Monday, May 26, 2008

Troubled souls

Got a call from the director of Los Angeles Zoo the other day. Apparently they’ve been having a few problems with an orang-utan called Bruno. He recently broke out of his enclosure, perhaps hoping to give visitors his business card. It didn’t happen because the staff promptly evacuated the humans, a precaution which must have saved several fat-arsed ladies from a thorough goosing. The agitated ape was then sedated and carried back to his quarters.

The zoo director wanted me to fly over and talk to the ginger-haired upstart, soothing his anxieties with a few carefully chosen grunts. I said I had too many commitments at home, what with the baboon-chasing season starting next week. I did mention that part of the problem might be calling him ‘Bruno’, which is the perfect name for big shaggy dog. Any primate lumbered with it has a valid excuse for feeling a bit tetchy. I offered to send them an audiotape which they could play to the orang-utan while he was resting. Few can withstand the suggestive power of the deep Bananas voice.

You’re probably wondering how they knew to contact me. Well, the fact is I acquired quite a reputation for counselling in my circus days. It was my handling of the suicide attempt of a clown that won me international acclaim. His gay lover had eloped with a Latin dance instructor and sent him a letter of renunciation. Distraught at being so callously dumped, he climbed the trapeze rigging and positioned himself for what we circus types call “a free-fall spectacle”. In the conspicuous absence of other volunteers, I went up after him.

“Don’t come nearer GB or I’ll jump!” he bleated tearfully.

“For God’s sake Horace, you’re not high enough to kill yourself!” I exclaimed. “You’ll break your bones and end up in hospital. The ringmaster will visit you every week just to call you a prick!”

“I’ll dive headfirst,” he replied, gazing giddily at the ground.

“It still looks iffy,” I advised. “Look Horace, no one can stop you killing yourself if you’ve set your heart on it. All I’m saying is don’t rush into a decision you might later regret.”

“What have I got to live for?” he wailed.

“Well, for one thing Falcon Crest is on this evening.”

I knew I had him there. It was his favourite TV show, and like most gay men he idolised Jane Wyman while having major hots for Lorenzo Lamas. Seeing doubts creep into his face, I decided to make a tactical withdrawal.

“I’m going down now, Horace.” I said. “Why not watch tonight’s episode and sleep on the suicide thing? There’ll be plenty of opportunities to do it right later. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you to plan your death properly.”

Later that evening, I joined the circus staff watching Falcon Crest on a communal TV set. Horace was there and I sat next to him, taking care not to show exaggerated concern for his emotional state. I chuckled at Jane Wyman’s lines to remind him of what he would have missed if he’d pinged himself. I didn’t wolf-whistle at Lorenzo Lamas though – one has one’s limits. He later agreed it would be silly to commit suicide before the current series ended, by which time, of course, he’d found himself a new beau.

This successful course of therapy led me to formulate the Bananas prescription for mental health: live in the present and savour your favourite TV show. As a famous economist once said, in the long run we’re all fucked.

Labels: , ,

That's it! I knew there was a reason the Simpsons was still running.
Thank goodness you were there Mr B - a splattered Horace would NOT have been pleasant for the ring-cleaners to clear up. I'll wager this could be the one and only time someone has slipped Jane Wyman into a conversation in order to save a life.

I agree that Bruno is a silly name for an Orang Utan. He must feel so ... emasculated. Lorenzo might be a much worthier name?

Those arched eyebrows betray the presence of someone in the studio even funnier than her ex. Were you cavorting about doing your best "Fellow Americans I've just outlawed Russia" impression?
I have it on good authority that Bruno broke out because he got an unexpected audition call on his cell phone, but the zoo keepers refused to let him out. Couple that with another one of his screenplay submissions getting lost in the zoo mailroom last week, and poor Bruno is entirely justified.
oh my...In my rush to share what the locals have to say here in SoCal, I didn't finish reading your I have:

“For God’s sake Horace, you’re not high enough to kill yourself!” I exclaimed. “You’ll break your bones and end up in hospital. The ringmaster will visit you every week just to call you a prick!”

For this paragraph alone you should have a syndicated column!
& the end is simply spectacular in its simplicity :) going now to quote it on my blog, thank you <3
Haha, GB, you're such a great writer. I hope one day, I can write as humorously as you.
I think it's great that you're a shrink in your spare time. You're a loving ape -- and we need more loving people in our world.
I believe Falcon Crest was on before my time, but I'm sure it's a show that resembles Beverly Hills 90210 or Melrose Place...shows that were also before my time.
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Why Miss Letty, I am honoured! Have a wonderful Memorial Day and give the chihuahuas a pat for me.


awwwww MUAH! I will -- hope they're not already in that chihuahua inferiority complex nipping stage@ good night from PS <3
GB, you surely are a guru. Who else could have soothed a troubled soul with the words "Falcon Crest"?
mmm.... shoulder pads. wonder why they ever went out of fashion?

Mr Guru: That's either a very deep remark or you've confused 'Homer' with 'Horace'.

Kitty: Yes, one of the worst things about dying is the mess you leave behind. I'd like to be atomised into my elements.

