Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Five fat men and a pole

A correspondent cheekily suggests that I audition for a new show in London. It features five pot-bellied men who cavort on stage while embracing a vertical pole. Rather than shaving and oiling their skin, they proudly display their body hair, a gimmick which inspired them to name their act “Bearlesque”. It has attracted a large following of middle-aged women, thrilled at the spectacle of these human potatoes pawing the pole like bears searching for honey. The performers never remove their underpants – there are some sights which even the raunchiest matrons would prefer to forgo.

As one who has flexed his own limbs expansively in the circus, I am not without empathy for these podgy pole-dancers and wish them every success. I need hardly point out, however, that they are a long way from being bears, let alone gorillas. As any wild creature knows, all the hair in the world is useless if you lack mobility. These fellows would clearly be out of breath if you even mentioned the idea of climbing a tree or chasing marauding baboons. Not that they’d be capable of doing much if they actually caught up with the baboons. In all probability, the baboons would make mincemeat of them.

It’s a far cry from the feats I performed in the circus. I don’t deny that my most enthusiastic fans were women, but I earned their adulation in a manner worthy of a jungle ape. After years in the ring, I found that what the human female admires most about gorillas is our long, strong, hairy arms. All I had to do to induce excited gasps from heaving bosoms was grasp a fleeing dwarf by his ankle and swing him around my head like a shepherd’s sling. It was stunts like this that motivated the ladies to queue for my autograph and other mementoes. There was no need for me to straddle a shiny pole or mince about in a sexually ambiguous fashion.

Yet I’m not the sort of ape who fails to give credit where it is due. Let no one belittle the fact that Bearlesque has put bums on seats, albeit rather large ones. The reason for the show’s success seems to be that its female fans enjoy ogling men who look like their husbands. It’s really a very clever piece of psychology on their part. Men who see their wives hooting at fellows no better than them will naturally feel more confident about their own sexual allure. And this restored confidence will lead to a general rising of the sap, prompting them to give the missus a thorough seeing to when she gets back home. Anything an honest wife can do to enhance her husband’s self-esteem will be re-paid with interest when her furrow needs ploughing.

The importance of flattery in human fornication reminds me of the finale of a film called Carnal Knowledge, which starred the redoubtable Jack Nicholson. By the end of the movie, Jack is a middle-aged man with a string of failed relationships behind him. He is contemptuous of women and utterly cynical of the idea that male and female can co-exist in healthy symbiosis. Yet he is not celibate. In the final scene of the movie, he enters the abode of an attractive lady who stimulates his waning sexual appetite by sweet-talking him in the most exaggerated manner. But then she fluffs a line, and we discover that she is actually a prostitute speaking from a script that Jack had written for her! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! I leave you to draw your own conclusions from that sorry denouement – there are surely profound lessons there for humans of all classes, genders and persuasions.

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I am certain, my dear Mr. Bananas, that you can outshine any 5 or even 50 fat human dudes around a pole.

As for body hair, I have noticed that much of my human hirsuteness has been worn off my legs and even my chest from 60+ years of wearing clothing. Any suggestions on my growing it back?
I'd never heard of this Bearlesque act - it sounds like fun. Although I'm a tad concerned that:

"Chief bear Fred [was] described by honorary bear Christopher Biggins as “the sexiest man alive”,"

I'm sure Fred didn't start out to be a sex symbol to the likes of Biggins (Queen of the Jungle). The link you gave also says one of them does an homage to Gene Kelly - stripping in the rain.

If they were on at the local theatre, I'd go to see them. It would make a fab blog post, if nothing else.

Nope. Podgy pole dancers must be an oxymoron. Give me hair, give me manliness but let it be toned! Ive said it before and I'll say it again, when a man's beer belly hits me before his erection, it doesn't matter how agile his sweet talking tongue, I lose my libido...
I think the profound lesson is to lay off whatever Jack's been on - he's aged terribly.
I'm with Ms Cake on this one . . . I mean . . . why would you go to the bakery and buy doughnuts when you already have a doughnut at home?
GB-I find it interesting that what human females admire most about you gorillas are your long, strong, hairy arms.

Do any of your females know that there are human males who admire female gorillas for the same reason?
Those pot bellied creatures kinda resemble Daffyd 'The only gay in the village' from that BBC comedy show 'Little Britain'. Only thing lacking is some item of clothing that is either pink or made from PVC....
I suppose it's a male version of The Roly Poly's - anybody remember them? - who must have made many a tubby school dinner lady feel happier about herself.
I would pay good money to see you twirl that sexy arse around a poll!!!
Saintly Nick: Thank you, Sir. There are supposed to be lotions that encourage follicle growth, but perhaps you should first try wearing no clothes.

Kitty: I have no quarrel with Mr Biggins, who was a good enough actor to appear in I Claudius. If he says someone is sexy, I'll take his word for it!

Mrs Cake: This particular form of entertainment is aimed at honest wives with chubby spouses, Mrs Cake!

Red Squirrel: Yet many women still find him attractive.

Miss Scarlet: The idea is that watching doughnuts being whistled at on stage will make you appreciate the one at home more. Would you like a doughnut, Miss Scarlet?

Anonymous: Female gorillas aren't too interested in what men think of them. They just take what they want.

Ms Lamb: They should hire you as their wardrobe mistress. Your selections would surely widen their appeal considerably.

Gadjo: I wonder if school dinner ladies are still like the ones you remember from your childhood? Perhaps being a hefty fishwife is no longer a required qualification.

Sabrina: It looks better climbing a tree. I'll carry you up one if you want.
Excellent suggestion, Sir! Since have have been retired I have been spending as much time nude as possible.
Ther is no need for me to straddle a shiny pole or mince about in a sexually ambigous fashion

Come now Mr B , dont knock it till you have tried it :-)
Come on Mr B, show us what you can do with a banana . . .
And your point, Mr Bananas, is...?

Im with Ms Scarlet, I have nothing against doughnuts but I think one is enough and Id much prefer a banana.
that top bloke in the first photo looks a bit horny
Following on from the screen-wiping success of Carnal Knowledge, Jack Nicholson is going to remake Jack Rosenthal's seminal London cabbie saga The Knowledge in an LA setting. I've booked my ticket already.
Your insights into human nature, and Jack Nicholson movies, are humbling.

Good call on the midgets!
Saintly Nick: They say there's no turning back once you've got used to the air tickling your flesh.

Beast: Male gorillas are too butch for that sort of thing, Beast. Females gorillas are as well, come to think of it.

Miss Scarlet: When you have matured a little, Miss Scarlet, you will realise that the only sensible thing to do with a banana is eat it.

Mrs Cake: There was no point, Mrs Cake, I was just making conversation. I'm glad to hear you've got an apetite for bananas. Wait until they're ripe before wolfing them down!

Nrsemyra: Twice as horny as the average man.

Mr Boyo: I never knew you needed any knowledge to be a taxi driver in America. What about that last scene in Carnal Knowledge Mr Boyo? A man like you couldn't watch a scene like that without making a few mental notes.

Chris Wood: Well thank you, and feel free to apply what you have learned in your own life. I won't ask for royalties.
I will rent this pelicule and study it at home, GB. When the mem-sah'b's out.
I'm inspired.

Right! During next Saturdays jaunt to my local I'll strip down and cavort.
"All I had to do to induce excited gasps from heaving bosoms was grasp a fleeing dwarf by his ankle and swing him around my head like a shepherd’s sling."

My, my! (fanning Topiary excitedly)

Cow is already excited just imagining it!

"Female gorillas aren't too interested in what men think of them. They just take what they want."

OK then, when it comes to human males, what do female gorillas usually want?
I leave you to draw your own conclusions from that sorry denouement – there are surely profound lessons there for humans of all classes, genders and persuasions

Ohmigod. That's my future, isn't it. That's what you're trying to tell me. Is it? IS IT?

Whatever. I don't need your negativity. I have a Missus.
"There was no need for me to straddle a shiny pole or mince about in a sexually ambiguous fashion."

I just wanted to say that I've been straddling shiny poles and mincing in a sexually ambiguous fashion since high school. There's no pun to this - I really am that much of a freak. ;)
Mr Boyo: Her sarcastic remarks might be quite enjoyable if you could persuade her to watch it with you.

Tickersoid: Have you got the hairy belly for it?

Ms Cow: I wish I had a video to send you.

Anonymous: It varies. Sometimes they want to hear poetry. More usually, they want to sink their teeth into the man's buttocks.

Kara: You and Jack have a lot in common, now that I think of it. I hope the missus doesn't fluff his lines when he's praising your butt.

Qelqoth: You ought to have a portable shiny pole. Carry it around in a briefcase and assemble it like a sniper's rifle when you need to perform.
People pay good money to watch me eat a banana . . . I'm sure they'd pay even more if I were to sink my teeth into a man's buttocks . . .
Wasn't he lovely? Jack I mean ; I remember being dazzled when I first saw him in 'Easy Rider' What a man- what an actor - what a film. And Bearlesque - what a load of old cods wallop.
Ah ... so that's what happened to the Village People. I'm with Pi on this one - Jack on a pole, that I would gladly pay for.
it's got to be better than our new show "hole in the wall" where people try to fit themselves through shapes cut out of Styrofoam in a wall that comes at them...if they don't fit through they go into the water...dumbest thing i have ever seen in all my life...and i have seen a lot of dumb shit!
I understood !!!!!

My lady of love , love the clowns and the beautiful lads on magazines ,where from his appetite for my apple ! As long as she does not remove with A peeler !!

Qui aime bien châtie bien :)
Why would anyone pay good money to go and see men who look like your husband??????
Whose husband, Daphne? Mr Pouncer is a sought-after lawyer in the matrimonial courts, and you would be amazed at the amount of good money women will pay to see him. Now that he offers pre-nup advice, too, his stock has risen even higher. Personally, I wouldn't want to see him, or any other members (sic) of his chambers disporting themselves, but I imagine it might be a niche interest for some Respondents.
Miss Scarlet: I don't doubt it for a minute, Miss Scarlet, but to boast about such things is not ladylike.

Pi: Jack' acting has improved with age, but he'd probably fail the audition for Bearlesque.

Kate: I've got a feeling Jack would do what ever you asked him, Kate.

Daisy: Can't they just bite and kick their way through?

Crabtree: Your lady punishes you because she loves you.

Lady Daphne: They do it to flatter their husbands, ma'am. It's the only option they have.

Mrs Pouncer: Mr Pouncer must be a giant in the field to have kept you in the matrimonial bed all these years. These other ladies sound like mere appetisers.
"These other ladies sound like mere appetisers."

And you are a cheeky chimp Mr Bananas . . .
And here I thought you won the adulation of the ladies with your sweet-talk, GB
Holy homoerotic pole dancers Batman!

How does the stage contain all that lard?
" is our long, strong, hairy arms."

Ooooh, Nanas! Say it again! Long! Strong! Hairy! Arms! Again! Again!

Oh my!'t stop staring at that photo, which happens often when I visit your fine blog....I need to stop visiting in the wee Pacific Standard Time hours, will dream about it, I fear...
You sure they are not a bunch of Newfie Firefighters caught in a budget squeeze.

Most Firefighters slide down the pole, first time I have seen them try to slide up the pole.
Miss Scarlet: Cheeky gorilla, Miss, cheeky gorilla!

Trish: My sweet talk is reserved for the cherished few, Trish.

Static: That stage was borrowed from a fatted oxen act.

Sam: Close your eyes and imagine them, Sam.

Letty: Fear them not, Leticia, the pole is the most dangerous object on that stage.

Tarf: They could put out fires by smothering them with their bulk.
Well squire, thank you for inviting me to hang out with you gorillas in the Congo. I have just been perusing your blog, and may I say I laughed my arse off. Is that a common phenomenon in the Congo?
The monkey spoiled by the wild nature , what you seems to be ,does not identify with the role of the flattering of Jack Nicholson?
Or then there are skins of banana who get lost :)
Phew - I've come over all unnecessary reading this blog. I'm getting a pole installed in my sitting-room. It's for the cats. Really it is. No, honestly. It is. But if five men turn up at more door in various stages of undress and want to do a bit of exercise, who am I to turn them away?
"Cheeky gorilla, Miss, cheeky gorilla!"

I'm sorry Mr Bananas, but if I am a mere appetiser, then you Sir, are a Chimp . . .
Pull yourself together, Scarlet. Mr Bananas was referring to the gold-digging trollops who help Mr Pouncer tie the red bias-binding around his Court briefs.
Jade: It's a very common phenomenon, Miss Jade. You'd fit in very well with our band.

Crabtree: What that woman did to Jack went beyond mere flattery, Monsiuer. For me to identify with such a role would be unthinkable.

Mrs Table: The cats wouldn't get very far up it, Mrs Table. Perhaps you should have a go yourself to get the men interested.

Scarlet: Unless you have sought legal advice from Mr Pouncer, Miss Scarlet, you have misconstrued my remark.

Mrs Pouncer: Thank you for correcting your protégé, ma'am. I am rather surprised that your husband would allow these women to perform a task normally carried out by his legal secretary.
Does Mr Pouncer have special briefs for court then? Why can't he wear normal ones from M&S? And why do they have to be tied up? Apologies,
I was speaking metaphorically. These women are meat and drink to Mr Pouncer, and often much else besides. Scarlet, stop it.
Mr. Pouncer wears special briefs advertised in gentlemens' periodicals by Jeremy Paxman.
I'm sure Mrs Pouncer will respond to these undergarment puns with a dignified silence.
The guys on that pole would have to pay ME to watch them. Even then, it would be difficult.

Now YOU, Mr. Bananas, would be a different story...
That's very flattering, Madam Z, but I don't play with vertical poles. Horizontal ones are a different matter.
Wow... I don't think I've ever seen a post tagged with Jack Nicholson, baboons, bears and pole-dancing before ;-)
That picture killed my appetite. And I'm not talking about dead hunger pangs.
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