Monday, November 10, 2008

Icelandic Saga

Iceland’s red-nosed natives are protesting that they’re not terrorists. Did anyone actually accuse them of being so? Terrorists or not, they obviously have a guilty conscience about something. The ringleader of the movement is a photographer called Thorkel Thorkelsson. It sounds like the name of one of those rude characters who rowed about in a longboat looking for places to loot and pillage. A man of such ancestry ought to keep a low profile to avoid re-opening ancient wounds. Maybe they should change the slogan on their placards to “We are no longer terrorists!” They won’t win any sympathy by overstating their case.

I know next to nothing about Iceland and have no wish to stir the pot of discord or fan the flames of unrest. The only Icelander I ever spoke to was a pretty little woman I met in a park in London. She walked up to me while I was reading a comic and spoke to me in one of those sing-songy Nordic voices.

“I have had sex with Elvis.” she said.

“No you haven’t,” I replied. “You are far too young to have done that. There’s no point trying to impress people with blatant falsehoods.”

She seemed taken aback by my curt repudiation of her claim.

“I am not too young!” she insisted. “I am 22 years. That is not too young to have sex!”

“It is too young to have done it with Elvis!” I countered. “When he died, the gleam in your daddy’s eye had not yet become a wet spot on your mummy’s panties. I hope you’re not one of those silly people who thinks that Elvis is still alive and composing rock ballads with Buddy Holly somewhere in Wyoming.”

“Not EL-VIS!” she cried, doing a little jig to emphasize her point. “EL-VES! I have had sex with EL-VES!”

Her funny little accent had caused me to misconstrue her meaning. However the amended assertion was only slightly less far-fetched.

“Have you indeed?” I said. “Please describe these so-called elves on whom you bestowed your carnal favours. Men of low character often use deception to smooth the path of seduction. The impersonation of elves might be yet another devious tactic employed for that end.”

“Elves are tall, beautiful people with blue eyes and blond hair. They can make themselves invisible and are very gentle lovers. To have sex with an elf is like being licked by a hundred tongues.”

Had I been feeling sarcastic, I might have congratulated her on knowing what it feels like to be an ice-lolly in a bus full of Norwegian tourists. But I had grown rather fond of this earnest little madam and her elvish fantasies, so I decided to adopt a more avuncular tone. She told me that her name was Hallgerdur and that she planned to write a book about her sexual adventures with elves. I advised her to test the water by first documenting her experiences in a blog, and I’m pleased to say that she
acted on my suggestion.

These Icelanders are certainly an odd bunch. I put it down to living on a rocky island at the edge of the world. Humans in such far-flung locations often adopt strange habits to make people notice them. New Zealand is another place inhabited by a weird collection of humans. Many years ago, I remember seeing a TV clip of a Maori exposing his rump to the Queen of England, there on a state visit. It seemed an utterly futile act – the Queen had spent her entire life ignoring bottoms and certainly wasn’t going to inspect one that wasn’t part of her official itinerary.

When I later mentioned this incident to a New Zealander on safari, he said that the man had been protesting about the annexation of his ancestral land by an officer of the British Crown. Being a fair-minded ape, I revised my opinion of him. You can’t blame a fellow for mooning at people to draw attention to the theft of his property. If any henchman of the Queen of England stole my land, she’d be sniffing my hairy arse for breakfast, lunch and supper.

Labels: , , ,

Mr Bananas, there is a lot to digest having read your latest post, but I feel compelled to share my utter delight at the spectacular image parading around in my head of your fine self reading comics in a London park.

I have only ever been to Iceland once, but cannot enlighten you any further as to the vagaries of Scandinavian culture having discovered Brennivin (happily otherwise known as The Black Death) soon after stepping off the plane.

Ok i believe in elves and all but i certainly don't wanna do the dirty with anyone one of them!

But the thought of a hundred tongues is just yum!!!....*sigh*
Orlando Bloom was quite attractive in Lord of the Rings but I couldn't push the thought out of my mind that he probably didn't have a penis.
Orlando Bloom is missing a penis? King Missile should write a song about that.
Does Maori love also involve 100 tongues Mr B? The last photo's a great find - like something from Viz's 'up the bum' corner. The Haka men look terrified (the one on the left has a pepperami, the one on the right has realised he accidentally brought a shoe horn and they've just seen what the cross eyed ladyboy has got in his/her hand...)
So... Mr Bananas... erm... where can I find these nice Elf men???
Your post has caused me to think about my Gran in a totally new way and realise I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. She always used to say "I don't care if I am rich or not, as long as I have my elf- your elf is the secret to suck ses". To be honest I never had her down as a horn old bint, nor did I know the elves were called Ses.
Jade: Perhaps we shall one day meet in a London park, Miss Jade. I'll be sure to be reading a comic so you recognise me.

Sabrina: I like the sound of your sigh, Saby! I hope you get all the tongues you need.

Lady Daphne: Perhaps he should have stuffed a few socks into his briefs like the ballet dancers, milady.

Nurse Myra: He may just have mislaid it, Nursie. Left it somewhere by mistake.

Kate: I thought they were keen on rubbing noses, Kate. I was hoping the one in the middle was a genuine lady, but unfortunately her bosom is out of shot.

Scarlet: You'll have to ask Hallgerdur, Miss Scarlet. Or you could come to me and close your eyes - it'll feel just the same.

Uncle Norman: What a fine old lady! As keen to give pleasure as receive it.
elves are hot. but thinking that you've really REALLY (really?) had sex with them - i'm baffled
I think you should refer the lady to these two enterprising, gents, Bananas...
Like Daphne, I too found the elves in LOTR quite attractive... if rather fey. It must be their tall, lean physiques and all that blonde hair. I never realised that they were penis-less and am now wondering how they managed to propogate their line...?
I was going to ask the same thing as Scarlet-blue, would your answer to her be the same one you'd offer to all your readers?

I like that the three Icelanders in the picture at the top of your post are all wearing football shirts from British football teams.

Strewth, that ice maiden was something special! I used to know a woman from Akureyri, but she was a physiotherapist and very sensible, so it can't have been her. I bet thet queen secretly enjoys seeing bottoms, though - she must get so bored of all that other stuff she has to do.
I visited Sweden and Finland as a boy. I remember walking past a shop that diplayed contraception like confectionery.

Very confusing when you're ten years old.
Cow has always wondered about the deep spiritual connection between those who had S*x with Elvis, and those who did Elves.

Cow is grateful for Gorilla enlightening this Topiary.

Gugaw: Hello Miss Gugaw. Some people have an imagination so powerful that it overwhelms their sense of reality.

The Dotterel: Clever boys! But they wouldn't get their hands on Hallgerdur's boobies!

Mrs Cake: I never realised they were dickless either. Perhaps sperm is secreted from their elvish tongues.

Kitty: Not necessarily to all my readers, Kitty, but yes to you!

Gadjo: If you go through her archives you'll find her picture. The queen might enjoy it, but she'll never show it on her face.

Mosha: Someone should have told you about the Scandinavian sweet tooth.

Topiary Cow: You're welcome, Ms Cow, although it was more of a confusion than a connection.
No no you can't have tall elves. You'll be telling me fairies don't have wings next.
Uncle Norm's a card!
...fairies, elves, midgets; what's going on then ? And what's the difference as Gareth said, between midgets and dwarves ? - and elves for that matter...Iceland's full of volcanoes, and Greenland's full of ice. Lovely places to visit, with very hospitable elvic hosts...
"When he died, the gleam in your daddy’s eye had not yet become a wet spot on your mummy’s panties."

I think this has to go right into my all time top five lines read at Nanas.

You excel, Furry.
I can only imagine what it might feel like to be licked by a hundred tongues.
I'm workin on it. Should probably just move to elf-country
Elves are better looking than Pixies and Sprites. And Fairies do have wings. I should know.
Pi: It was Tolkien's doing, he invented the tall elf.

Ayrdale: You wouldn't want to have sex with midgets or dwarves. I've only ever used them for juggling and tossing.

Sam: Thanks, Sam, feel free to quote it! I wonder what the other four are?

Static: You could try it with dogs first, they wouldn't charge you.

Sabrina: Good idea. A woman with your appetite for life should live somewhere with a little more action. I'd show you my tree etchings in the Congo.

Scarlet: Pixies are quite cute though, aren't they? Do you remember the Bisto advert? Or am I thinking of Rice Crispies?
My research into the ways of the Icelandic elf consists of reading Michael Dibdin's "And Then You Die", in which the detective Aurelio Zen sees many of the nation's oft-occluded huldufólk. If it's good enough for a drunk Italian copper who mistakes Iceland for the USA, I certainly can't complain.
So the terrorists are associating with Elves, i think you Mr Bananas should ring up George W Bush and get him to bomb it.
Once had a classroom assistant from Iceland who farted like a trooper. Silent ones that never quite went away. Eeuuurrrrggghh. Never wanted to go to Iceland as a result.
Loved your post!
Thank you so much for introducing me to Elf Girl's blog - in a blogosphere that has become increasingly stale, she is a little beacon of insanity and eccentricity that I will enjoy following!
No, no, no! The Bisto kids were just that: kids! Not elves or pixies at all. Snap, Crackle and Pop, the Rice Crispie trio, were pixie-ish, but not sufficiently authentic for my tastes. Not mischievous enough for elves, too sweet-looking for goblins. Definitely not gnomes, either. Sprites? Possibly, but one of them had a horrid deep voice. Spoilt everything. Sounded like the Jolly Green Giant.
Nothing is ever quite perfect, is it?
you can't trust a thing icelanders say...they wear swans as clothing.
The Bisto Kids still come into some of our libraries, though they've graduated to solvent-based odours these days.

I cannot for the life of me imagine Fudge the Elf having sex with an Icelander. Not even the intriguingly-eccentric Bjork, who seems to have a passing resemblance.
Mr Boyo: They're too nimble for an Italian copper to get his groping hands on, so I doubt he viewed them with an impartial eye.

Ms Bananasfk: Bombing is too good for them - they ought to be racked like Guido Fawkes.

Mrs Ladybird: Hello Ma'am! The lingering fart is the devil incarnate, but are you sure it came from your Icelandic visitor?

Emma: Unfortunately she's not posted for over a year!

Mrs Pouncer: They were detestable imps, every one of them. I would happily pour Bisto over a bowl of Rice Crispies to drown them in their own juices.

Kara: Swans would make quite good hats if you could tie them to your head and avoid getting pecked.

Kevin: That's because you're thinking of the traditional pixie-elf rather than the Tolkienesque creatures.
what's with the pop-ups on your new blog bra?
Imps! I KNEW there was another species, just couldn't think of the name.
You can still buy Imps (the anti-catarrh lozenges) and also Meloids, much beloved of amateur operatic societies. What you can't get, however, is Nigroids, which were much stronger. Do you remember their catchy slogan: Try Sucking a Nigroid? They disappeared sometime in the 1980s.
No sign of Thermogene these days, either. And the bottom seems to have dropped out of the liver salts market.
Nigroids had a laxative effect, so inadvisible to suck more than ten at a time.
Good heavens, I was wrong. Still available! See they've dropped the slogan, though. Pity.
I wonder whether you can still get Quilly's? There was really nothing better.
...As advertised by Sir Norman Tonsil and Mike Hunt, Mrs P? No, I don't think you can suck Quilly's any more.
Ah, I seem to remember the late Sir Humphrey Lyttelton exorting us to suck Quillys, or was it a Fisherman's Friend. In this politically correct age, though, sucking a Nigroid would result in you getting an earful.
Wow, she has dissapeared...intriguing, she must have been kidnapped by Elves. Methinks this is a case for the Pixie Police.
Kiki: If anything has changed it wasn't my doing. Take it up with the blogger people, my friend.

Mrs Pouncer: Perhaps you ought to try a suppository before contaminating your body with drugs.

Scarlet: Suck but don't swallow, Miss Scarlet.

Gadjo: I don't think the Nigroid would mind.

Emma: It's very sad that's she disappeared. She was such a cheerful girl.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin