Friday, June 05, 2009

Marital problems

An impotent man has been arrested in Malaysia for attempting to deceive his wife with cucumbers and aubergines. The woman wasn’t fooled and endured six years of vegetable abuse before complaining to the police. It’s a depressing story which confirms what shrinks say about poor communication leading to marital break-ups. He should have come clean about his impotence, and she should have told him to get those damned vegetables out of the bed.

I’ve often thought I’d be good at counselling human couples with marital problems. When humans see other humans bickering they instinctively want to take sides, but we gorillas are more objective. In studying the dynamics of a human relationship, we have the emotional detachment of Davy Attenborough watching a pair of feuding ferrets. This makes us utterly impervious to the antagonisms that poison human gender relations. Feminism, male chauvinism, phallocentrism, pussy-magnetism – they are all irrelevant concepts to a gorilla.

Gorillas could counsel humans, but it would never work the other way around. When I have a tiff with my females, things progress fairly quickly from curses and pinches to frenzied violence. Any human who tried to mediate would be trembling like a leaf. Giving honest advice is impossible if you’re fearful that saying the wrong thing will lead to your arms getting ripped off.

That’s why we gorillas never intervene in disputes between animals heftier than ourselves. The matriarch of an elephant herd once asked me to have a quiet word with a rogue bull that was attempting to mount everything with a trunk.

“No can do, ma’am!” I said. “The job is outside of my size range. You’d better ask King Kong or Godzilla.”

The bull elephant was finally put out of his misery when he gate-crashed a training exercise of the Congolese Armed Forces and tried to have sex with a T-72.

Not all differences can be reconciled, of course. I doubt Mr Cucumber will ever patch things up with his missus however much remorse he shows. He ought to apologise to the vegetables as well as his wife. No nutritious plant should ever be made to act as a sexual surrogate against its will. After an experience like that, I would describe its condition as inedible. I certainly wouldn’t eat it, no matter how many times it was rinsed in cold water.

For some women adultery is an unforgivable offence, while others seem able to live with it. My theory is that the tolerant wives are the ones who intend to retaliate by having affairs of their own. Princess Diana didn’t leave Charles when he was carrying on with Camilla because she knew she’d soon be cheating like a trollop herself. By the end of his first marriage, Old Jug Ears must have been the most cuckolded heir to the throne in English history.

Charles and Diana were a hopeless case and I wouldn’t have wasted my energy on trying to keep them together. When famous humans divorce, my reaction is usually “What took you so long?”. The one celebrity marriage I would go out on a hairy limb to save is the union between Mr Becks and Victoria Spice. They are now more famous for being married to each other than anything else, and I’d hate to see them trade insults in the gutter press. Maybe I’ll invite them to the Congo for a second honeymoon and help them brush up on their non-verbal communication skills.

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cute post. i recently wrote about this as well. the truths we hide and lies we tell.. this is kind of a funny example of communication breakdown.
Perhaps he would have got away with it if he'd had resort to a modest carrot; much more comfortably accommodated. It was a typical case of over-reaching, probably provoked by marrow envy.
Could she have retaliated by some well chosen melons? Maybe he felt that she was a sack of potatoes or he merely wanted to help out with her five a day.
Could you introduce Posh Spice to a T-72? It would improve the world a teensy little bit.
Mr. Laughs says he would forgive infidelity on my part. but i cannot say that i would forgive him for the same offense.

and i'd hope to hades that a woman could tell the difference between a human penis and a cucumber, sweet fuck on a stick. the differences are astronomical.
Glad you said it Sarah because I was about to... a woman who can't tell the difference after that long has other issues. Poor hubby doesn't deserve to be imprisoned he should be given a medal for trying to keep his woman satisfied! Ungrateful! And GB... if you need any help with the Becks/Posh 2nd honeymoon thing let me know... tee heehee
As you note, Mr Bananas, 'the woman wasn't fooled.' It's a cultural thang: In some cultures the wife will point out to the husband, 'you're a fucking idiot,' and in some cultures she won't. Who's to say which is right...
i have to wonder if they were refrigerated. the veggies, i mean. it would make a difference.
Floreta: Hello Floreta. Something tells me that communication was never their strong point.

