Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A vet seeks sanctuary

Have you ever helped a fugitive from justice? Smacker Ramrod’s old chum from veterinary school, Barry Bullman, flew in from New York last week. As well as having a lucrative private practice in the Big Apple, a local radio station had hired him to present a show called “Your pets and their sex lives”. It was this foray into the field of broadcasting that led to his downfall.

Before you get the wrong idea, there was nothing remotely amiss in the advice he gave over the airwaves. Middle-aged ladies would phone in to ask whether they should worry about little Poochy trying to hump the coffee table, and Barry would reassure them that it was perfectly normal for small dogs to hump coffee tables. The pet-owning burghers of New York City loved his British accent, and he quickly attracted a sizeable audience who sent him plenty of fan mail. Then he received the following letter from a female admirer:

Dear Dr Bullman

I love your radio show even though we don’t presently share our home with an animal. I know you’re a vet but could you advise me about my own sex life? I have never had an orgasm in five years of marriage. My husband has tried everything but nothing seems to work. You sound very knowledgeable so is there anything you could suggest? I have enclosed a photograph of us on our wedding day.

Yours sincerely

Mrs Irma V Schwartz

Now strictly speaking this query was beyond Barry’s competence, but like most vets he was not shy of tackling any problem with an anatomical aspect. Furthermore, he had recently acquired a Puerto Rican girlfriend whom he was able to consult on the matter, and she had made a very practical suggestion, or so it seemed to him. Thus he mailed the following reply to the frustrated Irma S:

Dear Mrs Schwartz

Frankly I’m not surprised you can’t have an orgasm with your husband. Whatever possessed you to marry that bow-legged chipmunk? I enclose the business card of my girlfriend’s younger brother, Umberto, who is a male escort. He normally works with women quite a bit older than yourself, so he’ll probably give you a 20% discount. (If you’ve lost a couple of stone since your wedding day he might go as high as 50%). Discretion is assured and I can vouch for his good character.

Kind Regards

Barry Bullman

This well-intentioned advice resulted in a letter from a legal firm representing Schwartz and Schwartz, threatening to sue Barry for inflicting emotional distress by means of a malicious communication. As if that wasn’t enough, the police arrested him for soliciting acts of prostitution. He fled the country when he was bailed and is now seeking to shelter within the protective embrace of my hairy tribe.

My inclination is to offer him refuge. We gorillas have a “sticks and stones” philosophy to personal insults and rarely make a legal issue of them. Rather than press for damages we would turn the other cheek, albeit that the cheek in question might be located on the rump. As for the soliciting charge, forwarding a gigolo’s business card is precisely the kind of activity that oils the wheels of commerce in an economic downturn. He must have been charged under some ancient Puritan law that the State of New York forgot to repeal.

I don’t want to leave you with the impression that I would offer sanctuary to any miscreant who darkened our door. Bottom pinchers, exhibitionists and peeping toms are certainly not welcome in our neck of the jungle. If you have any sins of that nature on your conscience, you should throw yourself on the mercy of your local religious pastor, and accept his penance through gritted teeth. Checking thy body may amend thy soul.

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Oh Mr Bananas... tut, tut, tut, I assume spanking pink rumps isn't a crime?
Be careful about letting vets into your tribe Mr Bananas, especially ones who try to apply pschychology to the sex lives of other species. He might suggest your females have silverback envy.
I know he's in a bit of trouble, but is Mr. Bullman free to give out Umberto's number? I have, like, a day and a half... so if you could make it quick, I'd appreciate it. I'll sign the necessary legal documents.
he should claim amnesty! i call shenanigans on that lawsuit. she opened herself up to his advice, even if it was skeezy. this all offends my sense of justice. i have one, you know.
Vets really are the commando division of the medical profession, aren't they. One described to me how he was asked to perform an operation on somebody's hamster, for heavens sake; could you resist the temptation to simply replace it with another hamster and take the money?
You may have taken on a handful there, GB. Vets are notorious rugby-playing, aftershave-drinking, vindaloo-eating Tartars. And that's just the small-animal ladies section. Vet-proof your nest at the very least.
Scarlet: No, Miss Scarlet! It is a just punishment for naughty behaviour. Be warned!

The Jules: I doubt my females would listen to him, but thanks for the warning. I'll keep a close eye on the fellow.

Ava: I have a feeling Umberto wouldn't charge you for his services, Ava. But you'd have to escape the harem first, he's not the type to carry out daring raids.

Kara: I am touched to have finally tweaked your moral gizzard with one of my posts. The next step is to get you to picket places.

Gadjo: Vets will go anywhere, including up a horse's bottom, but they'll never switch hamsters. That would be a breach of professional ethics. It might also be difficult to find one with the same personality.

Gaw: If he's a rugby player, he can practise his scrummaging with my females. He's about the right size to play hooker.
Goodness! I have always felt strongly about providing refuge to those in need. Although I not longer pastor a church, Alex and I have a spared bedroom (recently the refuge of a small bunny) that is available to anyone you may know of in need of refuge in my part of the world.
the problem is most americans love to sue anyone for anything...(i can say this as an american and seeing first hand) if they are not happy then someone else should be miserable and pay for their could be handy have a vet at your to speak...
All exhibitionists...? *slinks away*
Good grief, the girl getting a spanking is nothing more than a child, is she not?
Such sound and reasoned professional advice should not have been punished with a lawsuit.

