Monday, June 01, 2009

Honest corruption

A Croatian mayoral candidate has won a landslide victory by being honest with the voters.

“I will honestly fleece you like sheep!” he declared in a landmark campaign speech. “By God, I’ll raid the public purse like a highwayman and live off the fat of the land!”

The voters loved him for it. For once, a politician was being truthful about his intentions. As most of the electorate would do the same in his position, they immediately recognised him as a man of the people. Who really wants to be governed by a pious goody-goody who doesn’t know how to pamper himself at someone else’s expense? Those of a generous nature derive pleasure from seeing others enjoy the high life.

This story is particularly apposite in the light of news from England, where members of parliament are being tarred and feathered for making frivolous expense claims. British MPs have shamelessly reimbursed themselves for hairdryers, toothbrushes, dildos and countless other trinkets. There is only one word for such behaviour: cheap. I’m not sure what the price of a dildo is, but I should imagine it’s less than the cost of the paperwork to claim it back. The voters are naturally furious that so many of their elected officials are penny-pinching parvenus who won’t even pay for their own sex aids.

With any luck, the next British parliament will be packed with rich celebrities who can afford their own dildos. Richard Branson has a collection big enough for the entire House of Commons. Esther Rantzen, Delia Smith and Lulu have their own custom-made devices. Tom Jones is essentially a walking dildo. Not having to worry about such trifling expenses, they will devote their energies to the service of their constituents, many of whom would love to be probed by a famous dildo. The only way of restoring faith in the system is for politicians to get closer to the people they represent.

Dr Whipsnade tells me that times are tough in England. Not for the good doctor, of course, who is a multimillionaire. Yet being a man of conscience, he is not blind to the deprivation around him. His many acts of philanthropy include tipping waiters generously and feeding the fallen women of the Kings Cross area. The latter is accomplished by instructing his chauffeur to distribute tins of corned beef to the prostitutes while he waits in the car.

“Hallo Beefy, got some more beef for us!” they cry at the scowling underling as he carries the box of victuals towards them.

But don’t feel sorry for the chauffeur: that
impudent rascal deserves all the lip he gets.

Things are no better in the provincial settlements outside London. A
village in Cornwall cannot find a single nubile woman to be its carnival queen. The reason is that economic hardship has forced these young ladies to sell their bodies, hence they are too ashamed to parade before a crowd including their clients, who might grin, wink and point indecently. In their desperation, the village has decided to advertise the position to transvestites. Although many of these men are also prostitutes, the boot would be on the other foot, as it is they who would grin, wink and point at their shamefaced punters. I must send one of my evil henchmen to witness the event and take pictures.

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Perhaps the carnival should hire prostitutes to entertain the guests. Three tickets will get you oral, while five tickets will get you vaginal plus a small lemonade.
Tom Jones is essentially a walking dildo.
He is also Welsh.
I believe our Chancellor actually is a dildo.

Not that it would stop him claiming the expenses back for his own purchase...
How do I love thee
Let me count the ways
1. I’m not sure what the price of a dildo is (you do too know, don't pretend)
2. I must send one of my evil henchmen (the thought that you have henchmen makes me giggle like a schoolgirl)
3. I have to use a dictionary while reading your blog because my poor inferior American vocabulary can't keep up... but I am learning monkey (pat on the back)
I think I love you Mr. Bananas=) you are oh-so-entertaining!
i'm trying to decide where abouts in that photo of the bloke with the red wig goes horribly wrong.

i can't imagine filling out the paperwork to be reimbursed for a dildo purchase. i know they get spendy, especially if you purchase one of the pretty glass ones.. but come on!

i had no idea you had evil henchmen GB.. i don't know whether to be turned on or frightened.
A GLASS DILDO????!!!!! *intake of breath* One would have to be very careful.

The people of Prozac have obviously been tranquillized. Or Croatian humour is more subtle than I thought.
Chris V: Yes, it's the lemonade that puts the icing on the vagina.

Scarlet: Good point, Miss Scarlet. He carries the honour of his nation before him.

Red Squirrel: That good, eh? Or do you mean he's been giving it to the country up the bum?

Auri: I accept your love with open and hairy arms, Auri. I hope one of my evil henchmen will turn up in this thread so you can meet him yourself.

Sarah: You have my permission to be both turned on and frightened, Sarah, although you might stop being turned on when you meet one of them. Perhaps the man in the red wig would look prettier if he was smiling.

Lady Daphne: Wouldn't you say glass dildos were the most ornamental type, milady? You could put one on your mantlepiece.
Oh My God! That's my Dad!
I understand ''chewing the corned beef' is a phrase used in the argot of the denizens of Kings Cross (not the Guardian journalists, the others).

I always thought it was a euphemism for some recondite sexual practice. Apparently not. As the food of athletes, corned beef seems just the thing.
Glass dildos are the hygienic way to go.....
Actually, Gaw, the current phrase - acronym, actually - in the Kings X area is NQNS (no quit, no spit). And, Beverley, don't be so silly. That is clearly Margaret Moran attempting to win over the undecideds in Luton South.
I would never trust an honest politician!!!!!!!

The man should be flogged in public for attempting to go against social norms! For shame!
President Jones may do many things, but walk is not one of them.

This Croat is now chairman of the Cymru Rouge Overseas Branch.

And Sabrina, the chances are that being flogged in public is considered an afternoon well spent in those parts.

Americans would prefer to be lied to. This is one of the reasons Barry Goldwater never got anywhere back in the 60s.
"I’m not sure what the price of a dildo is, but I should imagine it’s less than the cost of the paperwork to claim it back. "

This made me laugh really hard.
My vehicle was robbed once. Just so happens I was in the process of moving. Some deranged person stole bags of my things, one of those being a so called sex aid.

And let me tell you, the insurance guy just wouldn't believe me when he got the list of items and their values. Said that first of all, there was no way I had a rabbit in my bag. Secondly, if I did...I wouldn't cost $80.

Even when suffering economic hardship I did not sell my body - it is pretty easy to take men to the cleaners without removing one's undergarments.
Esther Rantzen. Dildo. NO.
Honesty corrupts. But absolute honesty corrupts absolutely. I like my world full of lies -- then I can feign righteous indignation when the public servants get caught with their fingers in the coffer. It's really all about me...
Beverly: You'd better give him a big hug the next time you see him. I think he wants to be loved.

Gaw: Maybe that's why Dr Whipsnade chose to give them corned beef, he has a wicked sense of humour.

Nursemyra: I'll take your word for it, Nursie!

Mrs Pouncer: Nice to see you ticking off the other commenters like prep school matron, Mrs P!

Sabrina: Have you ever flogged a man, Saby? There must be a few who asked.

Mr Boyo: I would have sympathy with the view that Sir Tom is the only real man left in Wales...if he actually were in Wales.

Mary: Weren't the voters a bit scared of him starting a nuclear war?

Sally-Sal: Hello, Sally, I'm glad to hear it! Laughter is good for the muscles in the pelvic region.

Ms Worldy: Hello Ms Worldly. These insurance guys play hardball, I suggest you keep photographs and receipts of your sex aids at home.

Emma: I'm sure they bought you dinner, Emma, but did they give you hard cash?

Rachel: Don't judge a book by its cover, Rach! Esther knows what's what, the saucy mare!

Ana: Hahah Ana! I see life in a harem has made you think like an eastern potentate.
I'm curious about the shopping trolley GB - is this an MP forced out onto the streets to make ends meet after the expenses expose? Perhaps he keeps his suit in there for a quick change underneath Westminster bridge?
You know what, Bananas? I know she's had work done, but I'd gladly bone Lulu.

The pop singer, I mean. I haven't suddenly started making inappropriate comments about other bloggers.
the best thing about that last picture is his rolly cart. see, he's trying to be all bad ass, but the real reason anyone will hire him will be due to an appreciation of the practical.
Shouldn't sex aids be available for free, though? Then even people like that Fred Goodwin etc can sate their self-satisfying urges without screwing the rest of us. "Wanking not Banking" should be the slogan.
Your country needs you GB. I'm assuming you are British. Of course you are. How about it?
That bloke in the heels has rouged his nipples. Respect.
Kate: He looks too attractive for an MP, Kate.