Gaw: Absolutely, he was a veritable braggart in his choice of vegetables.

Madame Defarge: Good point, Madame Defarge. A melon between the thighs would have been an impregnable defence.

Red Squirrel: I could, but I doubt they'd fancy each other.

Sarah: It sounds as if Mr Laughs is well and truly pussy-whipped! I wonder if the Malaysian guy used baby cucumbers?

Auri: Thanks for the offer, Auri. I'm sure you could tell Vcitoria a lot of useful things. And Becks too!

Blockguard: She was demure all right, but waiting six years to complain is carrying it too far. One of the comments to the news story claimed she was having an affair.

Kara: Indeed, Missy, it would feel cold and rigid. Whatever put such an idea into your head?
LOL!!! It's funny that i have to hear about some Malaysian freak from you Mr Bananas! I soo need to read the papers more

As for Mrs Beckham @ One-who-walks-with-a-big-stick-up-her-arse, i think she is just the worst role model for all those adoring tweens out there. She sends out a message that its ok to have a husband that bangs every pig-stimulating chick out there, as long as he keeps the moolah rolling in!
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This talk of melons reminds me of an old saying that my camel-hugging old Djiboutian granny used to say when gramps went awol after doing the shopping:

'A woman is good, a boy is excellent but a melon is very heaven.' (Arab proverb).
I think it was an excellent idea referring Nelly the Elephant to King Kong for marital guidence: the way he cradled Fay Wray in his palm clearly showed he had a caring nature. Not so sure about Godzilla, though - he was Japanese, wasn't he? All his advice would be about not "losing face".
At least he didn't try using a desert cucumber.
AS ever, one turns to The Argentine for guidance in matters marital:

A charming young gaucho named Bruno
Once said there is something I do know
Women are fine
Boys are divine
But llamas are numero uno.
That's the worst photo of Posh and Becks I've seen in a long time. Someone please put them out of their misery
How on earth did he explain the aubergines?
Sabrina: He might be your neighbour, Saby. You'd better keep your chopping knife handy!

Jessica: I'm glad you find all the detailed information usewful, ma'am. The encyclopaedic qualities of my blog are much undervalued.

Anonymous: What a wise old woman she was. I assume grandpa was looking for melons.

Gadjo: Don't underestimate Godzilla, you've only seen him fighting. He was quite a sensitive beast when back home with the missus.

Scarlet: Indeed, Miss Scarlet. I hope she is grateful for that small mercy.

Mr Boyo: I've only seen the version where Bruno is a Bolivian shepherd. It seems everyone wants to claim that limerick.

Nursemyra: I think they were trying a little too hard in that photo.

Lady Daphne: I don't believe he offered any explanation, milady. Pleading guilty might have been the best option.
I knew this woman - I don't remember the exact details but she lived like a man and she claimed that with her 'wife' they always did it in the dark and she used a strapon and the wife didn't notice. Hard to believe but i think it strikes at the crux of the matter she did not want to believe her 'husband' was a woman. in this vegetable case it is different insofar as it seems he forced the veg on her which was a bit out of order.
Perhaps he was multi-tasking and simply whipping up a healthy salad while on the job.
There are men I have 'entertained' who I wish, in retrospect, had used a cucumber or an aubergine instead of their own spring onion.
whatever he did, i hope he peeled it first.
Just because Auri loves you, that means I love you too... so I better start reading! The few things I've glanced at haven't been safe for work so I'll have to delve in deeper when I'm on my own time!
The mixed veg. were a schoolboy error. Compare and contrast:

A policeman of Paddington Junction,
Whose organ had long ceased to function,
Deceived his good wife
All the years of her life
With the dexterous use of his truncheon.
There is nothing wrong with spicing up a relationship with a vegetable so long as both participants are party to the concept.*

Ruf has frequently set about me with both his own and the fridge-dwelling cucumber. Im not planning on replacing the one with the other any time soon.

