Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Barking up the wrong tree

How disappointing to hear that an American Mom got sent to the loony bin for impersonating her 15-year-old daughter. This continual blurring of the line between madness and eccentricity will cast a blight over human society. All the 34-year-old woman did was go back to school so she could become a cheerleader. There’s nothing remotely potty about that and I can’t see how she was inconveniencing anyone. On the contrary, I bet her bodily gyrations inspired the beefy footballers far more than the usual girlie whirling. In a heavy contact sport you need the curvy flesh of a mature woman to encourage the home team to get stuck in.

I never call anyone mad unless their urges have a self-destructive edge. A good example of a real nutter was that German fellow who agreed to
let a cannibal eat him. After dining together on his severed penis (no more than an appetiser, one would assume), the cannibal killed him and feasted on his body. So apart from the penis hors d’oeuvre, the victim was plainly unable to enjoy whatever pleasure there was in the act. That put the seal on his condition as far as I was concerned. A lunatic in his right mind would have demanded that the cannibal eat him alive.

People often assume that the tyrants of human history were mad, but I reckon this was rarely the case. A lot of them, like Caligula, were just plain bad, and a few others had some physical illness that made them act strangely. Take King George III of England for example. He’s known as the mad king, but he actually had a rare disease that turned his urine blue. I know for a fact that passing blue water makes humans cantankerous, because I once had dealings with an old gypsy woman who briefly suffered from this condition. She was a prickly character from the start to be honest, but once her piss turned blue she started cackling like a demented witch. Fortunately I managed to resolve my differences with her peacefully.

If you enjoy listening to poppycock, the most entertaining mental disorder is paranoia. I remember sitting alone in Dr Whipsnade’s lounge when I was joined by his houseguest, an antique dealer by trade.

“Rainy weather,” I said, making polite conversation.

“I like the rain,” he replied, “it gives me the chance to stock up on fresh water.”

“Isn’t your house connected to the mains supply?” I asked.

He then gave me a vehement sermon on the dangers of drinking tap water. He said that it was doped with chemicals to make men infertile and women insatiable. This allowed select breeding males, most of them freemasons, to impregnate women at their leisure and populate the next generation with their offspring. “Have you ever seen a freemason drink tap water?” he asked rhetorically. “They all buy the bottled stuff from Tesco.”

I thought it best not to argue with him. These delusional types have a rebuttal for every critique and I didn’t want him to accuse me of being a freemason.

“I am both fascinated and disturbed by your discourse,” I said truthfully. “If you don’t mind, I would now like to watch a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon on TV.”

“If you’re turning on that contraption I’m off to the conservatory,” he said. “People who watch television don’t realise that the television is also watching them.”

This assertion made me feel like Foghorn Leghorn – that rooster was always dealing with creatures crazier than himself.

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Mr GB, I imagine that you have to deal with many crazier than yourself. How you cope with it and remain so chipper is beyond me. You are, as always, a paragon of virtue and tolerance.

I would not have been keen to return to school. Too many spotty boys with hands in the wrong places. A ghastly time over which a veil should be firmly drawn.
The best part of the Cheerleading Mom story is that her true identity was only revealed because she was in jail for fraud and the school investigated her truancy. So she got out of jail and went somewhere more interesting AND the school thought she really was 15 - I'd call that a result!!
In any sane and just world the Cheerleading Mom would have been made A Daughter Of America and been given the job of heralding the fish course in the Inauguration Dinner.
Give me a G, give me an O, give me an R, give me an I, give me.... Oh you get the gist....
The fact that you wanted to watch a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon is proof that you are perfectly sane. If, however, you start beating your dog with a piece of plywood and talking to chicken hawks, then take it as a sign that you've gone off the deep end my friend...
Check out those teeth! gotta love the Yanks
Ha! I suspect she's already been inducted into the All-American Mom Hall of Fame and we'll be seeing her on Oprah when she's released. (I do hope that the mental institution she's been sent to has a cheerleader squad, it surely should have.)
oh I wish they'd sent her to the gimcrack. we just have run of the mill madness here
Madame Defarge: Thank you so much, Madame D. A pox on any grubby boy who dared to paw you without first writing a love note and taking you to the pictures. The definition of an oik is he who expects something for nothing.

Lulu: Apparently they assumed she was an unusually plump and haggard 15-year-old and were too polite to comment on her appearance. Americans can be quite sweet.

Kevin: Heralding the fish course? I never realised such a ritual existed. Would she have to wear a mermaid's tail?

Scarlet: I would be thrilled to see you cheer for me, Miss Scarlet. How is your pom-poming?

Sweet Cheeks: That dawg, ah say, that dawg deserved all his whuppings!

Ulaca: Well-brushed without being horsey I'd say.

Gadjo: I hope she becomes the lead singer of a rock band, she seems to have the right personality.

Nursemyra: I don't think she'd like your place Nursie. She obviously likes to hang out with people much younger than herself.
gorilla...i get that "feel like Foghorn Leghorn – that rooster was always dealing with creatures crazier than himself" feeling a lot at work and it is usually coming from my co-workers more than the clients i deal with...paranoids are fun...but bipolars actually make you think you are the crazy one until you are removed from the situation...either way fun can be had in an afternoon!
How frigin nutty do you have to be not to spot a 34 year old posing as 15.

I also like phrase used in court "she was not able to appreciate the wrongfulness of her conduct and was unable to conform to society's norms." President Bush senior did not like the Simpsons which must put him in the same padded cell as Mrs Brown.

A belated happy New year to you btw.
My pom-pomming is as good as my pogo-sticking Mr Bananas...
I totally sympathise with the cheerleader mommy. I wouldn't mind going back to school just to be a cheerleader.
Need of the flesh of a ripe woman to encourage the team!! Be but not too faded:}

What to say about these sailors that landed on drunk beaches of discovery and preserved in rhum, to the point to intoxicate the resident "cannibal" Snag!!
Daisy: Glad you enjoy your work, Daisy! Isn't everyone apart from Buddist monks a little bi-polar these days?

Uncle Norman: I think they were worried that she was a 15-year-old with some kind of physical problem, so they were afraid of hurting her feelings. I can't appreciate the wrongfulness of her conduct either.

Scarlet: Do you have a pogo stick, Miss Scarlet? You can bounce up and down on my one if you don't.

Polly: I'm sure we'd all love to watch you doing the moves, Polly.

Crabtree: Sailors who land on beaches are not to be trusted, Monsieur. The cannibal may have his fill of them.
She got three years in a pych hospital for unauthorized cheerleading? That seems a bit harsh. I absolutely Foghorn/Leghorn disapprove of this draconian sentence.
my word, sugar! i was a cheerleader in high school and for the life of me, i certainly wouldn't want to do that again! she certainly had to be rather fit to make the squad at 34! those routines those teenagers do are demanding! xoxo
Some Georgian princes once captured some Iranian nobleman and made him eat himself, starting with his feet. Not sure how far they got, but it was a novel take on the prisoner's last meal.

If television did watch us, it would be driven to suicide by hours of men in dressing gowns yelling at sports commentators while scratching their (own) knackers.
did you know that the name 'caligula' means 'little boots'? i learned that on the discovery channel. but nothing else. hmmm. must've been a short show.

anyway...people who don't think television is useful are useless to me. but i don't recall that as being your point.
Trish: Couldn't agree with you more Trish, although did you see her picture? There's something spooky about her eyes.

Savannah: Have you never been tempted to try out the old moves in your garden? Could be a good exercise.

Mr Boyo: Funnily enough there's a blogger called 'Foot Eater'. I think he's a Welsh, which is another interesting coincidence. These Georgians sound pretty savage, no wonder they produced Stalin.

Kara: I did know that Missy, although 'Bootikins' is supposed to capture the spirit of the name more accurately.
I will think twice before inviting anyone to nibble my thighs in future.
I supose King George III was taking the blue blood thing to an extreme.
Agreed, it does seem a bit extreme that she gets 3 years for just jumping up and down with some pompoms and pretending to be a teen. Like Lulu says she probably just wanted to be fifteen again so she achieved her dream!
I had a roommate who kept covering the TV with a towel because he thought the government was watching him through it. I told him "why would they be watching you? It's not like you're leading the revolution or something. You're a caterer."