Cow glad Gorilla may be offering sanctuary.

Knew a guy once. He fucked a cat while under the influence of some drug. Great pun opportunity in this comment :P


oh come on Bananas.. no butt pinchers?
Saintly Nick: I can't imagine what sins the bunny had on its conscience, but I'm sure it repented in your holy abode.

Daisy: Yes, I've noticed how litigious your countrymen are, Daisy. Vets make good dentists in my experience.

Mrs Cake: Well perhaps we'll make an exception in your case, Mrs Cake.

Emerson: Of course she's not! Those aren't the thighs of a child. Must be 25 at least.

Topiary: I like to help those unjustly accused, Ms Cow.

Nothingman: That's too shocking for a pun. May the cat have vengeance on him.

Sarah: If you do it openly (and preferably ask first) we can tolerate it.
I'm glad you decided to offer him refuge, I'm totally for honesty in speech and I would gladly take into consideration the escort offer I were Mrs Schwartz.

And I agree with Sarah - no butt pinchers?
Does the gigolo have a website? I have no problems with orgasms but would like a good ogle if he is well hung.
GB - I would welcome the protective embrace of your hairy tribe. I may have to seek shelter therein myself, should M. DeFarge find himself a Turkish charmer.
I am afraid I am a bit of a pervert myself... yet you always say I would find my place in the jungle...
I've been known to pinch a few bottoms in my time.
Polly: I hope you will never be in the same situation as Mrs Schwartz, Polly. And yes, you may pinch my butt if you want to.

Emma: There are orgasms and there are orgasms, Emma. He's known as "The Torturer".

Madame Defarge: You would always be welcome, Madame Defarge. There is a hammock in the Congo with your name on it.

Mutley: Perhaps you should try cold showers or flagellation before arriving on our doorstep.

Nursemyra: Lucky bottoms, Nursie!
GB, do boys like to be spanked?
Aww, I'm glad you're not assisting the bum pinchers.

And those pesky exhibitionists, haven't they ever heard of low self-esteem!? They're not human. Lowest of the low.

I may have stolen fifty Singapore cents from the till at work that was in the 10p section. If I get found out, can I come live with you too, or is that on a par with watching people undress with binoculars?
Is he running a special offer this week? Six orgasms for the price of five? tell him to call my people and they'll set up a torture session for moi.
One should never underestimate what can be learned from the sex life of small pets. I grew up in a household where there were at least 30 Cavalier King Charles Spaniels running around, and not a lot was left to the young imagination after all their intertwining, and blissful paw poking.
I fail to see the issue. Seems to me the man offered prudent advice to an obviously needy and unstable woman.

The only "crime" is not charging for his services.

Gigolos are always more discreet than prostitutes aren't they? They hang around hotel pools, dance floors, bars of five star hotels or advertise in upmarket magazines. Which proves that women will not debase themselves in their search for sexual satisfaction. I would also like Umberto's phone number.

I am taking up Saintly Nick's offer. There will be a Scotsman arriving on your doorstep in the next few days.
He could have just advised her to try and hump the coffee table...
Can't imagine many female gorillas submit as easily as the pink cheeked girlie GB?
Catholic priests are perverts, and anyone asking a vet for sex advice must be freakin' -'tarded..or they are an animal (and I don't mean in bed either).
I want to work for the local radio station in question. The best we get here is Farming Today, which -despite its post-watershed slot - contains precious little red-hot action.
I was an agony aunt on a newspaper once. It shredded my soul and made me the bitter, twisted (but strangely attractive) woman I am today.
Ms Smack: I don't know, Ms Smack. I suppose it depends on who's doing the smacking.

Rachel: I'm not sure what the exchange rate is, Rach, but it's not something that I would blackball you for.

Emma: I think you should drive a harder bargain than that, Emma. Half of them should be free as long as you don't make too much noise.

Biscotto: That's an awful lot of dogs for one household, Miss Biscotto. Did you never consider building a giant kennel for them?

Ram: Yes, he was generous to a fault. I wonder if it's too late to bill the woman?

Lady Daphne: Yes, I've heard that many gigolos have a rigid code of ethics. Some will only accept gifts rather than cash. Not Umberto though, milady, you'll have to get your gold card out for him.

Borah: Really, Deborah! Can a woman do such a thing without getting splinters?

Kate: They'd be the ones giving the spanking, Kate!

Static: You have defamed both Catholic priests and vets in a single sentence! I disassociate myself from your comment!

Woman in Black: I hope no one sued you for the advice you gave them. It must be difficult not to make flippant suggestions when you're an agony aunt.
May I post an order for Chinese food?
Hmmmmm....i must ask...what's wrong with exhibitionists???
They attract buzzing insects, Saby. However, you may exhibit yourself beneath my mosquito net.
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