Monday, December 22, 2008

The Italian Knob

An Italian visitor declares that Silvio Berlusconi is the biggest “pezzo di merda” in Western Europe. I feel obliged to reprimand him for his intemperate outburst.

“Sir, your remark is uncharitable for the Christmas season. Western Europe is full of enormous pezzi di merda. Perhaps Signor Berlusconi is the biggest one in Italy, although he has tough competition, what with the Mafia and Lapo Elkann.”

There follows a civil exchange of views in which our guest cites the following examples of objectionable conduct by the Italian prime minister:

1) He wore a headscarf following a hair transplant operation, giving the excuse that he had whimsically decided to dress like a pirate.

2) He discussed his wife’s extramarital affairs with other European politicians.

3) He complimented the American president-elect on his tan.

I offer no mitigation for the first complaint. The leader of a civilised nation should never give succour to pirates, even if it is limited to copying their sartorial habits. We quickly dismiss the possibility that he had converted to Islam and was wearing the hijab. A hedonistic fellow like Berlusconi would never give up wine purely to adopt a particular form of headdress.

On the second allegation, I am far more inclined to leniency. Frankly, I can’t see much wrong in gossiping about your estranged wife’s sex life, even if the aim is to divert attention from your own debaucheries. A cuckold has his rights, and it wasn’t as if he was kissing-and-telling or revealing bedroom secrets. Indeed, his behaviour may have done much to dispel the unpleasant stereotype of the jealous Latin lover, chasing his rival with a meat cleaver.

On the third point, I am not sure what to think. Barry Obama certainly has a fine-looking tan, but drawing attention to it may be tactless. I know enough about humans to be aware that a hue obtained from a visit to the tropics is crucially different from a congenital complexion. All the same, I sense that Barry is the kind of man to take such remarks in his stride and give the wag making them a smack on the back for his impudence. He certainly has the sun-tanned look of a coffee-commercial actor. Perhaps he should star in such an advertisement with the Secretary of State presumptive, to help her pay off her campaign debts. Imagine them together on a yacht, Barry loitering on deck with his shirt unbuttoned as Hillary brings him light refreshment in a bikini:

“Mmm-hmm! You sure make a mean cup of coffee, Hilldog!” he might say after savouring a long sip with his eyes closed.

I hear that the hotels in DC are fully booked for Barry’s inauguration in January. I expect they’re all terribly excited about the speech he is going to make. I hope he comes up with some new material rather than rehashing all the old stuff about “change, we can do it, yes we can”. If I were his speech writer, I’d make sure Britney Spears got a mention after all the trouble she’s been through. It’s very easy to criticise a woman for exposing her shaven cha-cha to photographers, but don’t forget that she was driven to it by her ex-husband, a worm so disreputable that even other worms find him slimy.

Never have I witnessed a celebrity divorce where the blame was so much on one side. Had I been the presiding judge, I would have sternly rebuked the repulsive rapster before plucking him like a Christmas fowl.

“Federline,” I would have said, “you are a talentless bounder! I hereby give full custody of the children to Miss Spears. You must also give her all your assets, including the clothes you are wearing. Officer of the court, strip this man at once! Leave his briefs on, though, he has caused enough offence for one day.”

Anyway, I hope that President Obama finds a job for Britney in his administration. Nothing too important, just a little something to allow her to regain her pride and present the middle finger to her critics. Given the state of her nether regions, ambassador to Brazil might be a good post.

The Japing Ape wishes his readers a Merry Christmas and will return in one week.

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I have the strangest sense of déja vu Mr Bananas. ;-)

Merry Christmas. x
here here....She certainly has a lovely pair of lips and it would be a shame not to let some of our world leaders witness their incredible eloquence (she has a nice mouth too).
Hope you have the best possible Christmas, Mr GB!
Ambassador to Brazil. Brilliant, GB, hats off.
As ever, those happiest in their own skin can be the most forgiving - 1)hirsute 2)discreet 3)open minded - Happy Christmas our own dear GB x
that man behind Silvio looks gobsmacked. as i would be in his position....

happiest of xmasses to my favourite ape xx
Oops.. looks like I'm going to need help to pay off champagne debts....
Happy Christmas Mr Bananas!
your blog very beautiful and more info,I like your blog
Kitty: Yes, Kitty, my secretary (a monkey) jumped the gun on this one.

EmmaK: The title of her autobiography should be 'So you've seen my twat - big deal'.

XL: And to you, Sir.

Inkspot: Glad you liked the idea. We ought to start a petition.

Kate: Thank you, dear Kate, your warmth uplifts me.

Nursemyra: He can't take his eyes off Silvio's scarf, Nursie. Hope you have a great one with the boys.

Scarlet: Are you tipsy, Miss Scarlet? I hope you're going to be good this Christmas.

Megat: Thank you indeed. I'm glad you find it praiseworthy.
thank you gorilla...just the right post for a monday morning when the wind chill is -25 degrees F...thankfully the furnace didn't blow out last night...
this guy isn't all that bad considering some of the things...well...we will leave that for another time, shall we...

*apparently my fingers are typing wrong names's too early...sorry for the previous one*
Have a very Merry Xmas Mr Bananas.
Far be it that the Beast should start yet another conspiracy theory . However....
Did you ever wonder at the coincedence of Miss Spears Missing Muff and the sudden Berusconi implants.....The truth is out there Mr B
I reckon Silvio's mate is planning to nick the scarf so he can hide his strange tan line.

Are you off to swing in the jungle Mr B? If you are, take my old auntie's advice 'take care of your tackle and you'll be able to use it again'.
Merry Christmas GB!
Poor Britney...they should put her to work in Obama's cabinet right away. She couldn't harm his reputation anymore than he's going to anyways.
Love to read your posts!
Cow is very happy to learn that Christmas is celebrated in the Congo, and wishes GB a multitude of presents, twinkly lights, and Holiday Cheer!

BEAST has a very good point....

I reckon the pap bastard that took the photo should be made to publicly walk around naked with pink pube extensions....
Any politician who dresses like a pirate is ok by me, Mr Bananas.

Have a very merry Christmas! (The postman hasn't delivered my Bananarand yet, though I suspect it might just be Royal Mail being incompetent again.)

J x
Silvio Berlusconi looks like Yul Bryner.
Daisy: Hello Daisy, I'm sure you know a lot more about Silvio than I do. I hope things warm up for you soon.

Beast: I can't think of a better place for Britney's muff, Beast. But was it the right colour for Silvio's pate?

Lulu: Your auntie sounds like a wise old bird. Equipment is easily damaged in the jungle so we use it sparingly.

Mrs Cheeks: Glad to have pleased you, Mrs Cheeks. Britney might even enhance his reputation, she seems to have lost none of her popularity.

Topiary Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow. I hope you have plenty of festive fun as well.

Ms Lamb: They're dreadful aren't they? But I'm glad she seems to have shrugged it off.

Jade: Merry Xmas, Miss Jade. I'm going to design a special one for you.

Scarlet: Do you like the bullet head, Miss Scarlet?
Have a very merry Christmas, Nanas, me ole blog chum.
Barack is getting a little heat for his choice of minister in swearing him in. Of course, I don't know how you can pick any religiou figure without generating some controversary. They're all nutters, to varying degrees. That's no comment on people of faith, just people who make a career out of it.
GB, sorry I've not been around for a bit, but the press of business as precluded bog-surfing.

Pleas accept these greetings to you and your harem, pride, whatever for a a happy Christmas (my further apologies for assuming an Anglican inclination)to you and yours.

Well have a great Holiday Season and Happy New Year. I thought the pussy shot was over done.
Same to you with knobs on
Cabbages with clogs on
Can't remember the third line
And you with dirty knickers on.

Just googled:
Same to you with knobs on,

Cabbages with clogs on,

Elephants with slippers on,

And you with dirty knickers on.

Just seemed relevant somehow.
Have a good one!
Maybe the bandana look is to hide the application of cranial screw top brain surgery. And that even now, Berlosconi's brain is somewhere in a liquid filled jar, awaiting to find some numpty who needs it more.
Cow no stuck imagining cabbages with clogs on...

Sam: And to you, Sam, it's always good to hear from you.

ChrisV: I guess he's learning that you can't please everyone.

Randall: That's OK, Randall, Christmas blessings to you and your family. I am happy to be co-opted by all pious denominations!

Tarf: Merry Christmas Mr Tarf! I think that pussy deserves its privacy now.

Pi: Many thanks, I'll try to be worthy of your verse.

Madame Defarge: His brain could certainly do with a good soak-and rinse. I expect his mouth can function without it in the meantime.

Topiary Cow: Merry Christmas, Ms Cow. I'm sure you'll soon be thinking of other things.
Merry Christmas darling!
I couldn't stop laughing at the imagery of Barry and Hillary! Thanks for the laughs :)

And Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas Mr Bananas!
Merry thingy Bananas old sport!
Sabrina: And to you, hon.

Terra: You're welcome, Terra. Welcome and Happy Xmas.

Scarlet: And a spankingly good one to you, Miss Scarlet!

Kevin: Thanks, Kevin. I hope your one is jovial too.
Happy Holidays and may good things happen to you in 2009 xx
Right as ever, GB.

Furthermore, Sir Barack of the Bahamas ought to decree that Federline hands over his surname to Britney. Spears is an amusing name, but Britney Federline sounds like the sort of young lady any Confederate colonel would happily escort to a cotillion.

Happy New Year to you, in the hope that 2009 will bring both of your native Congoes God's much-needed gift of peace.
britney spears' kitty bits are enough to ruin any holiday.

merry merry, goranas. i'd send you a pie, if i could make one.
The thought of a bikini clad Hillary is going to give me nightmares for sure! Now, Barry on deck with his shirt unbuttoned....that's another story. ;)

Hope you had a great week!
Ive always had a soft spot for Mr Berlusconi - he has a great smile :)

Festive greetings Mr Bananas x
Sorry for tardy Yuletide greetings, GB, just arrived back from the Yuke. Thanks for all your excellent posts this year, and I look forward to more of the same in 2009 - possibly a tad less tits 'n' bums ... ?? And I second Boyo's wishes for peace in your neck of the woods. Stay safe, old friend. xx
In my opinion, one of the biggest “pezzos di merda” (pieces of shit) in Western Europe is none other than Amy Winehouse.
Nursemyra: And to you, Nursie, you are truly gorgeous.

Mr Boyo: Thank you, Mr Boyo. For Barry to placate citizens nostalgic for the Confederacy might be a very prudent step, all things considered.

Kara: And to you, Missy. I could give you the recipe for a pie, but I'd be happy just to see you wearing an apron.

Belle: Hello and welcome Belle! I hope both Barry and Hillary will have their own fan clubs.

Mrs Cake: Merry Christmas, Mrs Cake. I'm sure many women have found Silvio to be a charming rogue.

Lady Daphne: Merry Christmas, milady, and thank you for your good wishes. Your visits have always elevated the tone here. The tits and bums are rationed according to an old Congo formula.

Static: I never realised she came in more than one piece.
@GB - she does, her mind for one are many many shattered pieces of shit, alright.
I too love the image of Hilary Clinton serving the president-elect light refreshment. My husband, a Hilary fan, would be less enthusiastic.

(I'm finding it hard to write just now: Static's avatar is making me a little jittery)
Jitter! Ja-jittery jitter jit jsdajksabbcxbvjhdfamnvbmabcvkjxvzmnbvajhrgie!

He's a flashy fellow, Mary, we must bear his palpitations.
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