Wednesday, July 02, 2008

I'd like to buy the world a Coke

“Oo torcher to play the drums?” asked a cheeky girl from Essex the other day.

I knew instantly that she was referring to the
TV commercial in which a gorilla does the stick-work in a famous pop song.

“You have mistaken me for another ape,” I answered curtly. “My forte lies in wind rather than percussion.”

“Ha-ha, I bet it does!” she exclaimed, chuckling hoarsely.

“If you inhaled my wind instead of cigarette smoke your voice might be rather less rasping.” I said with a smirk.

She reacted to this kindly advice by sticking out her tongue. I responded by sticking out my own tongue. One must be robust when sparring with the chav.

I wouldn’t have been the Cadbury’s gorilla even if I had been a virtuoso drummer –
their chocolate is frankly B-grade. But I did once apply for a role in an advertisement for Levi Strauss & Co. It was the one where an affected young man swaggers into a laundrette and stuffs his jeans into a washing machine. I wasn’t interested in his part, of course – a gorilla would never encase his loins in anything so tight. No, I wanted to play the character who sits next to the boy as he peruses a periodical in his boxer shorts.

So Dr Whipsnade arranged a meeting with the Levi Strauss bigwigs. I told them that if they really wanted to be cutting edge they should have me in the commercial instead of the constipated fat man who turns to stare at the lad after he sits down. I said I’d give the boy the famous “your mamma’s in my harem” glare of the male gorilla. It would be a sight to make the pantless jean-aspiring demographic gasp in awe.

“An intriguing idea, Mr Bananas,” said the biggest of the bigwigs. “But why would a gorilla be in a laundrette?”

Thinking on my hands and feet, I said: “I could enter wearing my circus pantaloons and put them in the next-door machine.”

The man sucked on his pen. “Leave it with us,” he said. “We’ll discuss it with our creative people.”

They later wrote to say that my proposal had been vetoed on the grounds that it would “make a mockery” of the Levi's brand, which shows how much those punks know.

Those who hope to see me in a TV commercial may yet be indulged. No less a concern than The Coca-Cola Company has asked me to star in a film promoting their caffeinated pop. Unfortunately, the script they sent me was utterly daft. It has a gorilla accepting a bunch of bananas from a thirsty man and handing him a bottle of Coke in return. We gorillas rarely barter with humans and never ask for bananas when we do. Why pay for fruit that we can pluck for free?

So I’ve sent them my own idea, which I think you’ll agree is a pippin. It's basically a remake of the
most famous Coke advert of all – the one where pretty young humans of all races congregate on a hill and sing in perfect harmony. The symbolism was powerful but the idealism was unrealistic. Anyone knows that bringing feuding tribes together requires a mediator: a disinterested party, that is to say, who allays mutual suspicions by acting as an honest broker. This is the role I would assume, first playing the opening bars of the tune on my recorder (in close-up), then conducting the motley choir in the vocals. In essence, I would replace the blond American virgin who sang the first line of the song in the original.

They are currently evaluating my proposal, no doubt testing it with focus groups and estimating its likely impact on cola drinkers in every market segment. You don’t rush into a ground-breaking advertising campaign when you’re promoting a brand as big as Coca-Cola. The good news is that they’ve recently appointed a new head of advertising who is both homosexual and a fan of the circus. I believe he saw me perform in San Francisco. You can always trust the gays to give a fair hearing to revolutionary concepts in art.

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Why would you want to promote an aerated drink that contains too much sugar and caffeine? Aren't gorillas health-conscious?

Your Levi commercial would've been an improvement on the original. Especially if you stuffed the preening idiot in the washing machine too.

That'll teach him to put stones in there as well. Ever tried to get gravel out of a washing machine filter?

Mind you, my friend Trev repairs washing machines for a living - said that was the most lucrative summer of his life....
You think she was a virgin?
I agree with Red Squirrel: too bad they didn't hire you to load that poppinjay right into the machine. I'd have enjoyed the commercial all the more if they had.

