Monday, October 27, 2008

Bare market

I hear that Hugh Hefner got a surprise on his 82nd birthday. A beaming Pamela Anderson, appropriately dressed in her own birthday suit, presented him with a cake. I can’t imagine a sweeter tribute for the old lecher. Photographs of the event show Pammy’s bust looking a lot less globular than usual. Has she finally done the decent thing and had her implants removed? Any hot dog would now be proud to be sandwiched between those baps. It’s a pity Hef was too shy to put his head between them and say “hooey-hooey-hooh!”. I now feel a twinge of regret that I turned Pammy down when she visited the Congo last year. She had applied to become an honorary gorilla, if you recall.

I’m not convinced by the argument of Playboy aficionados that Hef is living every man’s dream. Spending the daylight hours in pyjamas and a dressing gown sounds terribly lethargic to me. Some might say that a man in a house full of dolly birds doesn’t need to go anywhere, but what’s the point of being a stallion if you never have to chase the mares and corral them into the paddock? I wonder if the playmates are really happy about Hef creeping around the place in his bedroom slippers. A woman needs to have a few hours in the day when she can take off the make-up and break wind freely.

I must admit I’ve never had a subscription to Playboy. Every issue supposedly contains at least one penetrating article, but who can be bothered to hunt for it amid all the pictures? As for the centrefolds, I refuse to inspect them unless someone first tells me where the staples are located. Body-piercing is anathema to gorillas and I’d be very annoyed if any of the good bits were obscured. I actually prefer the bunny girls to the models. As cocktail waitresses, they have an impressive knowledge of beverages and their cotton-tails can be used to mop up spills. Having said that, I have no idea why any male customer whose name isn’t Bugs Bunny would find their costumes sexy.

Hef’s latest brainwave is to invite lady bankers who’ve fallen on hard times to pose nude for the magazine. Exploiting the carnage in Wall Street is a very shrewd move – if I were a vulture, I’d send my chicks to Hef for lessons in advanced bone-picking. I hope the old boy takes a Viagra pill when they visit the mansion so he can do to them what they’ve been doing to the country. Actually that’s unfair, I was just recycling an old Woody Allen joke. The real villains, of course, are their male bosses who hogged all the bonuses in the good times. Sadly, there are very few people outside of a high-security gaol who would pay to see them naked.

One can only hope that pictures of these talented women in the buff will cheer the nation in its hour of crisis, much as Dame Vera Lynn kept the British pecker up during World War 2. The American working man needs all the encouragement he can get in these difficult times, and photos of female bankers displaying their triple-A assets may yet stiffen his resolve. As for Hef, it’s about time he groomed a younger stud to take his place at the mansion. Does Warren Buffet have what it takes?

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But Pammy looks like she's about to deliver a comedy custard pie?!
i've heard he's now broke though...

as for pam, well, even with all that work she's showing her age.
I enjoy an older man, but goodness... Kinda makes you wonder just what happens between those sheets. Kinda just gives me the creeps.
My dad used to write "penetrating articles" (about steam trains, racing cars and stuff) for Mayfair, a much sounder publication.

I always wondered why Hefner chose bunnies and not, say, weasels, hamsters, squirrels, wombats, etc; but - their cotton-tails can be used to mop up spills... - now I have the answer!
Morning Mr B - 'Sadly, there are very few people outside of a high-security gaol who would pay to see them naked'? If they reinstated the stocks outside the Tower of London I'd imagine Japanese tourists would pay handsomely to see fat cat bankers in an Endurance style situations. The tax payer could even recoup some of the money we've generously loaned the banks.
I'd like a penetrating article.....
Scarlet: I doubt she's a natural cake-thrower, Miss Scarlet. Rubbing it over her body would be more her style.

Kiki: Hef is broke? How extraordinary! Those playmates must have expensive tastes. I wonder how much pocket money he gives them.

Naughty Girl: Maybe some girls get a thrill from being pawed by a living legend, Miss Naughty.

Gadjo: There's something very cool about writing articles not about sex in a girly magazine. It's like giving a lecture about fire safety in a brothel.

Kate: Good idea! Charge them extra to throw tomatoes or feed the prisoners worms.

Nursemyra: I bet you would Nursie!
Hello hello, what new insanity is this?

I have met a number of female bankers in my time and I wouldn't have thought any of those were particularly fitting to grace the pages of said publication. However, the proclivities of red blooded males remain a mystery to me - I clearly have a lot to learn.

Warren Buffett doesn't have enough glamor to be the new Heff. I think Mr Las Vegas aka Wayne Newton would be perfect, and also it would be fun because he and the Bunnies could swap makeup!
Is there a case where ancient male gorilla still get all the lady gorillas? I don't know how the old guy can be bothered. My own grandad died at 83 and he couldn't even be arsed to answer my gran in a conversation in the last year.

Still, my gran wasn't bunnyesque by that point.
You have to (well, I must) admire the professionalism of the protagonists here. Pam is enduring that shirt of Hef's without a grimace and Hef is looking Pam right in the eyes.
Hats off.
Time to break wind freely truly is a vital thing.

As for Ms Anderson's nudity, some people would call that attention seeking. Not me. She obviously forget her apron and didn't want to risk spilling cake on her nice clothes.

There is a lot to be said for the knowledge an older man can pass on to a younger woman - one wonders just how many women Hugh has 'educated'?

Shocking shirt he's wearing though.

Jade: Perhaps men fantasize about assessing the collateral value of their assets. How big a mortgage could be given on a bankers boobs?

Emma: Wayne Newton and the bunnies could swap faces as well.

Misssy: Hef has an image to maintain and I'm sure he does enjoy rubbing his face against all that young flesh. J Howard Marshall was still loving it well into his nineties.

Inkspot: Pam has a great smile, Inkspot. I'm sure even your lascivious saucer-shaped eyes would be drawn to her face.

Chris Yes, dropping cake on her body would be clumsy but quite excusable. Best place for the cake really.

Kitty: More women than he can possibly remember, Kitty. I believe he was cruelly cuckolded as a young married man.
It takes all kinds of people to make the world, I suppose.

Anybody who has got a wallet the size of a small country does it for me.
You know, me and the Hef have lot's in common; walking around the house all day in jimjams and slippers being one of them, and several others I cannot think of right now, although incontinence springs to mind.
didn't hef just dump all his girlfriends? i think they might have turned 25 and expired.

that being said, i hate 25 year olds.
Yes, you see, it's the CAKE that worries me. Look at it. What's it supposed to be? It's similar to those novelty hedgehog-shaped confections beloved of 4 year olds. No wonder Hef looks flummoxed. I wouldn't be impressed by a man with a paltry sponge like that. I would rather see a huge roulade bursting with cream, the merest hint of pistachio, probably, spilling over the edge of the plate. Hef's cake declares him as shrunken, inadequate, shrivelled. A man whose prime has long departed; a man who only deserves a Yumyum or a meringue.
You're right Mrs P, a man may be a bit crumbly but he should still be bursting with cream. Yum.
Sidhu: Yes indeed, the world would be a duller place without Hef in the Playboy Mansion and Pammy with her clothes on.

Katie Longbottom: You exaggerate, Miss. In at least two different ways.

Jamie Wong: You could be twins. Ask for an invitation to the mansion. He may ask you to bring your own dolly birds, though.

Kara: Hef is too much of a sugar daddy to dump anyone. Maybe he just found them new positions in another mansion. And you're not old enough to be jealous of people younger than you.

Mrs Pouncer: I would guess that the little chocolate porcupine is purely decorative. Anything larger would obscure Pammy and defeat the main aim of the ceremony. You are right that Hef is well past his prime, but doesn't that makes the attention he gets more enviable?

Scarlet: I'd like to serve you in cream, Miss Scarlet. To which lucky fellow I have yet to decide.
Cow hoping Ms. Anderson provides solace for Mr. Hef.

For the tale told in the Land of Topiary is that Hef's girlfriends did indeed mooo-ve out.

Girlfriend Holly: Because he wouldn't marry her and let her have babies.

Girlfriend Kendra: Found better opportunities.

Girlfriend Bridget: Apparently now working in Europe.

"The Girls Next Door" Hef's tv series (and available on DVD) about them and their life living in the Playboy Mansion, will apparently now continue it's 4th season will all new girls.

Why, GB might ask, does a humble Topiary Cow know so much? Why, she was a fan of the show, and it's silly parties and cute costumes and limo rides to fast-food shops with Playboy Bunnies and Hef....

What is Hugh Hefner for?
Which one is Hugh Hefner?
i don't think the oracle from omaha has an interest in taking hef's place at the mansion. but you'll never know until you ask.
I just find it really weird that all those lovely young girlies are prepared to share that elderly gentleman in the hope that one day he may give them a few bob.
Topiary Cow: Thank for you enlightening us, Ms Cow. I wish I had seen it myself. I do remember one playmate saying they were not allowed to have sex with other men while living in the mansion.

Lady Daphne: I think his role is to teach young ladies how to please the older man.

Mutley: Whichever one you want.

Seraphine: Yes, Mr Buffet is very contented with his lot in life. Maybe he should have his own mansion to teach nude models about stockmarket investment.

Mrs Cake: He has wealth and fame, which is a very attractive combination to certain women. Ms Cow mentioned that one of his girlfriends wanted to have children with him.
And here I thought Madam Anderson had no sense whatsoever when hallelujah, she goes as she likes to the party. Okay, here is a question... was that supposed to be a costume party? then I totally understand her point. I mean, she was going as "herself in the flesh"...
That cake is a bit of a mystery , as is the Hef , I cant say my dream is to slouch round a house full of women in my dressing gown , they would always be squabbling and falling out with each other , like they do at work . More of a Nightmare really
Sadly i've never even seen the cover of a Playboy! It's banned in my country!

I would however love to be in one :p
Cake be damned! It's a glove puppet. She's got her kit off in the hopes that he won't see her lips moving.
At some point don't we all want someone our own age to talk about Al Jolson songs or Fred Astaire musicals?

I think Hefner lives a lonely existence.
Panu: I think it was more of a ceremony than a party. Like presenting Hef with a gold watch on his retirement.

Beast: You have to see them one at a time if you want a quiet life. Make them take turns to help you out in the kitchen and it should be OK.

Sabrina: You'd be a welcome change from all the blondes, Saby. Finally, your butt will get the appreciation it deserves.

Kevin: So Hef is being asked to eat something that talks? Maybe he's used to it.

Scarlet: Do you think he was being rude, Miss Scarlet?

Ms PHFL: Hello lady. I think Hef has been in a permanent adolescence since the trauma of being cuckolded when he was a young married man.
I appreciate you sharing your insights into The Hef, Mr. Bananas. Still, I believe that the majority of human males—and more than a few human Lesbians—would sacrifice their freedom to abscond from The Mansion in order wander about in pajamas and intermingle with the feminine flesh that is found there.
Hefner once again proves that he can hit the financial G-spot. Why isn't this man in Congress? Oh, I might want to rephrase that.

Anyway, all the useless celebs get elected to stuff - Sonny Bono was a Congressman, his Irish cousin seems to run the UN Africa programme, Reagan was president and even Kilroy is head of some stripey-blazer outfit in Kent. Tossers, all of them.

Is there still time for a Hef/Hilton write-in campaign for the US presidential election?
Surely any man named Warren would find himself right at home with the bunnies.
Saintly Nick: It would be great for a while, but eventually the novelty might wear off.

Mr Boyo: I think Hef's mansion should be a corpus separatum with it's own government and judiciary. Paris Hilton could be chief justice.

Sam: Well spotted, Sam! They also multiply quickly like his wealth!
You write the best puns, gorilla. 'penetrating article' cheered me up no end :-)
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