Friday, February 27, 2009

Hard Times

Times are getting tough in the world of homo sapiens. A Chinese businessman, no longer able to afford his five mistresses, forced them to compete in a talent show for the position of undisputed concubine. The winning contestant, literally drunk with success, killed herself in a reckless joyride. Her grieving family then sued the businessman for hefty damages, and his wife divorced him after finding out about his affairs. When it rains, it pours, as we say in the Congo. Not that the man deserves much sympathy, of course. The ape who steals ostrich eggs should expect to have his arse pecked, as we also say in the Congo.

Some of you must be wondering why the mistresses agreed to participate in such a humiliating charade. Couldn’t they have found another Sugar Daddy? Well, although China now has many rich men, they are spread very thinly over a population of 1.5 billion. For every genuine plutocrat, there are twenty or more fakers who would jump at the chance of tricking a woman into bed. I don’t blame the mistresses for sticking with the devil they knew.

I also have a feeling that the women were actually quite fond of the fellow. Any man who can make his girlfriends compete in a game show must have a fairly persuasive manner, to say nothing of a flair for the theatrical. I suspect he may be a Chinese version of Bruce Forsyth, capable of buttering up a woman by calling her “my love” and making silly faces. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him on the panel of judges at a beauty pageant, shacking up with Miss Shanghai after the show. These smooth operators always land on their feet.

In times of economic hardship, humans are all the more eager for frivolous diversions to forget their troubles. The Great Depression was a golden age for comedians, contortionists and dwarves. No surprise, therefore, that the celebrated
toothpick-in-beard competition has made a comeback during the current financial crisis. This amusing pastime was invented by Angus “Beardy” McBeard during the Great Haggis Famine of 1889. It involves embedding toothpicks in one’s facial hair until one’s chin appears to be sprouting a hedgehog.

It is a sad sign of the times that these tournaments are now decided purely on the number of toothpicks implanted. Artistic impression and utility count for nothing. I would like to see the contestants model their creations on the great beards of history: Charles Darwin, Karl Marx, Bill Oddie, etc. The wooden whiskers might also be judged by their ability to relieve itches. People with skin conditions could rub their affected regions against them and measure the satisfaction gained until full depilation.

An economic slump is a heaven-sent opportunity for such recreations, but one person who isn’t feeling playful is President Obama. The man has spent his first month in office projecting glum faces and dire warnings to lower people’s already rock-bottom expectations. Small wonder that Bill Clinton, who knew how to party when he was in office, has been telling Barry to lighten up. What the president really needs is an upbeat song like Happy Days Are Here Again!
to bounce people out of their torpor. I would assign a bald dwarf to his bodyguard detail, whom Barry would slap on the head in Benny Hill style when the tune was playing. As John Maynard Keynes said, a recession is 80% psychology and 20% phrenology.

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Now if we could get Bruce Forsyth to fill his chin with toothpicks while all his wives and ex-wives took turns to slap his head as The Sun Has Got His Hat On played on repeat, I'd pay good money to see that.

Why am I telling you this? I'm off to call Endomol
That picture makes me want to strike a match...
Sadly, tournament officials over-reacted following the scandals involving Soviet Bloc countries voting en mass for any Eastern European sporting a "Karl Marx."
The Great Haggis Famine of 1889. A little known, but I'm quite certain, devastating event for all concerned.

I can't unsee that toothpick image, unfortunately, GB.
Please make it up to me. Give me a picture of some oh-so-fine Englishman's bum in the next post.
Doesn't Brucie hold the record for being married to more former Miss Worlds than anybody else? Forget beards, we should all gets wigs (like he's got).
Typical that the wife is suing for divorce because he kept this dirty little secret.
Damned if you tell them, damned if you don't!
me likee. Top show.
Lulu: Do you think his ex-wives have hard feelings, Lulu? The show wouldn't work unless they did. "Nice to slap me, to slap me, nice!" would be Bruce's new catchphrase.

Scarlet: I didn't think you were a beard-burner, Miss Scarlet! You are a pyromaniac!

XL: Damn Communists bring politics into everything!

Trish: I'm sorry to inflict that on you, Trish. You deserve nothing but the finest rump. Do you have a preference for Scotch or English?

Gadjo: You think Brucie has a wig?!! Shame on you for that slur, you mop-headed Carparthian! I expect you to write a post on bald Romanians as a penance.

Joe: He didn't volunteer the information, the wife only found out when he got sued. Clever fellow, though, to keep five mistresses a secret. He ought to write a book.

PALGOLAK: Me thankee!
my bodyguard detail includes two bald dwarves. I could lend Obama the female one.....
The game sounds like a lot of fun! Especially with the drinking part included, to level the odds (because one doesn't associate being slim and beautiful with the ability to drink someone under the table ;-)).
I wouldn't have believed the toothpick story without the picture! :-)
Its like they say about the 2nd World War, most of England was upbeat and shagging in air raid shelters. It is the same now. I always find recessions etc make me extraordinarily cheerful, I suppose because I am relatively unaffected. I would love to do an upbeat comedy show in a sparkly leotard that could be performed at Job Centers across England to get people's peckers up again.
Clinton was lucky. About the only thing that really sucked during his term of office was his intern.
I cannot imagine fighting for any man. This appears to be quite the wrong way around. I expect ancient mating rituals and preening. I am a prize and should be sought after. By teams of explorers with big butterfly nets mostly.
Wow! That is an amazing porcupine-like beard. I am impressed.
Surprise me, GB! Please.
Now feeling quite inspired to stick toothpicks into stuff.

They've gotta have little pieces of cheese, meat, or crackers on them though, to be seriously interesting.

Doesn't read like much of a talent show to me, not so much as a karaoke or even Simon Cowell.

Still, at least they weren't trampled by donkeys.
I think the wife is divorcing him because of the fact that he had to ditch 4 of his bitches due to a money shortage made her realize she better get what cash he still has and get the f*** out of there.
Nursemyra: Better lend him both, Nursie, it would wrong to split up a happy couple.

Eve: The mistresses did seem to enjoy it, Eve, and were also very good friends. Is there something about Chinese culture we don't understand?

Emma: My pecker is already rising at the thought your performance, Emma. Isn't it about time to post another video of yourself, speaking in your gorgeous posh voice?

Kyknoord: She did it well, too. I thought she deserved a pension from the federal government.

Madame Defarge: You are surely a modern day Queen of Sheba, Madame Defarge, who deserves to be wooed by innumerable male courtesans.

Melissa: Hello and welcome, Melissa. It's impressive, but it is art?

Trish: I will, Trish, although I can't be specific about when.

Topiary Cow: I'm glad to hear Ms Cow enjoys her nibbles!

Kevin: Simon Cowell may not be the best judge of what makes a good mistress.

Hoodchick: You're assuming the courts in China award generous alimony. I hope she hired an American lawyer!
I've had bad childhood experience with toothpicks. One of the blighters found its way up under my fingernail. A nasty business.
President Bahamas needs to cheer up sharpish. His fellow Murcans may be having a bad time but that's no reason for him to mope. He has a great house, a hot wife, a full head of hair and at least four years of jet-setting and foxy interns ahead of him. Then he gets his own library and the pleasure of sabotaging all future Democrat nominees for a decade or two. Gravy!
It's only a matter of time before women start competing. It'd be a brave man who ... etc.
Shame you didn't get a picture of that Chinese dude, he must be quite something. Was he the only jury member on the contest?
*chuckling* heehee :-) i guess they were practical women - that if he could afford 5, they were doing 1/5 of the work for a full living. and if he didn't play favourites, they could just get together for company and have one thing in common - him!. Incidentally, I just watched a comedy called 'the luckiest man', about a man with 3 wives.. (on the other hand, my 'oxford handbook of clinical medicine' explains, in its chapter on QALY - quality adjusted life year- that "1 wife is good, but 2 wives are not exactly twice as good" ;-))
Well well what an intresting view on the the world you have. The concubine story I found particulary fun. Didn't realise that was still going on in "modern" china. Goes to show even the fat cats are getting squeezed at the moment. That can only be a good thing.
The fat cat could always try Family Fortunes with the four runner up mistresses. 'Name something you mount: "A mountain.." (as someone once said). Or perhaps his ex might prefer 'Name a way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.." Our survey says ...
Emerson: Good God, man, that's a form of torture! I believe the SAS are looking for men of your mettle.

Mr Boyo: His tactic seems to be to encourage pessimism to avoid later disillusionment. It might be cunning enough to work.

Lady Daphne: I honestly never thought of that, milady! Are there many women equipped for such sport in these days of ruthless lawn trimming!

Polly: Unfortunately they didn't publish his picture, Polly. I'm sure he was the only judge - why would he let anyone else choose his mistress?

Eve: They must have gossiped and joked about him behind his back. The Chinese love to gossip, don't they! I admire their spirit in a way.

Kat: Hello and welcome, Kat. Unlike feudal China, the concubines chose their lifestyle freely. As Eve said, Chinese women can be very practical!

Kate: If only he could afford the prize money! He was quite a rogue, wasn't he? I hope his ex-wife got a decent settlement.
It seems that kinda stuff happens only in china. Given his penchant for women, the man must be least bothered or rather enjoying his wife abandoning him and going by his antics, must be planning his next orgy.

The toothpick guys could make good waiters in a restaurant. You know, ready toothpick carriers!
Thanks for this. Fascinating stuff.

I admire the Chinese man's flair! A talent contest for top concubine is inpsired. It's taking a reality show and making it a reality. I love it.

I think it should be extended to business. Hold talent shows to see who stays and who gets pink slipped!
They already do that in the English public sector, Ram! Any sign of talent and you're out on your ear.

Unless you're in a particularly evil part of the machine, in which case they make you stay just for the hell of it.
GB -- Found your blog through Red Lips. Great stuff!

For the record, I don't think the women were fond of him. It was all about being the shotgun bitch. Who wants to be the backseat concubine? Not me, that's for sure!
I bet that bloke with all the toothpicks has loads of mistresses.
goacom: A toothpick-beard waiter sounds unhygienic. Maybe if they wash their beards first.

Ram: He definitely seems like a show-business type. I hope he gets to host his own TV show.

Kevin: Maybe the English public sector would work better with former game show contestants, who've actually performed in front of the public. It might bring the bureaucracy closer to the masses.

Ana: Hello and welcome, Ana. 'Shotgun bitch' is a phrase I'd never heard before. I see you have much to teach us.

The Jules: Yeah, the porcupine fetish is quite common for women with itchy skin.
Especially hard times in China: with their thin sleek facial hair, they won’t even find relief in the toothpick-game.
"why would he let anyone else choose his mistress"... good point! How silly of me.

There must be a serious shortage of men in China.
great blog...
great commenters too sally. I feel so inadequate.
It's not easy being a concubine or a porcupine, although the latter I imagine virtually guarantees you a position in the Guinness Book of Records while the former guarantees you to feign interest in a new position every night.
I was nominally concerned about the economic downturn until I saw the man with the toothpicks. Now I'm embracing it.
Deborah: Yes, Chinese men might need to get their beards permed before playing. Having font trouble, Deb?

Polly: There is a serious shortage of rich men, Polly - in China and many other places.

Sally: Hello and thank you, Sally.

DH: Hello Dick! Nice to see you back here, appreciating the comments!

WIB: Hello and welcome. Embrace the downturn but not the man is my advice. 'The Concubine with a Porcupine' would be a good title, wouldn't it?
Times are tough indeed. Anytime a man has to cut his mistresses down to one undisputed concubine means just that. Doesn't it??????

I feel a lil short changed here. I don't even have one. That bastard deserves what he gets. =P
Your So funny! Ana told me I had to stop by. I can see why.
The Far East is a whole other planet... usually in a good way. But then not all aliens come in peace. Did I just make a very obtuse pun? That would be wrong. But then thats just me.

Silly question- Why don't you have a follower space I want to follow, but am confused. I easily am.
Static: Envy will eat up your soul, my good man. Try living vicariously instead.

Beverly: Hello and welcome Beverly. Coming in peace sounds a little bland, but at least the neighbours will get a good night's sleep. My template is a little old-fashioned, but you can follow my blog by going into the blogger dashboard and inserting its URL into the required field.
I hear ya, Mr Bananas! Fro all my smarts even i fell for a sweet-talker. Stress makes you do the stupidest things!!!! Woe....
'I also have a feeling that the women were actually quite fond of the fellow. Any man who can make his girlfriends compete in a game show must have a fairly persuasive manner',

Hugh Hefner leaps to mind.
I wish I was allowed to compete in that comp. Fuck, what a prize. I'd do anything to be with a man that loved me enough to make me compete like some fucking hired jester.
i think the tables might soon turn. Aren't there something like 110 men for every 100 women in China now because of the one-child-only policy leading to female infanticide?

I sure wouldn't like to pick a fight with that fella! Ahahahahaha.

Sabrina: Oh dear, Saby! Better luck next time I hope!

Pi: You have anticipated the next post, which is quite an achievement.

Insults: Heh! But maybe he was just trying to be fair by giving all the women a chance.

Sam: Are you scared of toothpicks, Sam?
Well, it takes all kinds...

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