Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Beard of Britain

I’ve been busy making preparations for Richard Branson’s visit to the Congo. He’ll obviously get red carpet treatment at the airport with handshakes from local dignitaries and smooches from their wives. I hope he remembers to squeeze their buns when they embrace him (a local custom) – a peck on the cheek should do for the wives. I’ve arranged an elephant fanfare by bribing the local herd with a sack of chick peas from the safari camp. Fingers crossed that the 10-trumpet salute won’t be emitted from their backsides, leading to embarrassing pictures of the guest of honour screwing up his nose.

If you’ve been following the news, you’ll know that Sir Richard is coming to our part of the world to hand over five baby gorillas. The soft-hearted plutocrat bought them from a zoo to save them from a life of arse-scratching in front of countless gawking humans. Having been asked to find new homes for the little apelings, I decided to place them with respectable families in Gabon. Frankly, the female gorillas in our locality aren’t as maternal as they used to be – a lot of them hire female chimps as nannies so they can enjoy hectic social lives with weekend trips to the nut orchards and gibbon ranches.

Richard and I go back a long way. We met after he saw me perform in the circus many moons ago. I don’t want you to think he got special treatment. No Sir, he had to queue up and wait his turn like the rest of my fans. As most of them were women he was actually in his element, flashing his famous grin and flirting like a gigolo. He even signed a few autographs himself, the cheeky blighter! When we finally got to exchange words he was amazingly affable and polite, so I invited him to my trailer for a glass of mango juice. (He obviously knew it wasn’t a gay thing – very few gorillas are interested in man-love).

So we met a little later and he told me of his plans to start a new airline. As his business interests were then limited to music and contraceptives, I found this mildly intriguing. He explained that Virgin Atlantic would be a new passenger-friendly carrier with innovative on-flight services and customer-participation in all facets of the journey. He said that he’d travel on the planes himself so he could experience things from the punter’s point of view and listen to their gripes. I must admit being hugely impressed by this attitude. You couldn’t have imagined Lord Wankface of British Airways slumming it with the cabin livestock and walking down the aisle for a slash.

“Richard,” I said, “it sounds like a brilliant idea, but I wouldn’t overdo the customer-participation aspect. People don’t really want to make important decisions when they’re 30,000 feet above sea level. Let the passengers choose what film to watch and leave the flying and the navigation to the pilot. Don’t forget that you’re Virgin by nature as well as by name.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah GB, you’re right,” he agreed. “You’ve got to delegate duties in an aeroplane, it’s not like piloting a hot-air balloon.”

It was odd that he mentioned balloons, but I chose to let it pass.

Now I’m aware that a lot of people deride Richard as a show-off and self-publicist, needlessly mocking his beard for good measure. That’s because they haven’t the faintest idea of what it’s like to be an over-achiever. Imagine having fulfilled all your dreams before the age of 40 – more money than the Sultan of Brunei; more beautiful bedmates than you can remember under hypnosis; a face as recognisable as Paris Hilton’s and almost as pretty. Success on that scale would destroy your sense of mission. That’s why Richard continually has to prove himself by taking on new challenges, like preventing irreversible climate change and persuading Mugabe to throw in the towel. He may not succeed, but who else would be tackling these pressing problems if he ignored them?

Respect the man who aims high, for the man who aims low is sniffing chicken-shit. (Colonel Sanders).

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"more money than the Sultan of Brunei; beautiful bedmates; a face as recognisable as Paris Hilton’s and almost as pretty."

Why, GB is also describing himself!

Mr. Branson also supports

A remarkable resemblence between the two. Is Sir Richard really Colonel Sanders long lost son? Hmmmm......
Squeezing buns on first meeting? What a wonderful custom - such a shame we Brits don't adopt a more 'hands on' approach sometimes, don't you think?

I saw Mr Branson being interviewed once. I can't remember the details, but his childhood contained incidents that I found quite shocking at the time. He always seems a friendly, sensible sort - no wonder you offered him your mango juice. :-p

If his baby gorilla delivery service is anything like his trains you'll be the happy recipient of octagenarians.
Are the baby gorilla re-locations connected to those paternity suits that were settled out of court?
I'll admit it: I've always had a tiny crush on Sir Richard AND I think the beard makes him look distinguished.
I read as much of that article on Sir Richard as I could bear, but finally felt that the rest of my life was too precious to spare even another 45 seconds. Still, if he manages to shift Mugabe from his seat, I'll come back and read that article right through to the end. Twice.
why don't male gorillas ever seek male gorilla lovin'? i'd think with those long arms...well.

i don't know who sir richard is. should i?
"Handshakes from local dignitaries and smooches from their wives". You need to use your clout to do something about the sexism endemic in your jungle, GB. Otherwise, back to the zoo, I fear!
I've never understood the hype about virgins.
Think back, DG, think back.
Ms Cow: You flatter me, Ms Cow. But I like it!

Sidhu: He was first on the list of supporters as well.

Red Squirrel: The colonel must have sprinkled his herbs and spices over the marital bed on the night Richard was conceived.

Kitty: I'll remember you like our bun-squeezing custom! I think his parents left him somewhere to see if he could find his way back home when he was 9.

Kevin: Are people still complaining about his trains? I thought he'd done a mea culpa on that ages ago.

xl: Mine or Richard's? Their fathers got off lightly, whoever they were.

Trish: You wouldn't be the first, Trish! I'm sure he'd really like you.

Mary: Did you get the feeling he might be a little bored?

Kara: Man-love isn't the same thing as gorilla-love, Missy. You might discover that yourself when they cast you in the next King Kong movie.

Ulaca: Big man culture is rife in Africa. Male gorillas are far less sexist than men over here.

Ms Dgny: Perhaps it's a mental state as well as a physical one.
I dont know which is worse
Man Love with Mr Branson or Trish getting all hot round the gusset for the blighter
Its all too much for a white boy !and will probably cause me mental health issues for the rest of the week
I have more respect for the man who aims for the torso.
When I read "beard" I assumed you meant the latest female arm candy for Mr. Branson to disguise his furtive love of the twinks ... yes, my gossip site addiction has flared up again; I'm adopting the lingo.
"music and contraceptives"

I knew a Lutheran Missionary who met a tribe in Central America whose form of greeting consisted of squeezing each others' genitals. He told me, that's where they would always post the new guy.

A similar manoeuvre occurs during the admission of new choristers in the Church of England. And I, too, have a beard.
Ive always liked Richard Branson.

But I hated his Mates!
"...a peck on the cheek should do for the wives." Lovely biscuits Mr Gorilla Bananas. It caught me.
Not only,...but also, you do have a superb eye for a photo. That picture of Beardy says it all. He looks a bit of a prat and yet my jealousy is complete. I'm sure he and Bobby Mugabe will get on like a house on fire. DRC is having a tough time just now so hat's off to him for his useful gesture.
Beast: You've got to let go of your envy, Beast. It will eat your soul.

Kyknoord: So you're a rugby player then?

Letty: Trophy chicks are now called "beards"? I really had no idea.

Nursemyra: He may have had fingers in other pies, I'm not entirely sure.

Randall: That greeting was copied by Borat, as I recall.

Can Bass 1: Are you referring to bun-squeezing? I suggest you shave your beard and splash holy water on your face.

Mrs Cake: Yes, you're not one to compromise on the jam-in-doughnut experience!

Dr Maroon: I think his prattishness is the saving grace really. You can console yourself with the thought that he's not enjoying himself as much as you would in his position.
"...very few gorillas are interested in man-love," you say?
By this do you mean to say that a few gorillas ARE interested in man-love? (I do hope you are speaking of the females of your species, GB.)

By the way; have you ever witnessed a man being "loved" by a gorilla? (by a female gorilla, I hope.)
I like Sir Richard, prattiness notwithstanding. I wish he's cut his hair though. He looks like someone from Howard's Way.

US Airways has just announced it's removing its inflight entertainment system to save on fuel costs. Also almost all of the airlines are now charging for all baggage. They've taken the pillows and blankets off to save weight and will no longer be serving any food on domestic services. I can see why they have to do it - US carriers are in big trouble - even the main ones. I haven't heard of European airlines having to do any of that yet though. I think they're still in better shape over there.
"A life of arse-scratching in front of countless gawking humans".

Does that mean Sir Branston will next turn his charitable attention to the inmates of the "Big Brother" house?

I think the Animal Kingdom should have some say as to where he intends to free the plumed, pierced, shrieking cockbells held therein.
He does have lovely tresses.
Speaking of his hair, I feel he's always looked like a 1970s porn impresario. Appropriate, I suppose, as he based his empire on choosing the then-provocative name Virgin, which you have to say has served him well.
credit to branson, who ballooning aside, has done very well for himself. that's a good colonel sanders quote :-)
Anonymous: There is only one male gorilla in the Congo who has a taste for men (and male chimps). We call him "Passion Fruit". Females are a different story, they treat men like sex toys to be groped at will.

Sam: I wonder if more people will start travelling by train in the US? How much is a return ticket from LA to New York?

Mr Boyo: Those sorry humans are past saving. Does Mrs Boyo really allow you to watch such programmes?

Ms Ari: I assume you mean Sir Richard rather than Colonel Sanders. Both, I'm sure, have an eye for the ladies.

Gadjo: English soft porn of that era was dominated by Robin Askwith's cheeky face and white buttocks. Richard had the hair but not the required facial expressions.

Globus: Credit to him indeed. I'm sure you'd rather have his women than his money.
I’ve arranged an elephant fanfare by bribing the local herd with a sack of chick peas.
Be very careful with elephants. A charging elephant can cause a lot of damage. So you may ask ... How do you keep an elephant from charging? Well I'll tell you ... You take away his credit cards.
Did the respectable Colonel really say that GB????

Oh and i think Sir Richard totally rocks! What an inspiration!

Of course i would love a chance to be one of his *cough* "friends" *cough* if only to get on his gorgeous island!
Mr Branson is an old friend of mine .. there is a statue of him in the town square a mere few hundred yards jungle ride from my house.
It isn't a statue, mutley, it's the real thing. You can tell by the turn-ups.
Sorry if he's a pal but his persistent manhandling of young girls is a bit creepy at his age.
I was unaware that anyone derided Branson. He is one of those totally innocuous cuddly people who wear ugly sweaters like Noel Edmonds who one cannot really like or dislike. I simply can't see how anyone can be sexy with a beard. Apart from maybe Sean Connery.
I believe that Robin Askwith was indeed the face (or, more accurately, as you point out) the buttocks of 1970s English porn, but I was thinking more of the guys behind the scenes making all the money - Paul Raymond, etc - who always seem to have unneccesary facial hair.

Which town do you live in, Mutley?? I wanna see this.
Joe: Badoom tish! I think you'd bring the house down in the Blackpool Hippodrome.

Sabrina: Sir Richard would just love you, Saby. But you'd have to act a little vulnerable to tug his heartstrings.

Mutley: I never knew you lived in Brazzaville.

Kevin: You've got to have a trained eye to notice that.

Pi: Young girls? They all look over 21 to me.

Emma: Some women like clean-shaven pretty boys, others fancied Oliver Reed in The Three Musketeers.

Gadjo: Wasn't he the man who overcharged customers for the weakest material in Europe?
colonel sanders was correct and when you are tired of smelling chicken shit you change your position...

Sut dich chi, boyo?
Colonel Sanders: Just move it a bit more to the north my dear, and you get the chickens neck.
It looks like that woman in the photo has a passport in her shirt pocket.

Me, if I'm travelling to a foreign country, I'm avoiding fast food chains.

Unless, of course, it was Kentucky Fried Souvlaki.
Daisy: The colonel was wiser than Brer Rabbit.

Imposter: You're impugning a southern gentleman, Sir!

Chris: Hmm. So the colonel would say: "Is that a passport in your pocket or is your left boob bigger than your right one."
Yhey are young to me dear.
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