Friday, May 16, 2008

Eggs, honey and sperm

There is an awkward silence at the safari guesthouse when a young lady from Texas asks whether “ennia yew boys” have made a deposit at a sperm bank. I imagine such questions are no big deal in the domain of the longhorn bull, but it’s not what you expect to hear over cocktails in an exclusive resort. As bartender, I attempt to relieve the embarrassment by interjecting a flippant remark.

“Miss Eunice,” I say (for that is her name). “I have banked my sperm in a number of hairy safe-deposit boxes!”

“Ah just bet you did, big fella!” she replies with a saucy wink. “But some of yo’
hoomanoidal cousins tug the slug so they can sell their spooge for cash!”

I react to this allegation by slapping my forehead in feigned surprise before making the following response:

“In that case, Miss Eunice, I fear that your enquiries will be fruitless. A gentleman does not discuss his financial affairs with women or children.”

This prompts the southern belle to opine vociferously on what men claiming to be gentlemen are capable of doing and have in fact done. It does, nevertheless, deflect her interrogation from its original purpose.

Discerning readers will have realised, of course, that Miss Eunice was teaching her grandmother how to fertilise eggs. Having spent my youth in a travelling circus, I could have given her a 10-lecture course on artificial insemination with a couple of lab tutorials thrown in for free. Most of our four-legged employees bred in that fashion, although one case I remember involved a girl in the costumes section. She impregnated herself with the sperm of a nameless performer, co-opted for this purpose by her lesbian lover in the trapeze team. All the nosey humans naturally tried to guess who the donor was, but I was more interested in the mechanics of the operation. The happy couple were pleased to satisfy my curiosity by describing the following four-step procedure:

(i) Empty fresh jism into beaker and mix with two tablespoons of Highland Spring mineral water (to give sperm space to swim about and get in shape for big event).

(ii) Add one teaspoon of honey for flavouring and nourishment (human sperm have
a notoriously sweet tooth).

(iii) Suck mixture into teat pipette from children’s chemistry set.

(iv) Make gentle love to pipette, squirting fluid into cha-cha while imagining scene from
Cadbury’s flake commercial.

It does have a certain panache, as far as recipes go, but not quite the vitality befitting an event as significant as the creation of new life. Dress it up how you want, no child wants to be fathered by a device used to make unstable liquids in a test tube go poof.

For much the same reason, I always feel twinge of sadness to read of middle-aged ladies having the best sex of their lives when their children are well past puberty. How would the young ones feel on discovering that the mother who merely went through the motions when they were conceived is currently experiencing toe-curling bedroom delights? Human couples trying to reproduce owe it to their future offspring to make it a night to remember. As we gorillas say, “Start life with a bang, end it with a whimper.”

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Personally, I don't have a problem with humans of any age getting themselves some uber-gasms. Sometimes it just takes years of practice to get everything *just right*. Same goes for apes, or hippos, or crocodiles, or birds (especially birds) - as long as your toes are a-curlin', it doesn't matter how old you are or how many eggs you've hatched.
Okay...we're not all that crass. Though should anyone need a helping hand I know how ;)
i'm sorry GB but you don't strike me as the sort to go out whimpering

And for all these years I've been spelling it gism...

I'd like to leave this life with a tinkling barbaric yawp.
Highland Spring, eh? Won't they be born speaking with Scottish accents?
Baba Doodlius: I agree, it's just shame they couldn't have felt the earth move when they were actually making babies.

Miss Naughty: Are you from Texas, Miss Naughty? If you opened a sperm bank men would be giving it away for free if you promised to assist.

Mei Dei: Maybe a deep sigh in my case. Followed by a hearty oath.

Sam: That sounds like something a lady emits when her bum's been pinched. Possibly when she's pinching someone else's bum too.

Lady Daphne: Highland Spring means their baby cries will resemble a bagpipe's drone. Never use Evian, or they'll end up talking like Inspector Clouseau.
You know most kids of a certain age are so revolted by the mere concept of their parents having sex that they would be quite happy to discover that they themselves were conceived in a less embarrassing way.
like bugger bognor?

haha mei dei haha that's a good typo -
"Tug the slug". Thanks for that, GB. Hitherto I'd thought people were just boasting about their humane method of vegetable patch pest disposal. Gardeners' Question Time will never be the same.

