Friday, February 13, 2009

Hamburger girl

A young woman from Texas has made a hamburger-shaped bed in honour of her favourite food.

“Not only does it make me smile, it is insanely comfy,” says Miss Kayla Kromer.

The word “insanely” seems peculiarly apt in the circumstances. When I showed her photo to the manager of the safari camp, he couldn’t believe that this slender female was a fan of fast food. I assured him it was possible.

“She must have a high metabolism,” I said. “I bet she spends the whole day fidgeting like a ring-tailed lemur. Probably loves domestic chores as well. She’d make some lucky man the perfect wife if she weren’t off her rocker.”

On further reflection, I’d say she has the look of a bullfighter’s lady about her –
dark hair, smouldering eyes and grasping hands. It would be fitting, in a purely poetic sense, for her husband to kill the animal that she enjoys to eat. Picture the scene after a bullfight. Toreador Big Macarlos accepts the plaudits of the crowd before strutting off with a bovine ear stuffed in his pocket. Kayla, his dutiful burger-munching wife, follows him into the changing room to help remove his excessively tight trousers. Hot with desire, he pushes her up against a wall.

“You want your meat rare or well done?” he growls breathlessly.

She stares back at him defiantly before replying with haughty audacity:

“I want it in a sesame-seed bun with onions and relish!”

Inflamed by this sensual banter, they consummate their mutual hunger with fries and a milkshake.

Of course, there’s a lot more to being a woman of the world than getting into bed with a hunky piece of meat. In my circus days I was privileged to attend a lecture from Miss Nancy Nantucket, the burlesque queen, who would have swirled her tassels scornfully at the burger bed. As well as sleeping au naturale, Nancy dispensed with the encumbrance of blanket or sheet. This, she explained, allowed her pores to breathe as she slumbered.

“Don’t you get cold?” asked one of the clowns.

“I keep an electric fan heater on,” she explained. “My sleeping arrangements are similar to Queen Nefertiti, whose slaves wafted warm air from a fire over her nude body.”

“She slept naked in front of her slaves!” exclaimed the clown. “I bet some of them copped a feel of her nefertitties when they had the chance!”

“You silly man!” rebuked Nancy. “Her male slaves were eunuchs and her female slaves were not that way inclined. Lesbianism wasn’t invented until 600 BC.”

The cheeky clown was silenced by the stripper’s superior grasp of history, demonstrating the value of a liberal education in all walks of life.

Miss Kromer’s eccentric behaviour is quite charming in its way, but I hope she is similarly able to fend off the mockers and sneerers who will bedevil her path to fame. If she lacks the erudition of Miss Nantucket, she should acquire a repertoire of stock phrases to admonish those who would attempt to ridicule her. “Supersize me!” would be a good one. It’s not the most obvious insult, I admit, but it would sound pretty hostile in the right tone of voice. She could also use it to talk dirty to her husband if he needed encouragement after a hard day at the bullring. The versatility of language is a divine blessing for those of a limited vocabulary.

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You're right, she doesn't look like a fan of the burger (well, eating them anyway).

As an old university aquaintance used to say - better a burger than a badly packed kebab.

Never was sure what he meant....
Personally, I rather have a burger king than a big mac, but the chance to go large for a small consideration is something that I suspect many wish for.
It may simply be a misunderstanding on her part after someone told her to get her buns into bed.
Nice post, gorilla. Entertaining, amusing, witty - very pleasant early morning reading for me :-) I especially liked the changing room exchange - LOL!
On another note, that IS a nice looking bed. I guess she could sell it now, or invest in making all the other kinds of food (fries shouldn't be so hard!)
I've got some meat to push between HER baps!

*Sigh*. It's not quite the same since Lord Likely died...
I'm curious, Mr. B. Does your (doubtless accurate) assumption of her limited vocabulary stem from her, er, geographical specificity?

Last week on the train to Boston, a gentleman with a distinct New England curve to his American asked me if I found his countryment limited in their use of language. I hastened to assure him this wasn't remotely the case. From them, I told him, I've learnt at least three different ways of saying "whatever", to invest it with three very different states of mind. No mean feat, that, and just one example of many, too.
You're right, she is a saucy-looking individual. I wonder if she has red pyjamas?
That was my first thought, too, when looking at the photo: she is much too thin to be a hamburger eater! It must be her youth that allows her to munch burgers and remain thin.

I truly enjoyed the dialogue between Miss Nancy Nantucket and the clown.
Maybe we should all sleep in beds made in the shape of our favourite fast food. Tacos, burritos, etc would be good if you're long and thin, and hopefully you like pizza if you're a tubster.
"Inflamed by this sensual banter, they consummate their mutual hunger with fries and a milkshake."

Quite right too. I'm never satisfied until the milkshake comes.
Red Squirrel: Interesting saying - sounds like something Socrates might have said.

Madame Defarge: I'm sure a lady of your self-control has never asked to be supersized, Madame Defarge. And you are quite right to prefer Burger King, Dr Whipsnade recommends the Angus.

XL: It might well have given her the idea for the burger bed.

Eve: Thanks, Eve! Maybe a Jacuzzi in the shape of a milkshake would be the next step. I can't think of an non-vulgar use for fries.

Mr Fanton: As his lordship's manager, I hope that you will endeavour to keep his spirit alive.

Rimi: To be honest, I was a little guilty about the final sentence. I tried to find out more about her from her Facebook profile, but she didn't reply to my invitation.

Kyknoord: Check out the her Facebook picture (linked above). She likes red!

Saintly Nick: She dealt with the clown's vulgar cheek very well, didn't she!

Gadjo: Good ideas! How about a chicken vindaloo bed for those who like hot sex?

Scarlet: I'm always buying you a Diet Coke, Miss Scarlet. I prefer you a little hungry.
I wonder if I should sleep in a spring roll?
Yeah, my American friends tell me they think about burgers and cheese and relish when in bed as well - with or without a man - that's what they Americans do. Personally I'd think that's a little too distracting, I like to give my full attention to one thing at a time, but perhaps that's a question of taste.
Rather turns Paul Newman's quote on its head GB (why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?) Kayla may not be as saucy in 20 years when they're winching her out of her hamburger through the window ... still lovin' it?
oh dear Gorilla...I am taking you to task for subliminal advertising...are you sponsored by McDonalds? all I know is that I have a craving for a Big Mac with those wierd pickles inside of them.
Of course a "bed shaped like a hamburger" could be a bed shaped like a strapping young man from Hamburg.
Which would make more sense.

Are you sure this is a real photo of Miss Kromer, and not some stock photograph a lazy sub-editor swiped off the 'net ?
Good idea to have a round food-shaped bed - if your tastes mature it's simple to change the bed linen and it can become a giant chocolate gateau or a pancake.

I now feel very silly that I had my bed constructed to resemble a knickbocker glory.
Have u ever considered writing erotic novels Mr Bananas? A deprived gal like me could do with a good one!
Nursemyra: I'm sure you'd taste good, Nursie!

Polly: Maybe they're thinking about the post-coital snack. It could be what keeps them motivated.

Kate: Let's hope she acquires a taste for rice cakes and tofu before she hits 30.

Emma: You sound as if you're preggers, Emma!

Che: It's her all right. Have a look at her Facebook profile.

Lulu: Can you sleep in an upright position, Lulu? That's actually rather sexy.

Sabrina: I'd prefer to write an erotic play with you in a starring role, Saby.
Just checked her FacialBloop photo.

Was immediately drawn to the "not the Kayla Kromer you were looking for" link underneath.

Dear God. Four of them.

I'm going to have a little lie down now.
oh shit....yeah I did have a really big craving for Big Macs the last time I was up the duff. You might be onto something!
Sleeping au naturale is the best if you ask me...


Happy Valentine's Day GB Darling!
I sleep in a shed. I suppose I ought to mould my food into the shape of a 15'x7' wooden structure with a fucked bike and a stack of 1950s porn in it.
That looks like a really well made bed. I'm sure she could go into buisness doing this.
Have you seen the sort of thing Ghanaians get buried in?
Insane is right, you know it's not all there when your main ambition in bed is to impersonate a fried onion.
Good grief, even a waif like me would have trouble staying in that bed. One roll and you're off the edge. And where on earth would Ruf sleep? As a vegan and dedicated antiMacca, there's no way he'd consent to lying on that unless I remove the patty - which would make life mighty uncomfortable.
Che: Hah! I thought a couple of them may have been the same person.

Emma: I could tell by sniffing you, Emma, but you'll have to use a kit in my absence.

Sweet Cheeks: Hope you had a good one, Mrs Cheeks!

Mr Boyo: It would make a pretty interesting cake - I'd make the porn stash out of marzipan.

Dave Bones: Daphne Wayne Bough's late husband was actually buried in Ghana in a beer bottle. I wish she was here to tell you herself.

Rachel: Do you think she wants to be the onion, Rach? I was thinking a slice of gherkin.

Mrs Cake: You and Ruf would have a strawberry milkshake bed. You could get him in the mood by doing a pole dance on the straw.
wow, but i guess a hamburger bed would be more comfy than say a salad bed, got no substance :)
She's quite bizarre!

When she lays in it, she probably looks like an odd piece of sausage stuck in the middle, or worse, a turd!
Here I am. Yes indeed I have seen that coffin shop in Temu, just outside Accra. I told the tale of Harold's funeral a couple of years ago but it's worth reading again. Perhaps the young lady will have a coffin made to match her bed when her arteries give out.
When she becomes a vegetarian it looks as if there is a green ruffly sheet in there she can salvage.

Inspiring post, Sir Gorilla!

Next project: a giant coke jacuzzi!
Not only do I sleep upright Mr Bananas but I wear a red busby to emulate the cherry - Do you find that sexy too?
Emmaxx: That depends on the type of salad, young lady. Potato and pumpkin could be quite comfy. And cucumbers if they're sliced.

Miss Smack: Maybe she could pass herself off as a french fry if she slept in the nude.

Lady Daphne: I fancy she'd prefer to be cremated in a giant barbecue, milady.

Topiary Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow! There's also a tomato pillow in there!

Deborah: Very bubbly, but a possibly a little too acidic.

Lulu: I'm more of a lychee ape, Lulu, but I'd settle for a nibble of your cherry.
That bed is merely vulgar. When I stayed at the Kempinski in Hamburg, the chambermaid was anxious to tell me that Yehudi Menuhin and Cher had "also been in your bed". I was sanguine about it, as usual. Noblesse oblige.
I expect they had washed the sheets since the VIPs had slept on it, Mrs Pouncer, so there was no cause for excitement.
Oh, right, Mr. B. I don't owe you any explanations at all. But if you want to know what do I wear in bed when I'm cold, the answer is, Chanel n.5 of course!
"So far I haven't heard a complain from my matador" You see I'm all naturale.

Yours truly
The hamburger/supersize me girl.
I would be so happy if this were really you, Kayla, but I'm not believing it until you accept me as your Facebook friend. If it is you, I love your new picture.
I contacted Kayla and she said she never left a comment here, you damned impostor!
Somehow, I can't see Kayla wearing Chanel n°5.
On a bed shaped like a burger - it'd be beyond tasteless.
Bit like a burger, really.
That burger has made your write up into fabulous poetry full of wisecracks. Wonder what Kayla would do if you came upfront with your one-liners . I wonder if she could see meat in your tongue .albeit it is at at the other end of good hope.
Thank you, goacom. It might interest you to know that Kayla has not only read this post but also linked it in her Facebook site. I have exchanged e-mails with her and she seems to be a very nice young woman.
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