Friday, September 05, 2008

Dame shortage Down Under

An Australian mayor has received a fierce tongue-lashing for inviting “ugly Sheilas” to settle in his town. The tactless oaf has only himself to blame. Yet it appears that he acted from the best motives, believing that homely spinsters would find it relatively easy to bag a husband in his isolated mining community. Furious female residents have nevertheless demanded his resignation, calling him “a pig”, “a ruffian” and “a shit-eating wombat”. They seem to think he was implying that they had the sex appeal of the duck-billed platypus. The point he was actually making was that the men of the town, who currently outnumber the women fivefold, are in no position to be choosy. The same mathematical logic would apply whether the existing female population were beauty queens or warty-nosed crones.

A more valid criticism of the mayor is that his invitation is likely to be ignored. Women have their pride, and I can’t see many of them migrating to a place acclaimed as the Hagsville of the Australian mining belt. The fellow obviously hasn’t a clue about the advertising game. If you’re desperate to buy a breeding mare, you don’t tell the world that any fat-arsed nag with four hooves will do. Instead, you place an advertisement in the leading horsey periodicals asking for top-class fillies to mate with the finest thoroughbred stallions. Everyone knows that people exaggerate in these notices, and you’ll get plenty of enquiries from the owners of mares about to end up as cat food. As we say in the jungle, “if it’s fertile, it’s fuckable”.

Now the root cause of all this hoo-hah is the human obsession with facial features. The funny thing is that my friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, once told me that in his experience pretty women made disappointing girlfriends. He found them demanding in everyday life, passive in bed and not nearly as gorgeous as they had appeared from a distance of twenty-five feet. The women he had the fondest memories of were the ones he wasn’t initially sure that he fancied. They were the girls who worked hard on their all-round game – many were brilliant conversationalists; others were gymnastic in the sack; a few could play the ukulele. This led me to surmise that you can’t really separate personality from appearance in the human mating game. A women who is beautiful and shrewish will eventually be seen as unattractive by her lovers, just as a woman who is plain and sweet will find men warming to her appearance as well.

All this human angst about physical appearance makes me glad to belong to a species where looks don’t matter. Not the look of your face, at any rate. A firm rump with a generous covering of hair is a pre-requisite for most of the good things of gorilla life, including sex with mates of your choice, status in the higher echelons of society and ringside seats at the python-wrestling tournaments. Gorillas don’t fall in love at first sight, but if we did it would be a glimpse of a furry rump that triggered the emotion. A gorilla version of
Mickey Dolenz (himself an honorary ape in many respects) would have sung:

Then I saw her tush
, now I’m a believer

I don’t suppose many men will fall in love with a woman’s arse, but if Jennifer Lopez’s doesn’t do it for them I doubt anyone’s will.

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can't believe I watched that clip all the way through. I used to watch that show when I was a wee 'un but never realised what a dork davy jones was until now.

mike nesmith was my favourite. I like the nerdy serious types with rich mothers :-)
Dolenz is a Thor-like genius, and I'm sure he foresaw the advent of Our Lady Jennifer of the Block in some mystical way like the Prophet Ezekiel.

Call me old-fashioned, but God put pretty girls on this Earthly disc so that we could think about them while shtupping the plainer but filthy ones. They need to know their place.
Shit eating wombat is a first rate insult. I intend to use it at least once a day. As always you are quite correct, absolument!
"Low resolution fox" is the term used by the young (on whom sex is totally wasted.)
We had a woman at work when I worked for ICI. Plain would have been kind but every time she came near me I went funny. She was like a magnet, but it wasn't my keys in my pocket. I don't know what the hell it was. She did smell nice but all women smell nice, I have no idea. A man in his prime is much more interested in whole body fit, get that right and you've won a watch.
Great song, and for me Mickey Dolenz was the best. But what a shitter miming was and always will be. I agree with your friend Smacker that beautiful women are usually a teezy bit boring - they won 1st prize when then hit their teens and think that they don't have to put in the requisite effort any more. Cah!
I once dated a girl who liked to play the ukulele in the sack. It was really difficult to look my flatmate in the eye the next day.
And what about those of us who are still beautiful, great conversationalists, gymnasts in the sack and learned ukulele from Roy Smeck, hmm? All I will say is this: being beautiful in my youth was a waste of time. Boys are not interested in the set of ones features or hair colour; they are interested in high levels of co-operation and front-opening Wonderbras.
There is a European equivalent of that Aussie town. It is Aachen in Germany. The University specialises in engineering, so there are far more male students there than females. I was there for a summer once visiting a male friend, whom I remember distinctly saying, "Even the dogs have boyfriends here".

Not exactly PC talk, but true none-the-less.
Tut. I'm trying to figure out my position on all this one . . . all the fairy lights have blown in my head . . . but . . .
"Call me old-fashioned, but God put pretty girls on this Earthly disc so that we could think about them while shtupping the plainer but filthy ones. They need to know their place."
. . . really made me laugh.
Nursemyra: Yes, and Mr Nesmith went on to become a big shot in his right. Quite a catch for a girl.

Mr Boyo: It's a tactic that works well as long as you remember not to call out the pretty girl's name.

Dr Maroon: It had to be her pheromones, Dr, lurking beneath the perfume. Do you remember the scene in Porterhoue Blue where Zipser's bedder takes off her clothes without hearing a word from him? All men deserve at least one experience like that.

Gadjo: Yes. If they lack musical talent, they should at least learn the ins and outs of phone sex.

Kyknoord: You should have been proud to have bedded such a talented instrumentalist.

Mrs Pouncer: You surely had it all, ma'am, and no doubt still do. Were you never tempted to hand-relieve the boy you liked just to keep him interested?

Misssy: It sounds like a good place to retail sex dolls. Engineers should appreciate a fully functional model.

Miss Scarlet: This post doesn't really apply to you, Miss Scarlet, because like Mrs Pouncer you have both looks and the other abilities. I for one would love to hear you play the ukulele.
I don't recall the late George Formby being especially attractive.
What? And drop my ukulele?
Oh good, I'm glad I don't have to think about all this. I'm going to go and blow a tune on my saxophone now . . . Mrs P and I are thinking of forming a band . . . we are both women of great technique.
we had the same problem up in the highlands of scotland a few years ago jape and there was lots of publicity and so on. Unfortunately though, scotland is a very small place and any available women had already visited the highlands and met the sort of men who hang out there. Needless to say, it didnt work.

Great Porterhouse Blue scene, I think John Sessions was brilliant in that.

Youre right on phermones. Ive seen some real hounds that have sent me howling with unholy desire - including the 55-year-old cleaning lady at my old college, very zipser. She looked like tracey emin - at 55. After a lifetime of cleaning toilets.

The only question is, how old do you have to get before you're brave enough to act on it?
Actually I think humans are very like chimps .... if not then tell me this....why is the no 1 sex symbol in the world Brad Pitt who looks so like a simian I sometimes have to check in his movies to see if he has a tail.
Mr Bananas, I am distraught! You cite Ms Lopez as the epitome of delectable arsyness?

Damn! Was that shrewish? Id best start taking ukele lessons but, if it helps, Im told I am already an expert on the whistle...
PS Peter Tork was and always will be my fave Monkey. So there!
Didn't the mayor of Middlesbrough try the same thing?
Can Bass 1: That's because you are judging by appearance. Mr Formby may have looked like a buck-toothed Lancastrian whippet-breeder, but was actually a sexual dynamo capable of seducing women by twitching his ears.

Mrs Pouncer: Touché, ma'am!

Miss Scarlet: You play the saxophone, Miss Scarlet! Eligible bachelors will be queuing at your front door!

CharlieM: Yes, such organised match-making attempts never seem to work. There's no shame in wanting to plough the furrow of a 55-year-old Tracey Emin lookalike. If only they could all be like Zipser's bedder and make the first move.

Emma: That picture is an abomination! How many men would want to have a woman's body for a day, do you think? Virtually all of them, I'd say.

Mrs Cake: As God is my judge, Mrs Cake, yours was the very first arse I thought of! I had even linked the URL of a picture from your blog. But then I thought better of such favouritism. You already know that I would eat breakfast, lunch and supper off your posterior.

Red Squirrel: Evacuating the city might have been a better idea.
Jay Lo is a real all rounder. She's even got somewhere you can rest your pint so you can eat some pork scratchings unencumbered.
That Monkees clip took me back - but they were just children! At the time I thought they were real men, mind you I was only 2 at the time. I'm with Cakey on Pete Tork, there was something endearingly Harpoesque about him and I always go for the dumb good-looking ones.
Interesting, isn't it, that there isn't a photograph of the mayor. I wonder how he'd score on the beauty scale. Why is it so much more important for women to be beautiful than it is for men? Wish I belonged to a species where looks weren't such a big deal.
In the musical words of Jimmy Soul:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you."

While I applaud your appreciation of the female posterior,(Such applause giving way to spankding, as hand to bottom is want to do.) I can't help but draw your attenttion to the fact that I have been conducting a very thorough investigation on the lack of trouser back filler found on English men.

Where have all the bottoms gone?
Perhaps the Australian mayor should get hald the male population to dress up in Pink, that way you creat a bit of competition amongst the ugly Sheilas?!
The mayor's plan is fatally flawed. I've met a lot of ugly girls that have rancid personalities and no conversation skills, yet still think so highly of themselves that they would never move to a town like that. You hit the nail on the head, GB. He should have advertised for pretty girls, and then all the homely girls would have come down thinking they fit the bill. The art of bargaining is to never reveal your true price.

As for the actual pretty girls, they don't need to move to a mining town; they're too busy plucking dollar bills out of well-to-do men million dollar smiles and trust funds to match.
There should be a "with" right before million dollar smiles. FYI, world. FYI.
Piers Morgan: Wouldn't Jay Lo think you were a prick, Piers? Everyone else does.

Lady Daphne: The poor chap never quite understood that he'd been hired to play the fool rather than play music. He certainly had the face for it.

Mary: Men can improve their looks by acquiring riches, wheres women have only cosmetic surgery. Yet neither is an infallible reproductive strategy.

Helen: Hello Helen. If you want well-packed posteriors you should visit the jungle. No man can beat a gorilla in that respect.

Nuvostlamb: Greeting Ms Lamb. It would take some persuading to make Australian miners wear pink, even for the inducement of an ugly wife.

Chris V: You've met some peculiar women - I blame the self-help books.
Wow, as put downs go you make Jeremy Clarkson seem like Oscar Wilde.
I would be happy with anything right now...
Here's anything. Enjoy.

Don't say I don't ever give you anything.
I have been wondering about the nature of reality and scientific truth - any ideas Karl?
Piers! Your come-backs are burningly etched with the most corrosive pen being wielded this side of Heston Services. Surely you are the Anatole France of the ether; the Thames Valley salutes you!
My 'put down' was only a put down if he really is Piers Morgan, Mrs P. And now Mutley has started asking 'Karl Popper' questions. I vote we turn in for night and leave the floor to any people who still want to comment on the post.
Getting the miners to dress up in pink is easy: jus tell they'll able get cheaper car insurance with Sheila's Wheels (dressed up as a lady of course) and they'll to the nearest shops hunting for pink items of clothing. SOrted!
Hmm interesting concept you have here Mr. Bananas. By the way...why are they called sheilas?
but if a gorilla looks at the tush, isn't it like a human looking at the face...? ;-)
but then again, as you've pointed out, there are other ways to score, fortunately... ;-)
I thought Monkees didn't socialise with Gorillaz.

David Attenborough -> you misled me you fucking hippy in shorts
I saw this in the papers and thought it was a great story (although what's with the photoshopped ass? You should see a big fishy tail, that would flick J-Lo right out of the water)

Anyway in her relentless quest, Mermaid is going swimming over to Australia to see just how ugly these geezers are, although... there are a lot of sharks around in australian waters?

Mind you, there seem to be a lot of sharks on the land...

Maybe merms will stick to the burger munching land whales in the UK...
The mayor doth protest too much. I reckon it's all a smokescreen for a commune of ocker friends of Dorothy in sweaty vests. If he seriously wanted women to go to his town he'd cliam that there were an unfeasibly large number of shoe shops per capita.
Ms Lamb: You mean they have to dress up as ladies as well! That only happens in movies!

Naughty Girl: Perhaps all girls in Australia have 'Sheila' as one of their names?

Eve: The tush tells you a lot about the ape inside. It's like a woman playing the ukulele.

Spanish Goth: We don't socialise with bands that don't play on their own records, Goth.

Mermaid: Hello Mermaid, what have you been up to? I didn't doctor J-Lo's picture, that tail is as real as yours.

Kevin: Yes, the mayor might be using reverse psychology to keep the miners to himself. I wouldn't advise you to advance the theory in any of the town's pubs though.
i believe, if you were to ask the missus...he might admit to being in love with a woman's ass. i don't get it AT ALL...but then, i don't question what i reap all the benefits from.
Pheromones can fuck you up. Baffle you and fuck you up.

I'd like to have a bum like J Lo's. Being able to play Edelweiss on the recorder doesn't really seem like any substitute. Nope, no substitute at all.
mickey was the best...could never understand why anyone would like the others as they had no personality whatsoever...and now...i wonder what i was thinking...still like him though...was wondering however, why do women need a man to be mated? does that complete them in some way? why cant they just be unmarried and happy? just wondering, and as you are the wise gorilla, thought i would ponder on your site...
Oh what the heck, after polishing off several bottles of wine everyone looks pretty hot to me, so lets not worry about it.
Mr B , I am not sure about this ukelele playing business......not sure at all ! .
We uncovered a similar sinister plot by the Spanish government sir, here at the esteemed Soaraway Scottish Satire!

For all your tabloid jingoistic jockular needs:
Kara: The missus is your poodle, girlie. He would jump on your lap and lick your face if you asked him to.

Sam: Don't be too sure, Sam, women who have mastered a wind instrument can be very sexy.

Daisy: It's not so much a need as a biological instinct shared with other animals. But humans can sometimes override those instincts.

Scarlet: I see I'm going to have to take you under my wing, Miss Scarlet. You are in danger of becoming a fallen woman.

Beast: The musical woman is a creature of wonder, Beast. Wind may rank higher than strings though.

CharlieM: I'm not sure what it's similar to, but it certainly sounds as if it needs to be exposed.
Let's not forget, of course, that Ms Lopez's posterier is covered in fine downy hair. A true sign of sex appeal.
I'd like to believe that's true, of course, but what is the source for your claim?
A couple of things:

1) Some human posteriors look nicer than others, but the'd all benefit from a nice crop of feathers. Feathers can work wonders for ass sexiness!

2) Mrs. Doodlius does *not* play the ukulele, but that's OK - I play it enough for the both of us, which considering that I lack hands, is quite impressive, thank you very much.
Dark sources, Mr B. Dark sources!
Yes, it must be pretty dark in there when she's wearing a dress. I think Mr Doodlius should teach his wife how to peck out a few notes on a xylophone so she can accompany him in a duet.
You know sometimes i just don't understand my sex!

They moan and groan about not being able to get a man or life partner blah blah blah, but when u present them with a solution, they get their panties in a knot and start to get all picky and choosy about it!

The first step to happiness is i think acceptance of your shortcomings :p
Oh and i am so glad that i can finally (re)post on your blog again. Been having a lot of trouble. Don't know if it's because of my stupid country and how they're trying to block all the blog access (don't know if you've heard). Anyway i'm just glad that i can again :p
It wonderful to have you back, Saby. I hadn't heard and I'm shocked that anyone would try to come between us. I think you'd be a popular agony aunt...especially with men!
Hee hee...thank you luv!

But yeah the political situation in my country is pretty bad at the moment with the government throwing bloggers and journalists in jail (ISA) for no reason. And they have threathened to do the same to other bloggers who speak out against them. It's very gestapo-like. Read on our Internal Security Act (ISA) where people can be detained without a fair trial!!!!

Had to post it here cos i would get into trouble if i posted it on my blog :(

Hopefully no one tries to come beteween us again :p
That's bad news, Saby. I would gladly give you asylum until a saner regime came to power.
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