Friday, May 22, 2009

Female ingenuity

The manager of the safari camp has been telling me about a woman who avoided going to her high-school reunion by sending an impostor in her stead.

“Pretty clever eh, GB!” he said. “I bet your females wouldn’t have thought of a trick like that!”

“You’d be surprised,” I remarked. “Female gorillas can be incredibly devious in pursuit of their aims. Not that they’d worry about skipping a high-school reunion, of course. Anyone who tried to pressure them into attending such an event would simply be told to piss off.”

On reviewing the
news report, I am forced to admit that this woman, Andrea Wachner, is a cunning wench. The impersonator she hired was a professional stripper well-versed in performing before strangers. Her looks were also carefully chosen – essentially a cuter version Miss Wachner with a smaller nose and a bigger bust. After getting her stooges to install webcams at the venue, Miss Wachner equipped the impostor with an earpiece to receive her instructions. The deception worked perfectly until one of her former classmates sidled up to the stripper near the end of the party.

“You’re not Andrea, your eyes are different!” he said staring intently at her breasts.

The hoax almost succeeded, though, and the idea of using a double to fob people off was brilliant. It’s a concept that might lead to a social revolution comparable to that of the birth-control pill. The busy career woman, juggling work and family responsibilities, could hire multiple look-alikes for different tasks – one to attend office parties, one to drive the kids to school, one to give her husband a treat on his birthday, and so on. A rich femme fatale could lead the life of a Bond villain, lying on a couch in her boudoir while watching her doppelgangers carry out her nefarious plans. The ones that make a hash of it would be invited back to HQ for a paddle with the sharks in the aquarium.

Yet contrasting such womanly wiles with the behaviour of female apes is obviously comparing apples with pears. The apettes may not hire strippers to impersonate them, but they possess jungle instincts that the modern woman lacks. Take the
recent case of Miss Karta, a sharp-witted orang-utan who escaped from her zoo enclosure by building a ladder and short-circuiting an electric fence. When surrounded by a posse of her captors, she jumped back into her enclosure before they could fire their tranquiliser darts. Are there women who can make ladders and short-circuit electric fences without being unnaturally butch? Not that I’ve seen.

I think it’s fair to say that women and female apes have much to learn from each other. Women may have guile and subtlety, but their hairy sisters could teach them a range of practical skills that would serve them well in life, such as tree-climbing. A woman who knows how to straddle up and down a tree trunk has an exciting feral quality that complements her softer virtues. Perhaps I should hold a jungle symposium for female primates of all species to exchange ideas.

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It is an idea doomed to lead to further confusion. Human women are all to busy having their nipples pierced to attend such learned symposiums... I would attend obviously though!
nice dress!
people are always using tranquilizers to try to keep me from going places too! what is WITH that?!
I like both the stories :-) What a clever orang utan! More clever than me, I'd think :-)

> The busy career woman, juggling work and family responsibilities, could hire multiple look-alikes for different tasks – one to attend office parties, one to drive the kids to school, one to give her husband a treat on his birthday, and so on.

This is a wonderful idea :-) I've often wished I could have clones (so that I'd never have to turn anyone down) - this is the solution! (although not a long term one, perhaps ;-)).
Great idea. I've always avoided skool reunions like the plague, but the thought of sending a female stripper in my place kinda appeals. "Oh yes daahhlings, I had the op back in 1987 and have never looked back since. Come on have a feel, you know you want to!"
Is she Spiderwoman?
My alter ego would have to come in the form of She-Hulk.
I'm liking the idea of being employed to go to parties... where do I sign up for it?
Mutley: What makes you think you'd be invited? Ladies don't want you listening in on their girl talk.

George: I assume you're referring to the tree-climber rather than Ms Wachner.

Kara: That's because you're hyperactive, Missy. You need darts in your butt to keep you sane.

Eve: Would you mind if your husband went to bed with your clone, Eve?

Gadjo: You'd have to coach her for weeks. Even then, something about her might give the game away. Possibly her vagina.

Rachel: I don't think her hands and feet have quite the suction power of Spiderwoman, Rach. Squirrelwoman might be a closer description.

Scarlet: You'll first have to find a rich lady who looks like you Miss Scarlet. And one who'll trust you not to give her a bad name!
As if I'd give anyone a bad name...
Obviously Id be hard pushed to find a woman with a similarly kissable bottom :P

I think I may have said before but I did go to a school reunion 25 years after we had all left and very few people recognised me. Id have said I havent changed that much physically but, suddenly, blokes who hardly gave me the time of day when I was 16 seemed much more interested. Sadly, none of them had aged well at all :(

I do like the idea of having an army of 'mes' to get done all the things that need to be got done. Perhaps then Id have more time to relax... although I suspect that I might get on my own nerves trying to organise them all :)
where do i sign up for your symposium?
The human women's jungle instincts are not limited to jumping over the fence, GB, although some of us are pretty good at that too without looking butch, trust me.
What is the fee for your symposium? I'm all for the open exchange of ideas between primates. And I'd love to learn their secret for pouty lips...
i admire my own feral qualities..
AND butt pinching skills.
Count me in for the symposium as long as it isn't going to be one of those feminist workshops where we all have to peer at eachothers labias in mirrors.
Scarlet: I know you're a good girl, Miss Scarlet. Deep down.

Mrs Cake: You must have been a late blossomer, Mrs Cake.

Nursemyra: Don't worry about registering, Nursie, if it's overbooked you can stay in my room.

