Monday, February 09, 2009

Cupid's aerosol

I hear that scientists are developing a nose-spray for human couples who’ve fallen out of love. The idea is to trick the brain into feeling gooey emotions, so that passions will be re-ignited and marital bed-springs will be tested to breaking point. It sounds like the greatest thing since penicillin, but I wonder if they’ve thought through all the consequences. How do they know that the couple will feel attraction for each other rather than the next-door-neighbour or the family pet? Do they have to make eye-contact while snorting the love mist?

Another worry is that the treatment might cause them to sneeze, which can have strange effects on the human brain. Back in my circus days, a young lady who worked with the big cats frankly admitted that she found sneezing more enjoyable than sex.

“It’s all so quick and easy,” she explained. “You get the build-up, the climax and the release… and it’s all done in a few seconds. Much better than lying on your back and hoping that the bloke who’s drilling you will eventually strike oil.”

I nodded sympathetically.

“Sexual gratification is surely a hit-and-miss affair for women,” I said. “However sneezes sometimes fail to discharge when you feel them coming. I have a terrible sense of anticlimax when that happens to me.”

“So you do know how a woman feels when a man can’t satisfy her!” she quipped. “You can always make sure of your sneezes with a bit of powder up the nose.”

“True enough,” I conceded. “But before settling down with a pepper pot, perhaps you should consider whether you’re meeting the right sort of man.”

“I generally assume the ones who paw me will be tigers in the sack,” she mused. “Are there differences between men and big cats then?”

“Their fingernails for a start,” I said. “You have made the mistake of applying ideas from the workplace to your private life. I suggest you judge future suitors by their virile qualities rather than their feline ones. Looking for the inner tiger in a man sounds like a futile quest.”

“What about the inner gorilla?” she said smirking.

“That is somewhat less futile,” I replied, “but beware of chest-thumping impostors.”

I am pleased to say that the woman did find a man who was able to satisfy her carnal needs, and he was nothing like a big cat. More of a sly dog with a slobbering tongue, in fact. Be that as it may, they lived happily ever after without the need for nose sprays, pepper pots or other olfactory stimulants.

The moral of the story is that scientific advances should be viewed with a healthy dose of scepticism. The boffins may claim that squirting stuff up your nose is a miracle cure for this or that, but the practice may open up a Pandora’s box of unforeseen side-effects. This caveat notwithstanding, human parents who worry about their teenage daughter being impregnated by Jimmy the Bozo might consider giving her a box of snuff for her birthday. Those sexually repressed Victorians knew how to savour their sneezes.

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These scientists obviously did not watch a lot of cartoons growing up, or else they would know that a "cupid's arrow" or "love potion" inevitably leaves the person smitten with the wrong target of desire.

And even if it did work, do we really want to artificially tinker with love and sexual attraction? If I don't like someone anymore, than damn it, I don't want to be forced to want them.
Dear Mr Banana

Thank you for visiting my blog recently. I enjoyed reading your thoughts on chemically aided sex. In my day if we wanted the opposite sex to appear more attractive then we just drank more, but I guess that's considered passe now.
I'm always sneezing. I know how to have fun... and I'm quite free and easy with my pepper pot.
It did always used to be love potions from Tristan and Isolde right through to the beery disco days. A nose pump lacks romanticism - but fit of sneezing does sound like a good contraceptive though, top idea
I substituted cayenne for aftershave. So far, the only results have been sniffles and first-degree burns on my neck. Field testing continues.
Sneezing: “so quick and easy... You get the build-up, the climax and the release". Indeed, I find that all processess that eject something from the body are like sex. Excessive flatulence is therefore a delight rather than an embarassment and I look forward keenly to incontinence.
a good dump is even more satisfying than a fart Gadjo Dilo. So I've been told anyway. Nurses don't fart or dump, we just excrete rose petals occasionally
Chris: But are you really sure you like someone with all the chemical being released in your brain? Maybe you should let a computer choose your partner and then sniff the love-spray.

Fat Cat: Hello Mr Cat. I believe the smell of cash is quite attractive to certain women, as you must know.

Scarlet: I'd like to give you multiple sneezes, Miss Scarlet. We have plenty of spicy powders where I live.

Lulu: Are you getting the most out of your sneezes, Lulu? They can be so much more than a contraceptive.

XL: You've got to get it right up the nose, amigo. Don't be shy.

Gadjo: Farting provides the release, but it doesn't have the heart-stopping climax of a sneeze. As for incontinence, that's only enjoyable for the plants you water.

Nursemyra: Do you sneeze, Nursie? I'd like to watch you have big one.
These scientists aren't doing this research for anyone's benefit but their own, they're not stupid. And they are particularly careful not to share their response-measuring equipment.
Sneezing certainly is underrated. I once had a teacher who used to tell our class how to 'avoid sneezing'. We were advised to look at a light when we felt one coming on, or put a finger across the base of our noses to 'suppress the urge'. I completely ignored her. Idiot.
How exciting! Aldous Huxley's Brave New World is so close I can almost smell it.
This sounds about as erotic as a Vicks advert GB. One step away from Barbarella's magic pill?
I'm not quite sure what happens in our office, as we all seem to sneeze at the same time. I always sneeze three times or more. Guess I'm lucky that way.
Mr Bananas, if you've ever shared a bed with me (and I'm fairly sure that you haven't) then you'll be aware that farting can provide the "heart-stopping climax of a sneeze". It's just that, as with avant-guard classical music, you have to have more patience during the pauses.
Sneezing is a big turn-off IMO. Not just from an infection POV but the thought the the sneezer is really enjoying themselves.
Inkspot: Are you implying that scientists would use a nose-spray as a seduction tool? How would they get it up their victim's nose unnoticed?

Mary: That sounds like sneezus interruptus to me, and I'm sure it's bad for the health.

Kyknoord: Holding your nose would be an act of civil disobedience.

Kate: It does take the magic out of romance, yet it might be worth trying to save a marriage. Have you ever got any pleasure from a sneeze, Kate?

Madame Defarge: I would be amazed if a woman of your sensuality sneezed fewer than three times, Madame Defarge.

Gadjo: Mrs Dilo is very tolerant not to banish you to the floor during one of those pauses.

Pi: It's never too late to acquire a taste for it. Powder-induced sneezing should not be infectious.
"The moral of the story is that scientific advances should be viewed with a healthy dose of scepticism. The boffins may claim that squirting stuff up your nose is a miracle cure for this or that, but the practice may open up a Pandora’s box of unforeseen side-effects."

I agree.

Nature doesn't always take kindly to interference.
"Looking for the inner tiger in a man sounds like a futile quest"

that's what I've been doing wrong all these years
I have traded on them fancying the pet for years!
what of sneezing during sex? the ultimate? or annoying?
Sidhu: Yes, Mother Nature can be a cruel dominatrix.

Polly: Didn't Elvis Presley sing that tigers "play too rough"? I'm not suggesting you should look for a Teddy Bear though.

Mutley: That's arguably a form of pet abuse.

<Kara: That sounds like sensory overload, Missy, but I give you permission to experiment. It could be interesting if you timed it right.
Oh, hell, GB, this is nothing new. Several years ago a friend of mine turned me onto a similar substance which is also inhaled nasally, and makes women absolutely adore you (especially strippers, for some reason).

It was pretty pricey, though, as I recall. And it was also quite illegal (which struck me as odd, considering how popular the substance was among members of the law enforcement community).
Having recently had a bad cold Mr B , I rather think the young lady was completely deranged . Having sneezed about 500 times before breakfast , I can confirm that if that was supposed to be something like sex of us aint doing it right
With my infamously strong pelvic floor, a sneeze during sex could be disastrous!

As to using such a spray to save a marriage, I suspect in the early stages of a problem, it might be very helpful if it could be guaranteed to work with the correct partner. Personally, I think there comes a point where just feeling attracted to the other person sexually is only the tip of the iceberg and it would require a whole change of mindset to salvage the sinking ship.
The eternal quest for the ultimate aphrodisiac... sigh...
Apparently, people from all over the world believe that gorilla brains have the same effect as this nasal spay, according to Richard Burton (the 19th century scholar and Middle East explorer, not the actor).
I sneeze so much that I have soggy sleeves.
"Beware of chest-thumping impostors"

Now that, GB, is the best advice ever given. (Cow embroidering nice wall-hanging of this)

Captain Smack: Why would a woman adore a man because of what he was sniffing? It sounds like some kind of mental illusion. Men often mistake pity for adoration.

Beast: Sneezing when you are ill is a different kettle of bogie. When you've shaken off the cold, try sniffing some pepper.

Mrs Cake: Yes that's true. There's no point flogging a dead horse. You've got to do it while it's still in the race.

Deborah: Hello Deborah! That pervert Burton is well-known to us gorillas - he tried to rape one of our females. She taught him a lesson by circumcising him with her teeth.

Scarlet: No need to boast, little lady!

Topiary Cow: I hope you will soon meet the genuine article, Ms Cow.
Serves him right!
It worked out OK for him, Deb, because he needed to disguise himself as a Muslim to gatecrash the Mecca event. He later claimed he circumcised himself, the macho idiot.
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