Wednesday, April 29, 2009


A voluptuous English woman at the safari guesthouse reveals the secret of her sex appeal.

“It all about balance, GB.” she explains. “I’ve got a huge arse, but it doesn’t matter because my boobs are equally enormous. My top and bottom parts balance each other out and make my waist look smaller.”

I nod in agreement.

“Yes, you’ve got to look at body shape in a holistic way,
I say. Look at elephants. Their arses are absolutely massive but you never hear them complaining about it. There’s nothing wrong with a big behind if the rest of the body is in good proportion. I’m glad you’re not one of those women who hate their bums.”

“If I did hate my bum I’d ask you to spank it for me!” she says saucily.

“And I would be glad to oblige,” I reply. “However given that my paw would only cover a small portion of your hindquarters, the punishment inflicted may be slight.”

“On the contrary, GB, my naughty bottom would be chastened by your long-armed follow through!” she insists.

I thank her for the compliment and study the object in question as she saunters off.
It wobbles a certain amount, and yet I wouldn’t change a morsel of it. There is something very engaging about a woman who is comfortable in her own body. As she approaches the end of her stay, I begin to harbour squalid thoughts of giving her juicy buns a good squeeze. It is fortunate that I possess a high degree of self-discipline in such matters.

Anyway, this full-bottomed female reminds me of a fortune teller I met in my circus days. He claimed he could foretell a person’s fate by
examining their buttocks.

“Every crease, crevice and crater is imbued with prognosticative significance!” he declared grandly. “I have just examined the ringmaster and he has a cleft rump!”

“Doesn’t everyone?” I asked.

“Everyone has a vertical cleft, my dear ape, but few are privileged to have a horizontal one as well. In essence, there were four buttocks rather than two. The vulgar members of my profession call it the ‘hot cross bum’.”

“Well I never!” I exclaimed, amused at the ringmaster’s peculiar deformity. “Whatever does it mean?”

“The number four is generally thought to be unlucky in China, but in some dialects it sounds like ‘get fortune’. So the ringmaster is probably destined to have bad luck, with an outside chance of acquiring great riches.”

“That should keep him on tenterhooks,” I said. “However his only connection with China is his weekly noodle-fest at the Chu Chin Chow.”

“The wisdom of the Yellow Emperor is universal.” explained the rump-reader. “Would you like a quick appraisal on the house?”

“If it’s on the house, why not?” I replied, turning round and bending over.

“Hmm,” he mused. “Based on the thick covering of hair, I would say that you were a gorilla. Am I close?”

“Spot on!” I confirmed. “And to think I was sceptical about your powers!…phut… Oh I say, I’m sorry! It must have been the lentils I ate for lunch!”

“Fresh air, fresh air!” he gasped, staggering away. “Damn you, Bananas, open the door! You poisonous effusion is killing me!”

He survived to read more rumps, but was careful to inquire after his subject’s recent diet before future examinations.

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I wonder if the butt examiner is a sex offender. He should be honoured that your bottom chose to tell him about the lentils you had for lunch. Makes his job much easier.

"I can't imagine anyone wasting their time and money on someone like this when there are so many legitimate psychics out there," the psychic, Dr. Sheree Silver of Florida, told the paper "Sun-Sentinel."

I have a dimple on my right buttock. And no hair. I think this is lucky.
The red robed fellow looks like a shamen of some sort.

You strike me as more of an arse man than a tit man, Gorilla.

Am I right?
prognosticative significance I like the sound of that. I'm going to use it in a sentence tomorrow.
Damn those priests... they get everywhere.
i shudder to think of what my ass says about me and my future. unless it says that i'm glorious and will someday be famous.

then it's a different kind of shudder.
@Gorilla Bananas - Hmm, methinks the fortune teller's craft of ass gazing or reading ass is just a cover for his perversions.

I outta know. Coincidentally, this is also my profession. Apparently he doesn't discriminate like I do. He not only inspects female, but male and gorilla derrieres as well. That's pretty talented I suppose. I'm not a carnival freak however, I have my own practice and make daily housecalls. I am known in some circles simply as "The Ass Inspector", or "The Ass Man"..not to be confused with a licensed proctologist.

Why, practically anyone can accurately predict what someone's habits are by just observing the size and magnitude of someone's arse. Therefore it's easy to "predict" their future.

For instance:
*The wider the ass, the more they eat and the less active they are.
*The smaller the ass, the less they eat and the more active they are.

So to tell some overweight lady that she will spend a majority of her time on the couch, it wouldn't be much of a stretch. Similarly, telling a lady with tight, toned glutes that you envision them exercising at the gym at 6pm tomorrow evening would be pretty accurate. Partly because you've got a membership at the same gym and seen the girl doing just that..her tight glutes moving up and down, up and down on that wonderful contraption, the stair climber.. oh yes.

At least in theory that's the only reasonable explanation for these differences.

Elephants and gorillas cannot entirely control the sizes of their asses. That's purely genetic. It has nothing to do with all the healthy food they eat, and all they space they have to roam upon. I mean, hay, and bananas and lentils? Crimeny, it's little wonder that's not a weight-loss diet!

@scarlet-blue - you should be anything but unlucky for not having a hairy ass. Dimples are usually an indication that you have a tendency to ignore the needs of your own ass. Human female ass needs to be worshipped and rubbed down with mineral spirits on a daily basis. If you truly would like an ass reading, please email me and I will clear my schedule straight away. For you my services are free (for a limited time only).
I once threw chicken bones at asses in order to tell fortunes. Unfortunately, people prefer not to have the remains of fowl thrown at them in locker rooms.
Rachel: He's not a sex offender if he resists the temptation to squeeze, Rach. There's a fine line between an examination and an assualt. An extra scoop of ice cream to you for reading the link.

Scarlet: The dimple is certainly lucky, Miss Scarlet. Perhaps you should put a little dollop of cream in it.

Emerson: Arse and thighs, my friend. Don't ever forget the thighs.

Ms Dolcevita: I assume you want to sound like a camp schoolmistress.

Jimmy: A man's soul is visible from the strangest of places.

At: Maybe it's better not to know the secrets engraved on your butt.

Static: Your remarks have a facetious tone, Sir! Something tells me you don't take the tush very seriously

Chris V: Yeah, people are very touchy in locker rooms. You've got to ask their permission to breathe.
A man with 3 buttocks! (Not the funniest Python sketch, perhaps, but surely the most relevant.)
Sly Stone's mother is crazy!
How curious, only the other day I was relating how when I was a firm young boy an old gypsy told me he could tell my future if he were permitted to read my arse. Strangely, he offered to cross my palm with silver if he were allowed to do so, a surprising reversal of financial obligations.
That's funny - my bottom was red only last week and I put it down to the heat!!!
OMG it's amazing! I have that EXACT white lacy underwear!!!!!!
Ms LaBonne: Putting one's bottom down to the heat will always redden it. Better, try using a towel - that is unless you have sensitivity issues.
There seems to be a theme with the last two Gorilla posts...

Not that Cow has any objection!

Okay, another personal anecdote. Sorry. My sister once fell VERY hard and hit her bum against the edge of a metal-lined step. She did end up with a horizontal cleft on her right cheek which was, I'm sad to say, somewhat permanent. The poor thing... What would you call a hot-cross bum missing half of one of its crosses? (Aside from my sister's ass of course)
Gadjo: They never showed his 3 buttocks, which was a bit of an anti-climax.

Nursemyra: I wonder if Mother Stallone still makes TV appearances. She's entertaining enough for the chat shows.

Gaw: You were evidentally blessed with a beautiful bottom for a gypsy to pay for a glimpse of it. He did only look, didn't he?

Lulu: Are you sure no one pinched it, Lulu? The deed could have been done while you were asleep.

Sabrina: Why don't you model it for us, Saby!

Topiary Cow: Did I mention bottoms in the last post, Ms Cow? I wouldn't be surprised if I did, they keep cropping up.

Ana: It's really the letter T on its side, isn't it? Perhaps we could call it "The T-bone Steak" if it's meaty enough.
Disgusting! thats a mans butt being examined above. I would have been surprised had it been a womans buttom. I wouldnt let a man examine my beautiful butt. I get wet easily. Its not a polish thing.
I am wet already.
Kisses from London
But how do you explain the universal appeal of Pamela Anderson who is imbalanced, ie massive jugs and a tiny arse?
@Ana - That's pretty similar to what happened to me!
@Static - Now there's an offer!
I think that's a boypant on the young lady on the left. I have no idea what the other one is, er, up to.
Have you ever done it in the butt Mr Bananas?
Last week a bad man propped his Spectator against my toches as he couldn't be arsed to hold it properly. It is a terrible thing to be treated as a pulpit at my age.
My bottom is showing signs of age, which I think is very sad. I feel the need to rub anti-wrinkle cream on it as a valiant attempt to hold back the tide. Feel free to volunteer Mr Bananas. You have strong hands to fend off the waves.
Anonymous: I fear you are too easily excited, madam.

Emma: Pamela would be far more attractive if she hadn't inflated her boobs. Her bum may not be big, but its shape is perfect. Her thighs are equally impressive.

Inkspot: She appears to be undergoing a self-examination.

Mutley: I've fired a water pistol up a horse's butt in my circus days.

Mrs Pouncer: He must have been sitting down when you were standing up, Mrs Pouncer. In a more gallant age, he would have given you his seat.

Madame Defarge: I'll do what I can for you, Madame Defarge, but perhaps you should take up cycling as well. A bit of muscle in that region can work wonders, as female gorillas continue to prove.
Rumpology is obviously a scam and I shall have none of it.

Now, I'm setting up as a practitioner in the evidence-based science of boobology, which involves numbing the area prior to examination.

Numbnumbnumbnumb . . .
Divining one's fortune by examining the buttocks is a tried and true method of fortune telling. It is also a good investment tool. If more people used it, we wouldn't be in the current economic crisis.
as if rumpology weren't an amusing enough topic, you farted in the man's face. that did get an actual laugh to escape my mouth.

i happen to know that being comfortable or at least feigning comfort with one's own body does make one sexier. the air of confidence is intoxicating. i have a flat bum and sizable breasts, i've never gone without sex. (unless i choose) feminine wiles, amazing.
I had a cheeky message on Friends Reunited once, from a chap I knew at College. He wanted to know if I still had a gorgeous bum. Tsk ... he didn't tell me he thought it gorgeous when at college - why ask now?! x
Your thoughts on good proportions are very positive. I agree. Only I wonder what's that lady in top right hand picutre trying to prove? Her bum doesn't look very attractive without the rest of her body attached to it.
The Jules: Many doctors got there before you. And at least one dentist.

Delia: You're right! Bankers should ask to examine their client's bottom before advancing a loan.

Sarah: I'm glad to hear it, Sarah. I hope you get plenty of foreplay in both places.

Kitty: Maybe he was too shy. Or possibly he wasn't into booty in his younger days.

Polly: I think she is demonstrating the flexibility of her spine, Polly. At least she doesn't have to ask her boyfriend whether her bum looks big.
i started to comment on this ages ago but then began looking at my ass in the mirror and forgot all about it.
I always end up at the bottom of the comments.

Thanks for the post GB. Off to read the others I've missed. I'm quite behind in my reading.
Considering the topic and your ape background, I would have expected a word on baboon-buttocks. I heard they are the prime example of a species capable of arse-reading.

(brilliant: the hot cross bum!)
At first glance, I thought you'd recycled my white pants pic!

Ruf is also a lentil man and I always feel as if Im taking my life in my hands when I put my head anywhere near his behind.

He does like to check my own posterior for signs of cellulite. I have found power walking more effective than cycling for working the glutes and I shall continue to address this issue. I dont want my arse to become like Braille for Rumpologists!
You're really scraping the bottom on this post, GB. Is that a Jewish rumpologist? That seems to be a menorah on the sideboard.
I have a couple of freckles on my butt,what does that mean?
Kara: I hope you didn't strain your neck, Missy. It might it easier just to lay hands on it.

Ram: You're not quite at the bottom this time!

Borah: Baboons are malicious monkeys, Deb. My only interest in their backsides lies in kicking them.

Mrs Cake: Farts are much less deadly in the great outdoors, Mrs Cake, I suggest you attend to his backside in the garden. Is power walking like the olympic sport? It must be a bit embarrassing to walk like that.

Lady Daphne: I suspect he is a member of the Inquisition looking for the mark of the devil on some innocent Jewish backside.

Ms Umbermouth: I think it means you like to have your butt licked.
it's summertime and everyone wants to see some butt! another blogger I follow, old knutsen, posted some lovely tushes too. I noticed a picture of you on his site, btw. did u get in a fight?
Now why would I pick a fight with such a harmless old fellow?
Yeah! Booty! Thats what we are talkin about
Now, GB, let's get to the bottom of this. Do I understand you rightly? Is it perfectly in keeping with the keeping of things to have a very large bottom, providing one is perfectly at ease in the keeping of it?

Biscotto Weaval
@ Mr. Bananas - You've mistaken my enthusiasm for sarcasm. I do take the art of ass reading very seriously.

@ scarlet-blue - And...the offer still stands.
Dave Bones: I'm glad you approve of this topic.

Biscottto: As a gorilla I have nothing against big bottoms, Miss Weaval. We flaunt them with pride, as should humans.

Static: Well in that case you seem unduly preoccupied with size, rather than shape and firmness.
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