Polly: Are you a feminine fence-climber, Polly? I would trust any claim you made, of course.

Ana: You'll get many demonstrations of that, Ana. By the end of the symposium you'll be a pouter par excellence.

Sarah: My females will enjoying comparing notes with you, Sarah!

Emma: Labia examination will be an elective, Emma. The core modules will focus on exercising the tush.
This is a charming idea. Have the doppleganger do all the tedious parts of life, leaving the bon-bons and hot-tubbing to the real one.

Only, what's to prevent the dopples seizing the palace? Goodbye bon-bons, hello unending boredom and toil.


Mr bananas! I am always welcomed into exclusively female zones... can you guess why?
I think your proposed symposium would be of great benefit to human females.

I have searched my entire life for a woman capable of straddling up and down a tree trunk.

It's not an easy quality to find.
This idea would work great for those who get nervous doing public speaking. Imagine nervous Joe Public hiring Barack Obama to give a speech for him. All Joe has to do is feed the words to Obama, and Obama can use his smooth oratory skills to deliver the presentation.

Of course, ol' Barry is president of the U.S. now, but that gig won't last forever. The man's got to earn a living as a private citizen, and his big ears could conceal any number of hidden audio devices.
Wish my missus would use some clones in such a fashion.

We could have a dopplegangbang!
i have never understood why people get so stressed out about reunions...i just throw the invite in the trash (which is pretty much what i think of the people i went to school with)...btw...i do know how to climb sisters would "run away from home" all the time, but were not allowed to cross the street by themselves, so they would climb the highest tree, get scared and yell for their big sister to come get them out...takes some skill but once you have it, you never lose it!
Reunions can be quite the bitch...particualrly if you're 30 and unmarried. Cos you'd be the recipient of pitying looks the whole bloody night and subject to a lot of annoying questions. I wouldn't send an imposter...i'd just tell them where they can shove the invitation :p
That's actually a great idea.
Our beautiful, hairy sisters have it right. They wouldn't have wasted their hard earned greenbacks to let some other tart show off in their stead. They would have gone to the party, stuck out their furry breasts, pouted their lips, and pushed out their large posteriors and danced the night away to Madonna all while the lesser balding males of their class looked on with slack jaws.
Topiary Cow: Good point, Mrs Cow, they would have to be ruled with a firm hand.

Mutley: Boasting, Mutley? Go to the Devil.

Ram: You should have looked in the circus. It's all in the thighs and toes.

Chris: Isn't Barry currently channelling Abe Lincoln? It should be good practice for his future career.

The Jules: You could always try asking her. She may see the fun side of it.

Daisy: Can you really still climb trees, Daisy? You are certainly an honorary gorilla if you can.

Sabrina: Have you tried telling them you're a lesbian, Saby? It's a good way of getting them off your case, and a lot of men would find you even more sexy.

Dr Zibbs: I'm glad we see eye-to-eye.

Auri: That's pretty much how they behave in the jungle, Auri. Except they prefer Tom Jones to Madonna.
This is where the apettes have gone wrong..they should hire strippers to impersonate them.
Have you seen what the majority of strippers look like? I'm not talking the variety that is a minority as depicted in Hollywood
I am referring to the long hairy-limbed, ass picking, flat faced variety that resemble apes and monkeys.
If the apettes did that then they could easily take their jobs and live in the outside world...with the rest of us monkeys.

Btw, that brunette monkey could climb my tree any day.
I love the touch that he was looking at her boobs as he said it... kudos on his multi-tasking abilities.
I can still climb trees okay if they're easy ones -- long as my cat has gone up first. And I'd probably be okay at my high school reunion, except that it's just too far away and there's no one there I'd really want to see. I wouldn't mind a double for cleaning out the kitchen drain and unplugging the toilet, though.
Hmmmmmmmmmm ;-)
If I had clones, actually, and they didn't cost money, I'd send each of them to brighten someone's day (or life, in which case, 'I' would have multiple husbands [each of whom would have to had quite a miserable life to apply, I think - like the ones who got dumped, or divorced, or felt they were unloved - and then my clone could come along and restore their faith in life] - while the original 'me' would probably not get hitched at all, so I wouldn't have any reason to be jealous. Although I guess I might suffer a few pangs of envy if the married clone was having a better time than the single me ;-)). So as to letting the clone sleep with my husband, I might be the one tempted to sleep with my clone's husband - and that would probably not be very nice for her :-)
But of course, my darling gorilla, and i have some wee ones in ireland to back me up. Their kite was stuck in a tree last october and i was the one to get it down...i'm not as graceful as i once was, i will admit that, but can still get up and down in one piece ;)
According to the news-report, she was asked to leave on account of an impromptu strip-tease performance. Why did Gorilla Bananas provide a different version?

Static: Hairy strippers would need to shave after stripping to get the job done properly. That's not something any ape would condone or encourage.

Lilu: I think he was speaking from memory.

PTSOF: Another tree-climbing woman! Well done!

Eve: That's very compassionate, Eve. Would you let anyone who wanted to marry you have one of your clones?

Daisy: That's very impressive. I hope these skills are not lost.

Sidhu: She only did the strip-tease after she was exposed as an impostor. One exposure led to another.
I'm all for waxing or electrolysis.
Tom Jones... hmmm, I wouldn't have guessed=)
I think so, GB :-) I probably don't know what I'd be letting myself in for, though ;-)
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