Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Stolen boobs, wet pussy
Last week, an Australian tourist asked me to pose for a photograph wearing a pair of joke breasts. I grinned and picked my teeth before answering.“My respect for the human female prevents me from colluding in the mockery of her milk dumplings,” I said. “If you require a humorous memento, I will take a picture of you being groomed by lady gorillas.”
He declined my offer, and the incident would have merited no further concern had I not heard news of a mysterious theft. It seems that 130,000 inflatable bosoms, ordered by an Australian men’s magazine, have disappeared en route from Beijing to Sydney. Let us put to one side the question of whether producing comedy boobs on an industrial scale is an appropriate use of resources in the current economic climate. Property is property, and if our Australian visitor has been handling stolen goods – or even buying them opportunistically on the black market – he is certainly guilty of a serious offence.
Should I report him to the Australian authorities? I think not. Joke breasts notwithstanding, the man is our guest. He has eaten our salt, sniffed our pepper and contributed a generous sum to the economy of the Congo Basin. Admittedly, a considerable portion of that sum might have been earned from the illegal bosom trade, but is that our fault? Economic activity cannot grind to a halt because a handful of customers have acquired their wherewithal from shady dealings.
Human jurisprudence is a tricky business, make no mistake. Back in my circus days, I remember the case of a clown’s stolen breakfast kipper. The guilty party turned out to be a cat, who had entered the clown’s trailer through an open window and departed hastily with the fish in its mouth. The clown was caught off guard while doing his stretching exercises, but was able to identify the culprit as one of our camp followers. After apprehending the feline bandit, he took the highly unusual step of putting it on trial. The clown himself took on the roles of judge, prosecutor, defence counsel and jury.
I interrupted the proceedings near the end. As the cat fidgeted restlessly inside a cage, the clown put on a judge’s wig and readied himself to pass sentence. The vengeful buffoon would have hanged the animal had I not intervened on its behalf. Fortunately, my powers of persuasion impelled the judge to announce a brief recess. I then made the following points in the laconic style of Henry Fonda in Twelve Angry Men:
(1) the cat had only been following its instincts;
(2) the clown had left the window open;
(3) the trial would be invalid without an independent defence counsel and jury.
We eventually settled on a plea bargain: the cat would be drenched with a bucket of cold water before being set free. It was the best I could do for it in the circumstances and it suffered no serious harm from its chastisement. No physical harm, that is, I cannot speak for its psychological condition. I also extracted a solemn pledge from the clown not to seek further vengeance or harass the animal in any way.
That episode taught me a lot about humans. They love to express liberal sentiments about justice and compassion until they’ve been mugged – then they become hanging judges.
Labels: cat burglar, hanging judge, Inflatable breasts
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"The clown was caught off guard while doing his stretching exercises, but was able to identify the animal as one of our camp followers."
I totally misinterpreted that sentence ... I read it in a more Christopher Biggins sense. Had the perpetrator really been Mr Biggins, I'll bet the Clown would have been even more outraged.
x
I totally misinterpreted that sentence ... I read it in a more Christopher Biggins sense. Had the perpetrator really been Mr Biggins, I'll bet the Clown would have been even more outraged.
x
You could have put the cat in a spin dryer, that would have helped... or maybe made it wear a hi-vi?
# posted by 
: Tuesday, December 16, 2008
: Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Yes, given the power, many humans would be hanging judges.
Now to the question: What in the name of all that is primate would anyone want with $200,000 worth of inflatable boobs?
Now to the question: What in the name of all that is primate would anyone want with $200,000 worth of inflatable boobs?
i would be a hanging judge...only if the judgment would be carried out posthaste...no lingering about and appeals and all that crap...
so is that top photo you when you finally relented for the australian torist? - I imagined you to be a ittle hairier
The clown-administered justice system would have saved many months and many tax dollars on any of the O.J. Simpson trials.
They love to express liberal sentiments about justice and compassion until they’ve been mugged – then they become hanging judges So true. If only cats and other members of the criminal fraternity would learn though - it'll be in that the window for another kipper, just mark my words.
is that a photo of Patient X?
http://nursemyra.wordpress.com/2008/12/08/only-at-the-gimcrack/
http://nursemyra.wordpress.com/2008/12/08/only-at-the-gimcrack/
# posted by : Wednesday, December 17, 2008
: Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Red Squirrel: Perhaps they should rename it 'The Daily Gallows'.
Kitty: Was he Nero in I Claudius? Plump fellow with a bit of a pout?
Mutley: That sort of thing only works in Tom and Jerry cartoons. Dog owners tend to have funny ideas about cats.
Scarlet: I would be the first to protect your furry creatures, Miss Scarlet.
Saintly Nick: I believe the Australian magazine was planning to give them to loyal readers for Christmas.
Daisy: Why not be the executioner as well? See the job through to it's conclusion.
Lulu: You are asking to be spanked, Madam! As if I'd fit into a suit that tight!
XL: O.J. Simpson should have hanged himself before he was arrested to save everyone a lot of time and money.
Gadjo: You don't think the soaking taught it a lesson? Wouldn't you go straight after being drenched with a bucket of cold water?
Nursemyra: I think he might be too young, Nursie. And too alive.
Kitty: Was he Nero in I Claudius? Plump fellow with a bit of a pout?
Mutley: That sort of thing only works in Tom and Jerry cartoons. Dog owners tend to have funny ideas about cats.
Scarlet: I would be the first to protect your furry creatures, Miss Scarlet.
Saintly Nick: I believe the Australian magazine was planning to give them to loyal readers for Christmas.
Daisy: Why not be the executioner as well? See the job through to it's conclusion.
Lulu: You are asking to be spanked, Madam! As if I'd fit into a suit that tight!
XL: O.J. Simpson should have hanged himself before he was arrested to save everyone a lot of time and money.
Gadjo: You don't think the soaking taught it a lesson? Wouldn't you go straight after being drenched with a bucket of cold water?
Nursemyra: I think he might be too young, Nursie. And too alive.
If cats had the vote capital punishment would be the least of our worries. We'd all be slave labourers, working on kipper farms. The dogs would defect to the cat side. It would be us and some mice against the new Reich. We'd be absolutely fucked, especially if they called in the foreign lion/tiger allies. Clowns had better stop pissing these felines off, for all our sakes.
The clown should watch his back doing his stretches from now on. Forget twelve angry men - the cat looks murderous, Mr B. Next time you hear a camp follower cry out in the manner of Mrs Slocombe, I think we know where Tiddles will be ...
Ruf is going to love the description 'milk dumplings'.
As to hanging judges, Im afraid Im far too lenient. I always get worried in case maybe... just maybe... the person on trial might actually be innocent.
As to hanging judges, Im afraid Im far too lenient. I always get worried in case maybe... just maybe... the person on trial might actually be innocent.
Now you tell me they are inflatable breasts. I was doing a roaring trade down at the maternity ward with them, selling them off as hemorrhoid cushions!
Daisy: Not unless the method of execution were anal fisting, which would definitely be a cruel and unusual punishment.
Mr Boyo: Lions are too arrogant and racist to team with other cats. It's just as well, because if all the cats got together we primates would be properly buggered.
Kate: Haha Kate, you remember Mrs Slocombe! But her pussy was never a threat to anyone, she always spoke of it affectionately.
Nothingman: Not if you want to stroke it. I can see you're no cat lover.
Mrs Cake: Good thing you're not a judge, Mrs Cake. If the accused were a Ray Liotta type who made eyes at you, you'd left him off with a suspended sentence.
Emma: I'm glad they're being put to such good use. Frankly, I don't see what so funny about breasts. I bet no one laughed when you exposed yours.
Topiary Cow: I suspect they were laughing at him when the picture was taken. Cats hate laughter.
Mr Boyo: Lions are too arrogant and racist to team with other cats. It's just as well, because if all the cats got together we primates would be properly buggered.
Kate: Haha Kate, you remember Mrs Slocombe! But her pussy was never a threat to anyone, she always spoke of it affectionately.
Nothingman: Not if you want to stroke it. I can see you're no cat lover.
Mrs Cake: Good thing you're not a judge, Mrs Cake. If the accused were a Ray Liotta type who made eyes at you, you'd left him off with a suspended sentence.
Emma: I'm glad they're being put to such good use. Frankly, I don't see what so funny about breasts. I bet no one laughed when you exposed yours.
Topiary Cow: I suspect they were laughing at him when the picture was taken. Cats hate laughter.
I must say when I saw the title of this post I got pretty excited yet was left slightly blue-balled: when I saw the words stolen boobs and wet pussy,I was expecting somthing a bit hardcore - damn you for fanny teasing me GB!! Now I must find my fella and demand 'Schnoo-schnoo!'
I was burgled in June. The whole experience is unsettling of course, but consumer durables are easily replaced. The photographs of me and a member of the judiciary taken in Livorno on April Fools Day, however, are beyond value and will probably shore up someone's depleted pension in due course. It didn't turn me into a hanger and flogger, though. Noblesse oblige.
we liked to put doll clothes on our cats when i was little. i think it works better than water as far as torture goes.
I read somewhere the cat exacted his own revenge post trial. Something about stealing the clown's rubber nose...
:)
:)
# posted by : Thursday, December 18, 2008
: Thursday, December 18, 2008
Ms Lamb: I'm glad I got you in the mood for him. You can borrow the picture of the wet pussy for future use as well.
Mrs Pouncer: Were you dressed as a wet nurse in that picture? A lot of these judges like being adult babies.
Mr Boyo: Is that Foghorn Leghorn? It might be more prudent for judges to vacation outside the jurisdiction of the European Union.
Kara: You mean you left your dolls nekkid? Tut.
Mrs Cheeks: Not a bad idea if the cat can resist eating it.
Mrs Pouncer: Were you dressed as a wet nurse in that picture? A lot of these judges like being adult babies.
Mr Boyo: Is that Foghorn Leghorn? It might be more prudent for judges to vacation outside the jurisdiction of the European Union.
Kara: You mean you left your dolls nekkid? Tut.
Mrs Cheeks: Not a bad idea if the cat can resist eating it.
A cat once came into my tent when I was opn a camping holiday and SEEMINGLY did no damage or stole anything.
However, when I got my photos developed from that holiday, there was ONE photo of said cat with MY tootbrush up its arse.
Little b*stard.
However, when I got my photos developed from that holiday, there was ONE photo of said cat with MY tootbrush up its arse.
Little b*stard.
"the question of whether producing comedy boobs on an industrial scale is an appropriate use of resources in the current economic climate."
Hmmmm ... Well, can't we say this current economic climate has somewhat been caused by some comedic boobs?
Hmmmm ... Well, can't we say this current economic climate has somewhat been caused by some comedic boobs?
I can't not feel sorry for the cat. He's probably messed up as a result and takes revenge on other cats for no apparent reason.
It is admirable that you always deliver on your posts!
Personally, I do feel sorry for the cat, but underneath that sulky expression I can read guilt: she knew that wasn't her kipper to take.
Personally, I do feel sorry for the cat, but underneath that sulky expression I can read guilt: she knew that wasn't her kipper to take.
Pi: It would probably take it out on a mouse.
Julian: It was obviously the victim of an assault, you silly man. Cats don't shove toothbrushes up their own arses.
Practically Joe: Not all boobs are funny though - comedy is not that easy.
Dave Bones: That pussy needs a saucer of warm milk and a blow dry.
Polly: You are a compassionate woman. I would make you the mistress of a home for traumatised cats.
Mosha: You sound as if you've met a few taxi drivers in your time!
Mary: Thanks Mary. I'm sure it also thinks that the punishment was greater than the offence.
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Julian: It was obviously the victim of an assault, you silly man. Cats don't shove toothbrushes up their own arses.
Practically Joe: Not all boobs are funny though - comedy is not that easy.
Dave Bones: That pussy needs a saucer of warm milk and a blow dry.
Polly: You are a compassionate woman. I would make you the mistress of a home for traumatised cats.
Mosha: You sound as if you've met a few taxi drivers in your time!
Mary: Thanks Mary. I'm sure it also thinks that the punishment was greater than the offence.
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