Friday, January 30, 2009

Torpedoes armed and ready

An Australian submarine commander has been reprimanded for suggesting that female sailors wear bikinis to attract male recruits. Quite right too. I’m sure the young men of his nation were deeply offended by the notion that they’d spend weeks inside a giant sardine tin merely to ogle a few dolly birds. They could do that at Bondi Beach without the inconvenience of having to inhale each other’s farts. In any case, it is a noble tradition that the crew of a warship should bottle their libido while at sea. The economy of many port cities depends on hordes of sexually frustrated sailors painting the town red during their shore leave, lured to excess by the tarts and nymphomaniacs who congregate for their arrival.

If the Australian navy is short of manpower, the prospect of combat at sea might attract a few red-blooded volunteers. Australia’s natural enemy is New Zealand, whose sportsmen have been getting away with murder for far too long, taunting
their antipodean rivals with obscene chants and gestures. I’m not sure whether New Zealand has a navy, but the Aussies could easily ram a few of their merchant ships while jeering in larrikin style. The coup de grâce would be a daring amphibious raid on enemy territory, taking a large number of sheep captive. The Kiwis would surely raise the white flag after such a bitter humiliation.

After subjugating New Zealand they should turn their attention to Malaysia. The
former prime minister of that country is continually insulting Australians, calling them “roughnecks”, “white men” and other derogatory terms. He is clearly a madman in need of a strong dose of gunboat diplomacy. I would advise them to send a couple of destroyers to bombard his mansion with cans of Australian beer, a greatly feared beverage in that part of Asia. He’ll think twice before shooting off his mouth after his hair has been shampooed with a gallon of tepid Castlemaine XXXX. Sadly, the current administration in Canberra probably lacks the nerve to order such an expedition. The stomach for a fight seems to have withered since John “The Sheriff” Howard was deposed from high office.

One nation Australia should never go to war with is the old colonial master – the conflict would be far too one-sided. The gutless spirit of today’s Royal Navy was seen in the
capture of its sailors by the wild-eyed crazies of the Iranian speedboat flotilla. The hostages sung like canaries during their interrogation, and even attended a farewell burka-and-turban party before their release. Lord Nelson would have bitten the fingers of his remaining hand to witness those craven youths pay homage to the hairiest beards of the Islamic Republic.

The only British mariner captured during the Battle of Trafalgar was Able Seaman Noah Dogsworth, unluckily knocked cold by an enemy marine. When a French officer tried to kiss his cheeks before his repatriation, Dogsworth rebuffed the Gallic upstart with a bite to the nose.

“Blast yer arse from a cannon!” he shouted. “Give me biscuit weevils and stale piss for supper afore corrupting me with yer Frenchy ways!”

The spirit of Dogsworth surely lives on in the proud island race from which he sprung –
but not alas in the Queen’s Navy.

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I'm just packing my trunk for two weeks in the nearest Port City....
And remember, sex isn't a sin. Round these parts it's a bloody miracle!
A satisfactorily mystifying post, Go. B. Russell Crowe, shown in command of HMS Windyguts or whatever, is a New Zealander. Is he leading her into battle against HMAS Melbourne (the only Commonwealth naval vessel to sink two friendly ships in peacetime; thank you, Arlington) or has the projectionist switched the reels on us? In any event, all 3 navies are the Queen's.

I look forward to further obfuscation on these points.
Cow wondering whether Iran ever gave back UK's ships.

Guessing, NOT!

When the rules of engagement mean nations running scared, contstrained by the fear of causing an "incident" they should be changed.

Or, at least let the bikini-clad women run the ships. At least THEY know how to play "hard to get" and would have given the Iranians a run for their money.

Well written, Sir. I question but one phrase in your treatise: “it is a noble tradition that the crew of a warship should bottle their libido while at sea.” Have you never heard of a sailor having a “sea wife?”

I once mentioned that phrase to a grizzly, old, retired Marine of the Korean War era, who happened to be homophobic to the extreme. He held his breath and turned such a deep shade of red-blue that I fear he would explode. He obviously knew what the term means. And I wondered how.
Saintly Nick said...
Have you never heard of a sailor having a “sea wife?”

I think the don't ask, don't tell rules applied to that conversation.
exactly how many female sailors are out there ? There aren't many at least on trading ships or the number of accidents during the midnight watch would be lot lesser. Its always easy to tell that there is a woman on the water in any area of 100 sq miles by the cackle on Vhf radio, 3rd officers often of exotic nationalities in their inability to contain their excitement emit stranger sounds than would ever be heard in an African rainforest.
It would be indeed be a wise policy to attract more women to the navy and probably should be included as a requirement in Safety of Life at Sea protocls.
You've got a worthy adversary there in Mr Inkspot, Bananas! "Noah Dogsworth" sounds like a totally made up name, but maybe everybody was called something like that back in those days.
Scarlet: No you're not, Miss Scarlet! I'm going to spank your naughty bottom for even considering such an idea!

Simon: Hello Simon. Do you live in a retirement home then?

Inkpot: Crowe may be a New Zealander, Inkspot, but he'd be too ashamed to play an naval officer of his own country (if indeed such a person exists). The scene portrayed shows him with Dogsworth on a doughty English vessel.

Topiary Cow: I'm sure you're right, Ms Cow. Of course they would never dare to attempt such stunts with an American vessel for reasons too obvious to mention.

Saintly Nick: A few "sea hookers" would have been better idea so the goods were fairly shared. These days macho men can keep a clean conscience by using sex dolls.

