Monday, May 04, 2009

Virgin in a hen coop

A 26-year-old man has got a job at lap-dancing club by claiming to be a virgin.

“I’ve been propositioned more than 20 times but the girls won’t have much luck,” says Dave Dragas, a devout Christian.

Luck? He seems to think that the woman who pops his cherry will have won first prize in a raffle draw. In stating the number of offers he has refused, he is really no better than the playboy who boasts about his conquests. Sex may not make you wiser, but neither does abstaining from it. Perhaps he’ll realise that when he finally gets laid. In the meantime, he might learn a few things from his job of “managing” the lap dancers. I would guess that involves making sure they share their earnings with the club rather than stuffing banknotes up their cha-chas. Christian or not, he’d better prepare himself for a gruelling stint of amateur gynaecology.

He sounds like the kind of goody two-shoes who’ll really get on their figurative tits. It reminds me of the movie Klute, in which Donald Sutherland plays a straight-laced detective who initially rebuffs Jane Fonda’s tartish overtures. Infuriated by his smug incorruptibility, she tricks him into sleeping on the floor beside her bed and ravishes him while he’s half asleep. Once Klute has gone the way of a thousand Johns he is a sadly diminished figure, fawning on the call girl like a lovesick puppy. I suspect that young Dragas will suffer a similar fate when one of the dancers puts him through the meat grinder.

I confess that the appeal of lap dancing puzzled me for a long time. A fully-clothed man sits on a chair while a semi-naked woman presses her bottom against his trousers. The whole thing is monitored on CCTV, and if he dares to fondle her, a burly bouncer storms into the room and chucks him out. To top it all, he has to pay for the experience in hard currency rather than dinner vouchers. By my reckoning, there were at least 57 more enjoyable ways of spending time with a woman.

The mist cleared when I learned that most of the men involved were married. I then realised that such establishments were a refuge for the hen-pecked husband. Rather than answering his wife back, which would generate further friction, he retaliates covertly by partaking in naughty deeds that fall short of adultery. This allows him to return home in triumph, feeling like a warrior who has looted and pillaged the enemy camp. The poor deluded wife must think her husband is smiling because he’s glad to see her.

Could there be lap-dancing clubs for frustrated wives? The problem is that very few women could comfortably bear the weight of a beefcake stud on her lap. Yet the desperate housewife surely has other ways of dealing with her marital angst. A visit to the hairdresser seems to fulfill this important social function, giving her plenty of time to tell a captive audience what an incomparable doofus her husband is. Add a few flirty remarks from the salon’s official gigolo, and her zest is renewed for another bout of domestic strife.

The modern human marriage would surely be doomed without these essential safety valves.

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I'm sure I could manage a stud in my lap...
Duh, he got propositioned because he's a man in a club where women get paid to proposition. Nothing to be arrogant about. I hate him already.

I think you've found a gap in the market for an invention, a humping hammock, which can support the weight of said beefcake while he grinds away on said pissed-off housewife.
We can make them sparkly and everything.
Well said. Except if I were frustrated at home, it wouldn't be a trip to the hairdresser to me.

It'd be a day of chocolate, cookies, a vibrator, TV shows played on a large projector and possibly a day of RETAIL therapy. Not getting my hurr did.
er, and for the record, I am not unhappy at home :)
Devout Christian in a lap-dancing club and openly admitting it? My furry arse.

I have to say though gb, we need to compare lists some time - I came up with 49 ways (but then anything involving money, shopping or staring at clothes was verboten) and I'm intrigued where the other 8 come from! And there's me thinking I was an expert at hiding nuts....
another gem courtesy of the Japing Ape. i dig it Mr. B, a lot.
Thank you, Sir Ape, for your insights and trivia. If I had a lap--if my belly were much smaller--I might research lap dancing for a future blog post.
Klute looks incredibly dated as a film, but I suppose that's to be expected. Lap dancing must be a lot safer and more "self-empowering" than prostitution as a way for a woman to make a living.
Scarlet: I'm sure you could, Miss Scarlet, but it might leave red marks on your thighs.

Rachel: Interesting idea, Rach. It makes me wonder exactly how much weight a woman wants to feel on her body when she's being serviced by a stud.

FB: Hello Ms Broke, I am delighted to hear your domestic situation is happy. Retail therapy is another possible method of revenge.

Red Squirrel: My list includes board games and ping pong.

Sarah: Thank you, Sarah, I dig you a lot.

Saintly Nick: Thank you, Saintly Nick. Young Mr Dragas would surely benefit from your guidance.

Gadjo: Yes, the women seem to be in control and I assume they make a good living at it. I'm not sure how long the fad will last though.
The good lord will reward his abstinence with a higher risk of prostate cancer.

All hail!
57 ways? I only know 49. Please may I have a tutorial?
I completely agree with you, Gorilla.
Scarlet wants studs in her lap - we seem to be moving back to red bottoms again!
Gorilla Bananas -- I've spent the better part of the last hour reading this great blog of yours. You have wasted entirely too much of my time! I'm glad you got out of that circus -- your talents were undoubtedly wasted.

In the harem, we use provocative dancing quite regularly, as you can imagine. But there is no need to "fall short." In fact, quite the opposite.

PS -- Don't gorillas also keep harems? What is yours like?
Emerson has a hangover...
Hmmm... I think you're right Lulu and Mr Bananas is very fond of spanked bottoms.
The Jules: Perhaps not if he plays with himself regularly.

