Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Safari holidays

The manager of the safari camp is fuming about a comment made by Miss Lily Allen, the petite cockney singer. He cites a newspaper article in which the cheeky chanteuse is quoted as saying that she feels guilty about going on safari. In taking pictures of the animals, she believes she subjected them to the same unwanted attention she receives from the paparazzi.

“Why didn’t the stupid little tart stay in Romford!” he rages. “We don’t need pious airheads bad-mouthing our industry to the press! If she’s against exploitation she should stop singing, which is exploiting people’s bad taste in music!”

I feel compelled to speak in her defence.

"She probably didn’t understand that there was no obligation to take pictures," I say. "Don't forget she comes from a society where people do everything they are allowed plus another ten per cent. Self-restraint and decorum are virtues quite unknown to her.”

The manager stomps off, muttering and harrumphing.

Would it be correct to call Miss Allen an “Essex girl”? I believe she wasn’t born in Essex, but the term seems to be more cultural than geographical. She recently recorded a song that is a kind of Essex girl anthem, describing with great acuity the aspirations of these young ladies. However the lyrics may have been sardonic, intending to highlight the deficiencies in their way of thinking. Perhaps Miss Allen might more accurately be described as a “post-Essex girl”.

These Essex girls are the butt of too much derision in any case. Their fondness for the trinkets and baubles of a consumerist society is quite understandable given their upbringing. Theirs is a community in which it is normal for maidens to surrender their virginity with wanton haste, often to the first sweaty-pawed ruffian who manages to fumble with their underwear. If something precious is given away so cheaply, the donor spends the rest of her life trying to make amends by being overly acquisitive. “Bling” is merely a replacement for a prematurely-popped cherry.

Perhaps they might avoid this lamentable fate by following the example of Miss Alina Percea, an 18-year-old Romanian damsel who
auctioned her virginity on the internet. The highest bid was made by an Italian businessman aged 45, who according to Alina was “very charming”. One presumes he deflowered her with exquisite tenderness and finesse. Or perhaps not. Yet whatever the manner of initiation, Miss Percea emerged from the experience with undiminished self-respect, proud of the fact that her maidenhead was worth a sum equivalent to 8,782 pounds sterling.

“It was not like prostitution because it was a one-off,” she explained.

Indeed. One banana does not make a bunch, as we say in the jungle.

This gives me an idea. The market value of her purity would have paid for a deluxe safari holiday (including bridal suite with Jacuzzi and douche). Suppose we were to offer a “Lose you virginity in Africa” holiday to the comely maidens of the world, in tandem with a “Deflower a virgin in Africa” holiday to rich businessmen? Of course we would have to vet the men carefully to ensure they could make a good job of it. The last thing we need is disappointed ex-virgins demanding refunds. Businessmen who think they’ve got what it takes should send me an email. No boasters or hoaxers.

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"Theirs is a community in which it is normal for maidens to surrender their virginity with wanton haste, often to the first sweaty-pawed ruffian who manages to fumble with their underwear."

Hey now, fumbling with underwear with sweaty paws is a sign of a good man and gentleman around here in Essex, usually they just screw you through them.
I tell you what, Bananas - I came across an Essex Girl once. It was many years ago in Magaluf. She showed me her tatoo, it was some latin phrase. She told me it meant, 'elegance.'
I think losing one's virginity while on safari would be a linguistic feast. "Is that an ibex in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" and other such phrases would abound with all of the horned and tusked creatures about.
Miss Alina Percea requires access to a dictionary perhaps.

She should see .
Tsk. I will be putting in for several refunds.
Can I just say that I spent a weekend at the Compleat Angler, Marlow, with Miss Allen's father in 1989? Self restraint and decorum are all the rage in the Thames Valley; now and forever.
"If she’s against exploitation she should stop singing, which is exploiting people’s bad taste in music!”

You got that right, Safari Camp Manager Guy!

$8,782.00 pounds sterling. Jay-sus.
is being an essex girl akin to being a valley girl in the u.s.?

either way, i'd love to go on a safari tour. and those elephants better fucking pose or they'll be lunch.
Rachel: Dear God, Rachel, what brutes! One day I shall rescue you from that place.

Emerson: She sounds like a cultured woman. Are you sure she was from Essex?

Ana: Most humans have lost the knack of mating in the presence of big, horny animals. It's one of those hunter-gatherer skills that civilisation has destroyed.

Sidhu: There may be a different definition in Romania, a lot of funny stuff goes on there.

Scarlet: Oh dear, Miss Scarlet. Perhaps you should have given a few instructions?

Mrs Pouncer: You certainly may, Mrs Pouncer. Thank you for your informative comment! I hope her father has recovered from the shame of behaving like an idiot on a TV chat show.

Trish: Are you surprised that a man would pay that much, Trish? The more virgins that hear about this the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Kara: We'd love to have you, Missy, and I'd make the elephants give you a ride. They're that scared of me.
I do think a girl should get some sort of treat when she loses her virginity. Since it is highly unlikely that she will be getting any other "bang" out of the experience. That usually comes later. Or or before. But not during. A trip would be nice. Or a gift card. Maybe even just a big slice of cheesecake.
Selling such a moment of intense intimacy - not very Romantic is it? (I pondered half the afternoon away wondering whether to do that one.)

The clever thing is, Mr Bananas, that merely by planning such a scheme you qualify as a 'business man,' er, gorilla. I worry when you, of all people, er, gorillas, use the phrase 'vet the men carefully.' I'm imagining latex gloves rather than a credit check.
I'm wondering if Emerson Marks really did "come" across an Essex girl all those years ago.....
Indeed I think I was accurate in my original description. As I said, she was from Essex.
Strange, the high value placed on virginity.

You'd think she'd have made more money had she been very sexually experienced?
*sigh* I wish i had been born in Essex...i wonder how much i'd get if i auctioned off my virginity....
Beverly: It's like a child losing its first milk tooth. The hymen fairy should put something under her pillow.

Blockguard: I'd only need to ask questions while making eye contact. Few humans can lie under the gaze of a gorilla.

Nursemyra: I bet he tried, Nursie, but she probably wouldn't let him.

Emerson: You must be very good at chatting up birds to have got that kind of info from her. Did you find out her bra size as well?

The Jules: I suppose the pleasure comes from seeing how someone reacts to something new. If a girl had never tasted ice-cream, wouldn't you like to watch her eat her first one?

Sabrina: You would have made a small fortune, Saby! Maybe it's not too late, you can always pretend with your sweet baby face!
I think that Miss Allen probably has spoken under the direction of her manager as to appear cultured and sympathetic toward the plight of all creatures great and small. Really... if one were adverse to being photographed, why get into entertainment? It's all part of the act, no?!
And, damn! Why didn't I think of auctioning off my virginity? I don't think I even got a free dinner out of the deal! Damn, damn, damn!
Your venture sounds like a win-win situation GB. Re Miss Allen, if an elephant's pottymouthed drunken antics stunned St Elton into silence at an awards ceremony, or a rhino penned a song whining about inadequate bedroom action they might be as interesting to the paps as her.
how was it NOT prostitution? i mean. i've no problem with the oldest profession, but let us not "split hairs" for the definition. sex for sale is what it is. it doesn't matter how many times the whore sells it.
The Lily Allen vid was great GB, thanks. Tho' it was a bit confusing, with her sashaying down the drive in front of an all-male Pythonesque ballet. Is life always like that at the safari camp?
It is an awful lot of money. But, hey, virgins who auction themselves are a rare breed.

I'm more surprised anyone would auction off their virginity. It's tres creepy.
Auri: Maybe you should get in touch with the guy who deflowered you and ask him for a gratuity. He might agree if he's a man of honour. He must be on Facebook.

Kate: Well, well, I never knew she'd done such things! Like father, like daughter, I suppose. Thank you for enlightening me, Kate.

Sarah: I'm happy for her to define this unusual transaction in her own way, Sarah. Is there an award for businesswoman of the year?

Inkspot: She wasn't at our one, thankfully. If she'd behaved like that over here the chimpanzees might have raped her.

Tish: It's not the most romantic thing, Trish, but it might be an improvement on how a lot of girls lose it. The man was required to produce a medical certificate showing he was free of infection. And he was also of an age to savour his prize!
I can't get over the image of Mrs P with Keef. So many questions. BTW I don't think Lily is an Essex girl. I've never seen her in white stilettos.
I am sure with a bit of cling film and a roll of gaffer tape we could turn this deflowering business into a very profitable venture :-)
Pre-Ruf, I was an Essex born-again virgin... Should I have charged him?
Firstly, I lost my virginity on a bright July day in Bushy Park, London surrounded by deer. Can I count that as the English version of a safari?

What about women who have the fanny operation to make them FEEL like new born virgins? Perhaps theres a market profit for be made there? Although a 63 year old granny being de-flowered again does send a shiver down my spine for all the wrong reasons.

And now queue jokes about easy Essex girls...some of my favourites are:

Q: What's an Essex Girls form of protection?
A: Bus Shelters

Q: What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Bag of Crisps?
A: You only get one bang out of a bag of crisps

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you've dumped your load in it.

Q: What does an Essex girl say after sex?
A: "Do you really all play for the same football team?"

Q: How does an Essex girl get light?
A: Open a car door.

Q: How does an Essex girl turn the light off after sex?
A: She closes the car door

As you can tell, my opinion of Essex Girls is very high
One of my colleagues is a distinguished theologian who specializes in questions of what is the right thing to do in given circumstances. He is - wait for it - our ethics boy.
I think that young Alina may be on to something with the "one off" excuse. I think that we should be allowed the same leeway on other common errors in judgement.

Murdered my wife? Nonsense, it wasn't murder, it was a "one off." Defrauded a senior of her life savings? Hardly! It was a "one off"..just a lark.

It's always good to give people a second chance.

Great post, GB. But I've come to expect as much by now.
My, my. The manly vigor of Gorilla's astute post is almost matched by the imaginative antics of the blog posters!

Cow sees quite a future in the "middle-gorilla" business.

Why, isn't that how bankers made their millions? By only charging a small commission to both the deflower-ee and the deflower-er, Gorilla, the Congo, and the Safari Master will soon be rich.

Pi: I think she might be a girl in a class of her own.

Beast: I'm trying to imagine what you'd do with those accessories, Beast. Without much success.

Mrs Cake: Given all the things you've done since, I think you should both charge each other!

Mia: Hello Mia! How clever of you to use the deer as cover, you might have got arrested otherwise. The fanny operation is like painting stripes on the back of a horse to make a zebra. You can't be a virgin if you know what it feels like.

Inkspot: Perhaps you should ask him whether he'd go on a safari holiday.

Ram: Well those are technically "first offences" rather than "one offs". First offences can be punished harshly, as you well know!

Topiary Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow, but unlike the bankers I wouldn't be doing it for personal enrichment. We like to invest in the community in our part of the Congo.
Right, one banana doesn't make a bunch. But skilfully used, it can work wonders. I hope she gets the best education.
Cow very glad to know of Gorilla's altruism and community spirit.

Cow pretty sure the Congo, and all Gorillas need all the help they can get just to resist the predations of mankind.

Ha! One banana doth not a bunch maketh, as Shakespeare also said. This 18-year-old Romanian damsel is showing remarkable enterprise. And there was me trying to encourage tourists to come here on account of the scenery...
How would you vet those businessmen? Who would evaluate their potential? That's what I want to know.
Dad Keith is officially a Welsh, but the Cymru Rouge will review his national and mortal status Come The Glorious Day.

We have bequeathed his daughter to our English neighbours in thanks for all those white-flight Brummies. Hey, you're welcome.
Leni: Yes indeed. And part of her sexual education has been provided gratis.

Topiary Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow. I find bribery is the best approach with predatory humans.

Gadjo: I have persuaded a 17-year-old Romanian girl to comment on your blog. She says she left a comment there, but not on your latest post.

Mary: There are doctors who are skilled in these matters, Mary. I would just conduct the preliminary interview.

Mr Boyo: Amazing how a man's environment can eradicate all traces of his Welshness. He is grim warning for your countrymen.
That IS a cute pic of her though.
"Don't forget she comes from a society where people do everything they are allowed plus another ten per cent"

I think ten percent is a conservative estimate.
hmmm...interesting...lols... i wonder how much I'd get auctioned off for. lols
Hello Miss, I shall call you 'Mel' if you don't mind. You are aware that the Romanian girl got a good price because she was able to prove her purity?
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