Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The boy, his girls and Dicky Dawkins

A British teenager is desperately seeking an ugly girlfriend. Apparently he developed this peculiar yearning while watching a TV show called Ugly Betty. This gave him the idea that bespectacled girls with big teeth are good-hearted, faithful, intelligent and not that bad in the sack with the lights turned out. Unable to find a sufficiently plain Jane in the UK, he is now searching America for a facially-challenged female who will capture his heart and scare off the gophers. Amazingly enough, thousands of girls are applying for the position. I bet they all have wonderful personalities.

The boy seems amiable enough (in a goofy sort of way) and I wish him well in his quest. His behaviour is only newsworthy, of course, because it is so atypical - teenage boys generally prefer pretty girlfriends if they are in a position to choose. The importance of looks in human mate selection is quite puzzling to a gorilla, and prompts me to ask a question about the theory of evolution. If certain facial features make women more appealing, why haven’t they spread throughout the population? In search of an answer, I fired off the following e-mail to my friend Professor Dawkins:

Dear Dicky,

How’s tricks, you old pontificator! I’ve got another conundrum for you. Everyone knows that women with attractive faces get to mate with the alpha males. Look at your own wife, Lalla – being an absolute cracker enabled her to snare the most famous egghead in England. (I bet you weren’t thinking about her foraging skills when you asked her out, you sly dog!) So the question is: If being a babe is such an advantage in obtaining a good mate, why hasn’t natural selection made all girls pretty?

Your hairy jungle buddy

Gorilla Bananas

P. S. God sucks!!

The reply from Dicky was almost instantaneous:

Dear G.B.

Before I answer your question, I have one for you. Must you always be so outrageously cheeky when corresponding with me? I will always be grateful to you for saving my life in the Congo, but to presume on my gratitude by making disrespectful comments about my private life is not the behaviour of a friend. I assure you that Lalla and I have many common interests. Had I treated her as the trophy wife you imply she is, we would not still be together.

Turning to your query, which is an interesting one, I would make the following observation. Being fought over by powerful men may appeal to a woman’s vanity, but it does not necessarily translate into a successful breeding strategy. Perhaps we might discuss this further the next time you visit England?

With very best wishes

Richard Dawkins

I was about to send Dicky a reply telling him to get off his high horse and stop behaving like a sourpuss, when something in his message caught my eye. The phrase “being fought over by powerful men” was entirely of his own making – I never mentioned any such thing in my own missive. Reading between the lines, I deduced that Dicky must have jousted with a rival for Lalla’s fair hand. This “powerful man” was surely none other than Tom “Crazy Eyes” Baker, who co-starred with Lalla in a British science-fiction drama. I bet that lumbering beanpole got in a few low blows, which would explain why Lalla and Dicky haven’t had any children. His remark about “not translating into a successful breeding strategy” is another obvious clue.

I think the right thing to do, in the circumstances, is not to press Dicky for further elucidation. Better to draw a veil over these painful memories and send him a gift instead. I’ll ask the local witch doctor to prepare an invigorating balm for his reproductive organs. An injury to a man’s gonads often has a lingering psychological effect after the physical scars have healed. Let us pray that Dicky will be restored to full potency once his nuts and bolts have been properly oiled.

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Well I quite fancy him - do you think he would be up for a 'no-commitments' shag with a bloke? It is a little known fact that Tom Baker is the owner of the world largest hammock... just thought I would mention that.
Lalla Ward has had two interesting husbands. Mr Baker strikes me as a huge character (literally and otherwise) - gregarious in the extreme. Mr Dawkins ... does not.

I'm sure if that teenager spent a bit longer hunting Britain he'd find no shortage of ugly prospects. However, it wouldn't be such a newsworthy story and he wouldn't make so much money out of it. Crikey, do you think I might be becoming a tad cynical in my old age?

that youngster should pursue a career sketching criminals at large. i hate that i just used the word 'youngster'.

anyway, girls never actually think they're ugly.
I'm impressed that he only wants a woman's head, no need for shoulders or the rest of a body. Which reminds me of many men I've known.