But what was really crazy about it was that the TV wasn't even plugged in. We didn't even have cable.
Mr Bananas, thank you graciously for your visit and comment on my blog.

In this day and age of obesity health warnings, who could blame a slightly pudgy 30-something-year-old for wanting to tighten up in all the right places?

..and.. who knows what sort of enlightenment her exercise might have led to?
Gorilla monkey
Are you related to a baboon? Yes? Or orangutan? Or why else would you have my name?
from your cousin
The Little Baboon
Lady Daphne: A wise precaution, ma'am, but don't play too hard to get!

XL: Bleeding may have been one of the "cures" they inflicted on the poor fellow.

Emma: I'd like to hear her talk. I get the feeling her mental age might be 15.

Captain Smack: It sounds as if he had a guilty conscience about something. Or maybe he was just nuts.

Mlj: If only she had joined your yoga class instead!

Baboon: Be on your best behaviour here, I have thrashed many of your kind.
'the curvy flesh of a mature woman to encourage the home team to get stuck in.' Having just been watching 'Big Brother' (dreadful of me I know) I can attest to La Toyah Jackson - at 52 - being a shining example of this and it looked natural, and she was sweet and charming to boot.
I bet the American Mom was a milf and had plenty of nuts in the nuthouse. =)
Hello you sexy beast you. First of all, please accept my apologies for being absent, I was trying out for my daughter's year 8 prom.

There has to be something missing from this pysch story for her to be admitted. Maybe they're supressing something to protect her kids' or something.

I hope you are well and happy belated new year to you.

GB you are a f***ing fruit loop
Charming essay, Sir GB. Charming.

In fact, were more denizens of the earth to watch Foghorn Leghorn, surely it would be a better place.

Tis not all that often that I laugh out loud when I'm snuffling through other peoples blogs, but in this case I did.. Superb humour.
Something for everyone today GB -Henery Hawk: He talked me into it.
Foghorn Leghorn: I'm just a loud-mouthed schnook.
Henery Hawk: Chicken or schnook, in our oven he'll look good. (As the cannibal said to the German).
Off to dig out my pompoms ...
Pi: Didn't her breast once pop out on TV? I'm sure she's a fine woman nevertheless.

Static: MILF may be a slight over-statement - her picture is in the link. I like her for her eccentricity.

Ms Smack: Hello Ms Smack, you gorgeous MILF! I believe she was involved in other more serious deceptions.

Julian: Ha, what a tit-for-tat fellow you are!

Topiary Cow: Thank you Ms Cow, I'm glad to hear you're also a fan of the roguish rooster!

Jimmy: Welcome, Mr Bastard, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Kate: What great lines they had! I bet you'd be a natural at cheerleading, Kate.
Mr. GB
For a start, pointing out that the MILF pretends to be a teenager is not a crime these days. If that is the case I don't have the foggiest idea what "Madonna" is up to.

Piping Hot
I'm indebted to you for pointing this one out to me. I'll make sure to show it to my kids; they think I'm eccentric and are often ashamed of me for lesser sins. It will be good for them to get an idea of how much worse it could be.
Disturbing stuff maybe? I have to admit to having 'auditioned' for several cheerleaders groups - however I have never been accused of cannibalism..
ew @ cannibalism. I have read about that a bit though, Mr Albert Fish, was a very bad cannibal!
Piping: Good point, although I'm not sure how many still consider Madonna to be a MILF.

Mary: Good idea. Children who are always complaining should appreciate how much worse things could be. But would they mind if you did a little cheerleading?

Mutley: I hope you learned a few dance moves before doing the audition rather than wasting people's time by making a frivolous attempt.

Ms Smack: Let's hope such characters are locked up safely before they can indulge in their hobby.
Yeah, but he was a loud mouth'd shnook.
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