Friday, May 30, 2008

The net neutrality nymph

Have you ever heard of something called “net neutrality”? It’s supposed to be the great moral principle of a free internet. Miss Tania Derveaux feels very strongly about it, possibly because she fears that surfers might be deprived of the right to ogle pictures of her naked body. Such is her commitment to the cause that she has offered to have sex with any man who:

(i) can prove he upholds net neutrality;

(ii) is a virgin.

The casual reader might wonder what virginity has to do with it. Nothing at all, it seems. It’s just Miss Derveaux’s way of limiting those queuing up to bonk her to a manageable number. Be that as it may, thousands of eager teenagers have already signed up for the Tania experience, while countless others are no doubt asking their doctors whether male virginity can be surgically restored. The latter group are certainly barking up the wrong trouser-leg. The manager of the safari camp assures me that a man regains 90% of his virginity if he goes without sex for a year. Presumably the remaining 10% can be recovered by washing the genitals in strawberry milkshake.

Miss Derveaux will have to watch out for crafty rogues who profess to be virgins just to get into her pants. Is it possible for a man to fake virginity? My sources tell me it’s as easy as fried green tomatoes. You just walk up to a woman with a sheepish expression on your face and follow her instructions when she takes you to bed. To reinforce the deception, you might annotate the sexual frolics with remarks such as “This isn’t in the manual!” and “So that’s where it is!”. But it’s important not to overplay your hand by saying unbelievable things like “Mmm, it tastes much better than I thought it would!”.

The bogus-virgin problem hints at a deeper dilemma with Tania’s offer. Call me a pious ape, but the whole idea of providing sexual favours to promote a worthy cause looks suspect to me. The man who must be bribed to do good deeds is a fair-weather convert of the shallowest sort -
the calibre of fellow, I would say, who will renege on his commitments as soon as a woman with a nicer pair of boobs comes along. Speaking as a male gorilla, I never accept sexual favours from my females in return for bringing them food or protecting them from marauders. “Virtue is its own reward,” I tell them, “come back in an hour when your hearts are filled with benevolence rather than gratitude.” (An hour is usually long enough for a refreshing snooze to recharge the batteries).

I’m not suggesting that any virgin should actually say ‘No’ to Miss Derveaux. That would be a scandalous waste of an attractive woman. The important thing is to insist that no amount of hanky panky can dictate one’s position on internet freedom. Before unbuckling his trouser belt, the honourable male virgin would make the following statement:

“I hear what you say about net neutrality, Tania. It sounds like a sensible policy and I’ll certainly look into it after you’ve had your way with me. But a quid pro quo is out of the question. Take me for my own sake and I will reflect on your persuasive arguments. Now let’s get naked.”

The world would be a much happier place if men made clear-headed declarations before jumping into bed with the first available woman.

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She wants them to write an essay before deflowering them? I don't understand what she wants... so how is any poor man who will automatically be thinking with a part of his anatomy not his brain going to be able to work out what he's supposed to do in order to be considered for this opportunity?
The world would be a much happier place if men made clear-headed declarations before jumping into bed with the first available woman.

Alas, GB, the desire to jump in the sack generally presupposes a lack of clearheadedness, which usually doesn't return until the deed is done.

Topiary likes Gorilla's idea of a one-hour cooling-off period.

The Congo has so much more sense than mankind.

Not sure what to say...

"Best of luck with that sweetie." about sums it up.
I agree with just about everything you say except for that bit about benevolence over gratitude. Benevolence isn't what you want their hearts to be filled with! Surely this is only a hair better than gratitude?

Ms Derveaux will have her work cut out for her.
If men made clear-headed declarations before jumping into bed with the first available woman the world would also be an emptier place. Not necessarily a bad thing.
I think she's going to get a lot of letters headed HMP something or other. A lot of old lags are born-again virgins.
Mrs Cake: I think they just have to show they've supported her cause on some internet forum. I like the idea of making men take an exam before they can have sex. It teaches them to focus.

Randall: Perhaps men should allow a lawyer to speak for them when afflicted with lust.

Ms Cow: I believe the same principle is used when selling insurance contracts.

Miss Naughty: If her aim is to court publicity she seems to be doing fine. She may not be so lucky if she wants to find a rich husband.

Mary: Well, a hair's breadth is quite thick for a gorilla! I don't mind accepting gifts offered in kindness.

Kyknoord: That surely depends on the content of the declaration. "Clear-headed" doesn't necessarily mean "sniffy".

Lady Daphne: I don't think she has the patience to wait for their release. She'll soon be trying a different gimmick.
umm... am I being thick or is there some relevance to the bottom photo that I'm not getting? it looks like another man's hand approaching his chest....
Miss Derveaux’s way of limiting those queuing up to bonk her to a manageable number will definitely FAIL. And she knows it.