And Richard D may be adorable in a rumpled academic type of way, but Lalla always irritated me. Too winsome in a fey way. I'd have paid RD to take her off my hands had I been TB.
Ditto Madame D regarding Lalla.
Anyhow, I like funny men and funny gorillas... who needs looks when you're laughing?
He seems to have dodged your theological observation as well.
I know perfectly well that I'm ugly, but then I'm past that lad's demographic. Teeth, glasses, got the whole bit. But I'm also cynical, zinger-prone and ruthless, not to mention a pretty dab arm-wrestler. I wonder if I should go explain to him.
While I applaud the whole 'beauty is skin deep' tact the kid is taking, I think he's in for a rude awakening.

I've known a fair number of ugly women with ugly personalities to match.
Strewth, Lalla Ward is 57 years old - she always looks 15 in photographs. Oil of Ulay, perhaps? I myself preferred Louise Jameson.

"Let us pray that Dicky will be restored to full potency" He'll appreciate that!
After experiencing gentlemens activities with both Madame D and Scarlet Blue... I'd have to sympathise with your man here.
Oh, so you're a gentleman now are you, Jimmy???
judging by that hat the young lady still has her cherry. perhaps that is why there are no progeny yet....
Mutley: You can't shag a world famous scientist just because you feel like it, Mutley. You have to meet him at a conference first.

Kitty: He does seem very choosey, doesn't he? I wonder how he'd turn a story like this into money.

Kara: So why are so many girls willing to be his girlfriend?

Madam Defarge: The thought of you being Tom Baker leaves me perplexed, Madame D. I know very little about Lalla and have only just found out that she's an aristocrat. Maybe Dicky prefers posh women.

Miss Scarlet: Well said, Miss Scarlet, you are a minx of hidden depths! I will tickle you myself when we meet.

XL: I think he agreed with me on the theological point.

Sledpress: You sound like a true alpha male. I bet Dicky would have lost if he'd fought you instead of Tom Baker.

Hoodchick: He is a bit naive, isn't he? But who are all these girls who are applying to him for dates?

Gadjo: The picture of Lalla may not be a recent one. I would like see Dicky behaving in a more macho way rather than potificating the whole time. I'm sure he could afford designer clothes and a fast car.

Mr Bastard: Maybe you should ask the boy to put you on his website so you can have the girls he doesn't want.

Nursemyra: She has lots of cherries! Maybe one for each time her virginity was surgically restored.
Madame, I was merely referring to the mowing of your lawn, and not the scything of your bush. As you so often remind me, it's not the scythe of the tool, it's what you can do with it.

Mr GB. If I wasn't a very stupid man, I'd maybe glimpse a wee smidgen of derision in your tone.

So.. it's fortunate for all that I am indeed stupid.
Now Mr Bananas knows everything there is to know about bushes and topiary. He doesn't need a scythe. He uses his teeth.
Mr. Gorilla Bananas: I think the human species suffers from an incorrigible need for monogamous, loyal relationships (which definitely explains why there are still ugly women). I believe this young pup is under the unfortunate misapprehension that ugly girls will be true and smart girls. He's not exactly a catch himself, and as soon as the chicky of his choice realizes that she's the most fabulous of the ugly, she'll be on her merry way. Humans could learn a lot from gorillas, it seems. (Are there ugly gorillas?)
Hoodchick is right. I've been told where to get off by many a ropey old bit of brass.
I agree with the other ladies, I always found Lalla very irritating and indeed stopped watching when Tom Baker was Dr Who. He always reminded me of a bull in a china shop, not the thinking, problem solving doctor at all.
because they think they are his equal (whether it's in looks or personality) and want to show him so.

or they want 15 min. of fame. famewhores.
Mr Bastard: No derision, Sir, just a practical suggestion for a practical man. You are too modest about your intellect, although it's true that the importance of cleverness is often exaggerated.

Scarlet: I use my teeth and nails, Miss Scarlet. And my palms for delivering a spanking!

Ana: You could be right, Ana, but it seems I've been unfair to the boy. He actually thinks the girl he is looking for is beautiful in an unconventional way. Here is his website. For us gorillas, a bald patch on the rump is rather unsightly.

Emerson: Maybe you need to work on your chat-up lines. Even the ropey ones don't like blokes saying "Fancy a shag, luv?".

Mrs Cake: My sources tell me that Patrick Troughton was the best doctor. He played the recorder and knew how to act.

Kara: New information has come to light since you were last here, Missy. He sees the girl he is looking for as beautiful, so no wonder they want to meet him. He explains everything in the link I put up above.
On the other hand, maybe your chum Dicky D doesn't pass muster in the bedroom because he spends too much time with his hand in his pocket? It would also explain the pinched expression.
i hope he gets an ugly girl and she sticks to him like a leech. hah.

How sweetly naive you all are. Of course he says he's looking for an Ugly Betty: but I wouldn't mind betting he's got half an idea that there are plenty of rather pretty girls that think they're ugly, and plenty of girls who'll fall for a line like that....
I don't remember her from Dr Who but she was good in the Teletubbies. I still think she's not a patch on his first wife, Joan Collins.
The boy has the depth of a saucer GB. Reminds me of a similar chap at school who only dated 'ugly girls because they are more grateful' (ie, easy) - he went on to be a gynaecologist (you couldn't make it up could you?). I'm with Scarlet & Madame on this one - long live love and laughter over looks anyday.
Tom Baker was the best Doctor Who ever, how that didn't secure Lalla's affection is baffling!

What greater thing could a man aspire to than having huge curly hair and a 24ft scarf?
I've read too many popbitch stories about Tom Baker's ridiculousness in the sack to see him as a serious contender for marriage material.

Among other little quirks, apparently he likes to shout out

Tom's coming

at climactic moments
Kyknoord: Are you suggesting that Dicky plays pocket billiards? What a scandalous insinuation to make about this distinguished man!

Nothingman: He's turned down quite a few so far, so maybe there's a method to his madness.

Autolycus: Maybe, but don't forget he's drawn a picture. Is there a pretty real-life version of the girl he's drawn?

Lady Daphne: Joan Collins? I'm racking my brains over her involvement, milady.

Kate: His appreciation of women sounds very anatomical, and we know which part of the anatomy too!

Red Squirrel: The genius of Patrick Troughton must have passed you by. He would have made Lalla miao like a cat.

Lulu: Hah, what a pillock! He obviously thinks his orgasm is an event to compare with a volcanic eruption.
I hate all teenagers equally but there is something about that kid...

I just want to crack him one.

Brilliant post! Thanks once again. This really is a fantastic blog.
Alpha female. He'd have lost, regardless.

Lulu -- It could be worse. Sadly, I recollect a gentleman who, like many gentlemen, had a name for his dearest appendage, and one dismal day shouted it out at a moment when he should have been apostrophizing either his partner or the Deity.

So many times in life, it's "back to the old drawing board." Which makes me wonder if anyone suggested art lessons for the poor sprout?
This kid just wants the attention.
Going off on a tangent as usual, I find myself getting angry at very good looking people who marry ugly people and inevitably end up with offspring that look like toads. "You have disrupted a perfectly good line of DNA!" I want to scream.

These things can even go horribly wrong with two good looking people. Demi Moore + Bruce Willis produced three girls not blessed in the looks department and one, Rumer, with a chin the size of a cliff.
I believe Mr Dawkins did cover this subject in Climbing Mount Improbable, where he expanded on his Slefish Gene theory that one need not look at the mantelpiece whilst one is occupied with stoking the fire.

I paraphrase, of course.
"P. S. God sucks!!"

I had no idea Dawkins and Romana were married until you said. The things you learn from talking apes!

I agree with the girls above! Funny men every time. By that logic surely the nation should be getting funnier through natural selection as well, not quite sure if there's any evidence for that either. Always thought that looks were a weird thing to pick a partner by, no real overt practical use for them, apart from maybe differentiating between a healthy person and someone with leprosy or something.

Great blog!
If this randy urchin is hoping to attract women that look like Ugly Betty, would he not do better to hold up a picture of Ugly Betty, rather than a drawing which looks like it's been commissioned from a remedial five-year-old?
Because, y'know, ugly women have some standards. ( Not that I'd know. I am a stunning glamour model and heiress to a porn fortune with a first class honours degree from Cambridge)
Wasn't Dawkins in "Hogan's Heroes" ? Oh no that was Dickie Dawson. Sorry. That's the Joan Collins connection.
"Unable to find a sufficiently plain Jane in the UK, he is now searching America"

Something tells me the lad is approaching this from the wrong end, with particular reference to teeth and, well, everything.
Foodhere: Apparently he's 6'4", but I'm sure he'd go down like a telegraph pole if someone smacked him in the midriff.

Sledpress: I do beg your pardon, Ms Sledpress! I believe Mr Presley called his one "Little Elvis". This boy will probably let the girl christen his one.

Emma: You've hit the nail on the head, Emma. Good looks are not inheritable because good-looking parents with similar features will have any slight irregularities magnified in their offspring. Similarly, ugly parents who are ugly in very different ways might have beautiful children.

