Monday, June 29, 2009


Kim Dong Il has put his youngest son in charge of his country’s spy agency. An unusually rash decision for the crafty little midget. His older sons are bound to feel resentful and are probably hatching a plot against the Dear Daddy as I write. My guess is they’ll go for the scorpion in the long johns. Humans have always used animals as assassins to cover their traces. One sting on the scrotum and Dongy’s chestnuts will be toast. A small target, admittedly, but scorpions can always sense the most vulnerable organ.

Anyone who’s watched Team America knows that Dongy is not a happy man. Living in North Korea probably has a lot to do with it. The clothes are drab and itchy, the nightlife is non-existent and the television is absolute crap. The boredom must be unbearable for a pint-sized despot with loads of cash and nothing to spend it on. Nor can he enjoy his position at the top, surrounded as he is by toadies, flunkies and assorted aunties. This is what happens when a man is forced to follow in his father’s footsteps rather than pursue his career of choice. A chubby-cheeked homunculus like Dongy would have been a natural clown, and it’s obvious from his antics that he wanted to be one.

Speaking of clowns, I recently received an email from
Roly Bain, the Anglican priest who made a name for himself by acting the goat. I met Roly a long time ago after he watched my circus act. On seeing his funny little face, I immediately suggested he go to clown school, and he took my advice to heart. Every year I get a message from Roly asking me to visit him in England:

“Dearest GB,” he wrote, “I am the most successful comedy vicar in the world and I owe it all to you. How about doing a double act with me for the summer season?”

He’s a grateful little tyke as you can see. I should imagine he’d be even more grateful if I gave him a sound thrashing in front of his congregation. But I can’t fly across the globe every time a clown longs to feel my foot on his arse. Roly will have to make use of whatever local talent there is in England. Mick Jagger seems to have the lithe body movements required to perform with a clown. I’m sure he’d agree to take the stage with Roly for a share of the box office and a bottle of anti-wrinkle cream

None of this clowning about will do anything about the political crisis in North Korea, of course. The recent nuclear explosions there are the sign of an internal power struggle. Intelligence sources indicate that the last one went off in an adventure playground, depriving the Dear Leader of his favourite recreation facility. There are obviously sinister forces at work trying to destabilise the regime by turning Dongy into a frustrated little imp. If I were President Obama, I’d send him some toys to play with pretty damn quick before he starts firing his rockets at San Francisco. The mark of a statesman is the ability to nip problems in the bud before they bite you in the arse.

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Perhaps you could send Roly poly over to Dong Juan and help him cheer up a bit? It's obvious that the little Korean is bored and looking for things to do.

So... would you fly over here if I asked you to place your foot on my backside Mr. Bananas? Is it only unruly clowns that you have to turn down or is it also married women too?
Have you noticed how much Dong and Chucky the evil puppet look alike? Not only physically (they’re both small, weirdly dressed, looking like they share the same hairstylist and both of them are married with a son), but they’re similarly evil and ludicrous. And they both have dangerous toys!

You’re right: President Obama should send Dongy some of his own stuffs, just in case he started doing very very stupid things.

About the Roly Bain dude… maybe you should reconsider his offer, Mr Bananas: I’ve heard he can walk on water. It seems there was only another guy in the world who could do that too. Just in case you would make a star reappearance at the circus, it would be a good trick, don’t you think so?
I hear Kim has a big Dong that would make anyone ill with jealousy.
The C of E clown sounds interesting, but I confess I usually find clowns less interesting in the flesh than in theory. Who was it (was it you??) you said that North Korea is run by Cartman? Maybe just send them South Park vidoes and they might ditch King Dong for little Eric. Just a thought.
too true Mr. B.. you've a gift of giving us commentary without being an asshole about it.

Auri: I could never kick you, Auri. But massaging your back with my foot would not be out of the question.

Leni: I would very much enjoy giving Roly a good drubbing, Leni, but there may be work permit issues. I'm certainly not working for free.

Static: But didn't the last one misfire and ditch in the sea? His dongs are overrated.

Gadjo: Cartman is a spoiled brat and evil genius rolled into one. America would be safe if he ran North Korea, but the Chinese would be toast.

Sarah: Thank you, Sarah, I'd hate to be an asshole. Who is the biggest asshole writing about current affairs? Maybe I can learn from his/her mistakes.
Mick Jagger needs a helluva lot more than one bottle of anti-wrinkle cream
Perhaps Susan Boyle might be suitable foil for Roly. She needs the anti-wrinkle cream more than Mick does.
No b--s or t--s GB? New leaf? Just as long as it's a fig leaf:)
Unfortunately, Static beat me to the general direction my comment would have taken. I've been away. So good to come home and read your posts, Mr. GB. You never disappoint!
One might possibly have to be a clown to go to the C of E these days. And Kim looks a little bit like a dark-haired Mary Whitehouse here. Pity they never met.
True, big dongs are over-rated. It's not the size of the ocean but the motion of the ocean..that makes you sick.

And if North Korea is run by South Park characters, they should switch Kenny for Kim Dong. "You killed Kim Dong, you bastards!" Sounds good to would be music to the ears every episode.
Drab and itchy clothes, non-existent nightlife, absolute crap tv; pint-sized despot surrounded by toadies, flunkies and aunties, forced to follow in his father’s footsteps..

Gee. Cow never thought GB would be so cruel to England and poor Prince Charles.

Mr. B, i try not to associate with assholes... therefore i wouldn't know which direction to point you. oh wait, there's Maroon over at Cape to Rio.. kidding, of course.
Nursemyra: Too true! If ever a face needed ironing it is Jagger's.

Lady Daphne: More than Mick? Surely you exaggerate, milady!

Pi: I never seek to titillate with pictures.

Ana: Thank you, Ana, it's lovely to have you back.

Madame Defarge: The mind boggles at the thought of a meeting between Dongy and Mrs Whitehouse. My guess is that he would have made disparaging remarks about her figure and asked her if she had any daughters.

Static: How about Kim Dong with Saddam and Satan in hell? They could use Dongy as a sex aid.

Topiary Cow: Now that's unfair, Ms Cow! The TV in England is rather good!

Sarah: Hah! There's no need to be shy about giving Dr Maroon a piece of your mind. He likes that sort of thing from the ladies.
This Bain seems a bit of an opportunist, in my view. He has adopted this schtik to make his appalling evangelism more palatable to the masses, and he tries too hard. He reminds me of President Jimmy Carter who tried to court popularity by becoming a jogger. After about a hundred yards he was on the ground, gasping like a decked tuna. Bain may have won the International Slapstick Award in 1999, but I can't believe it's a natural gift; it is all in the genes. Rabbi Hyman Krustowsky's son is an excellent example of this.
And, poor Maroon! Is it Open Season on the Doctor? I feel I must stick up for him, as he has for me on several notable occasions.
Apparently Ken Dodd has been told his services will not be required for panto this year as he is no longer funny. Perhaps your friend Roly could step in with his tickling stick, and Dong could double as a diddy man?
I think they shoul parachute Super Nanny in to sort the little devil out Mr B .The firm no nonsense approach of a chubby essex girl is just what he needs he would be on the naughty step for the forceable future and thus bringing stability to the world once again.
This international diplomacy lark is dead easy :-)
Do North Korean clowns have to wear grey as well?

I'm all for that.
I love Team America. It was the first time my daughter and I watched a sex scene together :)

I try not to think about North Korea, it just makes me twitchy.
Perhaps the older sons were also given "foreign-made luxury cars worth nearly £50,000 each".

I'm at work trying not too laugh out loud... Humans have always used animals as their assassins? I love it!
I am a scientologist, Are you?
Mrs Pouncer: I can see you mind is closed to the appreciation of gentile clowns, Mrs Pouncer. Dr Maroon is his own worst enemy.

Kate: Is Ken Dodd's career really over? I believe his teeth were insured at Lloyds of London. Roly and Dongy could never replace those choppers, so they'd need a new gimmick.

Beast: Wasn't Supernanny very good at her job, Beast? There's no need to call her an Essex girl. She'd sort Dongy out all right.

The Jules: They don't have to, but it might be the only colour available.

Joanna: That's nice. I don't remember the scene for some reason. I hope the puppets were gentle with each other.

Sidhu: They would have to be sorely lacking in ambition to be bribed that cheaply.

Ms Salti: I'm proud to say that no gorilla has ever been a hitman. Not even King Kong.

Mutley: I don't know why you're pretending to be religious all of a sudden. I am a gorilla-buddhist.
I don't know Mr. B... clearly these fledglings are practicing their kung fu with sinister deeds in mind...
And that gorilla in the bushes has obviously been trained in the art of espionage. He was just about to attack that poor man! What has this world come to when gorillas are being used for evil deeds!?
my concerns with KJI surround his hair, mostly. his hairline specifically. and maybe the bouffant. and the combination of the two. and what happens when they meet.
A young, dangerous and inexperienced punk at the helm of a very nasty machine, God save the queen!

How about this punks first legitimate "spy mission" be... How to stop torturing the people they are supposed to be representing. How about that 'Mission'?

And clowns creep me out. I'd rather face a psycho in his mother's dress any day. Unless he was dressed as a clown, too. Then I'd rethink it.
Gorilla, Cow is relieved to know of the excellence of British TV, and admits to enjoying the radio BBC America news every night herself, here in the hinterlands.

I'd be all in favour of an illegal regime change to put Ken Dodd in charge of North Korea.
Sorry I meant scientist... like Kim!
That's one of the scariest pictures I've ever seen...
Auri: That wasn't a real gorilla in the second clip! You deserve a good spanking, madam!

Kara: I think he'd look a lot better in an Afro wig.

Ms Donut: I don't know why so many humans are spooked by clowns. I have always treated them like footballs.

Topiary Cow: And you don't even have to pay the licence fee, Ms Cow!

Kevin: Hahaha! Pure genius! He'd tickle his enemies to death instead of using nuclear weapons.

Mutley: Piffle, Mutley. Tell the truth about yourself before asking questions.

Lilu: I assume you're talking about Roly rather than Kimmy. What is it about clowns?
His son looks a lot more friendly than he does.

Don't be deceived by appearances, Rach, he's a chip off the old block.
"But I can’t fly across the globe every time a clown longs to feel my foot on his arse."

This is true, but perhaps you can start building a request list so that you can fly out once a year and thrash many rumps over the course of a little business holiday.
Good idea! Making them line up together and bend over would save even more time!
@ Mr. Bananas - No, no. South Park Dongy would not be good if he were giving people pleasure.

Even if he were Saddam's and Satan's butt plug, that would be too good for him. =)
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