Emerson No argument with me there, mate, she's very bone-able. I dare say they both are.

Kara: Trannies have to practical with all the kit they've got to carry. Something tells me you'd like them as friends.

Gadjo: I think there's quite a few who would liked to see the bankers get dildoed.

Pi: I'm afraid I'm not eligible, being a member of the Gorilla nation.

Inkspot: You've got good eyesight, I must say.
I was referring more to that period I worked at the dominatrixes where I did not have to have sex with anyone and got paid just to answer phones etc
Ana: I'm so sorry, Ana! I confused you with AVA, who does live in a harem. Your comment is also what she might have said!

Emma: Ah, yes, that's not too difficult! Did you have any interesting conversations on the phone?
I think we need politicians like that Croatian mayor, here in India.

Great post Gorilla Bananas. One point I was unclear on though.

When you say "Richard Branson has a collection big enough for the entire House of Commons" do you mean the number of dildos he owns or are you referring to the size of the dildos he owns?

I suspect that there are some ample asses in the House of Commons.
Very good Mr Ape. Interesting comments from your observant readers too.

"Richard Branson has a collection big enough for the entire House of Commons."

Really ? I know I've got a real one big enough to fill a pram.
The idea of Esther Rantzen as an MP is hilarious. I bet she won't be able to sit still in the House of Commons. She'll be up, grabbing the mic for the TV broadcast and roaming the benches facilitating debate, Jerry Springer style. And she won't have to be sent in vegetables which also looks like cocks, as she'll be surrounded by them.
Yes, but he didn't lie and say he wouldn't, did he? And he had a generous attitude towards the sort of fellow who put on heels and rouged up his face -- provided he was willing to fight for his country...

I have to admire his honesty as much as I deplore his politics.
I think that may be an escapee from the Cafe C caberet Nite .
I am always a bit suspicious of Delia , on her shows you only ever see her above the wonders whats going on below :-(
Yes, it was amusing, I was meant to give a spiel to potential punters, get into their fantasy a bit and then book them a session. The problem was the Mistress was an insecure psycho who used to listen in to my phone conversations and scream "you should say slim but curvy not curvy but slim." you are making me sound fat!!
Sidhu: Isn't he a bit like an old-style maharajah?

Ram: I was thinking of the number, but it's quite possible Branson has bought one that could occupy the entire lower chamber. He's pretty vain.

Ayrdale: That would be a strange place to put it.

Misssy: It's odd that Esther is still in the limelight. What has she done since her funny vegetable show?

Mary: I can believe that. I think he once said "All good Christians should kick Falwell in the ass".

Beast: Are you trying to imply she has a big bum, Beast? It wouldn't bother me. I bet her thighs are quite luscious.

Emma: Haha! Maybe you should have just said "tits like melons and an arse like a peach". There's no point being coy when you're selling sex.
GB - I find your analysis and insight into matters political as profound as always. You bring a new dimension to my Whitehall masters of which others can only dream.
the whole thing has been good for ducks, many of whom have now got beautiful second homes. At least we can be glad for that!
Madame Defarge: Welcome back, Madame Defarge. You must have plenty of inside knowledge which the Official Secrets Act prevents you from sharing with us.

Mutley: I hope you're going to the village carnival in Cornwell, Mutley. Didn't you realise that you are one of my evil henchmen?
I dropped my fabulous glass dildo in the sink and broke it in two. I was gutted... but nowhere near as thoroughly as I had been previously... I wonder if, as an MP, I could have claimed once - or even twice if I flipped over what should qualify as its primary residence.

Moving on, I have to help my newly 18 year old decide who to vote for on her first expedition to the polling station. She is a voting virgin. Yegods! Have you seen the motley selection of miscreants from whom she has to select a box to tick?
I'll tell you what I say to her, Mrs Cake. If in doubt, vote for the one with the biggest arse. A low centre of gravity is a sign of political maturity.
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