Dramatic One: And he's getting it in spades.

Jules: Isn't that the gynaecologists' motto?

Rachel: Wonderful to see so many laughter-loving ladies commenting here. Apparently Dicky and Lalla were introduced by the late Douglas Adams. Can you really remember Romana, Rach? I thought she and Tom must have been before your time.

Woman in black: You've got a damned sexy right eye, I'll give you that. They didn't air-brush that picture, did they?

Lady Daphne: It's so easy to confuse all the Dickies, milady. Do you remember Dickie Davies? I can't be the only one who wanted to pull his moustache.

Mr Boyo: Yes, he should focus on their feet instead. Big feet and sandals will give him a female version of himself.
I think the boy is a freak.
I think Dicky is lovely. Can you introduce me?
That bit about the lumbering robots is actually his favourite passage of The Selfish Gene:

You sure do have a bunch of interesting friends, Mr. Bananas!
Autolycus is right: this kid is just fishing a whole sea of girls who will find his professed lack of interest in beauty appealing as all get out. If I were 15, I'd be tempted to write to him myself, and I was pretty cute.

This reminds me of Frederick wooing Mabel in 'The Pirates of Penzance' with his 'however plain you be' song -- and he pulled the nicest girl of all with the same stunt. Perhaps this kid is a G & S fan?
@Mr B - Douglas Adams? This really is a matted web of geeks and geekbait. I wonder who Dawkins could introduce you to!

As for knowing about Romana, yes, unfortunately too young, but as a fan of the newer Doctors, I backtracked.

Jelly baby?
And it will be awful to think I can't get to meet him :)
You want to hurt Dicky's dick?

Why would anyone want to find someone "ugly"? People aren't attracted to things that aren't physically appealing--that's why we have a word for it: ugly. If he's attracted to "ugly," then he must find his ugly pretty. Do I make sense?
So really, he's not looking for anyone ugly. He's just looking for someone he finds pretty who just so happens to look like America Ferrera (the actress who plays Ugly Betty).
Belle: Hello Belle! I will send Dicky your details if your intentions are honourable. Do you like him for his mind or is he just a bit of totty?

Deborah: I mostly share you admiration for him, Deb.

Mary: Let's see who he ends up with. If he picks a babe, we'll know he was a fraud.

Rachel: Dicky would probably want to introduce me to his friend Daniel Dennett, the conceited philosopher. Yes please, Rach, I'll have an orange one!

Mr River: The boy or Dicky? I'm sure you could meet either one if you were determined enough.

Secret Agent: Yes, you are quite right. He explains this in his website.
I nearly fell over when I saw his drawing, it's me.

Dicky, I'm here "yoohoo"
Thanks for that: Lalla and Dawkins - who knew?
Lalla was the worst assistant and Baker was the best Dr.
I liked Sarah Jane whatshername the best (Elizabeth Sladen). Can't remember who the Dr was at that point. They've made a mockery of the whole thing nowadays. God bless you Mr Gorilla Bananas.
I love you Mr. Gorilla Bananas.
Mr. Bananas,
May I call you Gorilla? You are a right lively one, you are. Any trouble with the silverbacks? Inquiring slugs want to know more about you.
As for the boy looking for love in all the ugly places - he should stop focusing on looks. Even the ugliest ugly date might get bored with him and leave right in the middle of the creme brulee. He will need to pay special attention to his intellect and personal hygiene....brush the teeth and bush up on his witty repartee before embarking on this project.
Thank you for dropping by for a spot of tea at Slug's Rest, you are welcome anytime. Regards, Mrs. Slug
Yeah kind of, green lizards and poisonious spiders freak me out, so at least I got my species right.
Joanne: You're much more attractive than that, Joanne. What happened to your old profile picture with the dominatrix look?

Pi: Glad to have enlightened you!

Dr Maroon: So what about Partick Troughton, Dr? I thought he had the face for it.

J.T.: Thank you, JT. Let's keep it platonic, though.

Babbler: Hello, Mrs Slug, you are a very gracious host. That's good advice for the boy - he shouldn't think a plain girl can be taken for granted.

Psyconym: Humans you mean? I prefer them to lizards and spiders as well.
ok ok...its your humour!
I think his search is quite admirable. Especially after seeing what lengths he's willing to go to just to find his "dream" girl. Sweet. Naive. Still sweet though.
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