Ulaca: Apparently she used to pester him with phonecalls when he was in the White House. He wrote her a rude letter.

Letty: Kisses back to you, Letty. I hope you'll find some time to visit Bruno.

Secret Agent: Thank you, young Sir! Falcon Crest was a soap Opera like Dallas, but not as good.

Joanne: Well, you've got to pick the right words for the right person. I wonder what your words are?

Nursemyra: The 'American footballer look' didn't last long, did it?
No words are needed for me, sir. Just wave a bar of chocolate if I'm caught trying to jump off a bridge.
'Few can withstand the suggestive power of the deep Bananas voice.'

Don't tease! Do a You tube thingy. Please.
So chuffed to hear Mr Bananas that you're good for a bit of Samaritan volunteering. I'll be sure to remember that next time I'm scaling my fridge freezer after watching yet another bloody episode of that Strictly Come Dancing! Bring back JR - all is forgiven, and what's wrong with the 'shoulder pad' look anyhow - thought it was rather fab! I'm sure I've got some of those sticky ones you parked under your shirt somewhere!! :) x
" the long run we're all fucked."

You mean to say that if I run a marathon I've got a good chance of being laid? That'll be the first time for 15 years!

Thanks for the info.
Good for you, being able to do this sort of thing. I picture you sounding a bit like a British version of Garrison Keillor.

It's not the TV that keeps me going, it's the library, French roast coffee, and the thought of the poor person who gets the job of cleaning up after me. Nobody gets the job of cleaning up after their own demise.

Jane Wyman, a multiple divorcee, got buried in a nun's habit. Pretty amazing, isn't it?
Joanne: I will remember your fondness for chocolate. Your new profile picture still has that stern "come hither" look.

Pi: Just imagine you're hearing the voice of Brian Blessed.

Mzungu Chick: Did you like JR, Miss Chick? He was a terrible cad, but he did have an eye for the ladies.

Jonesy: Pop a Viagra pill one hour before the finish - marathon groupies are insatiable.

Mary: I never knew she was buried in a nun's habit. Perhaps she had a deathbed conversion. She certainly lived to a ripe old age.
i couldn't ever imagine being so heartbroken over the end of a relationship that i'd want to kill myself. i mean...i got close when Arrested Development was canceled...but i think we all did.
A blogging ape with a gift for counselling? Is there no end to your talents?

I'm impressed. And to think, chimps used to be my favourite primate. I may have to change my mind.
If you really have to kill yourself, fine, but it's just plain rude to be so messy about it. It should be done so as to be found like an Agatha Christie murder victim. Completely intact except for one trickle of blood from the corner of the mouth, and a bit of a glassy-eyed stare.

If I was charged with naming an Orangutan I wouldn't consider anything other than Fortinbras.
I personally love this line of mental health thinking! Of course I watch entirely too much television and therefore would never be able to die...well until the reruns started. Anyway, what a kind and compassionate ape you are!

Now, how do I go about signing up for some deep voiced suggestions being said in my ear?
Falcon Crest. Heh!

I'll be expecting one of those tapes in the mail, please.
Kara: That doesn't surprise me, Missy. You've obviously never been in as deep as poor old Horace.

Nicola: I'm happy to be your new pastime, Nicola. We'll play a game of Scrabble or something. You're better off with a gorilla, chimps can be quite rough with humans.

Sam: I reckon the murder victims in those movies were killed with a needle to the brain. Fortinbras is three words joined together. It might work for a male orang-utan with big boobs.

Miss Naughty: I'll have to make an audio file. You'll get a special x-rated one of course.

Mosha: I'm surprised you remember Falcon Crest.
My dear Mr. Bananas! The more I learn about you, the more impressed I become. As a therapist, I appreciate your skills.
"You’ve got your whole life ahead of you to plan your death properly.”

At last! Something to live for! Thank you, Dr. Z.
Nancy Reagan was very like Jane Wyman, wasn't she? Creepily so.
Very sound advice. Some days I live by the Simpsons dictum: Meh.

I once had breakfast with an orangutan. I was too scared to eat. She was almost bigger than me.
Sir, all this talk of clowns and gay lovers got me thinking - do clowns, when engaged in the act of love-making and about to issue forth their liquid load, suddenly spew forth a stream of shiny confetti instead of seminal fluid?

I like to imagine so.
So clearly, us snooty type who renounced television can go hang (or jump. Or shoot. Or marry. Or indulge in similarly self-destructive action of choice).

Mr. B, I'm disappointed at the viciousness of your censure of herd-deserters, your simian proclivities notwithstanding. Tsk.
"Don’t rush into a decision you might later regret.” In the context of talking someone out of killing themself, the logic is a bit skewed. Unless of course you are talking about doing your regretting in the hereafter.
Saintly Nick: Thank you, Sir, I would have been proud to join your practice.

Madam Z: For non-suicidal people it has a rather pharaonic ring to it. I am sure you have better ways of passing the time.

Sam: Perhaps in looks, but not personality. Jane was naughtier and more restless.

Clea: She would have loved you like a sister if you'd given her some soft fruit.

Lord Likely: Far better than imagining them spurting man-goo, m'lud. A clown with a cum-face would be a nightmarish spectable.

Rimi: A wireless show would be an acceptable alternative, but don't interpret my advice as being anti-marriage. In most cases, it is also preferable to suicide.

Lady Daphne: It was a figure of speech, milady. A form of English understatement I may have picked up from Dr Whipsnade.
First time reader and I'm hooked...a little confused, but hooked!

Being a t.v. addict has its advantages then. I wrote a poem about my covert small-screen proclivities (see here:

Falcon Crest was okay, but Knot's Landing was better. However, I do like the saying the name "Lorenzo Lamas" - it just rolls off the tongue, does it not? Rather like Ricardo Montalban.

Of course, you've got me wondering what your favourite T.V. show is, G.B.

I was never a night-time soaps fan. Plus, Jane Wyman always appeared like I imagined Norman Bates' mother to be.
Sage advice for the would be suicide Mr B , altho I am not sure Falcon Crest is to everyones taste.
Who was that other hollywood legend who had a part in FC , the whole piont of her character was to reveal on a weekly basis that she was the secret mother of yet another cast member . The damn woman must have been popping them out in batches during her formative years
You have so many hidden talents GB. I will try and live in the present although I am something of a worry wart. Also, unfortunately my favorite TV show is Cops, which films dumb criminals and haggle toothed prostitutes being arrested ...actually it is pretty useful stuff because it teaches you what not to say if you don't want to find yourself in a police cell. Don't say: "I don't know how those crack rocks ended up in my purse," for example.
I gave up watching soap operas when my own life became one... and I dont want to know how it ends :)
Hmmm what kind of things does a gorilla say that are X rated?
Hallie: Welcome, ma'am, I hope I'll become less confusing over time!

Kat: I hope you wouldn't think less of me if I admitted my favourite TV show was South Park.

Randall: Wasn't Norman Bates his own mother? I found Psycho more confusing than frightening.

Beast: You paid a lot more attention to the plot than I ever did. Why was Miss Elly in Dallas called 'Miss'? You must know if anyone does.

Emma: Do they really cast ugly women as prostitutes? I never realised American TV dramas had become so realistic.

Mrs Cake: Your soap will end with a gigantic two-hour orgasm that seismologists will pick up on their equipment. The satisfaction it brings you will last until the end of your life.
I have no idea on the Miss Ellie question Mr Bananas I assumed it was an American colloquilism .I shall ask work chum and former texan Mr Natemare.(Natemare says its a texan thing) what is more important is why oh why was piosoned dwarf Lucy Ewing cruelly cast as a woman who was obsessed with wearing shorts.
Thank you, my dear Mr. Bananas! Perhaps we should open a counseling practice together. You can handle the apes and humans and I’ll deal with cats. I am rather tired of dealing with humans: they all seem of evince the same problems (love, money, sex, and power) and those problems now bore me.
"live in the present and savour your favourite TV show."

And bananas of course. Must savour bananas. And Red Dwarf. Now there's a prescription for happiness!

you are a kind of hero - did you ever watch that one with the boats and stuff set in the west country...where everyone ate at a bar in a cellar-oh I know Howards Way!! Now that could save lives...
Topiary Cow - Red Dwarf? Pshaw I say to your Red Dwarf! I think you'll find bananas should be the fruity companion to Bottom.

Oh wait. That came out wrong.

As the actress said to the bishop.
Great stuff, Bananas. Reminds me of the Bob Newhart sketch where he's sent up to a high ledge on a building to dissaude a guy from jumping off it. Using the same theory as yourself, that you shouldn't be overwealmingly sympathetic to the jumper, he ends pursuading the guy to jump because he owes some responsibility to the crowd that's gathered below.

(It occurs to me that I may be the only one here who remembers and appeciates Bob Newhart.)
Miss Naughty: That's a very naughty question! I can't give away all our secrets!

Beast: I rather liked Lucy for the way she stood up to JR and her generally perkiness. I'm trying to visualise her bottom, but sadly I cannot.

Saintly Nick: Yes, cats appreciate the simple things like food, warmth, stretching and napping. I think a few humans would benefit from a good stretch.

Ms Cow: One day I will present you with a bunch of Congo's finest!

Mutley: I have a vague recollection of it. Were they natives of the West Country or well-to-do folk with holiday homes? It seemed like aspirational TV.

Nichola: Heh, I did enjoy that show! Especially the dancing in the opening credits!

Gadjo: Thank you, my Carpathian friend. I certainly remember Bob Newhart - what a great deadpan face he had for comedy!
Gadjo, I too remember and enjoyed Bob Newhart... as a small child obviously :)

Mr Bananas - On the two hour seismic orgasm front. Does this mean my life is now over?
It means that you can give up sex. But I suspect that you are exaggerating.
GB, I'm impressed that you remember "Falcon Crest". I thought that show had dropped completely out of the collective memory of the global television audience. Do you remember "F-Troop" also?
The name Forrest Tucker comes to mind. That had to be a whole generation before Falcon Crest.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin