Friday, March 13, 2009

Wild parrot chase

A British charity has given an amateur birdwatcher five thousand pounds sterling to hunt for an Australian parrot that is probably extinct. It’s money well spent in my view. The problem with parrots is knowing for sure whether they're really extinct or just lying low. A month ago one of my females said:

“Yo, Bananas, do you think the purple-crested peckerhead has died out? We haven't been woken up by that motherfucker for ages.”

“By golly, you could be right!” I exclaimed. “No wonder I've been sleeping like a lark. God willing, the curse of the midnight squawker has been lifted!”

And then, of course, on that very night, it was caw-bloody-caw as I slumbered in my hammock, interrupting a dream about my favourite episode of Little House on the Prairie. Thankfully, a resourceful monkey silenced the featherbrained fowl with a well-aimed plum stone, causing it to parachute to the ground in a daze. I marched to its landing spot and warned the parrot that the next time it disturbed our sleep its beak would be embedded in toffee.

Now I don’t know anything about this Australian bird, but it’s obviously high time someone got on its case. Its haunts should be monitored and its intentions should be exposed. If you let a parrot play dead in the Great Australian Bush, it’s only a matter of time before it emerges from its hiding place to carry out a sneak attack on some innocent wombat. I just hope they’ve given the birdwatcher enough money to do a thorough job. These expeditions have many expenses – a room at the inn, the cost of equipment, hiring Aboriginal porters, buying drinks for the local Sheilas, etc, etc. They should wire him some more if he runs out of cash before getting a good sighting.

It is possible, of course, that the parrot really is extinct, making everyone connected with the mission feel like a great big ninny. I hope they’ll quickly get over the disappointment. Extinctions are Mother Nature’s way of cleaning house, replacing uppity guests who’ve overstayed their welcome with promising newcomers. Dinosaurs, dodos and unicorns once thrived in pastures green, only to yield their respective positions to the warm-blooded, the airborne and the hornless. If the parrot is truly gone, it surely made the most of its precious time on Earth by screeching its head off at dozing marsupials.

Many humans don’t realise that their species was once close to extinction. Aeons ago, on the African plains, it was your relative Homo Erectus that stood proud, while the newly-evolved Sapiens breed teetered on the brink. We gorillas thought you were done for and collected your artefacts as remnants of a doomed culture. Then came the great Wanga-weed infestation. Your hominid relatives smoked the herb addictively and got so high that they lost interest in procreating. The men of Erectus lost their erections and the species quickly died out, allowing humans to move into their tastefully decorated caves.

And so, my hairless primate cousins, the path of Life on Earth is crooked, contorted and capricious. A lucky break can rescue a species from the gaping abyss of doom, and propel it onto the pouting pinnacle of prosperity, before it is finally sucked into the swirling vortex of oblivion. Enjoy the ride.

Labels: , ,

How come will still have to put up with cocks? Sorry, I mean cockerels...

Apologies for deletion - spelling malfunction...
GB - let us hope that you are never extinct. A rich vein of intellect would be forever lost. We must embark on a captive breeding programme herewith. Volunteers will line up in a disorderly queue.
Oh, I so want the Australian Night Parrot not to be extinct. They always gave an air or mystery to an otherwise-gaudy plate of parrot portraits in the bird books.
I don't know much about parrots or the obliteration of species by causes natural or chemical, but I do know that your use of alliteration in the final paragraph assures your continued survival in the Land of Blog.
For £5000, I could be persuaded to look for something that might not be there. I can guarantee not to find it.
A really great post. Well done and thanks very much.

Not much wildlife in my neck of the woods - just rats, roaches and the odd feral cat. All seem to be thriving quite nicely.
Solid scientific theorising, Bananas!

I've a friend who lived and worked in a tourist agency on the African island of São Tomé, and had to welcome birders who'd come to find the São Tomé Grosbeak, one of the rarest and most pointless birds still in existence. She grew to hate it so much that she almost went out and strangled the remaining 50 of the population.
Scarlet: You don't have to put up with them, Miss Scarlet. You can always throttle them if they annoy you.

Madame Defarge: That's a very flattering suggestion, Madame D, but I would never take advantage of a captive female.

