Friday, April 24, 2009

Meat for sex

Female chimpanzees will let you mount them if you feed them fresh meat. We jungle-dwellers have known this for ages, but it seems that human zoologists have only just twigged. One day they’ll discover something that hasn’t been going on since the last Ice Age. Media pundits have latched onto this revelation, believing it has far-reaching implications for homo sapiens. Men on the pull will doubtless soon be telling women about their meat-packed freezer compartments. They should note, however, that chimps do a lot of things that only work for chimps. Scratching your arse is a way of showing respect in their society.

The only man I know who has used meat as a seduction tool is Trevor Bumphries-Maddocks, the mercurial Welsh actor. He used to take supermarket checkout girls in Bridgend to Taffy Edwards’ Economy Steakhouse (motto: fresh meat from four-legged animals). He claims the food there “brought out the vixen in them”, which was apparently a euphemism for something sexual. The Welsh, however, are a law unto themselves in most respects. I doubt that meat consumption does anything to enhance the libido of women who prefer to couple in a horizontal position.

You certainly won’t get a female gorilla into bed by offering her meat. As well as being vegetarian, they are almost impossible to tempt with bribes. Male gorillas who beg or cajole them for sex are treated like bacteria. The safest method of having your way with them is to wait until they’re in season and flex your pecs suggestively. They’ll unusually initiate the mating sequence without any prompting. Trying to mount them in other circumstances is a dangerous game. Do anything they don’t like and they’ll squash your testicles like berries.

So what does Gorilla Bananas do if he’s feeling horny and none of his females has an engorged vulva? “He has a hand party!” I hear you cry. Not a bit of it! There is one infallible method of getting my ladies in the mood. In a word, it’s humour. When female gorillas start guffawing you can do whatever you want with them. It exercises the same muscles used in the sexual act and destroys their capacity to resist. As they lie on the ground cackling, it is the easiest thing in the world to turn them over and slip one in. I should emphasize that they don’t seem to mind this at all – indeed, I’m not actually sure they notice.

You must be wondering what I do to make them laugh. Do I tickle their sense of irony with my dry wit? Do I blow enormous raspberries and hop about like a frog? Do I tell them jokes about actresses and baboons? No, it’s a lot more straightforward that that. There is nothing funnier to a female gorilla than an outrageously camp gay man. The screaming queen, or a skilled impersonation of one, never fails to crack them up. So after putting on a flowery hat and red lipstick, I address them in the voice of the late John Inman, ejaculating utterances such as:

“Ooh, there’s never a man around when you need one!”

Not very dignified, I’ll admit, but far sillier things have been said in the hope of getting females to spread their legs. If it works, don’t knock it.

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GB - it has been so long since a gentleman caller peddled his wares at my door that I find this post incomprehensibly baffling. I shall ponder on this and consider how a male of the species may tickle my fancy. Should I ever establish where it is.
Humour gets me every time.

Hairy chests and shaved heads work well too :-)
'Female chimpanzees will let you mount them if you feed them fresh meat' dont forget monkeys also fling their poo! So for homo sapiens I'd stick with the humour rather than boasting about how much meat your packing ; )
What will you do if you get propositioned by a gay gorilla?
I thought gorillas only mated once every few years with each female in their harem...

Though I can believe they hardly notice if you do it carefully: apparently your species has an average penis-size of 3 cm, and a testicle weight of a mere 29,6 grammes!
Mr Bananas , It is no small task to get the human female laughing.
A bad tempered surly bunch on the whole . One would have more success with the ikea catalog or a fistful of OK and heat magazines. Kerry Kantona's weight and love life problems seem to have an almost hypnotic effect .
Madame Defarge: A lady of your distinction would surely require both fresh meat and comedy in ample quantities before even considering the merits of a gentleman.

Nursemyra: Do you find the shaven head funny or sexy, Nursie?

Miss Belle: Hello, Miss Belle! I'm sure no man could seduce by boasting about his meat!

Lady Daphne: If he were passively homosexual I would ignore him. If he were actively homosexual, I would kick him in the direction of the nearest male chimpanzee.

Deborah: Don't believe everything you read about us, Deb! Perhaps you should visit my tribe in the jungle so you can find out about these things for yourself.

Beast: Well, you have to approach them in the right way and make a serious effort to placate them. You must try harder, Beast!
Gorilla - I confess to having been 'laughed into bed' more than once - not by a Danny La Rue wannabe though. Are you sure they're girls you're managing to slip a quick one to?
in answer to your question GB - sexy of course :-)
Making brass laugh is no mean feat. I've always assumed that once they've agreed to let me by them a drink that they want to go off for a bit of the old roll around.

Word got around.

Now they don't let me by them drinks.
My friend's husband once "accidentally" sent her a link to a porn site (he claimed he thought he was sending her a funny youTube). She thought he had a porn problem. I told her I thought it was a desperate ploy to get her in the mood.

Alcohol and plenty of it, I say. Works every time.
Topiary still trying to envision the flowery hat and red lipstick...

and thinking Gorilla would be fetching. Quite, quite fetching.

I agree with the ladies above, from what I know humour does work on humans as well. Meat - not so much. Alcohol can pretty effective but tests have shown mixed results.
Lulu: Well they smelled like females, but I'll check more carefully next time. What jokes got you into bed then?

Nursemyra: If only all the bullet-heads knew, Nursie. You'd be spoiled for choice.

Emerson: Maybe it's time to hone up your comedy skills. You can practice on my females if you want.

Ana: Doesn't it numb the senses though, Ana? I'd rather give you one of my supple-fingered massages.

Topiary Cow: I'll send you a picture. Do you like your men to have a feminine side, Ms Cow?

Polly: I think you're right, Polly. Comedy is difficult and women are difficult to please, so it makes sense.
After hearing that girls like bad boys, my friend (honest) wanted to show he could be macho, forward and uncouth (he's actually quite charming and erudite, so doesn't get much action), so whilst we were in a pub he approached an attractive lady and asked gruffly

"Would you like a little cock?"

How she laughed.
Ana: i'd laugh my head off if someone made that mistake!
To tease me, a friend of mine once sent me an e-mail with a link, which she knew I'd be opening at work with lots of people walking around me. The link directed me to a large, colourful advertisement for vibrators...

No thanks, Mr. Bananas, the city is wild enough for my taste!
so true. and amusing.
i know of some women that would get extraordinarily turned on by a good steak. not saying i'm one of them, mind. freshly baked bread? maybe.
Glaswegian women will let you mount them if you feed them with fresh kebabs and a bottle of gin.

"I should emphasize that they don’t seem to mind this at all – indeed, I’m not actually sure they notice."

You best be careful saying this, GB; someone might accuse you of having a small banana.

I know otherwise, of course. A chap with confidence likes yours is doing something right.
I'd do it for a good barbeque, I think a flowery hat and lipstick would work too.

Oh GB, you wiley fox!
The Jules: Poor chap! He needs to learn how to be forward and charming. I believe human chicks really go for that.

Deborah: Did any of the goods on sale catch your eye, Deb? And why have you changed your blog name?

Sarah: I'm glad you approve, Sarah!

Kara: That's very interesting. I wonder if she looked like Morticia Addams. Bread makes your ass fat.

Chris V: Without hard evidence they'd just be speculating!

Mr Bastard: They seem to have become quite expensive...

Rachel: Were I human, Rach, I would be yearning with lust for your fresh young body.
I've found that the only way "bring out the vixen" in a Welsh woman is to behave like the fox, i.e. by digging their back garden and howling (preferably Cwm Rhondda), which also suggests to them that you might once have been a coal miner.
Having more than a drop of Welsh blood running in my veins, I resent the implication that Welsh women only ever do it horizontally! And Ruf has actively disproved the theory that I will only put out after a big steak.

Julien Clary has always been a very attractive man, as is that nice John Barrowman but Id far rather have an ex-coalminer digging up my back garden and howling like a fox whilst threatening to show me his meat :) I suspect that might have more to do with the dash of Essex blood that also runs through my veins :P
Funny men (and, I am sure, gorillas) are the sexiest of the species.
Funny ha ha, not funny peculiar, I should hasten to add. The latter are still in with a chance if they get me very, very drunk (I operate an equal opportunities policy).
Ha, a good steak, and a glass of red wine, with candles, or a dimly lit restaurant will contribute to hot amount of monkey sex with me, that's for sure.

I saw Julian Clary live here a couple of years ago, he's hilarious and a real professional, and quite pretty!

Nah, I don't buy online.

Why, did you think for a moment you had a new reader?

I was updating my profile the other day, (the alphabet of my favourite music, things that interest me with a C, that sort of thing) when I realised that, if my blogtitle is 'borah's cultural learnings', I should probably name myself that way. Especially since I'm in the urban dictionary, these days:

Good Bloog my friend!! Congratulations!!

good luck!! See you!
Gadjo: Foxes are certainly good at digging, but they don't have the rich baritone required for the miners' choir. It may have been your bushy tail that clinched the deal.

Mrs Cake: What I actually implied, Mrs Cake, was that non-Welsh women prefer to mate horizontally. Would you like to have a go a turning Mr Clary?

Woman in Black: I hope you stopped laughing when the sex started, though. That can be off-putting.

Ms Smack: Would you like some dessert to follow, Ms Smack? It might be fun to lick something sweet and gooey.

Deborah: I've already got used to your first name, Deb. Changing to 'Borah' would be a step backwards in our relationship.

Emilio: Hola amigo.
I love Julian Clary but I would be very surprised if he made a pass at me... I think it would ruin the moment!
Hey, Eddie Izzard works the cross-dressing but retains the bonk factor. Long may it work for you, sir.
I rarely bother with vegetarians, they don't have the energy of carnivores.
The picture at the bottom of the post. Is it a mime? It isn't supposed to represent the Welsh, is it? Who, at least from here in America, appear to a splendid-looking people.


1)Richard Burton
2)The Welsh Guards
3)Tom Jones (back in the day. No, I lie, even now.)

And for the gents:
4)Catherine Zeta Jones
Gadjo, Mrs Cake and Trish are right - Welsh women respond to the outdoor type. Raw meat, a sacrificial slab, 20 Embassy Regal and a harness will do the job.
Isn't it common knowledge that a talent to amuse is a man's biggest asset?
Finally some sensible dating tips!

A great steak and some fancy dress... I can work with that!
Scarlet: I'm sure that you and Julian could learn a lot from each other, Miss Scarlet.

Ms Horse: Thank you, Ms Horse, although I don't enjoy doing it quite as much as Mr Izzard.

Joliet Jake: I suggest you have a date with a she-elephant.

Trish: He's a camp Englishman by the name of Julian Clary, Trish. I'm glad you're a Tom Jones fan, he's an honorary gorilla.

Mr Boyo: I've heard they like a bit of cheek in a man too. The gropers among them are welcome to spend a month in my harem.

Pi: That and his SUV.

George: Best of luck. Feed them the steak before the cabaret, you don't want the watching it on an empty stomach.
After I posted, I realized he was probably somebody well-known, but I didn't want to delete. It's rude!
You're a real lady, Trish. He's obviously not well known in America. Here is the man in action.
God, Julian Clary is tremendously funny. I was laughing my head off.
Thanks for the link.
Agreed. humor always works (if it doesn't come too late;-))
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