Friday, August 22, 2008
Have you ever met a member of a historical re-enactment society? These peculiar people often staged their events on the same site that our circus performed. I remember a fellow in medieval garb arriving on the scene as we were departing from a venue in
“Got any contraceptive potions, mate?” asked one of our female employees facetiously.
He responded to this quip by remaining resolutely in character. “The venerable Longworm has written that a woman who swallows a bee will never again conceive from man or demon,” he declared.
The girl tittered and I walked over to have a chat.
“I see you are a graduate of the Catweazle school of medicine,” I said. “Is it true that a woman who swallows a goldfish will give birth to a mermaid, or possibly a fish-faced goblin?”
“Those are the words of Old Mother Muckton, the Fishwife of Fuckton,” he replied. “Last Michaelmas we put her in stocks and pelted her with parsnips for her false tongue.”
“In that case I am indebted to you for refuting her bogus theories,” I said. “What brings you here, good Sir? Is a battle in the offing?”
“Your premonition is true, O wise and wondrous ape! The Bastard of Normandy has arrived at
“Godspeed indeed!” I agreed. “Were it not for another pressing engagement, I would gladly assist in
It was actually a pleasant surprise to meet a medieval re-enactor, because
We shouldn’t forget the women, of course. Allowing them to be Roman soldiers would be ahistorical, but they can fight against them if they’re butch enough to be British and don’t mind acting in simulated rape scenes. Playing a Roman woman is more suited to the domestic goddess type who prefers to stay in the villa and recreate authentic dishes. The historical sources indicate that the mainstay of Roman cuisine was a fishy sauce in which they dipped their bread and marinated their meat – salsus vaginus as they called it.
But condiments notwithstanding, the best way to spice-up the Roman scene would be to muster an army of druid impersonators. Those mystical wizards made their last stand on the island on
(Sorry, I haven't quite grasped the point of all this, have I).
Good point about the Romans and the Welsh though.
17 aliases: Are you talking to me, Sirrah? When I'm not blogging I chase baboons. I no longer perform for the masses.
Gadjo: I wish you'd been there to tick him off, as he wouldn't have believed I came from a medical family. Do you remember Catweazle then?
Beast: Being a Saxon is very PC isn't it? Everyone's a victim these days. Why don't you tell him to fuck off back to Saxony?
Nursemyra: They found their targets long ago, Nursie.
Sirtweed: The women's clothes are clearly from the pre-imperial era. Not so sure about the man, but he symbolises the rape of England by Norman invaders.
Do you, perchance, possess one of those damn handy RSS type things? I, for one, would find this greatly to my liking.
Oh, and are you in anyway related to that other eloquently spoken gorilla, Gerald?
I've always maintained that reason William was called "The Bastard" was because he left the French cookbook back Caen, thereby dooming us Anglo-Saxons to a lifetime of boiled beef.
As for reanactors, I'd be partial to someone playing the role of Boadicea -- nothing like topless women with swords.
Next time... :-)
Ah, that's nice, I never thought about it that way. I apologise unreservedly for calling your friend a "Blackadder reject". May all re-enactors continue to enjoy their harmless pastime and may all war be a thing of the past.
When I reached the end of the sentence, I suddenly noticed the rhyme, and laughed out loud ;-)
A post with plenty of puns, gorilla... :)
In fact, I've heard it said, that the side with most male impersonators usually won.
Daisy: Yes, they have such enthusiasm about what they do.
Randall: I believe 'Boudicca' was her correct name and 'Boadicea' was an unfortunate spelling mistake. Her red hair was impressive, but I'm not sure about the rest of her. I would rather see a gladiatrix in action.
Gadjo: I was surprised you weren't a re-enactor yourself. There's plenty of interesting history in your part of the world. Or are the wounds still sore?
Eve: It's the next best thing to giving you a tickle!
Ms Bananasfk: Thank you, madam. 'Hairy yet smooth' is my new motto.
Sam: Didn't they become squires of the knights they were in love with? That's what happens in the movies anyway. Out of the question in the Roman army.
Now if only the man serving chips in a skimpy costume would happen by, Gorilla could sleep content in the knowledge he had truly seen all of the world.
My apologies, but I am a Colonial.
Shortly thereafter these frozen-treats-on-a-stick would be sold at all the major public floggings. I noticed several men hungrily sucking on these tasty treats (deep throating them even) while watching the belly dancers at the last faire I attended.. So... gay (that's the word I was looking for). =)
Any re-enactment in this part of the world would have to take the form of massacre, cultural subjugation, and deportion of vasts numbers of the population. I fear this may be beyond even the brave souls of The Sealed Knot.
It was quite high tech for it's day.
XL: Don't be so hasty, there is supposedly a lot of nice scenery on that groin.
Lucy: The damn parsnip is hidden from view!
Randall: I think the name was mis-copied centuries ago by some monkish fellow, so it's not your teacher's fault.
Static: The frosty pecker doesn't sound like an authentic medieval dish to me. People should be more careful about what they swallow.
Gadjo: William I committed similar outrages in the north of England but those ancient wounds are no longer raw. Surely Romania ought to have a Roman re-enactment scene if any country does?
Pi: The skirt may have been Roman, but the equipment was Welsh.
and no, i don't think that makes me a bad person.
Maybe the picture at the top is responsible for such?
Kara: I'd cast you as the wife of a barbarian chieftain. You might be made for the part.
Chris: Welcome, Sir. In those days there were potions for just about everything.
Nude King: Can an arse-whipping give a man an erection? I really don't know.
Gadjo: The Turkish event might be a crowd puller. Vlad the Impaler meets Quentin Crisp.
Mary: I believe some re-enactors make a living from tourists. Chester is the place for Roman specialists.
Tickersoid: Did you ever doubt it?
Letty: The American Civil War doesn't sound nearly as much fun at cowboys, whores, Mexican bandits and senoritas. How would you like to have men drawing pistols for your honour?
Mutley: Who plays Hotlips?
Ha! A fascinating if uncomfortable idea; and also the least likely filmscript ever to be accepted a Hollywood producer! (Although if it were it would probably have to be a musical).
I recall from his employment file that Gyppo Byard is a re-enactor of various episodes of the English Civil War.
A Mr Medvedev of the Kremlin, Moscow, has recently set up a Russian Civil War re-enactment society. Perhaps you could all join.
But Christmas is coming. ~wink~
Gadjo: You could play their interpretor. What a challenge it would be to translate their idioms of speech!
Kyknoord: You'd have to learn the sword-work as well.
Mrs Boyo: To be fair to Boyo, he's never shown any sympathy for druids. Re-enacting the Russian civil war is sheer masochism!
Kate: Hello Kate! I don't take the pictures myself so I can't vouch for their historical accuracy. Are you really half Welsh? You should introduce yourself to Mrs Boyo and her husband.
Bekbek: Hello Bekbek! I return your wink with a smack of the lips!