Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Intimate souvenirs

Are you fond of a mystery? I’m puzzling over the identity of the pervert who paid $5,300 for Scarlett Johansson’s used tissue. After blowing her nose on the Jay Leno show, she put the item in a sealed bag which was auctioned on e-Bay. In this commercial age, the snot of a beautiful actress is a highly marketable commodity in the deviant ghoul community. My prime suspect is that filthy devil El Barbudo, who once confessed to having erotic fantasies about women with runny noses. I should imagine the bearded degenerate would immerse the tissue in a slimy gel to create a poultice for his private parts. It might go some way to abating the savagery of his sexual urge.

Another possibility is that that a mad scientist has acquired the tissue to extract Miss Johannson’s DNA and create an unspecified number of Scarlett clones. He would indoctrinate them from birth to conform to his evil plans, no doubt involving wanton promiscuity and the exposure of copious milky-white flesh (unlike the real Miss Johannson). Horse-whipping is too good for these modern-day Frankensteins.

Not everyone is obsessed with mucus, of course. I know from experience that the intimate possessions of a performing artist are like gold dust to his (or her) fans. In my circus days, a young woman once offered me a tidy sum for the pantaloons I wore during my act. As I had several spares, I could have borne the loss with equanimity. However my suspicions were aroused by her large breasts, which she seemed to be flaunting at me.

“What do you want them for?” I asked, referring to the pantaloons.

“They’re for my boyfriend,” she answered.

“Are you sure his bottom is big enough?”

“Oh yes, he’s got a huge arse. And he’s really big and hairy, like a…um…bear.”

“Won’t he be worried that people will laugh at him? They’re not really the latest thing in men’s fashion.”

“He’ll only put them on when we’re alone. I’ll cut a slit in the crotch so he can shag me while he’s wearing them.”

As you can imagine, I wasn’t too impressed by her readiness to rip apart the groin of one of my nattiest garments.

“Is that so?” I said sternly. “And what will you be thinking of when he ravishes you in the trouser-wear you have so casually desecrated?”

Her only response to this question was to giggle hysterically and punch me repeatedly in the arm. This caused me little pain, but I felt it lacked the reverence due from a true devotee. When she had calmed down, I asked an errand boy to fetch me a notebook and pencil.

“Here is the name of a theatrical supplier who sells the pantaloons,” I said, handing her a chit. “I trust this will be adequate for your purpose. I cannot involve myself in human mating practices, however indirectly.”

“But they won’t smell the same!” she protested.

“Smells are for flowers, baby!” I declared in the voice of a Harlem gangster, waving my hand to dismiss her from my presence.

Smells are very important, of course, but one shouldn’t hand them out to fans like autographs. It will be a cold day in the Congo before anyone bottles my essences.

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Mr B - while you would undeniably be a draw in whatever attire you sport, I cannot imagine that I would wish to imagine disporting in such pantaloons. I would wish to see stars, not spots.

I will happily provide used hankerchiefs to passing admirers. If they will wash and return pressed. Naturally.
GB Darling...get rid of all those old pantaloons and get some new ones - with a crotch in them. (Velcro might be nice.)What if you were overcome with the need to 'relieve yourself' during the show? :)
Another possibility is that that a mad scientist has acquired the tissue so he can extract Miss Johannson’s DNA and create an unspecified number of Scarlett clones

Oops... we've been rumbled..
But... think how much money you could make to help the Congo refugees by selling your bottled essences
How refreshing, GB - no pictures of naked women. I'd like to see you in Harlem gangster mode - you wouldn't need the fur coat, just a big hat and plenty of bling. And spats, of course. Any Harlem gangster worth his salt wore spats. You would have been known as Jimmy "da ape" Bananas.
*sigh* I'd give a lot to sniff your drawers Mr Bananas
when i first heard the tissue bidding incident i was truly amazed...and to think there are people who are homeless...people who are starving...all over the world and someone actually paid $5300 for a used tissue...and what does scarlett do with the money...why does propagate that type of behavior? just because there are stupid people in the world doesn't mean that taking advantage in such a manner is correct or acceptable...sorry this just bothers me...
Madame Defarge: Well, Madame, one must dress accordingly when performing with clowns.

Sweet Cheeks: We gorillas don't use crotch slits, Mrs Cheeks. I always take my pants off before relieving myself.

Scarlet: Yes, and I'm sure you're much naughtier than the original too.

Saintly Nick: Do you think my essences would fetch a good price on e-Bay? Frankly, I'd rather do a sponsored tree climb.

Lady Daphne: I occasionally put on an accent to emphasize a point, milady, but I wouldn't say that I'm an accomplished impersonator.

Nuresmyra: And I'd love to sniff yours, Nursie!

Daisy: People have paid a lot more than that for equally silly objects. Perhaps she should have given the money to charity.
gorilla...i am reminded of the selling of the crumbs from elvis' sandwich...etc...etc...i wasn't so much getting on scarlett but all of those who inspire that type of is a wonder how people rest comfortably at night with everything going on around them being ignored...perhaps that is why i have been up since 2am...i see it...
" he can extract Miss Johannson’s DNA and create an unspecified number of Scarlett clones"

This is exactly why I never blow my nose in public. I hate the idea of someone genetically engineering an army of Captain Smacks.

Of course, an army of any type of Captains would probably be chaos, considering that they would all believe themselves to be in charge.
She's hot.
But snot?
I can remember being told the playground tale of one of our number who had made a fortune selling her used panties online. Ive just never been able to come to terms with it. I mean, sure, Ruf likes to sniff the scrap of lace he's just that second removed from my excited nether regions but two days later...? I think not. As to used tissues, we call them tribbles. Somehow that would be even worse than two day old panties.
I think all politicians should be made to wear polkadot pantaloons. Keeps things in perspective.
Ms Johannson's snot profits did go to charity, one of the feeding people ones. We could solve world hunger in a few blows - what do you think George Clooney would raise for his discharge?
Your essences on eBay? Hmmmm... who knows that idiots will buy.

I think I'd prefer a sponsored tree climb, too.
Daisy: Well Churchill slept very soundly during WW2. "I just say damn everyone and go out like a lamp" is what he said.

Captain Smack: You'd better be careful where you throw your chewing gum as well. I assume you don't go around licking things.

Terra: Her snot is warm but quickly goes cold. You have to re-heat it.

Mrs Cake: You've got to put your knickers in an airtight container, Mrs Cake. That seals in all the lovely juices.

XL: They'd look better, but I don't think they know how to move their hips.

Lulu: Clooney's manly secretions would be worth a fortune, there must be loads of women who want to bear his child.

Saintly Nick: I'd be up and down one of your Californian Redwoods in a flash!
GB you make it sound as though it was ScarJo herself who bagged up the kleenex and flogged it on ebay? Surely the credit crunch hasn't been so bad so that even Hollywood starlets need to find alternative avenues of income generation!?
on a vaguely related note I have often wondered why do-gooders go on and on about saving the polar bears and the rain forest species etc when we all know that soon the only place for wild animals will be theme parks and zoos ...surely scientiest have all the DNA of these animals so why not put your feet up and don't worry if they die out because they can be reconstructed at a later utopian date?
As the son-in-law of a modern-day Frankenstein, I can assure you that this sort of meddling with the very stuff of life gets you nowhere.

The esteemed gentleman of science spent much of his inheritance on trying to mate Slovaks with Hungarians in the interests of peace in the Carpathians.

In the end he simply mated with them himself, leading to countless claims for child support, a death sentence in Lemberg (that has still to be carried out) and an upsurge in lycanthropy throughout the Tisza basin. Again.
(Topiary is hiding in a thick hedge at the thought of millions of cloned Scarletts)

But then perhaps were they to wear clown pants, it wouldn't be so bad!

Jade: She did indeed bag it herself, although one of her minions may have handled the e-Bay transaction. The modern-day starlet knows the value of her bodily fluids.

EmmaK: You are assuming there will be humans around at a later date. Our planet has had a number of great extinctions.

Mr Boyo: So that explains Mrs Boyo's puritan streak: a reaction against her wayward daddy. I'm sure he always acted with the best of intentions.

Topiary Cow: I think they'd spend most of their time pouting and sulking.
Some how I pictured you as a briefs sort of primate.

Not like the stripper gorilla we hired for a birthday party - he had on a neon green thong.

I do think some of the ladies tried to talk him out of it...
It's like coprophilia, I suppose, where apparantly it makes a BIG difference whether you fancy the person or not. (Syncronicity, Bananas, I was just having a mucus fantasy of my own on Mrs Boyo's blog.)
Actually, I think it has more in common with the honourable tradition of relic-trafficking, very popular with Roman Catholics. It has been calculated that the combined weight of alleged fragments of the True Cross would equal a thousand Scandinavian pine forests, or something equally boring. For myself, I have gazed upon the wimple of St Emily Bicchieri in Milan, and a knucklebone of St Liborius in Le Mans. More prosaically, my schoolfriend Mhari kept one of Alex Harvey's discarded fag-ends wrapped in cotton wool in a Swan Vesta box for many years.
Alex Harvey of the Sensational Alex Harvey Band?
(Yes, Gadj, the very same. Surly Glaswegians used to go down well in the Thames Valley. No-one ever knew why).
Funny folk you mingle with GB.
You reminded me of Monty Berman - theatrical costumier non pareil de mes jours.
'Scuse French!
I could understand Miss Johansens Knickers raising a fair price Mr B , but a used hanky ????
The pantaloons are exquisit, I can see how you found it difficult to part with them. If I had a pair like this, I'd wear it all the time.
Hoodchick: I'd never wear briefs, Miss. Too tight on the gonads for me.

Gadjo: Yes, although I doubt the bodily fluids of a beautiful woman taste any better.

Mr Pouncer: These relics don't have the same utility as pantaloons. Perhaps the bones could be given to a dog to chew.

Pi: Is he French then? I never enjoyed performing there.

Beast: Ah Beast, you don't understand how the deviant mind works. They are obsessed with bodily fluids.

Polly: Would you really, Polly? What a flamboyant woman you are!
To Tokyo myself in a week. Any tips on how to meet Scarlet Johansson? And (this bit is crucial) how to impress her if I do?
I bet you added dignity to these pantaloons, Nanas.
Not French - more East End! The french is just my affectation. I like to keep fluent - that's a joke:) - amongst all these citizens of the world.
There are people who prize used tissue paper? Wish I were Scarlet Johansen: I could make a fortune. We're doing okay for big trousers here too.
Does anyone want my knickers?
I need those pantaloons for a job interview. I wish to work for the Secret Service.
Inkspot: Have a safe trip. I feel that Scarlett might be impressed by the sight of you in an Oxford gown.

Sam: I think you're right Sam, but thanks for saying so anyway.

Pi: God bless the cheeky cockney chappie!

Mary: I believe it's the mucus that collectors value, Mary.

Scarlet: Don't give them away free, Miss Scarlet!

DeliaBlack: Welcome, Ms Black. Are you planning to disguise yourself as a eunuch in Bin Laden's harem?
If I paid $5,000 for something of Scarlet's, it would have to be a frolic in her boobs. She can keep her boogers, farts and internal bleeding.
What I would give for an unspecified number of Scarlett clones! Yeah.
Maybe they were going to make a three way porno flick with a Scarlett clone while he wears those pants and has his way with her on the bed...

Fabulously Broke in the City

"Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver."

People will buy anything, but seriously, SNOT?


I once sold a 2nd hand pair of knickers with matching bar on ebay for 25 bucks. Sure, they were fancy, silky, washed, but designer.

They were snapped up bloody quick.

I'm not sure what is worse. Me selling them, or someone buying them.
Be still my heart. Would you slip them on once more?
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