No male can prove his virginity, not even if he meets the stereotype of a virgin and is a premature ejaculator or clumsy in bed, because 90% of men probably meet that criteria.

However, Miss Derveaux is obviously business savvy and a master manipulator. Getting hundreds if not thousands of pitiful men to sign up for the cause of net neutrality just so they may have a glimpse of Miss Derveaux's creamy thighs definitely works to her advantage and possibly ours as well...
OH, what an interesting idea... you always keep me abreast of the latest thought-provoking news...

> Call me a pious ape, but the whole idea of providing sexual favours to promote a worthy cause looks suspect to me
Agreed. I did it once; promised a 'reward' in return for him abstaining for the few hours til then; gave the reward, then he confessed the deception; he hadn't abstained... more fool me *wry smile*
I would have signed up if the photo showed tits and cha-cha.

I qualify for all the requirements she asks for.

But how do we know Derveaux is not a transvestite?

No. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't sample goods that are dubiously covered.

Does it count if you can't remember whether you're a virgin?
This is an amazing idea. Do you think I could get more blog readers if I offered sex to everyone who comments and doesn't have a lame blog?
Nursemyra: I believe he's being seen to by an older woman.

Static: In that case, any Tom, Dick or Harry can pretend to qualify for the bonking. Her creamy thighs should be made available without preconditions in my view. As a "taster" so to speak.

Eve: It's not a good idea to offer men those kinds of reward. If you treat them like dogs they behave like dogs. I'm glad you are wiser now!

Nude King: If you're that suspicious you'll never get laid! Loosen up, man!

Dude: Yes, that's as good as being a virgin. Whatever you did has been erased from the pages of history.

Mr Guru: What have you got against people with lame blogs? They have sexual needs too. You have to be inclusive if you want more readers.
Loosen up?

Man! If Derveaux is genuine, I might have to do the exact opposite. At least, between my legs.

HA! Your advice for how to fake being a virgin strikes me as very helpful, altho I'm sure most men could do this without a lot of trying ;)

Gotta love her "get laid" button on her site, LOL. Strange indeed.
Hold on Drowsey Monkey.

What are you trying to say?

Are we men, not good enough for women?

You must have met the wrong ones then.

And no, I am not "Anonymous."

That's a huge promise to make. Any virgin who signs up for net neutrality?

The ideals behind her argument seem sweet - spreading enlightenment through love - but, ironically, seeing as how she's offering up sex - dangerously naive. I hope she's very very careful about this.
Thank you for pointing out this opportunity for humans, Mr. Bananas. (I note with sorrow that simians are not included in Miss Tania Derveaux’s offer).

I believe that all of your observations are correct. I perceive that all that I need to again be a virgin is a strawberry milkshake. Sad.
really? a strawberry milkshake? elaborate, please.
Strawberry milkshake laced with date rape drugs, I think. Nancy Kissel's favorite remedy.

But I think GB is asking to wash the penis with that.

SSN, you thinking of drinking or washing with that stuff?


I mean really, blimey.
WOW -- first of all, Ms. Neutrality has some first-class breasts, and secondly, thank you for your first-class words on my blog, Mr. B, don't want to litter here further off-topic, just letting you know I replied back if you're like me and forget to hit that e-mail-notify-of-reply thing most of the time!

Surely if the internet were free-for-all, there would be all sorts of sexual perverts around trying to 'score' some 'totty'. Thank the hairy-buttocked Gorillagod that isn't the same now.

Perhaps, Mr Bananas, you could lend her one of your fruity snacks and that way she could satisfy her rampant sexuality without putting herself at risk of herpes, or even worse, shagging a chav?
Nude King: Why don't you sign up on her site and find out if the offer is for real? I'm sure everyone here would love to know.

Drowsey Monkey: Maybe a woman should prefer a virgin. I mean she can train him to do exactly what she likes.

Sam: I don't think she's naive, Sam, her last promotion was for 50,000 free blowjobs or something. She is actually a shrewd self-publicist.

Saintly Nick: I suggest you retain your remaining 10% for old times' sake, Mr Nick. Memories are made of this.

Kara: Strawberry milkshake won't help you, Missy, only surgery works for women. Of course, I like you plenty the way you are.

Louche: Would you ask her out on a date? She might be a charming woman underneath the brash exterior.

Letty: Haha! "Ms Neutrality" is a good name for her! I prefer booty babes like you, Letty.

Nichola: What are you suggesting, Nichola? I am the sort of ape who provides women with spiritual and emotional guidance rather than cheap thrills.
I've already 'ad 'er. Thanks for the pic.
Another example of how men can get away with murder, in that it can't be proved that he isn't a virgin. So unfair.
I hear you, my dear Gorilla gorilla. However, I have zillions of memories and absolutely no female companionship.
;D never thought my butt could smile, but it is now <3
I find that jumping in the sack generally suggests that there is absolutely no clear-headness about it (either way). Unless there is clear-headness, and then I found it to be less mind blowing.

Wait, is that taking net neutrality too far?
ah! great point re jumping in the sack, BUT I'd cut anyone some slack if they've haven't had the chance at a roll in said sack for many moons. Even the best items for self-gratification in the market won't forestall unclearheaded behavior after much too long going without. OR that just could be my current "dickmatization" speaking -- as a good friend recently diagnosed my state of mind.
You primates are all suckers for a nice pair'o'baps. Personally, I don't get it. I mean, it's pretty handy to have automatic drink dispensers attached to your thorax, but I can't understand the degree to which you folks seem to go ga-ga over this little feat. Maybe if you dressed them up with colorful feathers, then I'd get it, but as they are they don't even make for a decent perch.
It takes all kinds to make the world, I suppose.

Norman: Was she good?

Pi: Perhaps virginity is more of a state of mind for men.

Saintly Nick: I shall say a prayer for you, good sir.

Letty: Your clear head must be ruling the dickmatized part of your brain. Smart girls are patient.

Rosanna: I think the clear head is required much earlier when you're choosing a partner.

Baba Doodlius: You mean you haven't fantasised about nesting between a woman's baps? I don't believe it!

Sidhu: She's possibly the world's most imaginative floozy.
I only read the first few paragraghs. I have some urgent business forging documents to attend to..
There is something seriously wrong with this bird: she writes on her site: Tania covers all her personal expenses, including travel
right, she's going to fly all around the world popping cherries and footing the bill herself. If she is she's madder than I originally thought. And God, who'd have sex with a male virgin FOR FREE???
This woman needs to commit to more than net neutrality, she needs a shrink.

One more example of the net crazies who are drawn here.
A lady friend of mine once suggested that experienced women of a certain age ought to provide the service of breaking-in young men.

The ladies would benefit from a lot of amusement and perhaps some real adult fun, coupled with the warm glow of having done the world a real favour.

The young women that these youths next approach will be grateful for the basic moves thus acquired, rather than having to be mounted by something resembling a Lynx-daubed and over-excited red setter.

I believe this is already best practice among royal retainers and some American school teachers, not to mention the whole of France.
Well, being such a late bloomer to the world of the internet.

I would have gladly written on my stone tablet in cuneiform anything this lady would have asked of me 40+ years ago. Also now, my get up and go has got up and gone.
Mr Bananas , making clear headed declarations before sex , would be a recipe for disaster.
Yeah ok I will shag you becuase I am desperate but your mate was better looking......could get you punched
Wise words indeed Reverend Bananas - I have much to ponder on from this post - not least wondering if the lovely Tania has 'innies'or 'outies'....
Mosha: Good luck! Send her my regards when you meet her.

Emma: She's shrewder than you think. Her gimmick has got press coverage and thousands of potential customers for her sponsors. She only needs to bonk a handful of virgins for her credibility.

Ms Ubermouth: She's a mad genius who might make a lot of money out of this.

Mr Boyo: In certain situations, it might be a way of combining education with punishment. I wrote this post about it.

Tarf: Well you can still enjoy thinking about what you would have done to her.

Beast: Ah yes, you have to be tactful and clear-headed at the same time.

Mutley: I suggest you ask her, she's seems quite forthcoming about these things.
no good boyo.

For some reason you didn't mention the role of sheep in the education of all ages of Welshmen.
In answer to your question,"Was she good?", yeah she was great, but my eye kept getting distracted by the untidy shelf behind her head.

Obviously not too neat on the domestic front. Perhaps I can photoshop that bit out.
Ahead of your time, GB, and ours.
This is good news for ugly men, since it would be easier to convince her that they've gone without sex. I'm in!

One must wonder, though, how many socially awkward, repulsive, smelly, or misshapen men she will sleep with before she reaches her limit.
Norman: I don't think taking photos is part of the deal.

Chris V: I suspect she'll give the horrible ones the option of waiting in the queue until 2012 or visiting Big Bertha next door.
Come on, this woman is quite the crazy. She's making a big deal of something out of nothing (wait does that even make sense) to solve her nymphomaniac ways. Geez...crazy sex woman.
Anyways, talk to you soon, Gorilla Bananas, if you can't reach me, I'm probably on a date with Miss Derveaux devirginizing myself.
Don't underestimate her, Jacky, she's got a lot of publicity from this stunt, and I'm sure she has a plan for converting her fame into cash. As for your first sexual experience, I think you should persuade one of those lovely Chinese girls you hang out with.
The "virgin" aspect is a reference to Virgin Media, the UK's largest cable company and one of many who are infringing upon Net Neutrality.

The basic idea is that if she can de-virginise a few men, it will be symbolic for internet users and their struggle against oppression.

Heck, I'm all for it. I'll be a virgin, starting right now. :)
It might have been easier to offer her body to Richard Branson in exchange for a change in corporate policy.
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