Kevin: We are all praying for good news. Let us wish the man Godspeed.

Ana: Haha! It was actually my homage to Madame Defarge, who is the empress of alliteration.

XL: It's great work if you can get it, but you've got to be earnest enough to look hard.

Foodhere: Is that you, Ram? Have you thought of getting a crocodile to amuse your customers? Feeding them live rats would make an excellent spectacle.

Gadjo: Fat birds can be annoying, but at least they lay good eggs. She could have charged them a bomb for a Grosbeak omelette.
Wombats are NEVER innocent
My near neighbour Col Deakin won the Army of India annual award for rendering species extinct in 1925-34, narrowly pipped for the decade by Maj Gervaise "Neither Know" Nacquere.

The latter won the lifetime award for wiping out a type of deer two days before it was formally identified by the Royal Zoological Society in 1937. A type of three-headed mattock is still known as a "Jharvis" in parts of Assam.
Food for thought GB - lanky, sophisticated, good with our hands ... but are we on the way up or down? (RE parrot - shame they didn't think of Bill Oddie - a jaunt outback would be more beneficial than rehab).
Try as I might, I cannae seem to recall you asking for permission to use my passport photos in this post.
They live for bloody ages, parrots that is. My great uncle had one called Eric as a pet for about 30 years. He was a cantankerous old git, the parrot that is.
Sounds like a ride at Alton Towers: "Evolution - Will You Survive?". Is that Mick and Keef in the picture?
I was working in a Costa Rican forest where someone had returned a parrot to the wrong bit of the wild - the poor devil was the only one there and spent his days riding around on the heads of passing people.

If there's one thing worse than extinction, it must be being the only one left
As a human and an anthropologist in training, GB, I hereby register my absolute fury over a silly amateur birdwatcher being given thousands of pounds for a bloody parrot, while I scramble around for a few measly hundred dollars to study a damned human society. Hmph.

(If worst comes to worst, I'll just hop over to Congo, study the artefacts your species collected of the homo sapiens, and hop back here to write a paper about it)
My personal belief is that the ultimate survial of both Gorilla and human will come about by the creation of a half Gorilla/half human halfbreed and right now I am working on some secret experiments so that one day this amazing Gorillaman may one day walk among us. I know you gorillas have no interest in our hairless breasts so cannot mount humans- so far this is being done via test tube.
Nursemyra: Have you had a bad experience with one, Nursie? I hear they have a wicked bite.

Mr Boyo: These stalwarts of the Raj made India a land where the grass could grow unmolested.

Kate: Bill Oddie certainly has the beard for it, but he might get mistaken for an exotic species of wildlife himself.

Jimmy: Your twin brother in the background put the picture in his Facebook site for anyone to borrow. Take it up with him.

Emerson: Did you teach him any words (the parrot, that is)? I gather that "bugger off" is a popular phrase taught to parrots in England.

Lady Daphne: They're too young and handsome for Mick and Keef, milady. They're more like playthings for Marianne Faithful.

Lulu: How sad! It would have been kinder to find a pirate who'd have offered his shoulder.

Rimi: That's too bad, Rimi, but do you really need much cash to study humans? I just went out into the park with a pair of binoculars. What do you think of the Erectus boys?

Emma: But test tube reproduction is so cold, Emma. I, for one, could forget about your hairless breasts given the deep emotional bond we have.
Well aren't you a ray of sunshine today? Then again, I suppose disturbed sleep is bound to make anyone miserable.
Which Little House on the Prairie episode? Was it the time Pa gets lost out in the snowstorm?
Cow really liking this for extinction, seems that Gorilla is still going...*strong*....

Watch out, GB, Nursemyra is only introducing wombats so that she can then discuss their genital arrangements. I've no idea what they are, but, since marsupials are involved, they're bound to be, well, to write bizarre would be species-ist, but certainly they'll be other.
They remind me of a couple of Planet of the Apes escapees who went and lived in a gym, GB :-)

(and had their bodies shaved, of course. Mmm hmm)
They gave the money to an amateur birdwatcher? Aren't scientists supposed to do all that?
Maybe the birdwatcher in question is just so irritating that someone has paid 5 grand to get rid of him indefinitely by putting him on a wild goose chase. He probably doesn't even know the difference between a goose and a parrot anyway, therefore reinforcing the plan.
So you sleep in a hammock and dream of Little House on the Prairie? That pretty much shatters my image of you.

