm waiting on pins and needles;-)
Mrs Cake: I appreciate William Shatner a lot more after seeing that young hooligan. The real Kirk was always in control of his emotions, apart from when he was trying to seduce a female.

Sally: Haha! That's why Scotty never beamed down to the planet. He was one red shirt they couldn't afford to lose.

Topiary Cow: Ms Cow is also a fan of Cmdr Riker? That fellow must have something the ladies like!

Ms Salti: There is even human-android sex! Cmdr Data takes advantage of Ms Yar in an early Next Generation episode.

Leni: Picard's pate was as smooth as an ostrich egg, which may have been part of his appeal.

Auri: They certainly won't be jealous if you lend them your husband! You may later find bite marks in surprising areas of his body!
Dearest G,
I always thought Kirk was sex in space. It was after all the swinging 60"s. In the future there will be no guilt, or unplanned babies (maybe they put them in a tube for later use) and of course no STD's. Just a romping good time with Captain suave.! Now Picard was the sexy brain. He could fine a needle in a haystack of space. So surly he could fine the clitoris.
But what's up with that "Earl Grey, Hot." If we can make a voice activated computer to make tea, wouldn't it know he and everyone else has it hot?
Sorry for the long post. But I am a underground Trekkie. Yikes!
I prefer not to think of Shatner as...well, Shatner. I prefer to think of him as Denny Crane. He's infinitely more interesting.
For the record, can I just say that I never liked Riker...
William Shatner is one of the most amazing people that I (don't) know.

That being said, since I'm a child of the 80's, and also grew up next to the Chief of Police's kids, I was deep into Po-lice. So I know the Shatty from Rescue 9-1-1.
I've arrived late again, sorry. It is Fireball XL5 that we're talking about isn't it?
At first I couldn't concentrate over the sound of Captain Kirk's, you know, awesomeness.

I too was reeled in by the picture of Kirk, but I stayed for Captain Picard. Bald is sexy. Comb-over not sexy, but a man who is bald and comfortable with
So many simulacrum, so little time. *sigh*
Beverly: Kirk was cool, there's no doubt about it. Did you see the movie Star Trek IV when they return to 20th century Earth? The way he flirted with the young marine biologist was an object lesson. Picard was following in the Kirk tradition of being calm and intelligent, but he seemed a bit stiff with the ladies if you'll excuse the pun. Does anyone like their tea warm rather than hot?

Ms OWO: I've been meaning to have a good look at Boston Legal.

Mrs Cake: He was supposed to be the playboy male totty, but his character was much weaker than Kirk or Picard.

Katie: It's a pity you don't live next door to Shatty, I'm sure he'd be very friendly!

Kevin: I had to look that one up. Was it as good as Thunderbirds?

Trish: Do you think completely bald is better than a bald crown with hair round the sides? I think it's better to go for the full ostrich egg.

Wendy: Hello Wendy? So which simulacrum would be at the top of your list?
I don't know about space travel but I have it on good authority that living in the jungle makes you big, hairy and fond of scantily-clad members of the opposite sex.
I often compare Star Trek NG to New Labour. Star Trek 1.0, like Old Labour, wasn't elegant, it wasn't sexy, but it did what it said on the tin. I suspect your preference for the latest version is that it's got more totty showing a bit of thigh. Old Star Trek - rather like Old Labour - was a bit phallocentric, but they were real men in those days - Mr Sulu, Mr Chekhov, Scottie, Bones, Roy Hattersley - as opposed to the metrosexual bunch that's on the Bridge now. That Mandelson with his pointy ears and his wraparound glasses, I don't trust him one bit. Captain Gordon looks a bit like a Klingon that's gone through one Warp factor too many at the moment. Or am I getting it all confused with Dr Who? David Tennant is a defrocked priest you know .... excuse me I'm just going for a lie down, space-time continuum sickness.
The 'energizer' was the best thing about Star Trek, according to me. I wish I had one!
Mrs Table: Hello, Mrs Table! I don't know where you get these funny ideas: female gorillas are never scantily clad!

Lady Daphne: Mr Sulu was a real man? Haha, milady, that's a good one! But you're right, I like NG because of the ladies. Roxanna Troi was my favourite - an older female who knew how to enjoy life.

Sidhu: To transport you somewhere else? I'm sure we all have moments when we wish for one of those.
Boston Legal was fantastic the first season. Later, not so much.

Cow thinks the first season especially will appeal to Gorilla.

Shatner and Spader made that show awesome. Bergen was alright sometimes.
What about that foxy Seven of Nine? What a babe. She does it for me, and I'm a heterosexual female! Star Trek endures, perhaps, because it is wildly hopeful and optimistic about a possible future for the humans. Planet of the Apes is probably more realistic, though!
Planet of the Apes is NOT realistic. It portrayed the gorillas as violent and aggressive. And who is the foxy chick? Are you talking about Deep Space Nine?
Not sure which of the many many Treks she's on, but the actress is Jeri Ryan and here she is:

I see. Thank you for the link. She has much to commend her.
Not sure about fat and ugly, but I have seen space travelers who are mostly bald. With due respect to all, I am stating this.
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