And even when I was young and foolish, I thought that Coke thing was nonsense. Everyone looked so wholesome-toothed and healthy, and presumably they were all big cola drinkers. It would have been far more realistic to include a few people with rotten teeth.
Gorillas should advertise things that are uplifting but muscular.

Have you considered dropping leaves next to the double-glazing in a pub on the North York Moors?
Wasn't there a Visa advert with a monkey (a chimp, I think) trading bananas for a woman's stuff? I never got it.

I don't think you should be in an advert. I expect it would only make you more popular and put undue strain on your blogging time.
I'd like to buy the world a clue -- but I'm sure the world would fire right back with "We'd like to buy that girl a muzzle."
Was the Essex girl flirting with you, Go. B.? Difficult to say without more information. This post needs one of your famous pictures, really. But not the recent one of the chap in the red hat waiting for his bride under the chuppah.
Oh dear. I knew the New Seekers song well but this is the first time I've seen the actual Coke advert. To paraphrase Will Self, I don't think I've felt so crassly psychologically manipulated since I watched Leni Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will. Don't do it, Bananas!
Sidhu: Regrettably, it's a lot healthier than water in many parts of the world.

Red Squirrel: Ah, so they were stones - I thought they might have been some sort of spice to preserve his meat and two veg.

Dotterel: Do yo have information to the contrary?

Mary: Yes, perhaps the advert should have been for Diet Coke. I wonder what became of the Levi's boy?

Kevin: To show it's impenetrable to wind? Why not hire an elephant to fart on it and have a character from Coronation Street on the other side?

Ms Dgny: I never saw that ad, but it sounds silly. Chimps are strictly cash-in-hand merchants. How nice of you to show such concern for my workload.

Letty: I'd never let anyone muzzle you, Letty. Your prating is always a delight.

Inspot: If she was flirting, she should learn how to pout rather than sticking out her tongue. I've not seen the chuppah picture. Do bridegrooms really wear red hats on such occasions? It seems like an odd way of enabling the bride to recognise him.

Gadjo: Haha, well maybe I'll have to reconsider now that you've compared it with Nazi propaganda. My feeling was that putting a gorilla at centre stage would temper the excessive schmaltz.
I would be able to take adverts a bit more seriously if they were more about artistic expression and less about trying to convince people to buy something they don't need.
Can I just cut through the flim-flam with this pertinent comment from the late Mr Hicks who, strangely, my dear old father never met: "Do a commercial and you're off the artistic roll call; everything you say is suspect. You're a corporate whore. End of story".

Off to Wimbers. What price Mr Murray now, eh? Cordially as ever etc
mary witzl.

Unfortunately there were many of that generation who have tried to make that "sing in harmony" coke ad a reality..........hence the living hell we're in at the moment.
Sometimes I really wonder where you get your inspiration from Mr Gorilla B.

Is there a subliminal message here, because suddenly I feel like a Coke.
Oh my - a trip down memory lane here today, Mr Bananas. The Nick Kaman ad - I remember it well. Stonewashed Levis though - gosh what a shock :-O Who knew they ever produced anything so tasteless?

I'm interested to hear that you have a recorder. Is it a descant, a treble or a tenor? Perhaps you and the Cadbury's chap (the one on the drums) could form a duo?

Not exactly Keith Moon is he, that gorilla? Now if you want to see an animal that CAN plays the drums, check this out.
Kyknoord: Are they supposed to be taken seriously? I view them simply as light entertainment.

Mrs Poucner: Given that many artists have used advertisements as a valuable source of income, I would say that Mr Hicks is being unduly austere. I also detect a hint of envy in his pronouncment.

Karl Poppper: Are you really living in hell? I wouldn't have imagined that a philosopher of your standing would suffer such a fate.

Clea: I am inspired by my simple life and generous readers. Make sure the Coke is chilled close to freezing.

Kitty: I play the alto, the descant is for schoolchildren. I like duets, but not with that hairy poseur.

Lady Daphne: Was Keith Moon a particularly good drummer? The muppet fellow can do the moves, but he doesn't appear to be making much contact with the drum.
I may be from Essex but Im not a cheeky girl, honest! And my diction is far more precise. I have recently discovered Green & Black's dark chocolate with ginger pieces. Now that really is worth a drum fanfare Mr Bananas x
I always thought it presumptuous of Coke to think it could effectuate world peace as opposed to merely loud belches.
....the road to hell is paved with good intentions..grasshopper.
Sorry, I meant the picture at the end of your last post, on Italian events. He looks a bit grumpy for someone about to be married.
That photo looks nothing like you.
The milky bar gorilla would have been a magnificent idea or you could have been in the one where a lady sniffs underwear to test it for freshness - or that one with the Shake and Vac... Can you sing at all?

Whatever you do - do not lend your good name to any financial services.. imagine the shame of being the face of Northern Rock...
Take the money and run when the next script arrives. Think of the gadgets you could buy if that sort of them appeals to you at all?
You should use your natural assets, Nanas. Your hair, maybe. Get dandruff, then have them wash half your body in Head and Shoulders and the other half in the leading dandruff-shampoo competitor.

Or your size. You could demostrate how surprisingly roomy the interior is of a Ford Focus.
Mrs Cake: Mmm, that sounds tasty! Be careful though, I believe it's an aphrodisiac.

Randall: Yes, the belches are achievement enough for one corporation.

Karl Popper: Not bad, but I prefer your work on the falsifiability criterion.

Inkspot: Ah yes, that was a deeply unsexy picture. I must snap a few Essex girls for my collection.

Mum: Whose mother are you, ma'am?

Mutley: These are very minor products really. I might have considered the old 'Milk Tray' ads though. I'm very good at rope climbing.

Wankslipper: A popcorn machine would be great, although in truth I can already afford one. The money is less important to me than artistic merit.

Sam: I have mites rather than dandruff, Sam. I suppose I could test an insecticide, but what a waste of nibbles that would be. The car idea is interesting, but I'm really looking for something involving climbing or playing the recorder.
I think you'd have been best as the hero of the Milk Tray adverts, swinging into Alpine castle windows and inviting the ladies in question to consider your offerings.
Well, I' glad "to talk excessively and pointlessly" is a delight to you ;)

Yes, is my friend.
.... oops, typo -- there's a reason I have that CSU Board of Trustees disclaimer on my profile.
What is so revolutionary about shoving a shuttlcock into one's lacklustre underwear?

I mean, Wham - bam - thankyou man. It's not very Jean Genie is it?

On the bright side, I believe your sister Serena is playing in the final of The Wombles again
Oh, it's not concern for your workload, GB, it's my own entertainment I'm worried about. Already I've noticed you've been a bit of a Slack Alice this summer. I'm going to have to turn to Hollywood soon.
You be careful, Japers. The left footer may only be interested in finding out if it's true what they say about big black studs.
"Whose mother are you ma'am?"

Your response to mine seems uncharacteristically peevish. What is this "valuable source of income"that you seem to believe these people need? Do you honestly think that Miss French, Mr Laurie and the man who plays Baldrick are really worried about where the next meal is coming from? And don't give me that "they need to do this to subsidise ill-paid theatre work" nonsense either. Also, your spelling of my name is a trifle approximate. Cordially etc
Mr Boyo: Yes indeed, I have climbing and swinging skills in abundance. I prefer dark cholocates though.

Letty: Does it really mean that? I certainly didn't want to imply your words were pointless. They are as pointy as a freshly-sharpened pencil!

Spanish Goth: I think you must have read someone else's post and commented here by accident. It happens to the best of us.

Ms Dgny: Dear lady, my posts are as regular as clockwork. I can only assume your expectations have grown over time.

Ulaca: Left footers? I thought that was a term for Roman Catholics.

Mum: An only child is he? Have we met before, ma'am?

Mrs Pouncer: I do apologise for mis-spelling your name and seeming peevish. I was thinking of less famous actors, but even the better known ones are in a precarious profession. They should make as much as they can while they command the fickle approval of the public. In my view, appearing in funny ads is better Mr Caine's strategy of starring in sequels to The Poseidon Adventure.
I didn't realise you went by Gorilla Time! How very cheeky of me. I shall endeavour not to raise expectations - it's a flaw of mine!
""your mamma’s in my harem" glare"

Cow thinks this is the most useful thing she's ever heard of, and wants one herself.

Alas, she can't quite get the knack of it (Cow twisting her Topiary into knots) Apparently only GB can execute this...

"I'm really looking for something involving climbing or playing the recorder."

Here's a thought. How about starring in a mattress commercial ... you can climb into bed and turn on the VCR and show how comfortable you are.

What??? Wrong type of recorder??? ... sorry ... nevermind!
I have a mother?

They told me I was raised by voles.
you know, i was just telling someone the other day that i bet you do the BEST blond American virgin impression. looking foward to it.
I can't imagine your singing voice How about it? We have the technology.
Ms Dgny: We try and do things at a leisurely pace in the jungle, ma'am. It saves energy.

Ms Cow: The look is one of amused contempt. Think the right thoughts before trying it.

Joe: I prefer a hammock, but a part that easy would be hard to turn down.

Kevin: For all we know she is a vole.

Kara: Is your impression any better than mine, Missy? Let's have a competition.

Pi: I don't have the technology, so you'll have to imagine Pavarotti.
if you can get a group of people together in today's day and age and say "i'd like to buy the world" anything i would applaud
Kev, it's mum, I recognise you from the photo. They told me you were a merchant banker, and from the look of you I can see that this is the case.

It's true that you were raised by voles, but you have a bit of Yorkshire in you too, so be careful what you say, we don't want that getting around.

Bad news, dad died by having his habitat destroyed. He loved that shop and never really took to IKEA (f*****s).

BTW. We are allowed letters and the occasional parcel here, so I would be glad to hear from you.

Luv mum xxxxx
My God Mr G.B. this is solid gold! By this time next year we shall be millionaires! I say we because I feel I could be a very useful adjunct (word of the week) to your endevours in this field. Is your name Kevin by the way? Look, never mind that. The point is I remember all these adverts too, and with your cleverness, we could recycle back to all the young turks in ad land who weren't even BORN first time round. Spot on about the gays by the way. They've got two Freddy Mercury types snogging in the salad creme advert now! Filthy devils! But if it shifts the product...An unkind thought has just entered my head, I take it the gays use it on their ham and lettuce and not for anything else. Look, sorry about that, we must keep focused.
In lieu of the deal can I offer you an endorsement slot over at the Misssives. Simpsons-like I'd just like pic of you with the slogan, "I heartily endorse this event/product. Yours, Gorilla Bananas".

We could come to an arrangement fee-wise.
Daisy: A generous attitude which does you credit.

Mum: Fie, you impostor, I know who you are! Impersonating previous commenters is not allowed here. I'll let you off with a warning this time.

Dr Maroon: I know you like reading the comments, Dr, but don't get distracted by all the Mums, Kevins and voles. They're playing their own devious game. I knew you'd remember those ads - I see you in the director's chair with a gay assistant whispering suggestions into your ear. Maybe you'd give yourself the odd cameo like Hitchcock used to do.

Misssy: I'd do it free for you, gorgeous.
What does any of this mean? I have been drinking Cuvee R Lalou at Henley since 12 noon and time doesn't seem to be of the essence. Greetings fromthe Thames Valley as always etc
Henley, Mrs Pouncer? Do they still do all that? I'd have thought they could have fitted outboard motors by now. It's 2008after all.
Dear Dr Maroon, I know that you are ragging me, but there is plenty at Henley to divert you young people, you know. Only this afternoon, I saw an enormous Wykehamist put 27 boiled sweets into his mouth at the same time; he was cheered to the echo by his schoolmates.
Truly the athleticism of the rowers is remarkable, coxless or not. But it is our nation's shame that so little of the talent is home-grown. A bit like Wimbledon and Ascot, and probably everything else.
I would pay good money to see my 2 favourites and the coke! :p
One day I'll buy you a Coke, Saby, so you'll get both free.
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