And yes, which episode??
Kyknoord: I wasn't trying to depress you. There is much in life to savour for humans and apes alike.

Mary: It was the one in which Mrs Olsen thought she had the vapours. She was my favourite character.

Topiary Cow: It's a clever parrot that makes humans concerned for its welfare. Ms Cow should have one as a pet.

Inkspot: I suspect Nursemyra has been molested by a wombat - she's sexy enough to have cross-species appeal.

Rimi: I'm sure you're not the only girl here to find those boys appealing. Your candour does you credit, Rimi.

Rachel: I never thought of that, Rach! It's the perfect scheme to get rid of an irritating beardie!

Polly: I'm sorry, Polly, did you imagine I slept in the long grass or in the branches of a tree? I don't often dream about 'Little House on the Prairie', but when I do Mrs Olsen always has a starring role.
Thank you, I am touched. If you have trouble getting aroused I could always wear a chest wig.
If the parrot wasn't extinct before, I'd imagine that discovering the price on its head was a mere £5,000 might well depress it to death.
I'd like to up the figure, and am willing to donate an extra £25 to help the twitcher on his mission.
I await the day when the working classes finally become extinct, allowing the stronger and superior upper classes (such as myself) to flourish, whereupon humankind will finally reach it's true potential.

I try to hurry the process along by going out and stabbing the odd beggar, or setting fire to tramps, but frankly, I am only one man, and can do so much.
I'm all for discovering new (or thought extinct) species. They're probably not actually extinct, but just masquerading as a more common critter with a bit of feather dye and some tinted contacts. Clever things, parrots.

It's a bit like those undercover gorilla anthropologists, who think shaving their bodies and wearing a hat makes them invisible to us humans, but we all know they're there!

I only trust the upfront ones like yourself Mr Bananas.
Emma: Rubbing your chest with a baldness cure might produce a more natural look.

Women in Black: The parrots of the world will surely look on you as their surrogate mother.

Lord Likely: You have done plenty for the cause by fathering countless children, m'lud, although perhaps the majority are of mixed heritage.

The Jules: Gorillas who shave off their hair have lost their self-respect and are no longer part of our nation. You are right not to trust them, they probably want to seduce your wife.
I bet them bastards lizards ate them.

I'm sure of it.
Thinking too much about it, the problem with night parrots is that they're like occasional furniture: you wonder what they're doing the rest of the time.

They probably spend all day camped up to the nines as Gough Whitlam's Rosellas and then moonlight, literally, as a near-extinct species. I expect it's a grant aid fiddle.
"The men of Erectus lost their erections and the species quickly died out"

The irony, the irony.

I hope that dreadful Mrs. Olsen from "Little House on the Prairie" wasn't partly responsible.
Mr Bananas , Margate is suffering from flocks of parrots and parrakeets that have escaped and bred . Destructive and noisy little blighters it has to be said.
Did the only surviving Homo Erectus specimens form the group Village People as a last ditch attempt at survival???
The Dramatic One: Possibly, if the parrots were suicidal.

Kevin: They might find more places to roost in Barry Humphries' mansion. In his wigs, for example.

Trish: They would have made Mrs Olsen the madam of their bordello, with Nellie as a working girl. Hanging out with the Erectus would have changes their personalities in a positive way.

Beast: The Red Indian might have been part Erectus. And quite a few of their fans were fully Erectus.
So, any news on my shipment of Wanga-Weed?
The question is how'd you get my picture that you displayed at the end of your post?
Scarlet: You can't smoke it, Miss Scarlet! You'd lose your interest in carnal pleasures!

Krapsody: I paid your psychiatrist.
Hopefully, people will note the difference here between caged and wild parrots and put an end to the practice of caging birds. If we take the time to search and observe these birds, we’d realize what a colorful country we have. If only we’d take better care of it.
That's a nice bird to own. I'm thinking of keeping it as my pet. How do you like that!!
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin