Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fossey reborn?

My females are oddly fascinated by the Republican Party’s candidate for vice-president. Not out of feminist solidarity, which is of no concern to lady gorillas. No, the reason is much stranger. They seem to think that Sarah Palin is the spitting image of the late Dian Fossey, a woman revered by gorillas throughout Africa. I’ve put up their pictures so you can judge for yourselves. If their features are even in the same game reserve I’ll chew my toes off.

Between you and me, gorillas aren’t very good at telling human faces apart – I only got the hang of it after years spent in the circus. I recently brought a copy of
Hello! magazine to the jungle. One of my females snatched it from me and studied a picture of Sienna Miller intently.

“I’m so glad she’s back in the limelight!” she hooted. “I’ve always had a soft spot for Dolly Parton.”

Heh! I didn’t have the heart to tell the poor deluded apette that Miss Parton was then having her boobs deflated at the Betty Hoover Clinic.

With the election approaching, I am already getting irritating e-mails asking me who I’m endorsing and similar such nonsense. This is when I have to thump my chest and remind people that I’m a gorilla. Your problems are not our problems, and the only American dream in these parts is the one the manager of the safari camp had after watching a movie called Forrest Hump (available on DVD). Until the candidates announce their policies for ridding the jungle of snakes and crocodiles, who gets into the White House is none of our business.

I suppose if I were forced to choose I’d back the ticket with the most body hair. Unfortunately this is pure guesswork when one of the candidates is a woman. Senator McCain is probably a hairy old dog when he takes off his vest, but who knows what Mrs Palin does to her feminine tufts? As a mother of five, one would hope that she doesn’t over-prune, but you never know the state of a woman’s foliage until you’ve seen her in the sauna. That is not a favour I’d care to ask of her, given that her husband looks like the Neanderthal type who might make a fuss. He has nothing to scare me, of course, but one doesn’t want to come between a man and his wife merely to further one’s reputation as a political pundit.

The wildcard in this election is supposedly the “Hilldog factor”. Will supporters of Mrs Clinton be so bitter that that they’ll vote Republican in the hope that Old Pop McCain quickly pops it and they’ll get their madam president after all. Well I’ve got news for them. I know for a fact that Hillary could never have won if she’d been the Democratic nominee. The Republicans, you see, had infiltrated a super-hot velcro-vixen into her campaign team, with the sole mission of seducing the former first lady and telling the world’s press what her cha-cha tastes of. And you can bet the lying hussy would have claimed it had some horrible flavour like "pickled herring" or "essence of hermit crab".
No presidential bid could have survived a political bombshell of that magnitude – the merest glimpse of Hillary’s jodhpurs would have made voters cry “Euw!” and pop a mint inside their mouths.

How do I know all this, I hear you ask? Because a fat American bloke in a baseball cap told me so while guzzling Budweisers at the safari guesthouse. Let no one say that Gorilla Bananas lacks credible sources for his scoops.

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Hmmm it may be worth pointing out to your ladies that unlike Dian Fossey Ms Palin is more likely to take up arms when confronted with a gorilla. She likes to go a-huntin'. What is it with VPs and guns?
Perhaps that's how they get to be VPs in the first place?
No Hillary supporter is going to vote for that anti-choice dimwit.

I'm pretty certain most of the Hill supporters will remember that it's all about the Supreme Court this time around.

Me: I can't wait to vote for Obama. I'll be there when the polls open. And I was a Hillary supporter. It wasn't to be, but the idea of Palin as some kind of consolation prize for Hillary supporters is a fiction made up by spin doctors.

Oh, they love to spin it.
Sarah Palin...she's an interesting candidate all right...and not feminist at all
watching her is like a horror/sci fi movie come to life. One day she will unzip her skin and some wrinkly old Republican senator will step out.
No lesbo action for Palin. She prefers sex with someone she loves.
"Miss Parton was then having her boobs deflated at the Betty Hoover Clinic"


The horrible thing is that now McCain is leading strongly amongst white, female voters when two weeks ago Obama was.
I find the whole political "ticket" thing a bit cynical: "We got a grizzled, white-haired, Vietnam vet from the southern states, so we gotta put him with a young, northern, foxy, chick who's always grinning for no reason." Who are they put with young Mr Barack? An elderly, white, Southern Belle? Yeah, hey, Dolly Parton!!!
"pickled herring" or "essence of hermit crab"? . . . This political thicket could leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Rid the forest of snakes and crocodiles?

I'd vote against disturbing the eco-system any further!

I dunno, maybe if Ms Palin took off her spectacles, it would make for a better comparison.
Misssy:I'll mention it to them, although frankly they'd be pretty foolish to run off to Alaska to confront Mrs Palin in her backyard.

Kevin: Good point. It saves the taxpayer the expense of a bodyguard if the VP is packing a weapon.

Trish:You seem pretty sure, Trish, but haven't some Hillary supporters made a campaign advert for McCain?

Emma: So you're saying she's hairy UNDER the skin? Interesting. I may have to campaign for her after all.

Ulaca: Are you implying she impregnated her own daughter? That's even more miraculous than the Virgin Mary.

Sam: Oh dear! But is that any worse than blacks voting for Obama because of his race?

Gadjo: Singing candidates would be great! Johnny Mathis and Dolly Parton would be the dream ticket for the Democrats. And how about Donny and Marie Osmond for the Republicans! The first brother-sister ticket!

Miss Scarlet: I was wondering who'd be the first to comment on the flavours. You're really quite a naughty one, aren't you Miss Scarket?

Sidhu: Humans who talk about eco-systems have never been chased by predators.

Kyknoord: Hmm. Do you think they might be related?
Oh, what fresh hell is this? I knew that my protegee, Scarlet, would drag the discourse to the gutter, leaving me to limit the damage with a small reminiscence.
My old schoolmate, Marianne Faithful, was one of the first to bring strawberry douches to the UK at the behest of Mr Jagger who had experienced this unusual flavour from that lovely old Jezebel, Pamela des Barres. I imagine that this product is still freely available in the USA, but I would advise against asking for it at Boots the Chemist. People might talk.
so how come your label doesn't include MM?

You're not wrong Mrs P, Sarah needs to get herself a strawberry douche and a Mars Bar to put a stop to all the gossip. Works for me.
Mr Bananas I'm shocked by the information that you supply Budweiser at your Safari Lodge, unless of course you refil the bottles from the nearest river, bloody yanks probably couldn't tell the difference if you serve it cold enough.
I think I fell in love with Sarah when I heard that she had said that Polar Bears, "were a damn nuisance."

As someone who prides himself as being cutting edge and contemporary, I think I can say that this very particular comment has to be one of the most avant garde utterances I've heard for many a moon.

She is a genius.
I do not have thing big to be said but!!

How an old hirsute boar (McCain) ,hung and filled up to marrow, can cross the portals of detection ???

Unless it is what attracts looks of these ladies ? The Beep! Beep!

And not a hurdy-gurdy moth-eaten skin ...
Mrs Pouncer: Pamala des Barres celebrated her 60th birthday yesterday and looks not a day over 50. It doesn't surprise me that she made every effort to keep her vulva fragrant. What a fool Jagger was not to marry her!

Nuremyra: I never knew I had a label, Nursie. Have people been using my image to sell chutney or something?

Miss Scarlet: Ah yes, the infamous Mars Bar! Perhaps Mrs Pouncer would like to explain her schoolfriend's behaviour in that incident. You are worthy of far better things than a Mars Bar, Miss Scarlet.

Jobrag: We smuggle our consignments off merchant ships headed for the Cape. Elephant piss would be the closest substitute if we ran short.

Lambert: It's the remark of someone who lives close to dangerous predators. I often say that lions are the biggest bastards in Africa, but no one takes any notice.

Crabtree: Don't underestimate the attractions of the hirsute, Mr Crabree. Little birds like to nest in a warm place.
Until the candidates announce their policies for ridding the jungle of snakes and crocodiles, who gets into the White House is none of our business.

It's nice to see a foreigner exercising restraint with respect to our politics. Every four years, it seems we get loads of French and Canadians pontificating about how we're all idiots. God, it's tedious, especially with French doing so in mouse ears at Disney world and the Canadians taking all the good time slots at the MRI clinics along U.S. Route 2.

Note to younger readers: Don't deep-fry the Mars Bar first.

This was a public information message.

(And this time I got the spelling of 'Mars' right!)
Good heavens! Which sort of debauched beast would even consider something unseemly with a deep-fried Mars Bar? I can't even begin to picture the fiend.

However, I find myself strangely mellow these days, even where Marianne is concerned, and although she was an unrepentant Salome with the morals of the sewer, I can do nothing better than report her own version of events: namely, that notorious incident was concocted by one of the investigating officers (for his own delectation apart from anything else) and she described it as "an old man's fantasy". I do hope you appreciate the reportage element I bring to the discourse.
Hillary has jodhpurs? She doesn't look like that horsey type of girl to me. However, I bow to your undoubtedly superior judgement when it comes to the nether-region-clothing of American politicians.

Would Mrs Palin have jodhpurs, do you think?

Believe me, I knew bikini waxed porn stars, and you, Mrs Palin ARE NO BIKINI WAXED PORN STAR.
Randall: I believe the European press are lining up behind Obama, which is good news for McCain.

Kevin: I won't ask what happens if you DO deep-fry the Mars Bar.

Mrs Pouncer: Somehow I find it easier to believe that the incident actually occurred than a policeman was imaginative enough to have invented it.

Kitty: Hillary must have saddled-up in jodhpurs at the country clubs she's visited. I expect Mrs Palin would be more comfortable in moose-stalking gear, whatever that is.

Che: Well remembered! If Mrs Palin dares to compare herself to Miss September, your line will surely put her in her place!
I'm speaking of rank and file Hillary voters. And yes, I feel confident that most of us will vote for Obama in November.

I don't have statistics to prove my point, unfortunately!
My dear ape, you never got Annie Hall in the jungle?
Great blog! Wandered in her and now I can't find the way out through the thick undergrowth!
You are perfectly right,They do not teach to the old monkeys to make grimaces (a faces) !

Regarding the small bird , it is necessary to know that the hottest place at the woman is .....
the belly button ??? because it is above hair (in Frenchman "poil")which is pronounced( Poêle " Frying pan")

On the other hand ,the small animal do not eat the big !!

I am one can in quoted by subject,but this entertains me :)
I might be forced to feign interest in these American elections, if ALL the candidates were nude females, and their appointment was decided through a live, televised honey-wrestling contest.
I agree with crabtree.
I'll forgive those female gorillas for thinking Sarah Palin resembles Ms Fossey, because I know Ms Fossey would too. Sarah doesn't have a patch on her, though. Um... no pun intended there.

And what was Michael Moore doing at your safari camp, I wonder?
Im with Emma, there's something not quite right about Sarah...
Guzzling Budweisers? I thought Um Bongo was the drink of choice in the Congo? Essence of Hermit Crab and Pickled Herring could be choice ideas to pass on to that nice Mr Lineker for the 'do us a flavour' Walkers crisps competition.
Trish: Your confidence is inspiring. I'm not even sure that Hillary will vote for Obama.

Ulaca: Not the easiest quote to recognise out of context, old boy. If Mrs Palin plays with herself, she's a fine example for American womanhood.

Katherine: Hello Katherine. If a search party doesn't come, you can stay here for as long as you like.

Crabtree: Monsieur, your insights could penetrate the hide of a rhino.

Lord Likely: His lordship surely wouldn't have to feign anything while watching an all-female wrestling bout.

Piers Morgan: No one has ever proved Crabtree wrong on any point.

Mary: Do you think it was Michael Moore? I find it difficult to tell fat American men apart.

Mrs Cake: Maybe, but do you think she is good in bed?

Kate: That's a myth Kate, there is no Um Bongo in the Congo. Fanny-flavoured crips sound appetising, but they might be an acquired taste for many.
The skin of the rhinoceros is fragile ,rough ,but fragile !
GB: In your latest two posts you have mentioned the importance of body hair to gorillas, especially when chosing who to mate with (I'f I understand you correctly). Would it suprise you to learn that there are quite a number of human males who prefer their females to be hairy or "hirtsute?"

I even know of one human male who actually fantasizes about being with female gorillas. What do you think about that?
For the definitive version of the American election campaign, take a look at this
(sorry, don't know the HTML code to take anyone right there!)
It's very funny.
Your hairy gorilla logic is brilliant. Whoever the Americans vote for, I'm still going to be facepalming in a year. Voting based on ideals is pointless, as noone stands for what they say they do when it comes to the crunch. May as well vote based on something you can count. Bravo.

Are there any corners here in the jungle? I think I need to sit in one and sob, miserable git. Any chance of a copy of Forrest Hump?
Gorilla Bananas; Sarah Palin wants me and you to dp her.
Crabtree: And your insights are deep enough to penetrate it.

Anonymous: I am well aware such men exist. Look at the comments by "She ape lover" at the end of this post. Men who give themselves to females gorillas should expect a rough ride.

Mrs Table: Hello Mrs Table. It was very balanced in its mockery too!

Rachel: Hello Rachel! You're a damn sexy female for a human! There's plenty of room in the jungle for you, but watching 'Forrest Hump' won't cheer you up. I'll give you something else.

Static: You've got that in writing? You're crazy if you think I'd put my dick that close to yours.
my darling gorilla...there is no american dream anymore...we are just trying to survive 4 years at a time and aren't even doing that very was good at one time though...and i was even proud, at one time...that time has past but thankfully we have history books, eh?
Mr Gorilla Bananas, you will not be surprised to learn that as a doctor of engineering I am often asked by fresh-faced graduates “will it go in?” and “is it a sliding fit?” and so on, I always stare back and ask if they are getting enough cunnilingus. It shuts them up. If they were so bloody smart with their finite element analysis, we’d still have an empire. Anyway, if cha cha tasted of pickled herring, you’d never find rollmops at the deli, we’d be eating them every day.
In spite of his very developed smell , I never attack the short-sighted persons !

They are not a chouilla out of subject ??
Did those dastardly republicans really have some hot stuff insider to taste Hillary's chuff and then discredit her?

Politics, eh?
Hilary Clinton is a Welsh, and like all Welshes came close to destroying the political party she espoused (literally).

Ms Palin has all the qualities I look for in a woman - dark hair, cruel glasses, reasonable curves and unreasonable views, all supported by expensive corsetry and big guns. She's a Mrs Boyo with executive power.
Crap! Why'd you have to have so many followers? You go and mention "Forrest Hump" in your post and now there's a long waiting list on NetFlix! Please, send an email next time to give me a "heads up". That's all I'm asking. Thanks.
Daisy: It still looks pretty good to a lot of people outside America, whose dream is simply to be allowed in.

Dr Maroon: It's something of an acquired taste though, isn't it Dr? You can't expect these fresh-faced graduates to have the seasoned palate of an old veteran such as yourself.

Crabtree: Even the rhino's friend must sometimes fire a tranquiliser dart.

Chris: That's what the man said. I wouldn't call it a martyrdom operation.

Mr Boyo: I'm afraid that ever since the 'Grouty' debacle I have ceased to trust your adjudications of Welshness. It's not Hillary's fault anyway, she was willing to be VP. Nice compliment for Mrs Boyo, but I'm sure she'd prefer to read it on a card inside a box of Terry's All Gold.

Joe: What makes you think the film is any good? I didn't watch it myself and the title doesn't tell you much about the quality of the screenplay.
I am worried about who they are?
Yes ! I love quotations personal !

To me !

It is not by persevering on the bark of the baobab ,that the sting of the hornet this one will fertilize :) they say the grass is not always greener...and just because you are "in" does not mean anything is better for you in particular...i guess you will just have to trust me on that one...
I cant believe Ms Clintons Cha Cha has anything but the falvour of TCP or glade fresh toilet duck. anything else would destroy my faith in human nature
Get em to dye their muffs pink!! The votes will then be reeling in...
I'd like to choose between the candidate pairs based on evidence of previous behaviour aligned with fundamental beliefs. Skin colour and gender are not necessarily indicative of fundamental beliefs, neither are bodily fluid-flavour or hirsutedness, By contrast Hunting fluffy (and shaved) things is..

Can I just add that I believe this is comment number 53?
another pic triumph. globus isn't sure what's funnier - clinton's expression, or the guy on the top right corner's elongated nosh.
G.B. you're right! An anquired taste, but then those are the most satisfying. It's a bit like single malts. When you are young, any whisky will overpower the taste buds, yet once they mature a bit, a whole world of flavours and pleasurable drunkeness is opened up. Doesn't stop you being arrested for pissing in a phonebox at 3 am but you get my drift.

No. 54 I believe, Two spades.
Master Bun the Baker's Son.

Your trick, Doctor.
Mutley: Perhaps you're better off not knowing.

Crabtree: A proverb worthy of Aesop.

Daisy: True enough, although it depends where you have come from.

Beast: I share your faith, Beast, but unfortunately it's difficult to counter fanny smears. Everyone believes the worst.

Miss Lamb: I am detecting a theme to your comments!

Wendy: Doesn't the shaving of body hair telling you something as well? And yes, you may!

Globus: He seems to be looking down his nose at something.

Dr Maroon: I think I agree. I didn't much enjoy my first locust.
Kev, you are a man of class.
Essence of Hermit crab?? Hahahahaa

You know either way i don't think i would have voted for Hillary...she seemed to detest the fact that she was a woman!
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