Wednesday, April 15, 2009


There is no bigger imbecile than the football referee. The latest moral outrage perpetrated by one of these nincompoops was to caution a player for breaking wind. Someone should teach these card-waving clowns the ABC of human flatulence. Men, unlike apes, cannot conjure up farts at will (although quite a few have mastered the art of sneaking them out inaudibly). The idea that a footballer deliberately tooted his arse-trumpet to distract an opponent is absurd. Not even one of the beer-bellied yokels who play for Burridge United would be capable of that.

I am sorry to say that the vulgar sport of football continues to attract followers in Africa. Even women, who ought to know better, were among the spectators at a recent match in the Congo. Their ululating and hip-wiggling goaded the players into ever more bodacious acts of ball juggling. The one good thing about the African game is that the referee is always bribed by the hosts. This allows the match to proceed in an orderly fashion with very little of the swearing and gesticulating than bedevils the sport in England. If everyone expects the ref to be biased, no one is disappointed by his decisions. It is regarded as a legitimate part of home advantage.

Now you’re probably thinking that Gorilla Bananas spends a lot of time talking to people about farts. I certainly know more about them than Professor ‘Whoopee’ Cox of Salford University, who thinks he’s an expert in the field because he owns a cushion that makes
six different varieties of lavatory noise. Yet we gorillas have no need to flaunt our knowledge of digestive gases, gained through patient years of guffing from a diet rich in fruit and vegetables. I never mention the subject at the safari guesthouse unless our visitors first bring it up, in which case I’m happy to deal with their queries and problems.

I was briefly lost for words, however, when a cross-eyed man with dandruff asked me if my females were any good at
queefing. I pursed my lips and scratched my nipples before answering.

“The coochie of a female gorilla is as tight as a drum,” I said. “No air will come out unless you first put some in.”

“Do you think they’d let me have a go with a bicycle pump?” he asked.

“You’re welcome to try,” I said. “But I couldn’t guarantee that you’d leave the jungle with both testicles intact.”

He decided, on reflection, to experiment with his sex doll instead.

You’d be amazed at the number of e-mails I get from men with bizarre fantasies involving female gorillas. A lot of them complain that women aren’t able to squeeze them as tightly as they want.

“Female gorillas are moody beasts,” I explain. “If you ask them to squeeze you they might hang you upside down and watch you squirm. First try your luck with female body-builders.”

Women with bodies like the young Arnold Schwarzenegger (give or take a penis) should be capable of giving them what they crave. The fly in the ointment is that most of these ladies probably want to be dominated in bed, like any normal woman. Whether they're humans or apes, getting female primates to do what you want is always a challenge.

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I want that lady's upper pecs. Sigh.

And just so you know, a barbell is actually made for the part you are discussing.
But queefs don't smell...
GB - yet again, you cast light on the underbelly of the womanly world. I shall monitor my 'queefing' and make a close study of any noises emitted thereto.

And you can always get me to do what you want. I just swoon at the sight of your hairy forearms.
the woman in that picture is why i don't exercise.
I fully expexted Burridge United to feature in some capacity itinerant English Goalie John "Budgie" Burridge!
I remember when gravity racks were the fashion - one had to put big boots with hooks on and hang upside down from a bar suspended over a doorway. If she didn't do a preventative clench, a girls cha cha sucked in air on the way down, resulting in whoopee cushion sounds when she was restored upright.
Ms Sledpress: Does using a barbell prevent queefing or make it more likely?

Scarlet: Perhaps not, Miss Scarlet, but they make more interesting noises.

Madame Defarge: I shall come equipped with smelling salts when we meet, Madame Defarge. And I'm sure your underbelly will remain noiseless.

Kara: That's no excuse, Missy, there are plenty of exercises for the tush and her neigbours.

Gadjo: No such luck, I'm afraid. Real footballers are strictly excluded from the Burridge crew. Their main talent seems to be getting pissed.

Lulu: Hanging upside down is so undignified, I'm amazed that any woman wanted to do it. The preventive clench sounds like a good exercise, though.
I'm not sure which I find more ridiculous, the farting or the muscle bound goddess at the end of your post!
GB: I don't know. It's simply never happened to me often enough to get data points. Someday, however, I may tell the "tug of war" story.

As for hanging upside down, I do it every day -- by my knees, by my insteps, and by the hands, at successive degrees of inversion. Lots better than the boots. You can do upside down crunches, and slide down off the bar for handstand push-ups. I keep trying to get the men in the gym to come play with me but they won't try it no matter how often I say "double dog dare you." Maybe they're afraid they'll fart.
PS. Ms. Smack: Why, pray, are female weightlifters ridiculous? I should note that far from being "bound," most of us are more flexible and agile than most people who haven't entered a gym. Or are remarks like that easy to make because everyone assumes that a strength athlete is even less likely to be articulate and online than a gorilla?
Female weightlifters are ridiculous as are male weightlifters, I suppose because they tend to be like preening peacocks pumping themselves up before one of their competitions. They are just absurd ...especially that lady in your post although there's no doubt she has pelvic floor muscles of iron and could squeeze the optimum amount of pleasure out of a penis.
"I was briefly lost for words, however, when a cross-eyed man with dandruff asked me if my females were any good at queefing. I pursed my lips and scratched my nipples before answering."

This passage could only be found in a Gorilla Bananas post. Fucking love it. Hahah.
Ah yes, it's been too long since I heard the sweet sound of the tooting from a furry front bottom.

I'd advise against back door tooting on the field of play though. You risk follow through and that's no good to man nor beast.

I'm sure Burridge's very own primate, Chinese Monkey Allan would very much like to pick the fleas from your coat of fur, Mr Bananas.
Emerson - re your number 2 I've recently heard that the follow through is known as a shart
See ya 'round, GB. I was enjoying the banter up to this morning and think your posts from the deep rainforest are absolutely the balls, but if everyone wants to bag on the sport I love and work at every day -- granted that I'm not at the competitive level -- I think I need to step out of the room and let everyone have their fun. And for what it's worth, I didn't take the original post to be an invitation to that sort of pot-shot.
That Girl: Control yourself, Miss, there's no need to shout!

Ms Smack: What about the referee? I thought he was the most ridiculous person by far.

Ms Sledpress: Perhaps they are worried that the blood will go to their heads. But if it works for you, you have my blessing. I don't believe female weightlifters are ridiculous. Just a little eccentric perhaps. I'm very sorry about the other comments that mocked your sport.

Emma: She's not a bad-looking woman, though. Are you sure you're not a little attracted to her, Emma?

Rachel: It's always a pleasure to keep you entertained, Rach!

Emerson: The queefing bit of the post wasn't meant for you, mate. I was trying to initiate a serious discussion about how to officiate football matches. "Chinese Monkey Allan" can kiss my hairy arse.

Lulu: Don't encourage him, Lulu, he'll talk about anything but football.
haha.. any normal woman wants to be dominated in bed.. i guess i'm not normal.
I think possibly this might be the start of something...I think it is positively fantastic that a referee has pulled up a player for breaking wind. Will this finally mean that something might be done to discourage all the vulgar spitting that goes on on the football pitch? Honestly which other professionals get away with farting and spitting in the work place?
With all due respect for your kind, is the lady in the picture a female gorilla?
But isn't that all part of the game of life? Getting male primates to do what you want is also a challenge GB (reg pelvic floor exercises obviously help as the karma sutra helpfully pointed out).
I have heard that Lulu. Quite literally.

You're quite right, Mr Banana - enough of the horse play.

I don't know about letting rip, but I have seen a player get red carded for throwing chewing gum at the referee.
I live near the football ground in question. I suspect the referee decided that doing someone for farting was less embarassing then some of the other options. I'd be red-carding some for wilful tripping over worms.
I don't know much about football. Though I quite like the end bit, when they all take their clothes off and start hugging each other.
Sarah: I suppose we all have our little foibles, Sarah. Do you enjoy being in charge then?

Miss Emma: Men often generate phlegm when they run around, Miss Emma. Spitting should be permitted, but only into spittoons held by the linesmen.

Polly: She probably has the strength of one, Polly. Her husband must feel like Mrs Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Kate: A smart wife can wrap her husband around her little finger, Kate. I believe it's called being "pussy-whipped".

Emerson: Well that was pretty serious if the gum got caught in his hair. It's a good reason for refs to have the full Telly Savalas.

Kevin: Other options? There seem to be some very strange customs in your part of the UK. I don't know what worms have to do with anything.

Scarlet: They do it for your benefit, Miss Scarlet. They know many women are only watching the game to see their tits.
I'm sorry GB she is revolting. I don't even like men that muscular!!
I would suggest that the safari camp needs to tighten up on the entry requirements for guests. Perhaps an exam might be in order?
oi you! keep off my greenery

I have nothing to say about farting or ululating
it's not that i enjoy it Mr. GB, it's just the role i most often find myself in. i suppose it has to be one way or another. "equals" is somewhat of a misnomer.
I used to lift weights and intend to get back to it. I am careful to never bulk up but I do know exactly why women would so enjoy it. I never felt so healthy as when I was lifting weights.
Fantasies involving lady gorillas? Come on, we've all woken up with hairier . . .

I think yelling "Ya big queef!" at a ref will become de rigeur round these parts.
Emma: Ah yes, I remember! You prefer the pretty boy look!

Kyknoord: A general knowledge paper or a chosen specialist subject?

Lettuce: Your garden is my breakfast, ma'am. I'm talking about your plants, of course.

Sarah: Perhaps you're more attractive to men when you take control.

Ms Ubermouth: I should expect it releases pent up aggression as well as toning the muscles.

The Jules: It's not the hair, but the strength. I wasn't joking about the e-mails I've received. I'll forward one to you if you require proof.
Finally, a meaningful and thoughtful discussion about queefing. Its like nobody wants to discuss anything serious anymore. Well played sir, well played.
"I am sorry to say that the vulgar sport of football continues to attract followers in Africa." I know gorillas are better at rugby, but do you have to be so snooty? The greatest footballers in the world have come from Africa, and they generally don't take drugs, burst into tears, hit the referee, rape girls in their hotel rooms, or spend all their money on vacuous supermodels and gas guzzling cars like our local boys do. You should be proud of them rather than looking down at them from your ivory treehouse. Sometimes, GB, I think you haven't read your Darwin properly.
Gorilla, you are hilarious. Thank you for leaving a comment on my blog - much appreciated. x
I can fart "Land of Hope and Glory"...
This may be a little difficult for some to believe, but there are lots of men who pay female bodybuilders hundreds of pounds (or dollars), for private sessions where they have the muscular ladies squeeze them in a variety of submission holds (leg scissors, bearhugs, etc.).

GB, if you would have your females trained in the art of squeezing human males they could make a lot of money doing private sessions.
The crazy things scientists like your Trevor Cox get paid for!
I'd run a mile from any girl that big.

Though, come to think of it, the most aggressive females I've met were all bony things. Maybe that's where I went wrong.

Thanks for visiting my site!

I love your tags here. Just thinking about the people who'll end up here because of those tags is almost as much fun as reading your posts.
F Jelly: Thank you, Mr Jelly, I hope you have broadened your knowledge.

Lady Daphne: I wasn't looking down on the humans in Africa, milady. To their credit, they didn't invent the game. Rugby is even worse.

Miss Redhead Hello and thank you, Miss Redhead. Live long and prosper.

Mutley: One of the easier tunes to fart out. Let me know when you can do My Blue Heaven.

Anonymous: They might get carried away, though. It's difficult to restrain a female gorilla when her blood is up.

Deborah: What a silly man he is.

George: Don't you think you should check out her personality first?

Mary: Do people really find posts from tags? I thought they were just for show.
perhaps.. i was voted most likely to be a Dominatrix when in high school.
Your friend should just wear a cup and go for it. It's in the name of science!
I am definitely going to look into a job where I can raise cash putting men in headlocks, especially if they enjoy it, too*.
For a few extra pounds I will also do the ironing.
* Oh. It's 'that' kind of enjoyment, isn't it? Curses. Just when I thought I'd found a way out of journalism that didn't involve prostitution for once.
Sarah: You sexy thing!

Lilu: Hello Lilu. Are you referring to some variety of jockstrap?

Women in Black: How about a massage?
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