*There is nothing in the above statement that bears any resemblance to a pun about the Beckham's marriage.
Emma: I don't she how she could have enjoyed it if she had to pretend to be a man the whole time. She must have had small breasts as well.

WIB: Hah! Maybe you should have brought your own vegetables to bed as a backup system.

Sarah: That might be painful!

Ms Salti: Hello, Ms Salti, that's very nice of you. I hope this blog is safe for home!

Inkspot: Once again, the wife probably wasn't really deceived. Maybe she thought it was futile to accuse a policeman.

Mrs Cake: Funny he wanted to use a vegetable with all the sex toys at your disposal. I suppose, being a vegan, he wanted to share you with his buddies.
I wonder if they ate them for dinner after?
Reminds me of the story my mum told me about her best friend who is a bit of a slag if I say so myself.

Apparently the guy was forcing a cucumber in her while he was too.

Bit peculiar some people. What do they did with it afterwards? Leave it for a few days until it pickles?
Vegetable abuse is just awful.

Why, I don't know how many times Prince Charles, Camilla, Becks, and Posh need to be reminded that being a vegetable will not be tolerated. And if you are a vegetable, please stop the abuse!
If you do end up counselling Posh Spice you might want to encourage the cucumbers and aubergine "diet" favoured by our impotent friend.

The poor girl is terribly thin and desperately needs to get more food in her.
Cucumbers? The phrase wizard's sleeves springs to mind.
"Desperately thin", I would say Slender and Fit, though!.... Maybe Posh Spice is just getting ready for the next "Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Edition". It's almost Summertime, so relax!,
Take some counselling, burn some fat, eat good and try having a vigorous body.... but if you can't, at least go for healthy MIND, Ram.
Ms Smack: I hope not!

Mia: Both him and the cucumber, Mia? Surely not in the same place!

Static: The onion, the prune, the turnip and the runner bean.

Ram: That would hollow her out rather than fill her up!

Emerson: I'm sure women aren't interested in those sort of details.

Peter: I see you prefer waif-like women. Ram is in prison so his options are limited.
Mrs Boyo once tried to confuse me with cucumbers and aubergines.

She said they were edible.
When in doubt keep the light on.
Whew! (Cow still breathless from this picture of Becks).

"No nutritious plant should ever be made to act as a sexual surrogate against its will. "

This, right there, this is the cause of all the world's ills.

I don't understand. Why give all the fun to a vegetable when it would probably be much more happy rubbing against its partners in the salad draw. Lose-lose situation.
She got suspicious when he referred to her underwear as the salad drawers.
With all the starving people in the world, it seems a shame to be wasting food on sex, when no one seems to be having fun. Now if both parties were enjoying themselves thats another matter. Then I would say throw in a whole watermelon if it would add to the fun. And perhaps some yogurt, or ranch dressing for good measure.
Mr Boyo: Ah, well you should have made her taste them first to prove it.

Pi: Possibly worth keeping the lights on even when you're not in doubt.

Topiary Cow: I knew your sympathies would be with the vegetables, Ms Cow!

Rachel: Very true. I think it's all about male pride, Rach. You know about that, don't you?

The Jules: Good punning!

Beverley: Good suggestions, Beverley. Don't forget the mayonnaise as well. And possibly Tabasco sauce for those who like it hot!
Does any of this count towards her 5 portions per day Mr Bananas ??
Yeah from my understand the guy wasnt too big so she could accomdate both him AND the cucumber. Oh and did I mention she is a bit of a slag?
All of a sudden, the cartoon "Salad Fingers" comes to mind
Beast: The diet in that part of the world is naturally fruity, Beast.

Mia: I hope nothing got lost in there. It sounds like the Black Hole of Calcutta.
Im not sure...I think she got the wrong end of the stick when the govt came out with their 5 a day plan!
The cucumber abandoned outside the vegetable section of the store always makes me wonder.
I'm wondering as well, Ari. Where is this store?
The poor thing probably has PTSD and won't be able to eat another salad as long as she lives.

Though...I'll say she's partially to blame if she knew about it for 6 years and let that wierdo keep going on about his business.
Communication is key. You must be honest with one another. How could a cucumber possibly feel comfortable too?
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