Friday, July 11, 2008

Packing rubber

I hear that a pair of shrewd businessmen are planning to market condoms as a vanity item for a lady’s handbag. They argue that if the love-gloves are tastefully packaged no woman will leave home without them. Perhaps they should also emphasize that mere possession does not imply intent to use. The chastest woman on Earth should take pride in promoting the safe-sex message while equipping herself for emergencies. One assumes, nevertheless, that un-opened packets would be replaced well before their “use by” date to avoid ridicule. The well-bred woman must steer a middle course between retaining obsolete rubbers and procuring fresh ones every time she has a tennis lesson.

Speaking as a gorilla, I have every respect for women who keep condoms discreetly about their person. The motto of the brownies is “be prepared”, and even a good girl might find herself tempted by an eager young Adonis who is not quite ready for fatherhood. The first woman I knew who kept condoms in her possession was an acrobat from my circus days. I discovered her secret in the act of doing her a favour – which was to buy her a pack of three while getting something for my ticklish cough.

“Aren’t men supposed to keep those things?” I asked in all innocence before leaving.

“Would you trust a sniper to give his victim a bullet-proof vest?” she replied.

I judged this to be a rhetorical question of the kind that Jesus used to ask his disciples.

“I shall ponder your profound analogy on my way to the chemist,” I said.

I gather that a lot of men get embarrassed when buying condoms. Being a gorilla, my jungle instincts told me that attack would be the best form of defence. On entering the shop, I looked at the fellow behind the counter and sized him up. He was evidently a smug little twerp who needed to be put in his place.

“A bottle of cough syrup and a packet of your finest willy-wrappers!” I said loudly.

“Yer what?” he replied with an oafish expression on his face.

“Cough syrup and condoms!” I barked impatiently.

“I never knew you gorillas used ‘em!” he remarked wryly.

“We don’t,” I replied. “They are for a lady friend. She likes to put them on her sausages to prevent the juices from escaping when she’s cooking them.”

Perhaps unsure of whether I was speaking figuratively or literally, this statement left him temporarily dumbfounded. He fetched the requested items and placed them on the counter, which prompted me to hand over the cash and take possession of them.

“How hairy is this lady friend of yours?” he asked facetiously as I made my way to the exit.

I turned to give him a scornful glance. “The woman is your sister,” I declared, “and therefore slightly less hairy than a gorilla.”

I should mention here that I don’t generally approve of coarse remarks about a man’s sister. However there are exceptions to every rule. In the film Victor/Victoria, James Garner enters a tavern in a rough area of Paris after the exposure of his affair with a male transvestite (actually a woman played by Julie Andrews). He asks the bartender for a glass of milk. “Cow’s milk or mother’s milk?” replies the latter. “Your sister’s!” retorts Mr Garner, and a massive brawl erupts. Although I had no intention of scrapping with that impudent pharmacist, I wasn’t going to let him have the last word.

On returning to the circus, I found Miss Acrobat and handed over the goods to heartfelt thanks. I sensed she had plans for the evening and could not resist putting the following question to her:

“How does a lady go about asking a gentleman to wear one of her protectors?”

She fluttered her eyelids in humorous affectation. “I ask him if he’d like me to put a condom on him,” she explained. “It’s my way of letting him know that I’m ready for bed.”

I had to agree that even the most imbecilic suitor would find such an overture difficult to misinterpret. I left with the impression that she had much to teach the women of her generation.

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"I ask him if he would like me to put a condom on him."

So that's where I've been going wrong?!!!
Well, really. I can hardly believe I am dignifying this post with comment, but I feel I must speak up for your Catholic readership, such as myself, mother of six and gentlewoman. To whom are you directing these incontinent ramblings?
My dear cousin, now deceased, was the spokeswoman for Dr Hessel, inventor of the Femidom, and appeared several times on the television to endorse this product and to demonstrate its efficacy by suspending it from a netball goal and filling the void with potatoes.
For several years we were not on speakers, but she made a full retraction before her early demise.
A salutory lesson to us all, I think.
I know. I was that imbecile.
The most pertinent question I have is:

Where do you keep your money? Do you favour the man-bag or some sort of bumbag arrangement?
You really should know better. Firstly, "be prepared" is attributed to Baden-Powell indeed but it was not for the girly side - it was for the scouty, silly school going iffeminates.

Secondly, if you actually researched your monkey business, you would find that in Singapore ""The Singaporean Brownie Moto is: Lend a hand" which kind of explains why lard-arse builders flock there like lemmings

Still, I'm sure it's hard in the jungle...
And on that note a fact: gorilla actually have small weiners. And I'm not saying that just because I wanted to say weiner either.
At Freshers week in uni, we went round the tables with plastic bags collecting flyers from all the clubs and organisations on campus. By the time I was done I'd been given 31 condoms by various groups including the archaeological society who gave me 4 or 5. You'd never tell by looking at archaeologists how randy they are.

Clearly we were meant to have a lot of sex, I surmised, sighing, "Ah well, best foot forward..."
During the first year of my marriage, I had to pick up my brother from the airport, and on the way home stopped at the store to buy condoms and tampons. My brother was embarrassed. I just told him that your shopping needs changed a little once you got married. (And by the way, they were not meant for use at the same time - just to clarify)
I was living in the deepest darkest China lo many years ago and found myself running low on condoms. Not trusting the local offerings, I wrote a friend and asked her to send me some from the US.

I expected a small box and received a "family pack".
My wife and I , back in our prime bought the 7-pack condoms (using one pack a week) ... now ... we advanced to the 12-pack (January, February, March ...)
Imposter: It might not work if the man doesn't fancy you.

Mrs Pouncer: Have you never considered keeping a pack in your handbag, ma'am, just for appearance sake? As the Pope once said: "Be good: but if you can't be good, be careful."

Kevin: I hope you enjoyed having the rubber put on you.

Red Squirral: That's two questions and I'm not sure why the type of bag is important.

Goth: We have no interest in what they do in Singapore, Goth. Is sex even legal there?

Dr Zibbs: Is that what you think? If you ever visit the jungle we'll introduce you to Passion Fruit, who likes a bit of man-love. You'll be able to judge for yourself.

Sam: I suppose many freshers had few opportunities when living with their parents and are looking forward to some sort of orgy.

Native Minnow: Yes, condoms and tampons are enemies in a sense - like lions and hyenas.

Ms Dgny: I'm glad to hear that you maintained a healthy sex drive in that far-flung corner of the world. How long did that family pack last you?

Joe: Ah well, it's quality rather than quantity that matters.
I also remember the Femidom - about as useless as a Tesco's plastic bag it was, but even less sexy.
"Durex or Trojans?" worked for me back in the day -- as I coyly looked in my purse.

And I think something of that sort has been/is still marketed over here -- seem to recall a dainty little pullstring lace baggie for condoms while hitting random shopping sites.
"...mere possession does not imply intent to use..."

Hmm. Then why carry them?

I never do myself, and the occasion has never arisen (ahem) whereupon I regret such a non-rubbered stance for my handbag.

Despite my dark, depraved past, I cannot imagine any instance in which the need for such items would come up (ahem) because I don't plan on any sort of intimate shenanigans with a 'gentleman' whom I've only just met!

If I were in a relationship, such matters would be discussed before commencement of the game commonly known as 'hide the sausage'.

I am proud to say that I once had an insult thrown at me by a young ne'er-do-well; "It's like getting into Fort Knox, trying to get into your knickers!"

I took it as a compliment and walked off, nose in the air, chastity belt clanking.

The contents of my handbag are thusly: keys, mobile phone, purse and make-up.


Papercuts, nun-in-training.
forget the condoms, I just want the bag in the picture
I will have to go see Victor/Victoria. It sounds like its got a fascinating story line (among other things).
i had a son and foster son who both turned teens at around the same time...i kept condoms in the hallway and would just replace them as they got low...found out years later they gave them to the neighborhood boys as the birth control i used on them worked without the condoms...i just told them, every time you are with a young lady and in that sexual situation, remember you are making my grandchild :) Yes, i am that much of a bitch! however don't have any grandchildren and both boys are in their mid 20's :)
I don't recall Jesus ever asking his disciples that question, Mr Bananas?
How I miss those innocent days when condoms were simply used as carnal facilitation devices, rather than packaging material for drug mules.
Gadjo: It never quite caught on, did it?

Letty: I think you ought to stick to one brand. Durex or Trojan should be like Coke or Pepsi.

Ms Papercuts: The more women who carry them, the more respectable it will be, and therefore the more likely that girls who really ought to carry them will do so. The good girls (or iron-knickers if you prefer) would be doing their bit for public health.

Nursemyra: Really? I would have thought darker colours would go better with your hair.

Panu: I suggest you get the DVD. It was one of the great comedies of its time.

Daisy: Grandchildren or not, their self-control was admirable.

Can Bass: Her use of analogy reminded me of "Consider the lilies of the field" etc. Jesus would surely have been in the forefront of the campaign for safe sex.

Kyknoord: Don't they swallow the packed condoms? What a wicked world we live in.
As I finished reading this, I was shaking my head in admiration at your clever writing. Then I read the comments and shook my head at your clever put-down of Dr Zibbs. My head is well shaken.

I love that line about having to replace the past use-by numbers to avoid ridicule. I've got to go clean out my refrigerator now, but this essay will sustain me throughout my unpleasant chore.
I was recently in a chemist shop with my daughter. We were waiting for a prescription, but as we sat there, found ourselves facing the shelf full of condoms. I could see her reading the various packets - ones with tingle, ones with flavours, ones with ribbing. I expected a question when we got home, but thus far not a single enquiry on the matter. I'm sure she'll say something at some point though.

Excellent cooking sausages metaphor.
I think it crazy that women are not too embarrassed to sleep with strangers ,but to shy to buy or INSIST he use condoms.
I sometimes wonder about the environmental effect of condoms. I mean, are millions of them bobbing in the sea like so many sleeping bags for salmon? or what?
Is that woman holding a human extra-large or a gorilla extra-small condom?
i don't know if it was self control son told me a little over a year ago he had problems because every time he got to the "important point" he would see his mothers face...apparently i can scare away growing men as well as young children...
Cow thanks you for the laughs.

Would have loved to see that "smug little twerp" being put in his place.

You do me too much charity, Mr. B. I am the imbecile who misinterpreted the overture.
I have a tin of latex paint I bought by accident. That'll teach me to mix up B&Q and Boots.
Mary: Good luck with the fridge, Mary. I'm sure the squirrels will eat anything unfit for the dinner table.

Kitty: She may already know what they're for if she's had her sex education lessons.

Ms Ubermouth: Quite so. If you're going to light fireworks, put on the protective goggles.

Emma: I think they're recycled. A typical pencil eraser has made love to a women in a past life.

xl: Flattery will get you nowhere. I'm more interested in the look in the woman's eyes.

Daisy: It sounds as if they have an oedipal phobia rather than the standard complex.

Ms Cow: You're welcome, Ms Cow. Next time I'll take a camcorder with me.

Kevin: Did you think she was inviting you to test it for comfort? A strenuous job, but someone has to do it.

Lady Daphne: I'm sure it will be of use some day, perhaps when your chimney needs painting.
"Would you trust a sniper to give his victim a bullet-proof vest?” she replied."

Good point.
Snipers are particularly weird yet the army keeps recruiting them.

Many years ago when I was still sexually active, we were lying on my fab futon and she asked if she could put the condom on. Being the funniest man in the world, I said I didn't think it would fit her, but she was undeterred. After that she was always grabbing it and so forth.
"She likes to put them on her sausages to prevent the juices from escaping when she’s cooking them.”

I'm sure I saw that on Gary Rhodes's programme sometime.

Reminds me of Sir Frank of the Skinners's answer to the vexed question of what's worse than disengaging from a lady only to find the condom's missing:

"disengaging from the lady only to find the condom in place - when you weren't wearing one in the first place."

("Skinner, Live at The Lord Mayor's Banquet," 4AD discs, 1884)
LMAO. Now that's funny!

Sorry for not commenting before, Mr Bananas, but contraception is something of a sore subject with me at the moment :)

As you say, this lady certainly seems to be a woman well ahead of her times.

OMG Boyo, you have a new fan! And it's a lady BTW!

(And Dr Maroon, you ARE the funniest man in the world TBH).
Does everybody remember the first time they saw somebody put a condom over their head and inflate it by blowing? I reckon it's like remembering where you were when Kennedy was shot. (Though it's passe now, of course.)
Trish: Yes, her clever tongue left me almost speechless.

Dr Maroon: Is she now gone? In spite of her rapaciousness, I'm sure a part of you still misses her.

Mr Boyo: He who jokes women into bed deserves a trick in return.

Mrs Cake: Don't feel you have to comment if you're not in the mood, dear lady. You are surely always close in spirit.

Mrs Pouncer: Glad to see you're still around, ma'am.

Gadjo: Sir, I have seen no such thing except perhaps in a nightmare. Confound the performers of such abominable acts.
Condoms? Pah!

If anything is going to go between my proud Lord Palmerston and a woman, then it shall be another woman or nothing at all.
I've never seen the condom on the head trick, which I suspect is as mythical as the Kennedy Assassination itself.
Ah for the dear dead days when one could live a fully satisfying romantic life without the use of those passion killers. It involves a bit of research before jumping into bed and taking responsibility for one's own safety. I know I know - not really possible these days. More's the pity.
Mr B , I have been experimenting with the rythm method , but find it cumbersome carting my maracca's around in my rucksack. Rattling ones tambourine often spoils the moment do you have any suggestions or is syncopated sex not all the pope promises ??
Lord Likely: Could any condom survive his lordship's vigorous pumping?

Mr Boyo: Perhaps Gadjo has confused a dream with a youthful memory. Often happens, I'm told.

Pi: Yes, that's the problem with modern women. They've lost their appetite for pre-coital research.

Beast: You need to find someone else to beat the drum, Beast. You can't possibly keep time while engaged in hanky panky. I believe Charlie Watts provided the rhythm for Mick Jagger and Ms Faithful.
Unlike most condom-related recollections from my earlier days, I suspect that one wasn't a dream!

Charlie Watts would have been an excellent choice: one needs an accompanist who can extemporise. It might be tempting to employ a string quartet - to show your lady that you're a class act - or a brass band - to help her achieve a sense of awe - but then you're just dancing to somebody else's tune.
“'Would you trust a sniper to give his victim a bullet-proof vest?' she replied."

Exactly why I keep one in my purse.
My dad was a civil engineer, and used unlubricated condoms to preserve soil samples for lab analysis. He tells the story of sending the office junior to buy a bumper box of condoms from the local chemists, using them on site, finding they were one short, and sending the boy back the next day to complain. 'I do hope it didn't spoil your enjoyment, sir' was the pharmacist's reply. I hope that story's true!

Gadjo - you are not imagining it, for I saw it, too. Mr Pouncer, whose memory is sharp and uncluttered, says it was on the TV programme The Tube with the late Mrs Geldof in about 1980. He feels we only had 2 children at the time, so can date it accurately. He also recalls seeing a man inflating a hot-water bottle to the size of a bolster, possibly on the same show. And Gadjo.... watch those apostrophes.
Please thank your dear husband for confirming this, Mrs Pouncer! I bet he also had a bit of experience with such japes in the officers' mess with Monty, eh?

I'm sure you're right about the apostrophes, ma'am, but could you do us a service by pointing out those offensive ones? Was it Tesco's? I believe that's a correct use of the ablative...Tescos, Tescum, Tesco, Tescari. ;-)
On a point of information the condoms in the Sainsburys Value Range are of varied size, the largest would embarrass a horse the smallest might attract a sado-masochist.
Why does Ari keep a sniper in her purse?
Gadjo: I get the feeling that men and women might have quite different musical tastes in that situation.

Ms Ari: Hat's off to you, ma'am, you're an example to your sex!

The dotterel: "Spoiled your enjoyment" was not quite the right phrase. "Left you feeling mean" would have been more apt.

Mrs Pouncer: If two witnesses saw the same incident, I am happy to accept it as proof that it wasn't an event in a dream.

Mutley: It shows what a variety of customers these supermarket chains attract.

Kevin: Perhaps it's an Action Man toy to give to a nephew.
It's best to be prepared! Some men can be ignorant and lazy when condoms aren't handy. Women are always more responsible.
It is quite embarrassing buying condoms -- but I assume all the college kids get them from school for a clinic, for free.
At my school, outside of the Student Healthy Centre, there's a bucket full of rubbers. It's usually empty by the end of the day.
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