Nursemyra: I was including board games and ping pong, Nursie. I could teach you how to put a vicious spin on the ball.

Emerson: I'm glad you don't believe in arguing just for the sake of it. Perhaps you're beginning to think like a gorilla.

Ava: Hello and welcome, Ava. I'm very glad to have made a good impression on you. My harem is a very informal one. The females do whatever they want and sit on me when they're feeling tetchy.

Lulu: There is no end to her naughtiness!

Scarlet: Some bottoms need it very badly, Miss Scarlet, as you know all too well.
I'm not sure how he proves that he's virgo intacta. Quite why we're meant to gaze on him with unalloyed lust is beyond me. I have to shave more than he does.

Lap dancing seems a pointless exercise. If a gentleman wants me to shoogle my bahookie in his face of a man, then he only has to ask. As long as he's shaved his chin first.
I quite like the sandpaper feel of a shaved chin.
how dare he refuse Barbarella?! i hope his wang got lasered off by that guy who has the wings.

am i mixing up movies?
Gorilla once again brightens Cow's day with a shot of Warren Beatty.

As for the Christian guy, if he's so devout, what's he doing working in a palace of sin?

It's the old eunuch in a harem ploy isn't it GB? Little did the sultans know they were perfectly capable of keeping the girls happy.
But there should be lap-dancing clubs for frustrated housewives, I'm pretty sure they would top all other ways of dealing with marital angst. If I was a desperate housewife I would prefer that, but what do I know.
My partner never comes home smiling. I can therefore assume he is being faithful. Or that he is abjectly miserable to be back in my company for another round of 'I'm more tired than you are'.
I am more tired, though. The faithful bastard.
Madame Defarge: Your bahookie was surely built for shoogling, Madame Defarge. It would be a privilege to see it in action.

Scarlet: On what part of your body, Miss Scarlet?

Kara: Was Donald Sutherland in Flash Gordon?

Topiary cow: That's what many people are asking, Ms Cow. Maybe he sees himself as the girls' protector.

Kate: Let's see how long he lasts out!

Polly: Your lap must be quite sturdy, Polly! I hear cycling really firms up the thighs!

Woman in Black: You could always dance on his lap to brighten up his mood. Have you got the gear for it?
I think I could seek work as a lap dancer - perhaps one for the 'super sized ' lady- what do you think my hairy guru?
Oh Dearest Gorilla Bananas!
How I have missed you!
First, how cool a movie is Klute? It has me thinking about getting a shag. Hairdo that is.
I think this poor man is in for a terrible 4 seconds when he does decide to make the big jump to manhood. Even worse one hell of a sleepless night wondering why he wasted all that time not doing it. Did you see what I did there? Did you catch that pun?
Clever or what!
Darling, why did I ever go away?
Don't women watch acts like Chippendales? I've yet to meet anyone who does but legend has it so.
You're right - no woman wants to support the weight of a 200lb stud sitting on her lap. I see the new clubs for frustrated wives as Lap Dances clubs with a twist. You pay per lap or rather per hundred laps. The lady removes her underwear and gyrates in the stud's face and he laps at her vagina a hundred times or until such time as the transaction is complete. Off to patent this idea ...
I'm with Bev about Klute. OK, at the start Donald S is a twit (the wristwatch scene) but at the end It's the old hero-rescues-girl-from-monster thing, where the girl is rather glad to repay the hero in, er, kind.
Mutley: It sounds like a good niche market, but don't expect to get paid. Think of it as community service.

Beverley: I don't know why you left, Beverly, but I'm very glad you're back. I saw several puns, but I didn't catch them all.

Pi: They were indeed popular, but not on anyone's lap as far as I know.

Emma: I believe there are men who would let women face-sit them for free. It seems to be an acquired taste.

Inkspot: But she pays him long before he saves her. She keeps on giving him down-payments which he is too weak to refuse. Columbo certainly never behaved like that.
Thanks GB. Another great post. Your blog never fails to make me laugh!

Mr. Dragas looks like a very well adjusted nice young man.

Based on the look of the women he's working with I wonder if he should change his last name to Dragact though.

Might be nice if he and the talent had more in common.
You know why you don't get many women suicide bombers ... 'cos 72 virgins isn't that much of an inventive.
Sounds hardly fair to me, since the vast majority of both hairdressers AND strippers is a) female, b) gay or c) a creep. And men visit hairdressers just as often as their girlfriends(if not more!)
Yes I know there are guys who love women to sit on their face but it is like you say if you pay for it you are not technically 'cheating' lol
Lap dancing ought to be a delicate exercise. Any vigorousness on the part of the performer is likely to cause 'headaches' for Mr. Peter Schlong.
Ram: I'm trying not to imagine him wearing a wig. Imitation would not be the sincerest form of flattery in this case.

Lady Daphne: Yes, a woman would get very sweaty with 72 virgins trying to clamber on top of her.

Deborah: But men don't complain to their barbers about their wives. Have you had bad experiences with creepy hairdressers, Deb?

Emma: You've got a good memory, Emma! I think that's what Japanese men believe.

Roflindian: Not all men would agree, but I'm sure the girls can cater for all needs.
Oh yes, I have! In fact, I think I ought to dedicate a post on my own blog on that! with pictures and all!
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