Friday, January 16, 2009

Family unlikeness

There was an open-air screening of the Star Wars trilogy at this year’s simian convention. After watching The Empire Strikes Back a chimpanzee approached me with a puzzled look on his face.

“If Luke Skywalker was really Darth Vader’s son, why wasn’t he called Luke Vader?” he asked.

“You silly nitwit!” I exclaimed. “Lord Vader obviously wasn’t the type to marry a woman and play happy families. He must have had a brief but torrid affair with Luke’s mother in some remote outpost lacking a drug store.”

“I still don’t buy it,” replied the chimp. “How come they looked so different if they were father and son?”

He had a point. The family resemblance was zero – indeed they hardly seemed to belong to the same species. Mr Vader’s peculiar costume did admittedly obscure his features, but what about his deep throaty voice? A man who spoke like that shouldn’t have sired a squeaky little whelp like Skywalker.

“You have to allow some creative licence in these movies,” I said to the chimp. “In any case, we don’t really know what Darth Vader looked like as a young man. Humans change a lot in appearance as they age.”

The chimpanzee pursed his lips and trotted off while I pondered the problem of detecting a family likeness in humans.

Back in my circus days, a theatre producer told me about a stage version of Star Wars he was planning.

“I’m so thrilled about it!” he enthused. “I’ve hired Bill Solly, who wrote the songs for Boy Meets Boy. He’s already composed a fabulous duet for Han Solo and Luke Skywalker that brought a tear to my eye! It’s called The Space Between Us.”

“I don’t see how you’ll manage the special effects,” I said. “What about the sword fights with those luminous blades that suddenly poke out of the hilt?”

“I’ve thought of an ingenious substitute!” he declared. “The actors in those scenes will have a florescent cucumber hidden up their sleeve. A jerk of the wrist and hey presto, it will pop out into their hand!”

“You’d better remind the cast that biting an opponent’s cucumber is not a legitimate form of self defence,” I remarked.

He shrieked and clapped his hands before flouncing off. When he later offered me the part of Chewbacca (the braying overgrown Teddy Bear) I told him where he could stick his cucumber. The show never got off the ground, which was just as well because Star Wars wouldn’t have worked as a gay pantomime – Princess Leia’s sexual chemistry with Han Solo is too important to the story.

Speaking of which, Carrie Fisher
has revealed that her movie flirtation with Harrison Ford was accompanied by all sorts of hanky-panky off-screen. On one occasion she found her rugged co-star naked in her closet. It didn’t seem to bother her, probably because she admitted to having a huge crush on him. It makes me wonder if a man can ever go wrong by appearing unclothed before a woman who fancies him.

Of course, a naked man who infiltrates a woman’s private space is generally up to no good. I was
shocked to hear of a pervert who broke into the home of an 88-year-old woman in Portland and confronted the old lady in the nude. She immediately grabbed hold of his genitals and squeezed them with a force that was far too great to bring him any pleasure. He ran away yelping, but was later apprehended by the police.

The woman’s behaviour reminds me of
Sassy Miss Kara, a fierce little minx who also lives in Portland. I recall her once boasting of the manoeuvres she had learned to maim any man who dared to molest her. Such skills are often passed down the maternal line, which brings us once again to the question of family resemblance. Is the dick-crushing dowager Miss Kara’s grandmother? I await her answer with dignified patience.

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Harrison Ford in the closet? And he seemed such a manly man. Perhaps there is material for a gay panto after all.
No man could fit in my closet... too many clothes... too many shoes, he'd emerge looking like a Pantomime Dame...
Human males appearing naked before one, whether fanciable or not can be alarming - especially if it's in the supermarket. You might be able to get away with it though
This is the difference between gorilla and man.

The gorilla jumps out and it's 'Ohhhh my. What a beast! tee hee hee.

A naked man jumps out and it's all weird tan lines, strange hair growth patterns and unattractive dangly parts.
"Squeaky little whelp?" "Squeaky Little Whelp?"

I Beg Your Pardon? (Cow admitting to a long-time crush of Luke and his light saber....

And, Cow agrees with HoodChick, were a Gorilla to expose parts it would indeed, be a case of worshipful silence in the presence of magnificent beastliness.

I confess that I know almost nothing about Star Wars, but I reckon it would have worked excellently as a gay pantomime: pretty-boy Luke Skyw**ker could easier be played by a lass, and my choice for a dragged up Daft Vader would be Les Dawson, who's got the deep voice.
Lady Daphne: It needs more than one man in a closet to makes a gay panto, milady. Mark Hamill would have to join him.

Scarlet: I'm sure the right man could squeeze into your confined spaces, Miss Scarlet.