Artificial insemination in Welsh is "tarw mewn potel" (a bull in a bottle). We don't go in for these Latinate euphemisms.
I had a comment, but I see that Ms. "Having My Cake," got here first with my observations, so I'll just say, "Good Day."

really? all my lesbian friends use a turkey baster
I do not think that would produce many babies as the honey would attract bees who would interrupt events by building a nest...
I can't help but feel sorry for that poor cow. What a load of bull. (Sorry -- couldn't help myself there.)
Cow is reeling at the revelations of this post.


Mrs Cake: That's how they react when they're young, Mrs Cake, but when they get older they might feel differently about their moment of creation.

Mei Dei: That's not an oath I've ever used, but feel free to use it yourself.

Mr Boyo: I get the impression that the Welsh favour earthy nouns over florid verbs.

Randall: I wonder whether many kids would prefer to have been test tube babies.

Nursie: They probably never had chemistry sets when they were girls.

Mutley: The location is rather too dark and damp for bees, I think.

Mary: I assume you mean the cow in the picture rather than Miss Eunice. I think they both have healthy sex lives.

Ms Cow: Did Ms Cow click on the link for the Cadbury's flake commercial? It might calm her down.
Hmmm, whatever did bulls and cows do before the days when humans were standing by (in flue overalls and caps) to help with the continuation of their species? I wonder if they mind the intrusion? The lack of a pleasing (natural) setting? Being tied up whilst they perform?

Perhaps a couple could try being tied up, with two men dressed thus, inside a flourescent-lit 'shed' and do the deed?

x it true they pay donors for their semen? If so, how much and how often? I'm in need of some cash.
Imagining my parents having sex? No way. They don't know how to do it. I just don't think they know.
Being the mother of an IVF conceived offspring has made it so easy to bypass the whole "human interaction" aspect to reproduction...
I wonder if knows about this.

just as importantly do you know about him?
*smile* that's a good ending, gorilla! :-) You had my jaw agape at first, reading the recipe... especially the water and the honey :-) heheh... it sounds plausible enough :-)
Kitty: Well Nurse Myra found a picture from a Japanese sperm bank showing men being "milked" by ladies in surgical gowns, so your idea is not as far fetched as it sounds.

Secret Agent: Are you sure you could walk into a private cubicle and produce the sample on demand? It's not as easy as it sounds when people are waiting for you outside.

Linda: Ah, how interesting. I hope that having the eggs extracted wasn't too much of a hassle.

Nursemyra: We've not been introduced. Perhaps he/she should visit Ms Topiary Cow.

Eve: Honey makes the bees buzz so it'll surely put fizz in the sperm. Will you ask your fiance to have his sperm tested before marrying him?
Is that bloke holding the bull's best friend a pal of yours, GB? Don't shake his hand next time you see him.
I'm still wincing at the mention of honey. All that stickiness.
You have certainly had an interesting and varied life, Sir Bananas! That’s aounds like a rather, uh, wild circus. As for Ms. Eunice, she seems to have been rather bold, even for a Texan.
I don't think anyone would pick a pipette over the real thing without mitigating circumstances and I'm sure women would chose to always have the best sex of their lives, if they could. But as I keep telling the G, there's nothing out there to indicate life was supposed to be fair or even what we wanted.

It's funny you talk of insemination, I was just reading an article about overworked honey bees being forced to pollinate more often and for longer than they would naturally. A bit of an insect sex trade although far less messy/heavy than cows.
iii) seems to be the most precarious stage of this endeavor - much like the bit when the hero delicately removes the bomb casing in an action movie.
HEheh! The thought never occured to me, gorilla... in good working condition is enough... blanks are quite alright by me (plus, have always thought that at least, less harm is done that way ;-))
Inkspot: I never look down on humans who do degrading jobs. If I met him, I'd give him a lemon to squeeze rather than shake his hand.

Clea: The honey is well mixed with the jism. It all comes out in the wash.

Saintly Nick: I hope there will always be a place for the likes of Miss Eunice in your great land.

Ms Dgny: And sadly, the bees don't even know they're facilitating sex, let alone enjoy the act.

Mosha: Fortunately a teat pipette has a rubber suction cap, so there's no risk of swallowing.

Eve: I guess you'll have to book an appointment with the stork if you want to have children!
*chuckles* Good one! *Grins* ;-)
I quite agree with Having My Cake there. We actually prefer to think that we fell out of the sky than were conceived by our parens shagging!!!
Mr Bananas; you (or your humanoid slave) typed the word 'spooge' in a blogisode. I am forever a member of your fanclub if only for this reason.
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