Mrs Cheeks: For all we know the man might have been a sea wife himself.

K Kontiki: Hello, Mr Kontiki. In Nelson's day it was thought to be bad luck to have a woman on board, but in these more enlightened times many western navies are recruiting female sailors. This innovation is not popular with the wives of male crewmen.

Gadjo: Noah Dogworth is right before your eyes in his mutton-chop whiskers!
Dear gorilla bananas. Hmmm I thought the Eastern Isles were already part of Australia. Our eastern most state.
thanks for linking to the Haka Mr Bananas. I LOVE LOVE LOVE watching the Haka. Makes me proud to be a kiwi
I don't know if having hot babes on a submarine would boost morale or not, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the Australian military will continue to stay focused on these types of conflicts, and not suddenly decide to take over the world. Between the dinner-plate-sized spiders, the 23 different kinds of poisonous snakes, the legendary drop bears, and the giant, man-eating dingos, these are some of the toughest roughneck's on the planet.

Hell, England probably couldn't take over Compton.
My old mate Roberta L. Hazard used to say how tired she'd get of being a commander in the Navy - all she really wanted to do was sit around in a farty submarine in her frillies
perhaps they protested the bikini idea because they had seen the shapes of the persons willing to do it? can't believe they would expect sex...out on a the middle of the ocean...with no place to run...booze on board...small quarters...who in their right mind...
Why mess with tradition? Naval types have always seemed to manage without dollybirds (scurvy and rickets aside). Perhaps you've read George Melly's 'Rum, Bum & Concertina' Mr B?
The plot thickens - could a true Brit speak so of the King's Navee?
As for sex at sea - why do you think sailors were adjured to 'show a leg'?
Ms Moi: You'd better learn to do the Haka before making such a controversial claim.

Nursemyra: I didn't know you were a Kiwi, Nursie! Did you notice it was the "new style" Haka?

Captain Smack: Yes, Aussies are great scrappers. Their low frontal lobe activity keeps them cool in stressful situations. (This is not an insult, it doesn't mean they're stupid.)

Lulu: Was Rear Admiral Hazard really a fart sniffer? It's not unheard of for a woman, but it's definitely an acquired taste.

Daisy: A warship is no place for women, Daisy. Let the men mate with dolphins if they're that desperate.

Kate: I haven't read it, but I can guess what a book by George Melly was about, the old queen!

Pi: Noah Dogsworth? He was hard on the French but never spoke a word against the Royal Navy.
Add Friggin' in the Riggin' as the musical accompaniment and I think the Aussie skipper may be onto something.
If the Australian navy is short of manpower, this is what they need:

Ching Shih: Terrorized China Sea in the 19th century and a brilliant female sailor. Commanded 1800 ships and about 80,000 pirates.

Anne Bonney: She took what she wanted and never made apologies. Fine girl.

Mary Read: When men refused to come out of the hold to fight. Mary shot them down.

Honcho-Lo: Youthful, pretty and bloodthirsty.

Lady Mary Killigrew: not the usual housewife's pirate.
The Royal Navy abandoned an experiment in the 90s of mixed-sex crews after every single female sailor came back pregnant from a tour of duty in the gulf.

Even the lesbian one, who had apparently been happily 'turned'.

A lesson there for us all.
i would totally wear that bathing suit. it's adorable.

that's what you were asking, right?
A lesson there for us all.
"Sex is great"
Gb - I do love a gentleman in a naval uniform and I wonder if you ever had occasion to sport one when in the circus? The combination would have kept me in vapours for many a long day.
They don't make sailors like they used to, that's for sure. I say bring back sailing ships, grog, and ship's biscuits (with weevils), and there'd be some real improvements in attitude.
XL: Is that a Gene Kelly number?

Anonymous: An impressive list of female buccaneers, but would they have worn bikinis?

Red Squirrel: Well a lot of lesbians are AC-DC, I assume she was more femme than butch.

Kara: Didn't we agree that you should stick to one-piece bathing suits, Missy? We need to keep a record of these decisions so you don't backtrack.

Madame Defarge: I don't recall ever wearing one, Madame D, but I would certainly do so to bring a flush to your fair cheeks.

Mary: Maybe there's still hope for the Australian Navy. "You'll never take me alive" is a line in their national song.
Female sailors in bikinis on a submarine???
Gives a new meaning to the term "up periscope".
Australia should never go to war with Brits because we would kick ass!!! And wearing bikinis!
Wow, you're right! I'd never even considered the implications there.
If only Nelson were around to deal with those Somalian pirates who've been stealing oil tankers.

All their tech-smarts would be no match for his Iron Balls smashing into their faces.

A mighty teabagging that would be.
Joe: That kind of double-meaning might cause confusion in the heat of battle.

Polly: Haha! I think you should be made Captain of the first all-female bikini-wearing crew!

Mary: The Aussies are tough nuts.

Nelson: I believe he called it 'The Nelson touch'. It didn't sound gay in 1800.
Mr Ape, NZ alas hardly has a navy any more, or an airforce and only the remnants of an army, so trantasman sports rivalry has to suffice for young men aiming for combat glory. (Although one of ours with the SAS did win a VC in Afghanistan, as promptly did one of theirs.)
Our last naval purchase, received with fanfare is now carrying oranges in the Med...never mind we've always got the All Blacks, Kiri te Kanawa and Russell Crowe...
You're lucky you said Scrappers and not slappers then buddy, or I would have unleashed a whole aussie can of whoop-ass on your good self.
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