Friday, January 02, 2009

Disorderly conduct

I agree to tend bar at the safari guesthouse on New Year’s Eve, on condition that I leave before all the singing, smooching and tooting begins. In spite of this sensible precaution, the evening does not pass without incident. Towards the end of my shift, a big fat man with blond hair and a blond moustache staggers toward me while rolling up the sleeve of his right arm.

“Lez arm wrezzle!” he burps.

“Sir, you are drunk!” I exclaim. “Your barbarian ancestors were no doubt in a similar condition as they charged the Roman legions which were shortly to make mincemeat of them! Withdraw to a nearby table and sit down while I make you a cup of coffee!”

Rather than mollifying, my words seem to enrage him.

“You big hairy fugger!” he snarls, lunging at me with his fists.

I stick out a paw to prevent him getting within spitting range (gorillas have long arms, as you know) and wait for help to arrive while he flounders and flaps like a giant penguin. Presently, a posse of catering staff drag him off for a sedative and an early night. The other guests seem supportive of my stand, although some suggest I was too lenient.

“You should have taken him on and smashed his knuckles on the bar!” says one man.

“Had I been a chimpanzee, Sir, I surely would have done so,” I reply. “However we gorillas are pacifists. Furthermore, there are many women at this function who would have witnessed the spectacle, which might have led to unnatural emotions. The male gorilla who shows off in front of human females is like a rooster that lays eggs.”

I should mention here that we gorillas never drink alcohol to excess. The close proximity of hard liquor at the bar does not tempt me. In my circus days, I once met a Native American gentleman after a show we gave in New Mexico. His name was Chief Jimmy Big-Nose of the Navaho.

“Are you planning to be a circus ape all your life?” he asked.

“No, Chief, I shall one day return to the Congo and go back to jungle living.”

“That is good,” he said. “We Navaho used to be hunter gatherers until the white man came and made us foolish with his whisky. I hope you gorillas know better.”

“We shall surely learn from your example, Chief,
I replied. “Although in my experience humans of all colour are white men.”

“Yes,” agreed the chief pensively. “They are now.”

It is a great tragedy that Dr Timothy Leary failed in his quest to persuade people to renounce all narcotic substances other than LSD. In my experience, humans who take hallucinogenic drugs are generally well behaved. They will happily sit in a corner and babble away quietly with stupefied expressions on their faces. If they take it in groups they might be more noisy, laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. But such behaviour is of no concern in Africa, we’re used to it from the hyenas. If you’re going to get stoned, do it in a way that doesn’t involve accosting strangers or making offensive noises.

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This time next year you could drop the silly sod out of your zeppelin.
At least you didnt have to spend NYE in a typical British pub - not only would you needed to deal the fat man with blond hair, you would then have to deal with this missus, his daughter and chav like son, and you'd all probably get bundled into a coppers van and spend a night behind bars for public disorder. All this after gettin your head kicked in by the bouncers who tend to get a bit over excited, bless 'em.
Btw Harold and KUmar were not hallucinating in that picture - they reall saw that one eyed kid, who was one eyed - coz the parents were incests....
I should mention here that we gorillas never drink alcohol to excess

Wise, wise words Mr Bananas...
Hey, I've heard of the guys in that picture. I think they're that new alternative rock band from up North. Aren't they called 'The Ear, The Eye and The Arm'? That's Canada for you.
Some people believe that psychedelics are what caused humans to evolve into the tool-using, language-speaking creatures that we are today, which is an interesting idea, though I can't say that it's ever had that effect on me personally.

Of course, the people who believe that have probably done a lot of psychedelics themselves. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In any case, I doubt many new tools were invented whilst drunk, except maybe the club, which is certainly a tool, but I'm not sure would actually qualify as an invention.
And they say we are descended from the apes - NYE makes you wonder if we're not just an evolutionary blip while our pacifist friends are the real deal.
Kevin: I would give him a parachute, but perhaps not a very big one. A hard landing is sometimes good for the soul.

Ms Lamb: Maybe the solution is to chain them to the tables with leg irons. Do you really know the people in the picture? Are they your friends or just famous?

Scarlet: I would happily be your chaperone if you were tipsy, Miss Scarlet.

Mrs Cheeks: So they are famous! I don't see how that picture would have helped their album sales.

Captain Smack: Welcome back from the dead, my good man! I think that many psychedelians, including the late Dr Leary, have tended to exaggerate the benefits of their pastime. I don't believe that any tool of commercial value was invented by someone on LSD.

Kate: I believe we primates have a common ape-like ancestor, Kate. Not much is known about him, but he may have got rowdy after too many gulps of fermented coconut milk.
I wonder what Huxley would have written without it?
You are too generous Mr Bananas... and I promise I am off the sauce until next time... when I'm on it again...
I remember when LSD was legal. The hippies had too much fun with it for it to remain so.
Gorillas NEVER overindulge?! What, not even at the safari lodge Christmas party?!
The trouble with drink (and sleeping darts) as GB well knows is that you get teased afterwards and get accused of having had sex with most ugly monkey in the tribe.
I am trying to imagine the sort'unnatural emotion' I'd experience if I saw a rooster laying eggs. I think I'd just put less mushrooms in the tea next time
Pi: The Wind in the Willows?

Scarlet: You can be as saucy as you like, Miss Scarlet, it's your natural behaviour.

XL: There might have been a new age of enlightenment if they'd kept it legal.

Jade: We sometimes overindulge in limbo dancing, Miss Jade. I'd love to have a contest with you. I sense you might have a very flexible spine.

Ms Bananasfk: I got accused of having sex with the ugliest human in a gorilla suit back in my circus days.

Lulu: The danger is that you might feel envious of the egg.
that cyclops scares the bejeezus out of me
If it's the rooster laying the egg I don't think so - now if you were to lay the egg...
I should imagine a Tipsy Miss Scarlet would be a right handful for any human or gorilla. I only drink to excess if forced by circumstance Mr Bananas
Fly agaric. No, it's not a Balkan airline but a very fine hallucinogene. Druids used it to seek guidance from mystical badgers before leading us into battle. That's why England is England these days, and not Lower Wales.
Mr Bananas, I'm impressed by the exercise of your natural air of authority, possessed by few primates.
Maybe you needed some bonobos to provide some alternative entertainment for the masses.

A bientôt
Nursemyra: Haven't you seen worse things in your hospital, Nursie?

Lulu: Are you tempting me to lay an egg, Lulu? Tempting an ape is wickedly sinful.

Beast: I'm sure you do, Beast. Perhaps you should try harder to avoid those situations where you get forced into doing things.

Mr Boyo: It didn't do much good against the Romans though, did it? I wonder how much Roman blood the modern Welsh have.

Madame Defarge: Thank you, Madame Defarge. The bonobos are masters of pornographic entertainment who should not be encouraged, in my view.
Challenge Gorilla Bananas to arm wrestling.
He was definitely three sheets!
Where did you get that photograph of me and Dr Maroon on the lash in Reading town centre? We weren't drunk, someone had spiked our kirs.
A masterful essay, GB. Masterful.

As always, your ruminations upon the human spirit, human weaknesses and preferred conduct are thought-provoking.

If they take it in groups they might be more noisy, laughing hysterically for no apparent reason.

very intriguing...your description of the behaviour patterns of those on LSD correlate exactly with those of MPs having a 'debate' in the Houses of Parliament. I wonder if the MPs are being slipped a tab daily in their tea?
Good heavens, poor Daphne! But who would do such a wicked thing? And where would anyone be able to lay hands on, let's say, enough Meptazinol to effect such an outrage? I simply can't believe that the Thames Valley would harbour such a fiend. Happy new year, dear Mr Gorilla Bananas btw.
Practially Joe: He would have looked better under a sheet.

Lady Daphne: I know very well that you are not a cyclops, milady. And Maroon is surely much paler than either of those swains.

Topiary Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow, your appreciation sustains me.

Emma: They also make peculiar braying noises in the House of Commons.

Mrs Pouncer: And to you, Mrs Pouncer. May you find whatever you seek, even if magic mushrooms are required.
I drank quite a bit on New Year's Eve, I'm afraid to say, but I didn't throw up* and I didn't pass out, so I feel like I handled myself like an officer and a gentleman.

*I kind of threw up a little bit, but it only happened once and it went right in a sink. It's not like I was hugging the toilet or passed out next to a pool table**

**I did end up sleeping next to a pool table, but that was by choice, not because I passed out. And it was in a private residence, not a bar.
Wise words, Bananaman: it takes an Indian chief and a gorilla these days to put their finger on the nub of the issue. LSD was invented by the Swiss though - I never trusted it.
Happy New Year, dearest of Nanas. There's not another like you.
A former colleague of mine was fond of acid. Sadly, he succumbed to a rather unfortunate overdose of H2SO4.
For the second year running, I spent NYE cocooned in a lovenest with a man who has been likened to a gorilla. No alcohol or drugs required to have a very lovely time.

Far preferable to previous years where the stroke of midnight has seen me cocooned in the smelly armpit of some big buffoon with the proportions of a gorilla but none of the niceties who has positioned himself to be at my side at the right moment to be able to kiss me on the Bongs and is about to deliver a particularly sloppy full facial suck. Perhaps on LSD, it wouldn't have seemed quite so distasteful.
Chris: Just apologise to the pool table and everything should be OK.

Gadjo: The Swiss invented LSD? It must have been the same guy who invented to cuckoo clock.

Sam: Thank you Sam, all the best to you and your family.

Kyknoord: Someone should have told him that you don't take it orally.

Mrs Cake: That's nice to hear, Mrs Cake. I've never understood why any woman is supposed to be fair game for a snog in the first 5 seconds of a new year.
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