Lulu: Thank you, Lulu, although we gorillas are too hirsute to assume the condition of human nakedness.

Hoodchick: I like your "tee hee hee", Miss Hoodchick! It would be worth the indignity of being called a beast just to hear it.

Topiary Cow: I am sorry, Ms Cow, I didn't realise the boy still had fans. Your remark about gorillas is very flattering, but most of what we have is hidden beneath the fur.

Gadjo: So Princess Leia would be a fag hag then? Les Dawson had the voice for the role, but he would have lacked agility in the fight scenes.
Dignified patience makes you even more attractive than usual Mr B
I have had to sit through watching Star Wars with the kids too many times not to know that Luke and Leia's mother conceived them before Darth Vader went over to the Dark Side. He was simple Anakin Skywalker before he was tempted to switch sides. God, what a geek I am, I blame my smalls.

Harrison Ford would be very welcome to hang out naked in my closet, any day.

I can only echo what Kitty said. You need to watch Episodes I-III, Mr Bananas.

As to the nut crushing Granny, good on her! A man should not be able to jump out of a woman's closet with impunity... Not even the delectable Harrison Ford. I watched that part of Bring Back Star Wars through my fingers. Carrie was remarkably candid :)
Exactly - your magnificent hirsutitude would be disguising your nudity.
I overheard some women discussing a new boyfriend recently, one told the other said that the man was so hairy he made the nurses scream when they pulled back the sheets as he lay ill in a hospital bed - I think his problem was that he wasn't hairy enough
i'm with scarlet blue on this closet is full enough the way it is...last thing i need is a man coming out of it!
Those chimps are dumbing down.
You mean Princess Leia was Luke's sister? (Sorry I fell asleep after the first one) But wasn't he .... didn't they .... wouldn't that be .... oh God it's gone all EastEnders now.
Nursemyra: Thank you, Nursie, I'll make a point of trying it more often.

Kitty: You mean he changed his name from Skywalker to Vader? What a bozo! No wonder his children lost touch with him.

Mrs Cake: So the first three films were episodes 4-6? Totally crazy. What the point seeing 1-3 when you know how it ends?

Lulu: Haha, well if that's the way you feel we ought have to have a date!

Daisy: Have you ever been tempted to get in a closet with the right man, Daisy?

Ms Bananasfk: Well chimps have never been very highbrow in their movie preferences.

Lady Daphne: I had no idea they were siblings myself! They're like the ancient Egyptians, milady!
Personally, I always liked the shiny black patent look of Darth Vader. All that swooshing around as the ultimate alpha male (albeit with heavy breathing issues) brought a moistness to my eye.
Oh, I am not feeling well at all. Just had a vision of Chewbacca as a street mime.
I have BEEN to a Stars Wars Panto (in Plymouth). There was a GREAT bit of audience interaction when Vader was ABOUT to shoot down Lukey S in the final scene. We TOTALLY saved him and allowed Han Solo to intervene...

I LOVE panto
1. i can't believe you put me in a post that's about star wars. it's like you don't know me at all.

2. how you find so many sexual deviant related stories from my geographic locale, i'll never know. doesn't this shit happen anywhere else?

3. she was NOT my grandmother. but i'll totally give her a terrorist fist jab if i ever happen upon her.

4. troutdale is NOT portland. it is a town with the word 'trout' in it and that is quite another thing.

5. heh...his name was 'dick'.

the end.
oh and

6. i believe you are referring to 'the pinky rip'. muthafuckers better watch out.
I'm glad you turned down the role of Chewbacca GB. It totally ruined his career...
GB - you might have fun with Beaverton, that's near Portland, im sure you have been there with the circus.
Madame Defarge: He certainly had an impressive physique for a human, Madame D, but he may not have been the best kisser.

XL: That would be better than listening to him bleat.

Julian Meteor: I can't say I agree with allowing the audience to change the plot. What did they use for light sabres?

Kara: It's not just about Star Wars, Missy, I was careful to link your name to the assault on the naked man. I forgot you hated old people - you must be pretty scared of the old biddy eh?

Sweet Cheeks: Poor chap! Did he get any lines or was it all bleating?

Ms Bananasfk: I've not been there, but it sounds like a town with attractions.
As usual GB it comes down to survival of the fittest - if you were Carrie Fisher who would you want naked in your closet - R2D2, Jabba or Han Solo? I'm sure most girls agree - fancied, willing, able (and not an alien or robot is an added advantage).
gorilla...yes, i have...and i could be tempted again...should he ask...
I've often wondered what Chewbacca would have looked like naked and shaved. And if he ever hid in Han Solo's closet.
Michael G Dick? Dear lord, why does everything American sound completely made up?
Harrison Ford naked in my closet... yessss.... Luke Skywalker... no.
Kate: I can't really imagine being Carrie Fisher, Kate, but I trust your womanly instincts.

Daisy: I really hope he does ask you, Daisy. It's such a waste not to oblige a willing woman.

Zuba: Like a large rat, I should think.

Joliet Jake: His name suited him, that's for sure.

Polly: That's more or less what Ms Fisher said, Polly. Do you think you instinctively want a man who can lift you off your feet?
“In any case, we don’t really know what Darth Vader looked like as a young man.” Silly Gorilla, we know exactly what he looked like, from childhood until he gets turned into human toast at the age of nineteen. I’m talking, of course, about Anakin Skywalker. You haven’t seen the prequels, have you?
As to Carrie Fisher; yes, I was in love with her. And yes, it was unrequited, but I’ll never forget those hair buns and that pouty mouth. Unfortunately, unlike myself, she hasn’t aged well.

Thank you for making Boyo's day with this post, Bananas. He's too excited to write. As you may know, Princess Leila occupies a bikini-shaped place in his heart:
I sometimes leave my Dyson crevice attachment in the closet though...
We're none of us as young as we used to be, Scarlet.
One of my maternal great-grandmothers once killed a grizzly bear; I think she was worried it was going to attack one of her children. I hope I'm never called upon to prove myself, but I'd like to think I could dispatch a villain if I had to, just like Kara.
Son of I: These prequels are a desperate attempt to patch up inconsistencies in the original films. This Anakin person sounds like an impostor and a hoaxer.

Mrs Boyo: I'm glad to have given him a treat, ma'am. Maybe he'll do a few chores now.

Scarlet: Lucky old appliance, Miss Scarlet!

Kevin: Which explains why our closets fill up with junk.

Mary: With a rifle rather than a deadly hand-grip, I assume.
hello gorilla, I have a tune you will love: 'revenge of the flying monkeys'. I love your blog.
Best wishes
Cucumbers are quite versatile. I have used them in many different ways.
I can't help wondering what has happened to Carrie's right bosom. The photographer should be shot.
Will someone please put Harrison Ford in my wardrobe???? But drss him as indianna jones and not the space man, thanks x
@88 year old woman: If she had a glow in the dark cucumber she could've slapped the intruder who broke into her house with it and screamed: I'M USING THE FORCE ON YOU, YOU SON OF A @*$&@$#!!!

But grabbing his genitals? A fitting substitute.

Fabulously Broke in the City

"Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver."

I would imagine that Mr. Ford couldn't wait to show Ms Fisher 'what lies beneath'.
River: Hello there, River. I will make a point of listening to it. Many thanks.

Madam Z: I don't doubt that you are unusually inventive with vegetables, Madam Z.

Pi: It's there but a little squished.

Tabby: Hello Miss Tabby! He was rather more sweaty and rugged as Indiana Jones, wasn't he?

Fabulously Broke: Welcome, Miss Broke. I think the cucumber would have been crushed to mush in her powerful grip.

Mosha: He showed it and gave it. Ms Fisher more or less confessed.
If you get to see the new Bond spin-off Defiance, you will have an opportunity to watch a film about four brothers who look about as much alike as Barack Obama, Woody Allen, Graham Norton, and Jackie Chan.
Quite right. For a light sabre, best use a florecent Cue. For a light simitar, try a glow in the dark banana.
Chris V: Don't Barack and Woody resemble each other a bit around the eyes?

Tickersoid: Light scimitar? That must be the version where Darth Vader was the Sultan of Jedaddy.
This is a sexy smokin' old pic of her eh?
should prob get in touch with this lady and learn some of those manouvers....too many randy buggers in my area!!

p/s : I don't know why i stopped reading blogs during my 'crash'. Your blog especially Mr is just the perfect antidepressant! *hugz*
Saby darling, my pulse quickens whenever I see your name here.
@88 year old woman: If she had a glow in the dark cucumber she could've slapped the intruder who broke into her house with it and screamed: I'M USING THE FORCE ON YOU, YOU SON OF A @*$&@$#!!!

But grabbing his genitals? A fitting substitute.
That's what I call "AS COOL AS A CUCUMBER". She is my heroe.

Krystal Klear
Pretty quick hands as well, Krystal.
You've got to love Carrie Fisher for saying all that in an interview, and then voluntarily putting forward that Mark Hamill would never get a look in.

That, and saying that when she laid down in the infamous metal bikini, "you could see alllll the way to Florida".
A million childhood fantasies were surely awakened.

Shame on me for not visiting Blogger and your blog for a while, may you blog for many gorilla years! Thanks for the chuckles.
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