Monday, September 01, 2008

The herd instinct

I recently heard some tourists speculating about the next celebrity-inspired fad. A futile endeavour in my view. You may as well try to predict where the next outbreak of genital cooties will occur (not necessarily in Paris Hilton’s briar patch, for those tempted to skewer a sitting duck). Remember when Britney Spears and Madonna kissed open-mouthed on stage? Who would have thought it would inspire girls to start smooching each other all over the place? There’s no telling what event will spark off copycat behaviour among the human masses.

Back in my circus days, I remember a clown over-balancing during a performance and falling out of the ring. In doing so, he accidentally massaged the enormous bosom of a middle-aged lady in a ringside seat – an honest mistake that could have happened to anyone. Most of the audience laughed like mad, but the woman was visibly shocked by the incident. Ashamed of his faux pas, the clown punished himself by bending over in the centre of the ring and slapping his buttocks with both hands. This deed provoked a tumultuous chorus of delighted shrieks from the kiddies in the crowd. They were bending over and spanking themselves throughout the rest of the show, and no doubt for many days afterwards at home. I suppose it saved their parents the bother of punishing them. Anyway, the moral of the story is that humans instinctively follow crazes from their infancy.

One activity I predict will not become the next big thing is
nude barbecuing, a pastime promoted by madcap comedian Adam Sandler. There is something rather desperate about a celebrity self-consciously trying to get others to copy him. The human herd can sense it’s not the behaviour of a true pack leader and will assume the person doing it is a bit of a dick. Speaking of which, what sane man would allow his todger to dangle unprotected near the sizzling heat of an open-air stove? Risk-taking in pursuit of glory has its merits, but doing it in the cause of grilling a piece of meat is gratuitous bravado. Even Scott and Amundsen dressed to ensure that their willies would be the last bits to get frostbitten in the Antartic. I suspect that Mr Sandler has unresolved “penile issues” from childhood, which have resulted in a perverse desire to expose his member to the naked flame.

Of course, humans who follow the latest fashions and trends are often decidedly mediocre themselves. I avoided such types in the circus and sought out the society of misfits and eccentrics instead, much as Jesus did at the height of his own crowd-pulling fame. Whether you’re Portia de Rossi or a warthog, the important thing is to be comfortable in your own skin and develop a personal style that works for you. There was a tightrope walker with whom I was friendly who wore a beret when he wasn't performing – it made him something of a social pariah. When I decided to wear one myself it instantly became trendy and people started asking the high-wire man where they could buy one. At this point I went back to my sans chapeau condition.

Although few humans are lucky enough to have a gorilla to lend them moral support, I hope that the individualists among them will nevertheless persevere in the face of public derision. As
Witch Hazel wisely said: “Different means heartache, different means pain, but I’d rather be different than be the same”.

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bet you looked hot in a beret :-)
Bet you felt hot, uncomfortable, self-conscious and worried about your hairline. Or was this at Greenham Common c. 1982?
Ah, the late great Mama Cass. I'm estimating that the 20-30 years of "being different" are the worst; but once your over that you're a winner, meanwhile the "samey" ones who had it easy are stuck in their dull, predictable lives. "Inventing" something that's different and encouraging people to do it with you is simply crass. (And this comment is very pompous, even for me - I do beg your pardon.)
The only trendsetters I know are statisticians. Weird bunch.
Well I've just rushed out and bought a pair of berets and I'm just about to invite my best girl pal over . . . this trend is going to happen . . . you just watch me . . . .
I've often wondered where Frank Spencer got his inspiration.

BTW, do you think perhaps that the wearing of kilts started one fateful day, when some Braveheart after applying his daily smattering of wode, thought it might a good match with his mum's skirt that just happened to be left out for the wash?

They must have got a bit bored in between bloody skirmishes, and a bit of transvestitery would have made a delightful counterpoint.
Actually, I think you'll find that Adam Sandler is an "unresolved penile issue".

Nursemyra: Well, Nursie, my head did get a bit hot.

Mrs Pouncer: Did you ever consider camping with the Greenham ladies, Mrs Pouncer? A lesbian experience at that stage of your life would have rounded your character perfectly.

Gadjo: You sound like someone who's experienced being different. If so, England was probably a better place to grow up than most others.

Kyknoord: I've met a few too. Spend a lot of time looking at their shoelaces.

Scarlet: I was going to call you a silly girl for copying me, but then I realised you'd probably look incredibly sexy in a beret + designer raincoat + nothing else.

Schopenhauer: I think it's more to do with ventilation. Once a man gets use to air circulating around his genitals, he's not going to put on a pair of trousers. As for Frank Spencer, he was simply a tit.

Glamourpuss: Haha! I'll take your word for it, Puss!
I would respect Sandler more if he fried bacon in the nude.

Or maybe I would just be happier.
Tres amusant, Mr Bananas. Like most of the young brides in the West Berkshire area at the time, I was horrified at the sight of such belligerent dykery, utterly ruining the ravishing sight of our beloved strategic air command garrison. Salvation only arrived in the form of the First Squadron of the 501st Tactical Missile Wing, borne to us by C-5As. What adorable young men! I was soon being offered Eezi-Cheeze by all-comers, and have never looked back.
Strangely, I have a photograph from a recent New Year's Eve which is not dissimilar. No one is wearing a beret tho... Oh stoppit, I didnt mean Witch Hazel!
I see Mrs Pouncer is a woman after my own heart and appreciates a young man in a uniform, even better in a Harrier jump jet.

I too sought out the society of misfits and eccentrics. That's how I discovered blogging.
Mere fads pass -
Gorillas in berets? Quality endures.
And I my Canadian counterpart A Wislen once paraded through East Acton in berets and were roundly derided. The only fit company we could find were men of unfeasibly rightwing views down the Latvian Social Club. We went bareheaded thereafter, and found far more success with the ladies, to their continuing distress.
Due to a facial deformity, I was different before it was "cool" to be different. I suffered for it, when I was young. Now I don't give a damn and let all my other "differentnesses" fly, unfettered by shyness. Still, it would have been nice "to have a gorilla to lend (me) moral support," before I overcame my shyness.
Chris V: His own bacon, presumably. I don't think he'd make anyone else's breakfast.

Mrs Pouncer: Had you been in your 20s during WW2 you would surely have had the time of your life, Mrs Pouncer. Visiting American servicemen would have come to hold you in higher esteem than Pamela Churchill.

Mrs Cake: It sounds like a fine piece of photography, Mrs Cake. Women shouldn't be afraid to experiment now and again.

Lady Daphne: Yes, blogging has been our calling, hasn't it milady? Perhaps you were more of a Mary Magdalene than a Jesus.

Kate: Thank you, dear lady!

Mr Boyo: I think we have to thank Frank Spencer for making the beret unappealing to the ladies. It surely wasn't so in the heyday of French Resistance.

Madam Z: I doff my beret to you, ma'am. You would have definitely had a place in my inner circle of human friends.
Your imagination, as ever, is spot on Mr Bananas.

I was thinking about writing a post about the 'Break the mould' VO5 advert in which a group of stunningly attractive young people are advised to use VO5 so that they can create an individual style . . . so they all use the VO5 gunk . . . and they still all look the same . . .
gorilla...i have always agreed with being different...and while i don't go out of my way to make people notice my differences, they are there for the people who are close to me...and they notice...btw i can play crazy really well if it is ever needed...
A good lesson for the kids, gorilla. I always WAS different.. and have learnt to live so .. :-)
I am sure conformists , or just those who lack any imagination are quite happy as well .
I am utterly opposed to the beret Mr B , its the slippery slope to stripey shirts, strings of onions and all sorts of hastly continental behaviour.
I wonder if Mrs Pouncer has ever concidered a brazilian ??
The only fellow I knew who followed the herd so closely was later arrested for aggravated sexual-assault on some livestock.

Let that be a warning to you all.
I must take issue with you on an important point. Isn't Paris shaved down below so how could genital cooties nest in her briar patch? I suppose you will say I am splitting pubic hairs? lol
Miss Scarlet: I am flattered that you should ask for my advice on a future post. Your idea sounds like a cracker, Miss Scarlet. Am I now like an uncle to you?

Daisy: Subtle differences are just as precious as glaring ones. And playing crazy is a very useful skill when you live in a world of wild beasts.

Eve: Were you the only girl who wanted to be a doctor, Eve?

Beast: Adding onions to a beret would be a silly stereotype, Beast. And Mrs Pouncer is too regal to respond to an obvious quip like that, you have to be more sly.

Lord Likely: It is a very apt warning, m'lud. Men have been trampled to death for that sort of behaviour in my part of the world.

Emma: I've just googled 'Paris Hilton twat' and it seems to be a little furrier than Britney's. Perhaps she is letting it grow now?
Brilliant as always!
Gorillas tend to follow the herd instinct don't they?
As do witches.
Oh no Mr B, not an Uncle . . . it's just that a sensible moment came over me . . .
Who were you thinking of Beast? Ronnie Biggs? Isn't it about time you were home polishing your toy gun? Perhaps a pot noodle and a Guy Ritchie dvd?

Mrs Pouncer! eazi-cheeze is right! As you know full well, once you have tasted the creme de la creme, everything else IS eezi-cheeze.

Daphne Daphne. You and your young meeeen. How often must I tell you. It is the difference between a Japanese sports car and an Aston.
With the young maaaaan, you get a noisy trip to the chippy so that he can show off his milf, I believe that is the term, with the man in his prime however you get a much longer smoother ride with exciting points of interest on the way. It so happens I shall be in Toulouse (France) again later this month, and would be delighted to share a test drive. I'm in the book.
Good heavens, Maroon. I see you have been lapping up your restorative soup a bit early today.
Mr GB - I am the Pamela Churchill de nos jours. I am currently working on my great oeuvre La Vie Tumulteuse de Mme Pouncer, and I shall name names.
You're spot on Dr Maroon . . . those Jap sports cars run out of fuel after a quick burst . . . I'd much rather have a man with an Aston and a lengthier ride . . .
Don't listen to her Maroon! A young passenger is nothing but a pest, constantly fiddling with the air con and ogling young men at traffic lights; whereas the more mature traveller will stay strapped in at all times, pass you Barley Sugars and tell you which lane to get into.
Oh . . . sorry Mrs P . . . I don't mean to tread on your toes or nothing, I'm just keeping him warm for you . . . think you're on to a winner with the 'strapped in' bit though . . . blimey, you know a thing or two Mrs P . . .
Beast, on a re read I see I may have given you the impression that I am an arsehole. Please do not send the boys round. I'm not worth it. It's women: well I don't need to tell you, they can upset a man's gimbals, topple his giros a bit. eh?
Oh I dunno, I'm sure Scarlet would soon get the hang of the controls Clarissa, she looks a quick learner, But you are right! No! I have found that there is nothing better than the older hand guiding me round the curves and keeping me on the straight.
Mr B . 'Too Regal' my ass. As Grandma Beast would have it 'All fur coat and no knickers' would be a more apt description.
Dr Maroon .I was actually thinking of a shaven haven and wasn't Ronnie Biggs English ??. While the Beast is no food snob and recognises the place in the pantheon of food for the unassuming pot noodle . As it is a training day the Beast will be dining on something light but nutritous like Eggs florentine.
However if you wish to 'polish your weapon' in front of the TV ...its a free country.
Just looking at that Madonna and Britney photo enraged me all over again. It made me feel embarrassment the first time around. And then disdain over the desperation of it.

And then I realised that I had actually had an out of body experience and was actually in the mind and body of little Lourdes Ciccone. The shame, the shame!
Ms Ari: You flatter me, ma'am, and I love every bit of it!

Delaina: Welcome, Delaina. I assure you there are both gorillas and witches who lead rather than follow.

Miss Scarlet: Tempt not the Doctor, Miss! Wronged wives can be brutal in his part of Northern Britain. Keep his mind on turbines and stuff!

Mrs Pouncer: I fear that Miss Scarlett has dragged you into a cat fight, Mrs Pouncer. On the back seat is surely more your style...with a chauffeur I mean.

Dr Maroon: I know you love to chat with everyone Dr, but you've got the wrong end of Beast's weapon here: it is no more than an ironic fashion statement. He is not a gangland boss.

Beast: Ah Beast, what is it about posh women that makes you see red? Was it your headmistress at primary school? I remember your very first comment on this blog was a vulgar conjecture about the Lady Camilla. Forgive Dr Maroon, he doesn't know you like I do.

Misssy: Well that accounts for the shame then. I was shocked to begin with, but got over it quite quickly.
Mr B , I have no problems with Ladies of Breeding or Dr Maroons assumptions , but one cant be blamed for gently pulling iethers plonker , so to speak :-)
I like plonkers.
Adam Sandler's weenie must be cured by now, cured like a smoked ham. His groin must smell like a forest fire in a national park.
I think you're making a huge leap by assuming that Adam Sandler has any penis whatsoever.
Girls only perform lesbian acts to tease the guys. Half the girls out there making-out with other girls or the ones who call themselves "bisexual" aren't very honest. Trends.
Let's hope the new trend won't be anything 2girls1cup-like.
I have done some nude barbecuing in the past, tho. But you have to be careful with the splatter...especially chicken wings, they tend to splatter a lot more than steaks.
You know what trend is catching on ... revealing your butt-crack.
At one time it was only the plumbers offering butt-crack peaks ... but now ... I see them all the time ... expecially the girls with the low cut jeans and those thong thingies who feel the need to sit down or bend down.
Phew! What a view!
Good lord, naked bbq eh? I can think of a few people who I would heartily recommend this hopefully disastrous pastime. Thanks for the heads up before the bbq season kicks in GB ;)
Beast: You are pulling them very hard in this thread.

Scarlet: And I'm sure they like you, my dearest.

Sam: Sam, honey, you are truly an expert on how to cook a man's private parts! I assume you learnt it back in Lewis.

Baba Doodlius: Sandler has no penis? He's taking a real hammering in this thread. Doesn't he have any fans?

Secret Agent: I think they do it partly to practice safe sex.
Pretending to be a lesbian in a man's body, like Eddie Izzard, might be a good way of getting some action.

Joe: I can't see any problem with women showing their butt cracks. The comparison with boob cleavage is quite interesting.

Zuba: Do you think Shane Warne might give it a go? Amazing that it wasn't invented by an Australian.
Wasn't there some hot babe who also used to cook naked? Was it Salman Rushdie's wife?

Anyway i can't for the life of me understand my people would want to cook in the nude. We Malaysians fry a lot of things and use a lot of curry so you can imagine what would happen should that all splash onto our naked appendages!!! Ouch!!!
What a great post.

I also like what Gadjo Dilo says about the first 20-30 years of being different being the hardest. In my own case, I suffered hell until I was 17; after that it was smooth sailing. I'm as ordinary as all get out, but I don't have it in me to follow trends. I'd have lost that beret too, once I saw everyone else grabbing one. Good for you, too, finding friends among the misfits and eccentrics. I'll bet we'd have been pals.
Sabrina: Cooking spicy food in the nude is dangerous, but what about a cold dessert? Would you prepare fruit salad in the nude, Saby?

Mary: Thanks Mary. I'm sure you're a better person for those difficult early years.
great blog draw, that one. pix of birds kissing are a winner, every time!
Ooh now that u mention it, i think i might!! Especially if someone was plannng on eating it off me...hee hee hee
If you got to do something nude, why barbecuing? Why not nude shopping, or nude inline skating? Nude barbecuing will not catch on. Adam Sandler is an idiot.
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