Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Leader of the pack

I hear that Dian Fossey’s old flame Titus has recently appeared on British TV. This silverbacked rascal rose to fame in Rwanda, his every move watched by a succession of female naturalists who fell hopelessly in love with him. Titus, you see, is one of those gorillas who can charm the knickers off a woman. He just gazes deeply into their eyes and they think he is noble and wise and a lot of other things he most certainly isn’t. Not bad for an ape who mates with his hands clasped behind his head. The profusion of words that these ladies have written about him can be summed up in the lyrics of a famous song:

They said he was bad
But I knew he was sad
That’s why I fell for the leader of the pack
(Vroom! Vroom!)

For my own part, I always take pains not to arouse the amorous feelings of female zoologists. Whenever one of these women appears with notebook in hand, I slip on a pair of dark glasses to avoid seductive eye contact. After formally introducing myself, I offer to check her notes for accuracy. One thing leads to another and I usually end up counselling her on personal matters, which puts our relationship on a professional basis. It seems that these ladies often develop an interest in gorillas after becoming disenchanted with men. Having been led down the garden path by deceitful hairless ones, they dream of being led up a tree by an honest hairy one. Or so they imagine. I make it my mission to put them straight on a few home truths about male gorillas, so they leave the jungle a little less starry-eyed than they entered it.

In some ways, of course, we are more reliable than men. One thing we would never do is secretly film our trysts with a lady in order to blackmail her. The latest woman to fall victim to this contemptible scam is Frau Susanne Klatten, Germany’s wealthiest woman (and a right little raver between the sheets, so they say). I greatly admire her for refusing to pay her extortionist a penny and instructing the local constabulary to frogmarch the miserable cur to the nearest gaol. May he be tarred and feathered until he resembles Mother Goose.

After an experience like that, I wouldn’t blame Frau Klatten for going off men completely. There is only so much chicanery that a lady can take before losing interest in suitors of her own species. It must be difficult for a well-to-do woman to have healthy physical relations with men who’d rather be loosening her purse string than her g-string. Alas, these despicable adventurers swarm around rich ladies like flies near a honey pot.

It goes without saying that Susanne would receive a warm welcome if she visited my band in the Congo. I’d extend her every courtesy and show her the glories of the African landscape from a suitable vantage point in one of our sturdiest trees. I don’t speak German, but when ape meets woman in the glow of a tropical sunset a few grunts are all that’s required to capture the mood of the moment. If she later insisted on writing a fat cheque to fund our worthy conservation efforts, I might find it difficult to refuse her generosity – these successful career women are used to having their way. Gorilla Bananas is no gigolo, but he knows when to bend with the breeze.

Labels: , ,

Why not fuck her like always? I got banned from Facebook by those ideas!

Make appeal for me here
Straight to the point Mu... Erm... only moths in my purse I'm afraid...
I never saw Gorillas in the Mist, but I can understand the attraction for disappointed women now. Mating with hands clasped behind the head - that's a new one on me, and it sounds quite relaxing!
I thought all men mated with their hands clasped behind their heads?
A particularly courteous, thoughtful and gentlemanly post, GB. All Souls will be advertising Senior Research Fellowships shortly; I hope you will consider applying.
Wow, I wish I'd seen the BBC film, I wonder if it's on their iPlayer? I will never forget the film 'Gorillas in the Mist' - I was so upset after seeing it. The mindless violence towards the gorillas was profoundly shocking to me.

Titus sounds like a real character. Do you have the orange plume that he had, Mr Bananas? x
Mu Tai Dong: The real Mu Tai Dong wouldn't use the f-word, you devious impostor!

Scarlet: That's a funny place to put them, Miss Scarlet. I must remember to lend you my moth balls.

Gadjo: It helps exercise the lower back, but the females find it rather blasé.

Nursemyra: You must have had some unusual lovers, Nursie.

Inkspot: Well thank you, but I think I'll pass on the research fellowship. I'd feel quite foolish putting on a gown.

Kitty: I believe he put an orange streak in his hair using a dye made from monkey piss and dried elephant dung. He was quite a vain fellow.
Alpha male gorilla in shades Mr B? Seductive and mysterious - Ms Klatten would be helpless.
We know you are a cad, Mr Bananas. A gentlemanly one, but a cad nonetheless.
Actually it's quite a sensuous thing to put your hands behind your head. It tightens the skin so the nerves are nearer the surface and one can feel more. Try it.
Screwed-up donzelles that take a walk in parasols !
Ah ! the nature has its secrets !
These ladies leave the urban jungle to be done a reputation of which the big monkeys have only to do !

Are she attracted by the fur ? Certainly ! Well more than their big eyes that asks only to live in peace !

With my tree I lived happy !
A not very rustic a not very crude one , of which one does does not import what , except naturally the flutes ...
Poor Frau Klatten. We women are fools in love. We trust implicitly... this is a weakness which less honourable men are happy to exploit.

Ruf has been known to position his hands behind his head when thrusting... normally because he's been at it for hours and his back is playing up but he knows there will be hell to pay if he stops too soon :)

Im not much of a tree climber MrB, but then I dont have the funds to be a philanthropist either, so I guess Im never going to see the African sunset from that angle :(
Chicanery? *chortle*
Kate: You flatter me Kate. If we ever meet, I'll be sure to put on my shades.

Jade: You bring out the beast in me, Miss Jade. I'd like to feed you chocolate until your lips were gooey.

Pi: What skin are you talking about? On the hands or somewhere else?

Crabtree: Monsieur, I have no doubt you tree is a place for monkey business of the most amusing kind.

Mrs Cake: I do hope you don't wear Ruf out with all this incessant bonking, Mrs Cake. I would gladly give you a leg up any tree without payment.

Red Squirrel: Was that a doubke-entendre? You must know things I've never even heard of.
I make big mistakes on here and FB, is word I here all times...

Titus is a media whore
when will women learn that camera's don't belong with sex?

wait...what am i saying.
I feel your pain, Mr. Bananas.

I also try not to arouse female zoologists, but alas, I am just too damnably attractive for my own good.
You'd think Ms. Klatten would be a little smarter. It's a dangerous game to allow yourself to be filmed or photographed nude. Inevitably it will end up being peddled to the common man.

That's why I will only allow myself to be put on canvas. If you're going to stare at my tallywhacker, it will be while standing behind a red velvet rope at the Louvre.
That wasn't a subtle yet shameless plug for a certain UK-based confectioner was it Mr Bananas? I've already seen your chum and his drums on the telly - please don't tell me you're on their payroll too.....I already adore your hairy little self enough without throwing cadbury's staff discount into the mix.
Mut Tai Dong: You also forgot the Chinese characters.

Ms Bananasfk: Yes indeed, Titus is an ape-ho.

Kara: Just make sure your face is out of shot, Missy. Your body is anonymous to most people.

Lord Likely: I suggest you give up the struggle and let them have their way with you, m'lud.

ChrisV82: I wonder what nude models think about when they're being painted. It could get quite boring.

Jade: I assure you that sorry ape was no relation, Miss Jade. My musical ability lies in wind rather than percussion. And the brand of chocolate he advertised was distinctly B-grade. I had in mind something darker and richer for your soft mouth.
Maybe she didn't buy him the right brand of hair pommade. A catamite must be given little treats occasionally or they turn nasty.
I'm very good at wind instruments Mr Bananas. Maybe busking will pay my way...?
All over - silly!
Funny how these men thought adultery would merit a payoff.

(Cow mournfully contemplating the decline of modern morals).

Titus is quite cute. And so is Miss Susanne, Richest Girl in Germany. Cow suggests they get together, without any naturalists with notepads, and make beautiful music, and afterwards maybe she could donate millions to save the Congo.

Just like Madelaine Pickens did to save the burros and horses. Maybe it could become the fashion in billionaires, to save some small bits of wildland and wildlife from human predation.

I found it on iPlayer and I must admit that Titus does have a certain charm, altho the less symmetrical features of Beatsme were not unattractive either. Some parts of the programme made for very upsetting viewing :(

I promise not to wear Ruf out MrB. This is why I selected a toyboy and also why it's good that we only get together once a month. Refraction time :)
Lady Daphne: Are you referring to Titus, milady? I believe he favours a dab of orange dye on the forehead.

Scarlet: There's no charge for you, Miss Scarlet. Toot away on your sax and we'll boogie the night away.

Pi: It sounds better than a facelift!

Topiary Cow: It would be a match made in heaven, Ms Cow. The gorilla nation needs alliances with women like Susanne. And whatever she does with Titus, we'd never blackmail her.

Mrs Cake: No wonder he gives you a month's worth of pelvic action everytime you get together.
Worrying. Tres. D'un certain age. Fluent German. Substantial private income. Associates with an unreliable man with a plausible manner. Hmmm.

Ill-advised heavy drinking .... a certain insouciance with prescription drugs ... no memory of previous evening ... hideous flashbacks .... I think we can all draw a valuable lesson from Frau Klatten's mess. Das muss man als wichtiges Anliegen erkennen, as we old Stocker hands drearily intone.
Frau Klatten ought always to have a team of trained lesbians to film her trysts. If any cad tries to blackmail her, she can simply release her own video complete with disparaging comments by the Sapphists about his equipment, performance, gender etc. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the Ganse.
Oh i'm willing to put my top dollar on it that you gorillas are better than men in every way possible! I bet you fellas would never play games with a woman's feelings!
I'm sure you're a gent in every way GB but what would put me off getting in a tryst with you is the fact that gorillas only copulate for an average of 2 mins at which point I would be left high and dry. I suppose we could find other ways to communicate though, I'd pick your nits and you'd pick mine perhaps?
Mrs Pouncer: If you can't remember it and no one took pictures it probably didn't happen.

Mr Boyo: The trained lesbian entourage is a must for every rich woman these days. No one messes with trained lesbians.

Sabrina: I hope not Saby! There'll always be room on my branch for your sexy butt!

Emma: Don't worry about that, Emma, I'd toy with you for an hour before getting to the copulation.
Long time no see Mr Bananas! I reckon Fraulein Bedhopper should become pals with Paris Hilton and make another video together. I can jus picture it, pink thongs, pink didgereedoos. Video would be entitled 'Pink double act'....
Frau Klatten could use a dose of honest jungle love ;D

And your theory regarding woman's disenchantment with male homo sapiens could also explain my neighbors' devotion to her grumpy tom cat.
i tend to do the eye thing...i'm very expressive with my eyes...and have let people know my deepest intention without a word...then again...i am deceptive with them as well...
You are indeed a gentleman Mr Bananas - a rare thing in this day and age...
I agree mutley...I agree...:P
Nuvalostlamb: Welcome back, Ms Lamb! I see you've lost none of your cheeky pinkness. Have you ever blown a didgeridoo?

Letty: It might also explain why the cat is grumpy. Toms are usually good-natured, but not if you try to kiss them.

Daisy: I'm sure you are equally adept at poker and seduction.

Mutley: Well thank you, Sir, although gentle-ape would be more accurate.

Michelle: Hello Michelle and welcome to the jungle!
gorilla...the most important play in both is knowing when to hold em...
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin