Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Beijing thing

Everyone at the safari camp is following the Olympics on TV, but the whole thing leaves me cold. In the few events I’ve watched I couldn’t recognise a single face. How am I supposed to get excited about a bunch of nobodies competing against each other? It’s a bit like going to see an art-house movie with no big stars – you appreciate the skill of the director, but don’t really care what happens to the characters. Flags and national pride mean nothing to me.

If I were in charge of the Olympics, I‘d invite Mr Becks to participate in a delegation of one. He could represent Toontown so all the kiddies would cheer him on. After the recent ego-massage he got from Eva Mendes, he ought to be on top form in the high jump. The pouting sex kitten admitted in a
newspaper interview that she would fancy Becks if he smelled of “old socks and bad cheese”. I would have thought the aroma would suit him rather better than aftershave or cologne, but apparently many women have delicate olfactory organs. I can’t help wondering what Victoria Spice will make of this brazen attempt to seduce her husband. Gorilla Bananas is no agitator, but even he can sniff a catfight in the air. Perhaps the ladies should go to Beijing and settle their differences in the wrestling competition.

One group of athletes I will be watching closely is the female sprinters. In truth, their bodies fascinate me – tight bottoms, flat bellies and small breasts. Although these features are quite admirable from a certain angle, they’re not the ideal combination for producing children, and therein lies the quandary. Why would such traits have survived in the female stock if they were unsuitable for breeding? On first sight, it’s not something that chimes with the ideas of Charles Darwin, the great father of ape brotherhood.

The first thing I do, when faced with a puzzle like this, is send an e-mail to Professor Dawkins. If you’re wondering why he’d bother to answer my queries, please note that Dicky has been in my debt ever since
I saved his life as he dangled precariously above the rapids of the Congo. He also knows that I visit England from time to time and might accost him in Oxford if he displeased me. I certainly wouldn’t rule out interrupting one of his lectures, if he started getting sniffy, and giving his head a good rub in front of his students.

So I fired off an e-mail and got a long reply from Dicky, which I won’t reproduce in full. The gist of his argument is that women haven’t evolved solely as baby machines – in order to reproduce successfully, they had to live long enough to bear a goodly brood and nurture them to adolescence. In the context of mankind’s ancestors in the African plains, this required skills like running away from predators at high speed, hence the advantage of the sprinter’s build. There’s no point trying to have babies if a lion has chewed your head off.

Had Dicky stopped there, I would have accepted the logic of his point and held my peace. But he then went on to create a second line of defence, arguing that even if having a small arse makes no sense in biological terms, humans can brainwash themselves with “memes”. These things are like computer viruses, he asserted, infecting the human brain and making people disobey their selfish genes. Thus a woman might come to believe that having a tight little tush was desirable for its own sake.

I don’t know about you, but this sounds suspiciously like a “get-out-of-gaol” card to me. He seems to be saying that even if natural selection doesn’t work, it’s all the fault of those wretched “memes” rather than the theory itself. I’m in two minds whether to send him a scornful e-mail or give his head a good rubbing the next time I’m in England. What do you think?

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The pheromone thing is strangely powerful I think. I've found myself attracted to men I didn't think I would be before, especially if I'm beside them for any length of time. I haven't been able to figure out why always - I reckon it's their whiff. They say that the stronger the pheromone attraction between a man and a woman, the greater the difference in the immunological components they bring to a union, which will in turn produce healthier children with a broader complement of immunological defences.

So they say.
I'd like to see Dawkins explain the whole synchronized diving thing. Good grief, if there's anything more gay, i.e. not conducive to reproduction and furthering the interests of the gene pool, it's that. Send him an email for me, will you GB?

For a tribe of early humans to survive they'd need people who weren't interested in shagging 100% of the time to protect those that were.

Hence gay people, those that wish to become priests, and Fatima Whitbread.
Cow is relieved she can view GB's blog again (work frowns on naked pictures) Whew!

Cow only knows that GB could wipe all these record-holders off the books if he visited Beijing.

I wish I had a body like Ms 960's -- or that I could sprint, for that matter. I can't run worth beans; any lion that wanted to could snap me right up.

As for Eva Mendes, she ought to be careful. One morning she might wake up and find that some fed-up wife has sent her a smelly mate who has refused to shower. I'm betting that quip about smelly cheese was made rather flippantly.
yes but surely evolution in the Darwinian sense stops the minute the organism develops consciousness, speech and so on, since they would not then be hostage to their environment. at that point physical attributes become secondary and therefore expand to cover the widest range available as we see in our Great Nation today (especially in shopping malls).
Our (Man's) evolution must surely end in a transfer to a machine form, relinquishing our fleshy bodies entirely.
Could a sprinter could actually outrun a lion? That could be an interesting Olympic event.
You lost me after the catfight over Becks. If I'm honest, you lost me after I looked at his photo. He is deliciously handsome.

I know there was something about Oxford, tight asses and Darwin, but my brain was all confused.

Blame it on Beckham.
The endearing thing about ladies with tight little tushes is that they have a tendency to stay pert well into middle age.

Leastways that's what they tell me.
I guess certain "unfavorable" genes survived embedded in people long enough so that, in modern history when survival of the fittest is nothing but an explanation for ancient evolution, these genes could then pop out in future babies. All you have to do is walk around a public place to realize that the human race is full of genetic rejects, myself included.

Let's be honest, a giraffe that needed glasses and a knee brace probably isn't going to survive in the wild. As a human? Successful businessman.
I'm finding it very easy to ignore that tragic mess.
There’s no point trying to have babies if a lion has chewed your head off.

so true. i find i have to remind myself of this daily.
Sam: Very true, Sam, different smells work for different women. It could be cheese-and-onion, salt-and-vinegar, or smokey bacon, depending on the genetics of your immune system.

Randall: Is that the one where they all float upside down and kick their legs in harmony? Maybe residual duck genes have something to do with it.

Red Squirrel: Another gratuitous dig at Fatima Whitbread! Are there no circumstances in which you'd have made love to her?

Ms Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow. We gorillas do have certain genetic advantages over our human cousins, but don't like to boast about them.

Mary: She's not very curvaceous, Miss 960, but it doesn't seem to matter. I wonder what she smells like after a tight heat.

Dr Maroon: According to Dicky, sexual selection still modifies the gene pool after the struggle for survival has ceased. The future belongs to the sprog-poppers.

XL: I believe it was a popular, if rather one-sided, sport in ancient Rome.

Trish: He's a good-looking boy, but his conversation might be a bit dull for you, Trish.

Kevin: One would hope so, but lack of size is no guarantee of pertness. Gravity is the enemy of the human female.

Chris V: Mutations are another explanation, but who knows which human genes are now favoured? If Bill Gates made a donation to a sperm bank, how many children do you think he'd end up having?

Letty: Yes, you don't need the Olympics if you're having fun in the great outdoors.

Kara: I'm going to write a rule book for having babies and dedicate it to you, Missy. I can sense your womb is crying out for a little tenant.
Don't rub the poor mans head. He's losing enough hair already.
I'm sure pregnancy screws up any women's body just enough to make sure that she can't escape from any lions in the future. in that case, why did pregnancy evolve.
Why can't you do both? Send him a scornful email warning him that his head is going to get a good rubbing in due course.
Ask him to explain ping pong as an Olympic sport.
Rub the head, and tell him to get a haircut while he's at it. Scientists shouldn't be smart and look like Alan Alda, it's not fair on us arts grads.

Catfights should be in the Olympics. They've got a branch of Hooters in Beijing now, so what's stopping them?
GB - The expression built for comfort not for speed comes to mind. I am a fan of Rubens.

Any chance you could add some weight to my petition to the Olympic committee to get naked female beach volleyball accepted as a serious sport.
i trust the head you're going to rub is the one on top of his neck
I am quite an admirer of the lithe, lean female athlete's form.

Above anything else, it enables them to run doubly quick to the kitchen, and prepare me a meal.
Mr Guru: Good point, Mr Guru, women would be much better off laying eggs like the platypus. I can only suppose that early humans wouldn't have had the patience to sit on them.

Kynoord: Good idea, but if I gave Dicky advance warning of his head-rubbing the poltroon might go into hiding.

Clea: That would be straining his expertise to beyond its natural limit.

Mr Boyo: You can tell Mrs Beckman would be a great catfighter, it's in her sulky face. I'd spare Dicky the head-rubbing if he agreed to referee these events.

Uncle Norman: We gorillas like 'em big, but not wobbly. You could argue that all Olympic sports should be performed in the nude as they were in ancient Greece.

Nursemyra: Yes Nursie, possibly after dipping my hands in oils and condiments.

Lord Likely: Although you might be out of puff after chasing them round the estate, milord.
"The endearing thing about ladies with tight little tushes is that they have a tendency to stay pert well into middle age."

I love Kevin Musgrove x

As a veteran of two caesareans due to insufficient pelvic capacity and not being able to run very fast either, Im just wondering exactly what it is that I am good for...
PS As the problemchildbride said, pheromones are the key. If you looked at Ruf and me, it is unlikely that you would ever put us together. In fact, the first time our eyes met across a crowded room, it never even raised a smile. However, a few months later when I leaned up to do that peck on the cheek thing that you do when you say goodbye to acquaintances and got a full waft...
I hope you'll be supporting your compatriot Gary Kikaya in the Men's 400 metres. You should have entered for the gymnastics, you'd have been a dead cert in swinging on a rope. If you turn up in Oxford they'll probably make you President of the Students' Union.
As an inhabitant of Transylvania, I should be calling for Bear Baiting to be included in the Olympics. But, further to Ms Mendes' comments, how about Cock Teasing instead?
in insist that you do. though i couldn't promise to follow it to the letter. i tend to rebel against rules.
A couple of things:

1) "...even he can sniff a catfight in the air". Does it smell of "old socks and bad cheese”?

2) XL - you don't need to outrun a lion, you only need to outrun the guy next to you who is also trying to run from the lion.
I'm no agitator, but surely Ms Mendes is five or ten times sexier than Ms Beckham? I would love to see them cat fighting (in tight leather cat suits of course)...would much rather watch that than the andrognous automatons of the olympics
Dawkins was invented to make middle browers think they're intelligent.
Mrs Cake: You were built for lurve, Mrs Cake. For lurve and for sin.

Lady Daphne: As a citizen of the gorilla nation, I won't be supporting anyone. I'd have been a dead cert for many events, but I no longer show off in front of humans.

Gadjo: One of my females is an expert cock-teaser. "You're just a big crowing parrot," she said to a rooster.

Kara: I'll start writing when the bun is in the oven.

Baba Doodlius: A catfight smells of catnip and fish. And angry pussy.

Emma: Miss Mendes has a younger shapelier body, but she's probably less of an alley cat in the sack than Victoria. Mrs Beckham looks like a scratcher to me.

Dino: He ought to re-invent himself to make the stupid think they're intelligent as well. He'd sell more books to more satisfied customers.
A meme does for Dawkins what God once did for the rest of us. And God, as we all know, likes tight tushes.
"Although these features are quite admirable from a certain angle, they’re not the ideal combination for producing children, and therein lies the quandary. Why would such traits have survived in the female stock if they were unsuitable for breeding?"

Hold up! Are u saying that ALL women are made for breedig purposes or should breed?
I have a soft spot for David as I can still see the young 10 year old who was good at foot ball.
Why do women swimmers have no bosoms - with all that exercise you would have thought they would have had big bazzomahs?
I must admit I cant raise any interest in watching the olympics , I have a very low boredom threshold and find it very dull. I think Mr Dawkins may have a point in that , regardless of you natural genetic leanings there are so many options to change it if the asthetics of the time are against you ie
genetic fat ass + liposuction= asthetically pleasing small ass
Having conducted extensive research on this subject, I believe that most men don't care whether it's a "tight little tush" or a "fat ass." They're just looking for open legs.
I'm willing to try listening to both God and Mr Dawkins, I like both pert behinds and the generous kind, and I'm pleased by bosomless lady swimmers and those with big bazzomahs - in fact I'm an utter and abject whore.
I am always worried about all the lesbians who fancy those muscly women... how do they fit in the survival/Dawkins thing - or are they just enjoying a lady shag meme?
"According to Dicky, sexual selection still modifies the gene pool after the struggle for survival has ceased."
Does it now: Mr Gorilla Bananas? That then is where he is wrong. A brief surf down the darker streets of internet city, would appraise him of the fact that human sexual preferences are as infinite as the body types available.
I rest my case.
Quod errat demonstrandum.
E Pluribus Unum.
The Dotterel: Fascinating. Did you make that up or hear it in a dream?

Sabrina: No, Saby, I'm saying YOU should breed right now! How much would a man have to pay you to have his baby? $100,000?

Pi: Bosoms are good for buoyancy but bad for speed.

Beast: That's shallow thinking, Beast. You've got to ask yourself WHY the small bum is aesthetically pleasing. I like them big and firm.

Madam Z: That's the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But the first thing you see is the rainbow.

Gadjo: How did God get into this debate all of a sudden? I would call you a connoisseur rather than a whore. The wine buff enjoys many different varieties.

Mutley: It's a complex question, but I doubt there's a lesbian gene.

Dr Maroon: It's the females who are selective, Dr, even if they sometimes appear to make stupid choices. There are deep forces at work here that are beyond the ken of man and ape.
It must be boring if you can’t tell one face from another. Of course, I think that’s because you are an ape. I can’t tell one ape face from another and I would suspect that is true for apes and hoomin faces.
Mr Dotterel mentioned the G-word - in juxtaposition to Richard Dawkins - but I suppose I should have stuck to the more light-hearted boobs and buttocks debate. Thank you, Bananas, I'll regard myself henceforth as a connoisseur rather than a sex pest!
I've been trying to watch the Olympics, but have been busy studying. But anyways, I would have to agree with you about the sprinters having fantastic bodies.
I mean, you have the female gymnasts all looking short, muscular and stubby.
And then you have the female swimmers with their broad shoulders and muscular arms and thighs.
Nothing looks better than a long and lean runner's body...
Although, I wouldn't mind having a body like any of the male athletes of any sport. They're all in great shape.
These "memes"...are they like "trends"?
LOL!!! There isn't enough money in the world, you bad gorilla!

No way am i pushing something that annoying out of my vagina!
I would say the small firm rumps is asthetically and genetically pleasing Mr B , as its indicative that the owner will be an active partner in life rather than a fat , lazy cake guzzling dependant.
It all seems obvious to me :-)
GB leave Mr Darkins alone. We need more of his kind and less of the retards who think the world is flat.
Saintly Nick: I can tell them apart, I just don't know who they are. I have no wish to cheer (or boo) strangers.

Gadjo: I'm not trying to stop you mentioning God out of respect for Prof Dawkins. I just think we should stay focused on the bodies of female sprinters.

Secret Agent: "Memes" are ideas that get stuck in your head. They're a bit like a catchy tune.

Sabrina: I'll find you a jungle midwife who'll pop it out like a piece of soap, Saby. And a nanny too if you're not feeling maternal.

Beast: Too much cake and TV may well result in a wobbly bottom, but it's also possible to be big and firm. If female gorillas can do it, so can women.

Ms Bananasfk: I assure you that I love Dicky like a long lost cousin, ma'am. Were I ever to rub his head, I hope it would stimulate his brain cells to further hone his persuasive arguments.

Dawkin's really is a thicko isn't he?

His main trick is that he makes other thicko's, who couldn't get anywhere with Hawking's books, feel really clever by managing to finish one of his.
"Nothing looks better than a long and lean runner's body..."

Women athletes in jumping events: long legs and pert bottoms. Decorative without being vulgar.
Has anyone ever considered the possibility that both Dawkins and Darwin could be wrong about some things?

Oh heavens...I just remembered...

We are not allowed to even QUESTION Darwin's theory. How could I have been so forgetful?

We wouldn't want to make Richard Dawkins soil his trousers, now would we?
GB you have the the god squad here ! well done sir.

to the god squad - go read the god delusion it's a book. Your next comment here will be 'im praying for you'
My God Mr Bananas, I can't drop this, it IS a godam meme right enough.
It cannot be the female who makes the selection, it's their butts we're discussing. Again, what about the Muslem world, the Indians, Asians? I don't think they are allowed much of a choice. If I remember right, from female selection tests, it was a "V" shaped torso that was the most commonly attractive feature of men for women. After that it was very wide, including forearms, hands, hair etc. A few bob in the bank helped enormously as well.
Dino: You are surely comparing apples and pears. The Dawk and the Hawk are masters of quite different disciplines.

Ken: They sound rather like beanpoles, but I'll try to have a look.

Anonymous: I'm sure Dicky retains sufficient control over his bodily functions to withstand your questioning.

Ms Bananasfk: Well it's an open forum and I like to let people have their say.

Dr Maroon: Dr Maroon is right and so is Dicky Dawkins! The tight arse must be a meme! But sexual selection occurs even if women are forced to marry ugly rich blokes. It must occur unless mates are selected randomly! We are making breakthroughs here, Dr!

Who said I believed in God? This is what I mean, Dawkins just encourages people to be as unquestioning and thick as he is.


I contrast Dawkins with Hawkings to highlight the fact that Hawkings has at least contributed something original to his particular discipline.
Well done for keeping the debate open, Bananas. Anonymous & Dino, do you have websites? We could discuss "go read the god delusion it's a book" etc there.

And what about that Romanian (hurray!) lady marathon winner: a lovely head of hair and physical staying power that might prove a match even for a gorilla.
I wonder what all those steroids that the athletes take, even if not all of them are caught for doping, do to their fecundity.
So...let me see if I understand what you are saying...if I will read "The God Delusion," all my questions will be answered, the debate will be over once and for all, and the Almighty will finally have to admit to the whole world that He doesn't really exist because Richard Dawkins has declared it to be so-"ex cathedra."

I Darwinists can be a bunch of intolerant bloques when you want to be...tsk, tsk.
We are monkeys, this I know
For Charles Darwin tells me so
Anyone who questions THIS
Will make Richard Dawkins PISSED!

Yes, we are monkeys
Yes, we are monkeys
Yes, we are monkeys
Charles Darwin tells me so

*(Sung to the tune of a certain popular children's Sunday School song)
No you oaf.
Darwin never said we were monkeys. Monkeys went off in a different direction. Mike Naithsmith's mom invented typex. A monkey could never have done that. Could have been handy when they were writing the bible though; Greek script is notoriously awkward.
It's Nesmith. Christ alive, wake up Maroon. (PS you are fabulously clever. How rich are you?)
Hey Gorilla, or is your first name Banana? Thanks for your visit to our humble Cafe Hopcott abode like placey thing.

Here's some great news :-)

We've all had a staff meeting and, following much argument, postules at dawn, a vicious tennis match with the lights out (but much waving of equipment) and a trial alternative Olympics in the muddy beaches of the Bristol Channel, we have voted you in as 'Ape in Residence'.

The duties of Ape in Residence involve summer salts which we understand is a supplement that will keep us all young forever, and research into pheremonal development that will make us all smell really sexy especially 'Skunk' who is Head of Tennis development at Cafe Hopcott.

Looking forward to rubbing your potions all over :-)

Bye for now

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