Friday, May 08, 2009

Indian shoe protest

An epidemic of shoe-throwing has broken out in India. It seems that a politician need only open his mouth in public to get a shower of sandals raining down on his head. The authorities are trying to stop it by forcing the masses to go barefoot to political rallies, but it’s likely to be a futile precaution. Deprive people of their shoes and they’ll find other things to throw. The mayor of Estepona thought he’d be safe on a nudist beach, but the bathers pelted him with marbles they’d hidden inside their body cavities.

My jungle experience tells me that when a craze like this develops you’ve got to ride with the punches and wait for the mob to tire of their antics. When the baboons started throwing onions at us, we ducked for cover and made onion soup rather than trying to confiscate their onions. My advice to India’s politicians is to wear crash helmets when giving speeches and instruct their flunkies to harvest the shoes for sale on the black market. Make the smelly-toed rabble repurchase their footwear at inflated prices.

Public disorder can be provoked by the most unlikely incidents in that part of the world. Ranjit Ram, the Indian knife-thrower, once told me about a riot that broke out during a cricket match in his country. It started when an Australian fast bowler kissed an umpire on the cheek during a drinks interval, which infuriated the crowd for some reason. Perhaps they thought it was an attempt at bribery, although I’d be surprised if even an umpire would sell his loyalty that cheaply. It took a squadron of police to restore order by swishing their lathis with gay abandon. The application of the cane to the buttocks is one of the enduring legacies of the British Raj.

Perhaps the crowd would have been less agitated if they’d known that Australian men will smooch anything when they're in the right mood. A farmer from Down Under has recently announced his intention to kiss his pigs on a regular basis, claiming it would prove they were not infected with swine flu. Who is he trying to fool? If a man fancies his pigs, he ought to come clean about it rather than concocting flimsy excuses to snog them. I’m sure the pigs would prefer to be wooed by an honest suitor rather than a sly hog fiend who molests them on a bogus medical pretext.

Yet it would be wrong to denigrate Australian men, whose ranks include august statesmen such as John Howard (“The Sheriff”) and Paul Keating (“The Larrikin”). I sympathise greatly with humans who have the thankless task of governing in a democracy. To get elected they have to flatter the voters, telling them they’re good citizens entitled to nothing but the best, when in reality most of them are impudent rascals who deserve a good whipping. Then, when they’re trying to do their jobs, they get pestered by swarms of angry yahoos who bombard them with projectiles. What these ungrateful ruffians really need is a merciless despot to teach them some manners. Humans never appreciate how lucky they are unless they are periodically reminded of how bad things can get.

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In the photo at the bottom, is the Australian man the one on the left or the right?
Erm.. I think the piglet looks cute. This is wrong isn't it...?
Yes, hurling inanimate objects is a rather futile expression of frustration and protest. When we need to settle a dispute in the harem, we rely soley on the tried and true tickle fight. In the case of a tie breaker, we defer to the pillow fight. You can imagine this takes a very long time.
P.S there's no way I'd throw my shoes at anyone, they're far too expensive.
that piggy looks like it has either slop or vomit on it's face. but i don't think pigs vomit.. even when they have the "flu".

i don't think i'd throw my shoes either. not because they're expensive, but because i hate shoe shopping. it would be a needless and pointless exercise. something with more oomph would be fæces.
"Humans never appreciate how lucky they are unless they are periodically reminded of how bad things can get" Wise words. If humans think they've got it bad with this swine fever they should try being a pig: not only would they have to eat and live in shit but they'd then get snogged by an Australalian (who'd then shoot off down the bar to boast to his mates that he "went all the way").
'...the bathers pelted him with marbles they’d hidden inside their body cavities.'

I'm having nightmares about this and I haven't even gone to sleep yet. I wonder whether they were 'dobbers'?

That image of the lusty, swill-chopped piglet will stay with me a while too.
Red Squirrel: I'm not 100% certain either of them are Australian. These pig-human romances happen all over the world.

Scarlet: This little piggy went to market, Miss Scarlet! When was the last time someone played that game with you?

Ava: That's much more civilised. I am tempted to apply for the position of official tickle-torturer in your harem.

Sarah: Have you ever thrown your knickers at anyone, Sarah?

Gadjo: Yes, pigs have suffered enough without becoming
the sex slaves of macho Australians. I think we need another nude protest from the women of PETA.

Gaw: If I knew what a dobber was I might be able to help. They were certainly guilty of bringing concealed weapons to a place of leisure.
I totally agree with Scarlett on this one, I would never throw MY shoes at anyone, they are far too precious. Good old tomatoes would have to do. On the other hand I rather like this way of expressing discontent, it's very to the point. You wrong - whoop - next!
I've never heard of Paul Keating being referred to as a larrikin before. That's more Bob Hawke's style, Paul spent a lot of time posing in Armani suits and referring to Indonesian royalty as recalcitrant
Shoe-throwing could be very lucrative for the throwee. All you have to do is catch the shoe and taunt the thrower with: "Can't you do better than that? You throw like a girl". Then wait for the next shoe to come so that you get a pair. If they fit, happy days - you got a new pair of shoes for nothing. If they don't you can start collecting them and make some cash on the side (tax free) by flogging second-hand pairs down the market.
Why don't politicians use every opportunity? It's not every day that someone throws clothes at you...
Ugh, I would prefer swine flu to whatever is on that piggy's mouth! At least swine flu goes away with a few strepsils and a lie-down.

"We ducked for cover and made onion soup rather than trying to confiscate their onions. My advice to India’s politicians is to wear crash helmets when giving speeches and instruct their flunkies to harvest the shoes for sale on the black market."

Whew, for a second there I thought shoe soup was going to be involved. The glass is always half full with you, isn't it Mr B? Always making lemonade from lemons. Or onion soup from onions.
It's not the marbles you want to worry about on nudist beaches, it's the high-velocity ping-pong balls.
'Dobbers' are large, champion marbles. Hence my curiosity: could prove a more dangerous weapon but with some obvious downsides.
Polly: If you threw tomatoes at me, Polly, I'd catch them in a pan and fry them with onions, garlic, olive oil, basil and red wine. Then I'd make you eat the sauce while I watched.

Nursemyra: Yeah, but he knew how to insult people, didn't he?

Mermaid: I'll remember to throw a pair of kinky boots at you the next time we meet, Mermaid.

Rachel: You can make soup out of most things, Rach. Have you ever tried fruit gum soup?

The Jules: Not if you're holding a bat. We gorillas would hit it back where it came from with top-spin.

Gaw: I've never seen a marble too big to hide inside a human body cavity.
GB: in a crowd? no. in the privacy of my own home? yes. and yes, they were the ones i had been wearing.
GB - I suspect that even now on some piggy blog, there is outrage at the monstrous brutality inflicted upon this little piggy. Such a hairy beast forcing a tongue down his throat. The least they could have done would have been to shove an apple there first.
Mr Bananas , having just finished my shift at Cafe C which was hosting that most ghastly of things , a 'Singles Night' , and witnessing 'Desperate of Dorchester' close up , the pigs look more attractive than you can imagine.

Good Bloog my friend!! Congratulations!!

good luck!! See you!
I'm going to just come out and say it: before I'd looked at that picture I never realised how attractive pigs are. Lovely little eyes. I can't believe I eat them.
If I were Miss Piggy and that man would be harassing me like that, I would throw whatever was near one of my four feet at him - whether it would be marbles extracted from his own body cavities or my precious Manolo Blahniks.
There are some disturbing qualities to that picture beyond the obvious “necking with a pig” issue.

If I’m not mistaken the human is wearing a lei around his neck. My understanding is that these are commonly worn in Hawaii and usually while attending luau – an event that often includes at least one “pit roasted” pig.

We could be looking at the kiss of death.
Kissing frogs is a waste of time too. They never turn into handsome princes.
Swishing with gay abandon is indeed one of the enduring legacies of colonialism GB. The pig does not look that convinced - he has his eyes open unlike the chap with the lei. I wonder if a human has ever kissed a gorilla and lived to tell the tale? David Attenborough perhaps?
Sarah: I hope you gave him a chance to sniff your panties before jumping on him.

Madame Defarge: You are a woman of great compassion, Madame Defarge. An apple would have surely sweetened the bitter pill.

Beast: Perhaps you should introduce Desperate of Dorchester to a pig who might return her feelings.

Emilio: Are you by any chance the Mexican urchin who shined the ringmaster's shoes?

Emerson: Perhaps you should eat with one instead. A candle-lit dinner for two could lead to a night of blissful oinking.

Deborah: If you were Miss Piggy you might not be quite as choosy, Deb. She was quite happy to have an affair with a frog, as I recall.

Ram: A terribly thought! Being kissed by your executioner is not something any creature should have to endure.

Lady Daphne: What about Antoine de Caunes? He's a bit of a ladies' man, isn't he?

Kate: Davy never got close enough to kiss any of us, Kate! But I'm sure he wouldn't have been killed if he had. I would have hung him upside down by his ankles for a couple of minutes.
GB: which time? ;o)
Kissing pigs is all very well, but offends the strict monogamy and Victorian decorum of the hoggly world. Surely this "ocker" ought to do the decent thing and wed the beast. Such unions are recognized under Armenian law.
Humans just have the most bizarre ways of protesting at times...
In my country, i'd like to throw more than just shoes at these moronic politicians!!!!
If one looks at all such instances, including the one in Iraq from where it all started, a deep sense of injustice and loss of hope appears to be the root-cause.
Sarah: If you did it once that's all I need to know, Sarah.

Mr Boyo: He might have to wed them all to avoid favouritism. I believe the culture quite egalitarian in Australia.

Ariel: Too true! Some have even set fire to themselves to make a point.

Sabrina: Surely not your tampons, Saby!

Sidhu: I don't remember anyone throwing their shoes at Hitler or Stalin. India's politicians must be a lot worse than I thought.
Cow kind of likes those Indian sandals and is thinking of getting a ticket to Delhi, and picking up any leftovers.
You make an excellent point. I expect that's why South Africa now has Jacob Zuma.
people who mistreat shoes like that should be flogged.

people who make out with pigs should be separated from everyone else, and not because of contagions.
I <3 pig lovers haha
Topiary Cow: They keep the feet aerated, Ms Cow.

Kyknoord: Yes, I've heard a lot of people are worried about him.

Kara: Is kissing a pig worse than eating one?

The Fox: You should have commented on the 24 April post, which mentioned vixens.
But as we all know, frogs tend to turn into princes when snogged. When it comes to that, there's no hope for this chap here!
So THAT'S how swine flu spread too humans.
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