Monday, March 23, 2009

Pregnant women

I got a boastful e-mail from Danny Craig the other day. International stardom has not cured him of the need to toot his own horn. It seems that a pregnant woman got so excited watching him jump about in Quantum of Solace that she went into premature labour. I was careful not to puncture Danny’s fragile ego. “Your ability to induce labour is just the tip of the iceberg,” I wrote in reply. “Many women have actually conceived after watching you pull out your revolver.” That should get him in the right frame of mind for the next Bond flick.

Impregnating a woman is quite tricky in reality. When a female ape is in season she’s a dead cert to conceive, even if she gets mounted by a goat. But many human females have problems with blocked tubes, fickle ovaries, or men who fire blanks. It can be incredibly frustrating for them. A 40-year-old woman from northern England recently
bit her boyfriend’s tongue off in a drunken rage when she found out she wasn’t with child. Such desperate acts are all too common when a woman’s biological clock is ticking. One has to feel sorry for the man, even though he was as reckless as a baboon to let it happen. French-kissing an intoxicated woman is something you do at your own peril.

The tongue-munching madam will go to gaol for her offence, which is harsh in a way, although judging from her appearance she’ll probably enjoy herself in a women’s prison. My jungle instincts tell me that she suffered from “premature ovulation”, a reproductive dysfunction peculiar to butch ladies. In her eagerness to conceive, her eggs must have been popping out long before her hapless boyfriend brought his laborious huffing and puffing to a sticky consummation. Timing is everything in successful fertilisation. If the egg has gone off when the sperm arrive, they swim in the opposite direction holding their noses.

The biggest pregnancy-related news story seems to be about the woman in America who had octuplets. A lot of people are very annoyed with her for reasons I can’t quite fathom. My only complaint is her obviously false claim that she did it because she loves children. I love a good fruit pie, but I don’t eat them in quantities that make me shit out gooseberries. It’s pretty obvious that the woman has a “bitch-and-puppies” fetish – an uncontrollable urge to feel a litter squirming inside her and later sucking on her udders. She’s three pairs of tits short for final part of the fantasy, but the power of imagination often trumps such anatomical details.

My favourite pregnant women of the moment are the two luscious blondes who posed naked outside the bistro of Little Jimmy Oliver, the cockney chef. The were protesting against Jimmy’s wanton slaughter of pigs to fatten up his greedy punters with heaps of non-kosher food. His spokesman claimed that the pork served at the restaurant comes from “the happiest pigs you can get”. I bet they were a lot happier before Jimmy’s knife-wielding assassins cut their throats.

Meat-eaters have condemned the protest as “tasteless”. I don’t agree. It is a feast for the eyes to watch naked pregnant women, their boobies brimming with fresh milk, imitate dairy cows before their daily pumping. They certainly look much tastier than Jimmy’s pork chops. I only wish I’d been there to offer them encouragement and strike up a friendly conversation about the role of insects in the ethical diet of tomorrow.

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Tattoo's on a pig... whatever next?
Isn't that more appropriate for the Fat Duck?
Have you smoked my shipment of Wanga-Weed, Mr Bananas?!
An excellent post once again. Many thanks.

I'm curious about the 40-year old woman biting off her boyfriend's tongue. Why the tongue?

Surely that wasn't the instrument of offence? I would have thought she'd be chomping off his waggler if she really wanted to send a message about his inability to successfully impregnate her.
Danny's ego fragile??? I think he just wanted some extra attention from you, Mr Bananas
"I will never enjoy a curry again," he said. "I can't distinguish between certain foods, like the difference between cheese and toast, and just toast.

His main concern was that they would get cold?! And I don't get it -- are they identifying themselves as pigs or just meat in general? Like you Mr. Gorilla Bananas, cows I could understand, but the porcine and the bovine are two very different matters, especially if you're a woman -- or a pig -- or a cow.
You are completely right, sir.

And I, also, find those tatoos distasteful.
Oh, lordy, talk about exhibitionism. I wonder what their children will think about this when they're born and old enough to understand the photographs. And why did they pick on Little Jimmy? Angus Steakhouse surely serves more meat.
Mr Bastard: Tattoos on a horse? Or on a Scotsman's behind? There are many unconquered frontiers in the field.

Madame Defarge: They'd need a different pose and possibly a suit of feathers.

Scarlet: I'm high enough without Wanga-weed, Miss Scarlet! And I can get you high just by swinging you by your ankles!

Ram: She might well have done that if they'd not been at a party. A French kiss was probably the most she could ask for in the circumstances.

Polly: I think you're right, Polly. But don't be taken in by Danny's macho image, he's a very good actor!

Sarah: It is indeed! Do you think they've broken up?

Ana: They wanted to show the conditions in which sows are forced to give birth, Ana. But the cow and milk connection seems far more obvious to me.

PALGOLAK: I'm glad we see eye to eye to the issue.

Gadjo: I expect they'll tell their vegetarian children it was done in a good cause. I take a lenient view of their exhibitionism because I find the body of a pregnant woman quite interesting. Jimmy is paying the price for cultivating an image as a public-spirited celebrity.
Puts hand up and demands to be allowed to test the theory that the lovely Daniel can get a woman pregnant just by looking at her!

I know that's not what you were suggesting but, hey, I'll still volunteer :) Even Ruf knows that the best way into my pants is to obtain a copy of one of Dan's movies and watch it with me before allowing himself to be taken off to bed to receive the benefits.

As to the ladies outside the restaurant, Im not quite sure what the significance is of their nakedness.
From James Bond to Octo-pussy in one seamless link. Daniel Craig doesn't do it for me, although to save his ego I might give him a go to see if he could change my mind. I'm altruistic like that.
If there are photos of naked women circulating, GB, you are right there. Why, oh why, do I have this gut feeling that your next post will be about an Italian porn star protesting at the Milan stock exchange?
very annoyed with her for reasons

I am sure you will say I am being harsh but the bottom line is I say to Octomum: by all means be a total raging lunatic if you will and have 14 kids but pay for it yourself. The bottom line is this nut has 14 kids and is on welfare.
The man was lucky he only got his tongue bit off :P

Pigs are funny.

Ram V.: Maybe the problem to begin with was that they'd been doing it wrong, and she thought the tongue was at fault?

Given the number of people who clearly can't be bothered to mind even one or two children after having them out of everything from egotism to carelessness, I vote that we withhold fertility treatments from humans altogether and apply them to the gorillas, whose numbers are in much greater danger of dwindling. What do you say, Mr. G. B.?
Goodness GB - that last pic makes Demi look demure.
Daniel Craig's face looks like it's permanently photoshopped onto his body. It never quite fits right.
And he also has perpetually sad eyes. Like Droopy.
Bloody depressing to look at.

Anyhoo, moral of the story seems to be hormones + women = insanity.
I can't argue with your observations, Mr B.
Women have hormones? I have had an epiphany.

(exits stage left to change trousers)
Mrs Cake: You just might be fertile enough to do it, Mrs Cake! The naked women are demonstrating the condition of farm animals, who are also shockingly deprived of clothes.

Woman in black: I'm sure you'd make Danny work hard for it. He needs challenges to keep him sharp.

Lady Daphne: I'll never give that Italian porn queen publicity, milady. She doesn't even look naked in those pictures!

Emma: That's a valid complaint, Emma, but the last thing I heard was that she'd found a sponsor.

Nothingman: Pigs have great comic timing, but I prefer naked ladies.

Ms Sledpress: That's a great idea, but it won't be easy to persuade female gorillas to play along. Multiple births is not their scene. They don't have the bitch-and-puppies fetish.

Kate: I much prefer them to Demi, Kate. A woman who gets naked for a cause is so much more admirable than one who does it for cash.

Rachel: Are you saying Danny has overdone the body-building, Rach? He thinks women like his incredible hulk look.
What a spot of luck that the tongue-biter could not conceive, on so many levels! But I do feel sorry for her boyfriend. I take my curries seriously and would find it a real nuisance if I could no longer enjoy them.
Mmmm. Pigs are delicious. I just had me some bacon.

I'm glad those pregnant women are so worried about little piggies. Judging by the bleach on their hair they don't give a crap what that stuff did to their unborn.
Too rich. You’re very funny… Can't help but wonder what happened to the tongue... I am so impressed not only by our blog but by your vast array of famous friends. I haven't had a chance to look through everything you've posted so please forgive me if this question seems terribly ignorant (as opposed to wonderfully ignorant)... Do you know Satan? If so, could you please write him for me? He won't return my letters. I'm not sure why. I would greatly appreciate your taking the time out of your busy schedule to do this. I’m hoping you can explain to him that there’s not much of a difference between Satan and Santa. The fact is they’re both simply a physical manifestation of the same unseen threat that parents all over the world use to scare kids and keep them in line. Now kids aren’t stupid, but they are easy to frighten. Be good or Santa won’t see you. Be bad and Satan will. When you think about it, they may be the same person. Satan, Santa. Switch around a couple of letters and you’re there. Plus they both wear red and travel under different aliases: Chris Cringle, Beelzebub, St. Nick, Old Nick. Santa has elves and helpers, Satan has demons and imps and they’ve both had TV movies made about them. A coincidence? No chance! They’re the same guy. The same guy who happens to know whether you’ve been naughty or nice. Now some might say this is heresy. But when you think about it, isn’t heresy just hearsay spelt differently?
What a horrible woman. Her own vile tongue should be torn out and served at wee Jimmy Oliver's. I don't think even the most lentilly vegetarian would object to that.
Your spelling of gaol is too rare these days.

Apparently Mr Craig is elder fit. No, I don't know what that means.
i can't stand hearing about or looking at the Octo-mom. her face is offensive. i hope her starving babies turn on her like that one time in that one movie.
I also find the bodies of pregnent women interesting - beautiful, even - no problems there. I realise I am getting old when I worry about what one's kids would think of one.

Shit, Kev, I reckon they're right, women do have hormones; this explains so much.
Being pregnant can be an uncomfortable state at times. Must be even more so if one is in a cage on all fours and naked in English weather

Is Alantru a spammer? I just saw the same lengthy Santa comment on another blog.
Kevin: It shocked me as well when I found out.

Mary: Let's hope he can find other dishes to stimulate his taste buds. I wonder if he's dumped her.

Hoodchick: Would you get nekkid on all fours for a plate of fresh-fried bacon?

Alantru: I believe there's a man who follows a 'Satan Claus' cult, but I'm sure they're different people. I was once visited by a succubus of Satan, possibly in a dream, and she didn't leave me any presents. Reality TV was more her thing. Satan is a conquer-the-universe type whereas Santa is more of an ass-groper kind of guy.

Sam: Did you see her picture in the link, Sam. Very scary!

Inkspot: Elder fit! I love they way they invent these terms.

Kara: I'm looking forward to you becoming a mono-mum, Missy. I will call you "Fatty", but in an affectionate way. It will also make your butt look smaller, which will be a shame.

Gadjo: Yes, they are beautiful, your sentiment does you credit. Friday's post will be devoted to you and your compatriots.

Nursemyra: I bet it was especially uncomfortable for a svelte woman like you, Nursie. Alantru isn't a spammer, he has his own blog.
Tongue-biter lady hilarious, I loved her reaction to getting arrested.

Funny those ladies when Jamie's always banging on about using free range meat, they needed to be outside Macdonalds - but the crowd might not have been so polite I guess
I admit to a weakness for Bond, James Bond. And Daniel Craig is the man. So I for one will still risk it for him. But maybe I will not go so far as to swim in a public pool with him and his double O sperm!

I love that you find pregnant woman sexy!
Cow very frightened about this "conception by pulling out a revolver" idea.

Cow quite liking Mr. Craig, is now fearful of....liking him Too Much!

People of PETA are so damn ridiculous. I understand what they're standing for, but sometimes it's just so stupid. They've replaced their intentions of un-harming animals to harming humans (who are also animals, btw). Throwing paint on people, giving flyers to little kids saying "Your Mommy Kills Rabbits". Drastic action.
Octo-Mom is also a loony. I'm sick of all this talk about her. I don't understand why she would want that many children unless it's to satisfy her 'bitch-and puppies' fetish". Have you see her new home? Crazy bitch.
I love Daniel Craig/James Bond but I don't think he'd get me that excited I'd go into labour... some people are a little bit loopy!!
I hear ya GB. I am finding it hard to fathom, this whole pregnancy caper. Having unintentionally rendered my mate preggers, I am both puzzled and amazed at the side effects this brings about, not to mention how easy it was. Being a little 'aged' there was some trepidation as to the potential troubles linked with trying to conceive. Washing the dishes and being told "I'm pregnant" was not the way I envisaged how the process would begin. Always a pleasure reading your rantings and insights, even if they include goats.
Watch out for the greasy ones....they slip through the bars.
We owe too much to our omnivorous ancestry to give meat up just yet. Bipedalism, tool-making, co-operative working, binocular vision . . .

We've got a long way to go before we're civilised enough to follow the Gorillas down their vegetarian route. We can only aspire to those heights.

Although, the poo-eating puts me off. Even on a cold day.
Lulu: Imagine what Madame Tongue-biter thinks about the pregnant protesters! She would have bitten the pair of them in a jealous rage.

Beverly: Very wise, his sperm are licensed to impregnate. Although strangely enough, they never do.

Topiary Cow: Maybe Ms Cow will have to go on the pill before watching Mr Craig in any more Bond films.

Secret Agent: I haven't seen her new house. I assume it's a big one, paid for by her sponsor.

Sea: Hello Sea! I suggest you wait until you're pregnant before coming to a conclusion on Danny's powers.

Zuba: Many congratulations! Age doesn't matter when there's life in the old dog!

DH: I think I'd like to apply grease to their bodies. Vegetarian grease, of course.

The Jules: Start by trying a few insects, my friend. Crickets will give you all the protein you need.
Yes, they do say pigs are as intelligent as dogs. Although I can't recall exactly who they are.

Naked caged ladies on all fours look so submissive, don't they? I rather like it.
Naked caged ladies on all fours make me want to puke. Do move on.
Quite. Well said Pat.

BTW, you didn't let on you knew the Spanish Eurovision minx you admired in my last post - looks like she was an early protégée of yours!
Emerson: They were naked pregnant ladies! I think you have missed the very serious point those dedicated women were making.

Pi: Their bodies aren't that bad, surely! Or maybe you feel like puking at the mistreatment of animals about which they were protesting.

Daphne: She's an energetic little sprite! But her arms are too short and her bottom is too small for the dance she was attempting.
Mr bananas, I commend you but let me think this over
I was all set to comment that your blog is the best entertainment I've had all day, but then I read alantru's comment and now I'm all conflicted.
Hello, Madam Z! It's difficult for a humble gorilla to compete with a fellow who thinks Satan and Santa are one and the same.
Oh Daniel Craig... Having been drunk and watched Mr. Craig on the big screen before I have to say I think I felt a small twinge in the nethers... having said that, am not with child currently, so the claim doesn't hold up for all women. Mr. Bananas... I'm finding you not only have a thing for female dildo love stories but now for naked, pregnant women... I'm learning so much about you this week...;-)
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