Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Reading the stars

A young American woman at the safari camp asks me what my star sign is.

“Gorillas don’t have star signs, Miss,” I explain. “The zodiac is a human invention for the classification of humans.”

My answer seems to puzzle her.

“But you know your date of birth, right?” she inquires.

“Certainly,” I reply. “I was born on the 7th day of Hairygus in the year of the She-Elephant’s Udder. What that is in the human calendar I could not begin to guess.”

“Uh huh,” she says. “My boyfriend’s really into astrology and did my charts based on my exact time of birth.”

“How thoughtful of him,” I remark. “Did you discover anything interesting about yourself?”

“The position of Venus when I was born means I’m, like, passionate and sensual,” she answers. “I’m a woman who needs to give men pleasure to be happy.”

“Is that so?” I muse aloud. “Tell me something, Miss. Would your boyfriend’s star sign happen to be The Bull?”

“Yeah,” she replies in a tone of earnest surprise. “Howja know?”

“Lucky guess, Miss,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

We part on amicable terms.

I have no idea whether there’s anything in astrology, but it seems to me that its best days are behind it. Back in ancient Rome, the city’s leading augur had more respect than the Senior Vestal Virgin, which was saying something. When his star charts showed that the emperor’s number was up, the imperial food taster snuck off to Asia Minor on the next available galley. The emperor might try and wriggle out of it by making the palace eunuch wear his purple robes on the day of his predicted demise, but it never got him anywhere. You can’t escape your fate when you’ve been fingered by a badass soothsayer who knows his Saturnus from Uranus.

The last practitioner who really hit the big time was Nostradamus, although how much astrology he used in his prophesies is debatable. It was rumoured that he saw glimpses of the future when he gazed into a cauldron of water, which might explain the haunted look in his eyes. (My peepers look the same after I’ve stared into the Congo River, but that’s probably because of the crocodiles.) The thing about Nostradamus was that his astrological expertise would have been worthless without his supernatural powers. This principle applies to all the great seers. Take Miss Solitaire in Live and Let Die, for example. As long as she had her virgin’s intuition, her predictions with the tarot cards were 100% accurate. But once she got porked by Bond, she was as hopeless as the next floozy.

Incidentally, I’ve often wondered what happens to Bond’s leading lady after the movie ends. A long-term relationship with 007 would be out of the question, given that he’s married to the Secret Service and as frisky as a goat on Viagra. Yet it wouldn’t be his style to drive her to a Tesco Superstore and desert her while she’s shopping for kitchenware. Perhaps he has a rich cousin called Felicity Carruthers, who takes his conquests in hand and grooms them to be hostesses in her raunchy ladies’ clubs. Sizing up beefcake talent for burlesque shows might be the best remedy for a Bond infatuation.

Getting back to the subject at hand, I’m glad to say that my circus never allowed fortune tellers on the venue. That sort of thing creates bad vibes for performers who do dangerous stunts. A trapeze artist can lose his mojo if he gets funny looks from a spooky-looking dude in a turban. We did once have a spat with an old gypsy woman who incapacitated one of our lily-livered clowns by putting a curse on him. When I tried to solve the dispute by diplomacy, the silly old crone actually threatened to put a hex on me! The cheek of the woman! Little did she know that we gorillas are unhexable. I eventually got her to see reason by turning her urine blue. This was not achieved by magic, I should add, but by doping her groceries.

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Stars - fuck it - FIRST !!
But, seriously, now I'm curious. The first part of your post seems somewhat like a 'dream sequence'.

Do Gorillas have dreams/nightmares?
I think gorillas might dream of being stuck on top of the Empire State Building while little airplanes try to shoot them down. Very Freudian.
The planets and their motions .. a rich symbolic language, GB. It's just a weather forecast - that's all.

:-) x
Wow, that human bimbo was surely a sponge! Are there gorilla bimbos too? I was just wondering, because it seems like only humans are cursed with dumb asses.
I believe in the law of attraction. Just as crazy? Maybe. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna have some fool guess my future while playing slap jack with a deck of cards. I'd have better luck with a magic 8 ball I'm sure.
Why mess around with hexes? If I was a wizened old crone I'd crumple up my pruney face and squeeze out the full oct. 'Course if you don't do this right you get a hex and some loose change.

These modern day seers have no sense of theatre. Oh, they sit around with their crushed velvet drapery and "Forest Flame" scented Goddess brand incense, but the thing is they mostly just sit there. Where's the wailing, the hair-tearing, the clawing with the bony hands? They owe it all to Cassandra and yet noone will get off their bums and do a decent day's wailing.
“The position of Venus when I was born means I’m, like, passionate and sensual. I’m a woman who needs to give men pleasure to be happy.”

Japers, your understanding of the human race is extraordinarily well developed for a monkey - no one would deny that. But let me tell you that any woman who tells you she's passionate and sensual, or who uses the word "pleasure" while eying your lunchbox (and I'm imagining it's Linford Christiesque), is to be given a wide berth. Point her to Telegraph Dating and do your Tarzan thing through the trees.
Isn't the point of Bond to be ÜBER satisfying? I suspect he has a nunnery in the Alps somewhere. After him, I can't imagine they'd *want* anyone else.

Living in Asia, I knew loads of people who believed in fortune telling. I didn't see their lives going any better than my own blind bumbling.
I'm with you on this...i find astrology a little 'irrelevant'...interesting...but still, not something i would bet my last dollar on

You know i have a lot of Hindu friends who won't get married to a guy/girl if their astrology symbols didn't agree with one another. No disrespect to them, but i would never let such a thing determine my whole future!

P/S : Say what did you use to make her urine blue...i could use that kinda info :p
can you turn my urine blue? temporarily, just for fun like...
Actually Bond fell in love and Married a bond girl in 'her majestys secret service.'
Didn't work out so well for the girl however.

not that I'm an expert or anything.
I used to hate being asked my sign. I declined to state. Now people just judge me by my age, social status, appearance, gender, and education; it's so much simpler.
Goth: We dream, Goth, but we never try to remember. It's like running a disk cleanup.

Lady Daphne: That was actually a fantasy rather than a dream. A fantasy of human females, of course.

Kitty: Knowing when it's going to rain would be pretty useful - could that fellow Aquarius have something to do with it?

Beenzzz: Dumb-asses don't last very long in the wild. We call them "crocodile food".

Upset Waitress: Reading the tea leaves is another method. How about letting someone hypnotise you? You might come out with some interesting stuff.

Sam: Sadly, hysterical women no longer get the respect they once did. Nor do old crones. Everyone wants a cunning virgin, these days - maybe because they're so rare.

Ulaca: My lunch box is immune to women, old boy. If she wants to spend her youth pleasuring men, who are we to stop her?

Ms Dgny: I think Bond is probably overrated in bed - you never see him doing anything adventurous. I've noticed humans are quite keen on fortune telling in that part of the world. Have you had your palm read?

Sabrina: You're right! The star sign doesn't matter, just check the guy's teeth and butt! It was a white powder than turned her urine blue.

Nursemyra: The novelty would quickly wear off. I'd rather give you a massage, Nursie.

Mr Guru: True enough. She got shot when they were driving on their honeymoon. Marrying Bond is like a death sentence. People should remember that before accusing him of being a heart-breaker.

Mary: And much more reliable. You could always say you're a witch and tell people that witches don't have star signs.
I am no man of science, but it seems to me that the gravitational pull of a passing bus or articulated lorry on your person is greater than that of some astral body. Perhaps we ought to decide what large vehicle was outside the maternity hospital/pub carpark when we were born.

On a different note, do you know Bollo out of The Mighty Boosh, GB? If so, do pass on my admiration. He copes well with those fools, resorting only occasionally to the fruit of the marijuana root.
I'm sorry to hear that, Japers. Do you have Primary Care Trusts out there in the jungle? Perhaps they could nurse your Little Banana back to health? Or are they all administrators over there too?
First, you are such a polite ape. Second, you've quoted Star Trek before and you're into vintage Bond. Third, I've often wondered about Solitaire's fate. I think she'd use her predictions to tell if a man she fancies is good in bed.

So are you saying Taureans are the kind to receive pleasure to be happy?
Way too many people born under the sign of the bull these days.
A thought provoking post and I am interested in your position re geezers in turbans and all the mystic thingy. I wonder how Bollo the gorilla in the Mighty Boosh team fares with Nabu the shayman? Are your related perchance to Bollo, I am a big fan of his work and feel he was badly treated over the King King affair.
The desire for human beings to predict the future is an odd one isn't it? Even if we knew what was going to happen would anyone really try that hard to change it? I doubt it. Especially given that no-one ever seems to learn from the mistakes of the past, historically speaking.

And I suspect the Bond Girls go the same way as the legions of women who once shared a bed with Vegas.
Witchcraft is alive and well in our neck of the woods. Over the elections when there was trouble, some looters in Mombasa returned goods just with the threat of some 'juju'. It works a treat that stuff - although I'm not sure about the telling the future thing. Personally if my sorry arse is about to be run over by a bus I'd rather not know and have myself a jolly day instead chatting up charming gorillas !!
.... oooh my back hurts....
I fear many ex-Bond girls go to plastic surgeons to retain their good looks... Imagine, being picked from so many to achieve such a prestigious position and then growing old whilst Bond reincarnates himself back to his 40s every so often.

Im an Aries... do you think that explains a lot?
I was under the impression that fortune telling by bone casting actually does work. Hmmmm..... this may be a regressed memory retrieved from a previous life. I like Shelley Von Strunckel don't you?
Mr Boyo: The gravitational pull of elephants is more of a problem where I live. Bollo may be good with humans, but he sounds like the kind of poseur who would run a mile on seeing a jungle ape.

Ulaca: We have juju men and witch doctors. They'll give you a free enema if you're up to it.

Clea: Miss Solitaire was asking for seconds the morning after she was deflowered, so it didn't take her long to acquire a taste for it. I do apologise to Toreans for my quip. I'm sure most of them are fastidious with their dung.

Kyknoord: Metaphorically speaking, of course. I expect we have someone of that star sign here!

Uncle Norman: I never saw Bollo in his prime. I wonder why his show was pulled.

Misssy: I think Bond girls should stay single, have many lovers, and still be loyal to Bond in spirit. Like Lady Penelope and Jeff Tracey.

Mzungu Chick: The pleasure would be mine Miss Chick. I'd take you on a date to a juju ceremony. I love watching those occult rituals.

Nursemyra: My fingers await you!

Mrs Cake: I wouldn't blame them for a discrete little nip and tuck. I'm not surprised you're an Aries. You're certainly horny enough.

Mutley: Reading tea leaves seem to have more skill to it. I prefer Shelley Long.
Manipulating others by "seeing" what you want them to do in their star sign...

Why does Cow feel entire countries and populaces are run that way?

Occult rituals sound scary Mr Bananas I do hope your big hairy arms would keep me safe. I don't suppose gorillas do bear hugs? :)
Astrology Signs- words like "Moon rising over Mars"

"Jupiter ascending on Venus" Sounds more like Porn Films from the 70's.

James Bond was so busy in the flims. It isn't a wonder he always wanted his "Martini" shaken and not stirred.
Mr Bananas you're completely right, Astrology is a big steaming pile of dingleberries. Hexes too. I'm a chain letter-ripper-upper kinda girl.
The reason Nostradamus was so successful is that he made prediction which none of his audience could hope to live to see fulfilled. Obviously, the trick is to say "Some clown named Adolf is going to be a real prick in about 500 years," then sit back and collect your royalties.

"Astrology is a big steaming pile of dingleberries."

Joanne has it in a nutshell. Or dingleberries.

Unless, of course, its a big pile of gorilla bananas. In that case, she has it all wrong.

Ms Cow: Now I remember how James Bond tricked Miss Solitaire into bed. He said it was foretold. And he was right!

Mzungu Chick: We do gorilla hugs, Miss Chick. Take a deep breath before I squeeze.

Tarf: Mercury always seems to get left out, poor fellow.

Joanne: Dingleberries? I love it when you talk dirty, Joanne. It reminds me of a Chuck Berry song.

Randall: I think he actually mentioned 'Hister', which is the name of a river. People have been twisting the words of that old beardie for centuries.
I just got done watching that Jesse James film. Did you notice that Nick Cave did the music? I totally called it during the movie too...I was all "That totally sounds like Nick Cave" and then the credits confirmed it! I KNOW! It's like I have a six sense. Or ears!

I'm just telling you because you're the only other "person" I know who's seen it. It's not great. But I might take this sixth sense thing and see how far I can get with Daniel Bond.
GB-" Mercury always seems to get left out, poor fellow."

Probably because he is so small and a little "Quick Silver".
Mr Bananas , I to am slightly dubious about astrology , altho Ma Beasty had a passing facination with it . She cast all the grandchildrens character horoscopes when they were born and sealed the results in an envelope. When all the family was together for the eldest grandchilds 13th birthday , she opened the envelope and read out the personality casting and we all had to guess which child it was for. I have to say they were spookily accurate and you could easily pick which child the casting was for......but then again I was a bit drunk.
I cant imgaine Miss Solitaire does her own shopping Mr GB
i went to have my "cards" read last month...for the first time in my life...there was a lady set up at a pub and i spent the 10 bucks to be entertained...i was...but it was interesting to see what she had to say...problem was she didn't say much in the long run and nothing i didn't already know...would rather watch the stars at night...
Knowing my past, which is behind me, I suppose that the future is in front!
When I langoureusement look at my wife like an animal ( Lobster kind ,I pinch it for her) and that she says to me " NOT !!” I guess my future!
I didnt read much of that post,however, I did like that photo of a womans tits.
I do not believe in astrology simply because although I consider myself to be a feisty, passionate and rather fascinating creature I am a Capricorn, the most boring sign of the lot. I always get predictions like, "you are a quiet, steady plodder and you will eventually achieve all your modest and unintersting goals if you keep going." I am tired of it. It is lies all lies!!
Kara: Didn't you say Rudyard Kipling's poem reminded you of Nick Cave? What did that have to do with the Jesse James movie? You're clutching at straws, Missy.

Tarf: He's liquid too.

Beast: Ma Beastie clearly has a crystal ball tucked up her sleeve. And Miss Solitaire lost all her servants when she absconded with Bond.

Daisy: I'm glad she entertained you. Did you play rummy afterwards?

Crabtree: Your wife is teasing you! Keep on playing the lobster!

Hitch: I'm sure you can find plenty more of that if you put your mind to it.

Emma: Maybe you should use the line that Bond said to Miss Solitaire: "That's rather a sweeping statement considering we've never met."
straws? what? no, silly. i'm pointing out how strange it is that Nick Cave did the music for the movie that your last post was about. you see the circle? you see it?

maybe you need to drink a little.
Here in Transylvania we've got plenty of yer actual Gypsy crones you'll read your fortune for 50p, or your soul, whichever you can most afford to part with. I wish Roger Moore had visited one in 1972 and been told that he'd be crap as 007. England's only real male at the time, your mate Guy the Gorilla, was languishing in London Zoo waiting for the phonecall from Cubby Broccoli which never came.
Oh man...this is totally bringing memories of those ridiculous infomercials of Miss Cleo. HAHA. I'm a Leo...It means I'm .a nut case or something, right? Something crazy.
Do the great apes share a astrological system or do chimps have their own stars?
Miss Cleo...ack.

Horrible to think these memories lurk in the brain....just waiting for some "secret agent" to reactivate them.

Gorillas surely are born in the year of the Monkey?

Having said that, how come your East Asian simian cousins get their own year and Gorillas are left behind? I think the Year of the Gorilla would be a rather nice one, whereby those born in that auspicious year could both thump their chests and express themselves with awesome erudition.

And that's lucky in anyone's book.
Let me guess: beet juice and Atheris squamigera venom?
Is this really Miss Solitaire, or are you drawing from your Star Trek archives again? Incidentally, it looks as if she's bent over with her butt in the air and they attached the head to her lower spine. Got to love those 70s costumes, don't you?
I'm a Cancer on the Gemini cusp which means I'm a moody so and so who loves to stay home and start things I never finish.
I can't use that excuse though, cuz I'm RC and we don't believe all that hooey.
I am thus well sign of the lobster whose only tail is edible contrary to artichoke, ascending “Hyla arborea”
Kara: Maybe I need to drink a cup of hemlock. Cave did the Jesse James music, I take your word for it. And Cave is relevant to our relationship because...

Gadjo: You really live in Transylvania! Miss Kara (see above) just went on holiday there with her boyfriend. I wish you had bitten her for me!

Secret Agent: Have you been to a Chinese fortune teller? I think you should try one and blog about it.

Louche: We Earthlings have the same stars, but look at them with different eyes.

Ms Cow: I was fortunate not to be entertained by her.

Mermaid: You're very sweet, Mermaid, but we don't need our own year. I think it's better to name years after an event that occurred in them, e.g. "the year the Mermaid slapped my face". I would cast you as Felicity Carruthers in a Bond movie.

Poetikat: She and Spock would have made a good couple. I thought RC was a cola. I don't think you should worship a cola however good it tastes.

Crabtree: Keep pinching your wife, but beware the pot of boiling water!
Strangely enough I find it easier to believe that Uranus has signs of the Crabs, than that a f*****g gorilla writes a blog, with or without bananas.
gorilla bananas, I've never been to a fortune teller. I'm a little afraid of getting my fortune told. My aunt went once and the fortune teller told her some negative things about her son. From this day on, she still gets worried.
Besides, what if the fortune teller can also read minds and finds out that I'm actually a crazy serial killer.
What good is having your fortune told, if they can't tell you how to change it? :D
"Fortune" telling seems to imply somebody gets a fortune.

Bunny is still looking for her fortune, and only finding more and more Topiary needing trimming.

it's not. we are having two completely different conversations. i'll just sit back here quietly til your next post.
You are a very intelligent and insightful gorilla, Mr. Bananas, to see through the manipulations of horoscopes and fortune tellers.

BTW, my horoscope for today reads:
“It's time for you to shift focus in your life. Move away from frustration and move toward things that work. For example, if you have been holding on to a floundering relationship, move on today. If it's just not working, it's just not a good thing for you.”

What do you think, Mr. B., especially since I’ve not been a relationship, floundering or otherwise, for more than two year.
Some people have described me as a Cancer.

I am not sure if they are referring to my star-sign, or whether they are being less than polite.
Yep, I live in Transylvania. No gorillas, but we do have some of Europe's last wild bears, wolves etc. ...Some people have described me as a Cancer..., that's good! And not fair, I'm sure, your lordship.
God, if there's one thing I don't believe in - it's star signs.

What a load of mumbo jumbo. Do Gorillas have a law against this sort of thing?

PS: I've missed you, GB!
Thursday's child: You have far to go.

Secret agent: The trick is to listen without believing and pretend you're in love with a sheep.

Sidhu: If the fortune teller knows his trade you won't want to change it!

Bunny: But somebody does get a fortune, dear Bunny. It just probably isn't you.

Kara: Sit on a pouf. I'd like to see you sit on a pouf.

Saintly Nick: Thank you, Reverend Nick. These horoscopes don't vex me... perhaps because I don't read them.

Lord Likely: Might his lordship's effusions taste of crab?

Gadjo: I don't blame you for not mentioning the V-word. Bram Stoker has harmed you enough.

Rosanna: I've missed you too, precious.
Doping her groceries. The only sensible move in many a difficult situation.
I was a Bond girl once- Unibond.
Mr. Bananas,
So happy to see that you've been doing some deep thinking while I was away! I've never understood the hold fortune telling has on people. When I was in New Orleans (roaming the streets of the French Quarter as a young virgin hoping to be bitten by some rouge vamp...I have such an imagination!) I did have my palm read and my future seen, but very little if any of it came true. Well, except for the part where she said some line on my hand meant I'd live a long life. That must be true since I'm still alive. Anyway, I really think that anything can have power for you if you believe in it enough. I simply don't believe in the gypsies and future seers. Oh well...
Miss Naughty
Hey I tried group hypnotism. Zzzzzzz. I tried it one on one to quit smoking too. It was too comedic. I participated for about 15 mins. Not my thang. Drugs are my thing, so that's how I quit. Cheaper than the hypnotist. :)
Kieran: And not something one should ever do lightly.

Ms Ubermouth: What did they stick you to?

Miss Naughty: The thought of you as a virgin is quite inspiring! I hope you were properly teased into womanhood.

Upset Waitress: You're probably not suggestible enough for hypnosis.
What do you mean suggestible? I really tried to be hypnotized. I was all into it. I really wanted this to work you know. Ahhh well.
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