Friday, October 31, 2008

Quantum of tookus

Wonderful to see my friend Danny Craig doing his Action Man stuff in the latest Bond flick. How far he has come from the whiny insecure actor who came to see me after signing on with Madam Broccoli.

“I’ll be another George Lazenby!” he wailed. “The critics will pan me and the actresses I kiss will eat garlic!”

“Don’t talk rot, Danny!” I cried. “The critics will worship you – and if any actress dares to eat garlic before you smooch her, stick a funnel in her mouth and pour in Listerine until she chokes!”

Thus reassured, Danny went on to do marvellous things in Casino Royale, jumping about like a Mexican bean and allowing his gonads to be whipped for Queen and country. Quantum of Solace is destined to be an ever bigger hit, not least because of the greater variety of totty for Bond to exert his loins upon. There’s a love scene in the film which I had a modest role in choreographing. During the shoot, Danny phoned me to say that he’d soon be planting kisses on the naked back of Miss Gemma Arterton, his delectable auburn-haired co-star:

“All the way down from her neck, GB!” he boasted excitedly. “Not bad, eh? It beats running like a hare in the action sequences!”

“All the way down!” I exclaimed in horror. “No, Danny, no! James Bond does not kiss arse, no matter how peachy and succulent! You must put your foot down!”

“But I don’t actually kiss her arse!” he protested. “Obviously they’ll cut before I get there or we’ll never get a 12A rating!”

“It doesn’t matter, Danny,” I replied. “Even implying that James Bond smooches butt is an absolute no-no. You must protect the integrity of the character for yourself and future generations of fans. Please insist on starting at the small of her back and working your way upwards.”

“You could be right,” he mused. “I’ll probably strain my neck going all the way down. Going up will give me a better posture and I’ll finish in shot.”

Those of you who’ve seen the movie will know that Danny acted on my advice. His mouth travels up Miss Arterton's spine while remaining a safe distance from her ravishing rump. Having said that, I have my doubts about Bond nibbling a woman's body like a gigolo
he’s obviously not a man for fannying about when he's got a lady where he wants her. I’m not convinced that any foreplay is actually necessary: the mere prospect of being pumped by 007 should bring a woman to within a single penetrative thrust of orgasm. Female agents of a more belligerent persuasion might feel the earth move if he forced them against a wall and stroked their crotch vigorously with his Walther PPK. Not very true to life, admittedly, but very much part of the fantasy. A man who cheats death fives times a day shouldn’t have to fiddle about with a lady’s bits and pieces to get her in the mood.

Although I love the Bond films, I have to say that my females are not the least bit impressed by 007 and his macho posturing. As well as being insufficiently hairy for their taste, his arms are too short for the kind of games they enjoy. They also assume he must be infertile, having mated with countless women without fathering a single child. This makes him little better than a eunuch to a female gorilla. They are intrigued by his gadgets, though, and were very fond of the late Desmond Llewellyn, who played ‘Q’. Age is no barrier to being a babe magnet in the jungle if your equipment is up to scratch.

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'The mere prospect of being pumped by 007 should bring a woman to within a single penetrative thrust of orgasm'? Really Mr GB? Miss Arterton looks like she is composing this week's shopping list or wondering if she turned off the gas. Tracy Draco - there was a Bond girl who looked like she could handle herself (and Bond). Much like Alpha female gorillas perhaps?
Insufficiently hairy? Did you not see Sean Connery in 'Never Say Never Again'? It looked like he was wearing a bath mat stuck to his chest - and he had enough silver hairs on his back to give you a run for your money...
Ms Arterton is watching the football on the telly. Judging by the look on her face it'll be something in the Northern Premiere League being presented by Sentanta.
“I’ll probably strain my neck going all the way down."
Where have I heard these words before...?
Neck strain can be obviated by choosing a suitable position; Mrs Pouncer has an illustrated manual which should make things quite clear. However, tongue cramp is a serious issue which has not yet been addressed. There is not even a German thesis on it; trust me, I have scoured the libraries.
Thank God at least some of our libraries have had a good scrub.
This "Danny" must be playing the villain Vladimir Putin from the look of things.
I'm happy to hear that Craig's doing a good job for Her Majesty. I was worried that he was too blond to be Bond, and that as well as lacking genuine hairiness he'd be constantly applying factor 15 sun lotion during outdoor scenes.
Kate: Ah, but poor Tracy died in Bond's arms. Pussy Galore was the one who floored him, although he inevitably got his way in the end.

Red Squirrel: Connery's tufts were mere bumfluff to a gorilla.

Kevin: I thought she was watching Barry Manilow perform. It would explain the slightly puzzled look on her face.

Scarlet: Whoever said it was unworthy of you, Miss Scarlet.

Inkspot: Tongue cramp is only a problem for those who don't exercise their tongues regularly. Mere talking isn't good enough, you've got to lap up milk from a saucer every day.

Emu: Licking a library would be a very silly thing to do.

XL: Is Mr Putin a back kisser then?

Gadjo: He was very, very upset when people started calling him 'James Blonde'. I had to give him a serious pep talk.
your female gorillas sound absolutely charming
"Mere talking isn't good enough, you've got to lap up milk from a saucer every day"

Have you been reading 'The Story of the Eye' by Georges Bataille again Mr B?
I'm with the female gorillas on this one. Those trunks were far too tight.
Mr Craig could kiss me whereever the hell he liked and he wouldn't be less of a Bond in my eyes. Oh to be a bond girl!
Any talk of 007 kissing butt must be tongue in cheek.
Mr Bananas , I am less worried about Mr Bonds bedroom shenanigans than the fact that National Treasure Judy Dench says a rude word....thats like our very own Mrs Pouncer doing a 'pull my finger' gag
Whatever next !
Nursemyra: I'll pass on your compliment, Nursie. They're great as long as they don't mob you en masse.

Scarlet: I wouldn't read such wicked French tales, Miss Scarlet! I was thinking of a certain Mr Galloway in a certain reality TV show.

Misssy: Yes, I think he'd look more manly in the toga virilis, which would also give his nutsack room to breathe.

Jade: I'd love to see you fulfill your ambition, Miss Jade. Do you have what it takes to betray a man you've just slept with?

Uncle Normant: Heh! I think Mr Bond keeps his tongue firmly inside his own cheek when he kisses.

Beast: What ever did she say? Did she call someone a bounder?
Sorry GB, I'd wiped the Galloway incident from my mind.
Are women really turned on by 007? I know I'm not, especialy Roger Moore, he's just so unsexy. To be honest I thought 007 was just the ultimate male fantasy, ie men pretend they are Bond and wish that they, like in the Bond films could make all the dolly birds drop their drawers.
Emmak - I am not sure the sort of young 'ladies' I mix with wear any
I just saw the movie and it was great. The scene you prepared, GB, was excellent. Bond sniffed her arse, picked fleas off her and then shuffled about the place waving his banana about.

Good job!
Cow LUUUUVES this Bond! Daniel Craig is wuuuuunderful!

As for this picking-fleas scene which Chris Wood refers to, and in which GB was technical advisor, Cow is licking her chops in anticipation!

Can't wait to see this! Unfortunately it hasn't yet come to America, but soon.

As for Q, as they say, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there can't still be a fire down below.

something like that...

"A man who cheats death fives times a day shouldn’t have to fiddle about with a lady’s bits and pieces to get her in the mood."

Whyever not, Mr Bananas?

Ms Arterton looks singularly unimpressed with your protege's nibblings.

Scarlet: How lucky you are to be able to wipe such images from your mind, Miss Scarlet.

Emma: Bond is a fantasy figure for women as well as men. Sean Connery still gets letters from female admirers and some women do actually drop their knickers for men they hero-worship.

Beast: You're not sure, Beast? Well it's about time you found out then!

Chris: I think you were watching the wrong movie, you silly man.

Topiary Cow: Danny will be delighted to hear that you're his fan, Ms Cow. He's a sensitive fellow beneath the muscles and machismo.

Kitty: Prolonged foreplay is not the male fantasy, Kitty. Miss Arterton was playing it cool, but I bet she was feeling hot inside.
"......the mere prospect of being pumped by 007 should bring a woman to within a single penetrative thrust of orgasm.

Ooh, you are awful....but I like you.
Isnt it lucky that 007 never has to deal with a alpha male, he would not last long in the junge would he GB.
The problem with the Bond franchise is that the man has yet to be played by a proper Welsh. Dalton doesn't count, he was just born there and lacks true Silurian seed.

Shaky is the obvious contender, but his political record might make him unacceptable to a US audience.

And Charlotte Church would make a wonderful Bond girl. I suggest they should call her character Embassy Regale.
no good boyo, excellent idea. Rhys Ifans would deefinitiely bring a certain something to the role that it is currently lacking and Llinor ap Gwynedd would re-introduce new unplumbed depths to the role of Bond girl.
Talfryn Thomas should be the next Bond.
Mandy: Not the right cue, Mandy. You're supposed to say that to a double entendre rather than a blatant reference to the sexual act.

Ms Bananasfk: Bond would be a baboon's bitch in the jungle.

Mr Boyo: James Bond is a very un-Welsh name though. They'd have to re-name him John Thomas or something. Charlotte Church could play Myfanwy Galore and sing the opening song in place of Dame Shirley.

Wendy: Never heard of them, but I'll take your word for it.

Kevin: According to wiki he's dead! Pick someone still breathing, man!
Don't be so picky, GB, he'd be as animated as Roger Moore was.
Be still my beating heart! You actually know the delectable Mr Craig? Having admired him since before Our Friends in the North after he appeared in an episode of Sharpe with one of my other favourite men, Sean Bean, I have been an avid follower of his... err... work.

On learning that he was the new Bond, I was quite ecstatic - although I enjoyed the work of both Mr Dalton and Mr Brosnan, with their suave dark looks - because Dan's craggy edginess would bring a whole new reality to the genre.

I am now wondering what service I could perform for Mr Bananas in order for him to effect an introduction and possibly a small role in his next coaching session... I promise to make all the right noises in the proper places and provide him with a suitably stimulating bedroom adversary :)
Delectable as ever Mr Ba-NANNAZ.
Gorilla Bananas said...

Mandy: Not the right cue, Mandy. You're supposed to say that to a double entendre rather than a blatant reference to the sexual act.

You know Mr Bananas, round my way (the Millbrook chav estate in Southampton) that does count as an inyouendo, which goes to show how avant garde and "street" we are.
I whole-heartedly agree with your advice to Craig, GB. I also agree that Bond should never lick tuckus or tease the anus.

It's also my opinion that Bond should never go below the ankle. Bond should never suck a single toe or pucker up with a heel.
Kevin: Alas poor Roger, I knew him not at all.

Mrs Cake: You'd be perfect for the part of his elder sister, Joanna Bond. You'd have to straddle all the bad guys for Queen and country.

Natalia: Thank you Natalia, I assume you're referring to my hairy tush.

Mandy: Avant garde? Damn you for an impostor! How many other aliases have you been using here?

Chris: Is anus teasing the same thing as rimming? It's an abomination for any two-legged creature, let alone James Bond.
Talfryn Thomas dead could do a better job than Timothy Dalton alive. Walk Tall - Vote Tal!
IMO it's the men who are in love with Bond - how they wish - poor devils!
Poor Dan - he sustained a nasty shoulder injury. Wonder if the mark on his right arm had anything to do with it. Just pondering.
Of course I could Mr Bananas - in a heartbeat, should it be required. I have been abroad this weekend practising my very best eyebrow arch and "vely good, Meester Bond" in some indeterminate cold war slur.
they've made another bond film, sugar? xoxo
I really don't see the attraction of the Bonds, none of them have looked half as intelligent as Bond is supposed to be. "Guhdurrrr" comes to mind.

Daniel Craig's face doesn't match his body either, which is strangely unnerving.

I think I'm on the female gorilla's side.
It's all very well for our courteous host to speak blithely of saucer-lapping, but what if the saucer is being topped-up on a continual ongoing basis situation (I translate literally from the German)? Hmm?
Mr Boyo: I always suspected the dead Welshman was more potent than the living one. As a symbol, I mean.

Pi: Ah, but the women wish it as well! How many of them are thinking of Mr Craig when the lights are out?

Jade: See the opening scene of The Spy who loved me for the dialogue you have to master. "Oh James, I cannot find the words!"

Savannah: Yessum. Coming down your way in a month or so, ma'am.

Rachel: Sensible young lady! I must invite you to my jungle retreat one of these days.

Inkspot: That's the problem of the waiter filling your wine glass when you don't want any more. Leave it undrunk is my advice.
Sorry to say ...
These days I'm more of a "Gold Bond" type of guy.
I'm more 'premium bond' Joe...
If Bond doesn't want to take his time with a woman's body for his own edification, then I guess I think he lives too hectic a lifestyle. not everything needs a bang and en explosion two minutes into the scene. Tension must be built. Plot points followed. And a long and rolling denouement can often have just the dramatic impact of a sudden one.
Depends on your personal itinerary, Problema. If I had to hang on for long and rolling denouements the whole time, just think of the dramatic impact it would have on my Oddbins habit. To be honest, the bang-and-explosion you mention has a certain condensed charm. But I'm at that age.
Can we brig the topic back to analingus please?
Joe: Is that a skin cream?

Scarlet: I'm closer to Brooke Bond, Miss Scarlet.

Sam: I don't doubt it Sam, but the long and rolling denouement does not befit the character that Ian Fleming created

Mrs Pouncer: It seems quite a few ladies acquire a taste for big bangs as they mature.

Mutley: It's not something Bond would ever do. Perhaps you're confusing him with Huge Grant.
Sorry Mr. Bananas
Gold Bond makes medicated products that sooth the old human bodies.
Gold Bond has been spending more time in my life than James Bond.
I'm agent 057 (named after my age)
Wooh you got me all hot and bothered imagining a 007 thrust! Mmmmm

Oh and i have always wondered how many people Lazenby had to sleep with to get that role! I mean he was just the worst la!!

Now excuse me while i go take a cold shower :p
I think you've got what it takes to be Bond girl, Saby. You're his kind of woman - horny!
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