Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Reading the stars
A young American woman at the safari camp asks me what my star sign is.
“Gorillas don’t have star signs, Miss,” I explain. “The zodiac is a human invention for the classification of humans.”
My answer seems to puzzle her.
“But you know your date of birth, right?” she inquires.
“Certainly,” I reply. “I was born on the 7th day of Hairygus in the year of the She-Elephant’s Udder. What that is in the human calendar I could not begin to guess.”
“Uh huh,” she says. “My boyfriend’s really into astrology and did my charts based on my exact time of birth.”
“How thoughtful of him,” I remark. “Did you discover anything interesting about yourself?”
“The position of Venus when I was born means I’m, like, passionate and sensual,” she answers. “I’m a woman who needs to give men pleasure to be happy.”
“Is that so?” I muse aloud. “Tell me something, Miss. Would your boyfriend’s star sign happen to be The Bull?”
“Yeah,” she replies in a tone of earnest surprise. “Howja know?”
“Lucky guess, Miss,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.
We part on amicable terms.
I have no idea whether there’s anything in astrology, but it seems to me that its best days are behind it. Back in ancient
The last practitioner who really hit the big time was Nostradamus, although how much astrology he used in his prophesies is debatable. It was rumoured that he saw glimpses of the future when he gazed into a cauldron of water, which might explain the haunted look in his eyes. (My peepers look the same after I’ve stared into the
Incidentally, I’ve often wondered what happens to Bond’s leading lady after the movie ends. A long-term relationship with 007 would be out of the question, given that he’s married to the Secret Service and as frisky as a goat on Viagra. Yet it wouldn’t be his style to drive her to a Tesco Superstore and desert her while she’s shopping for kitchenware. Perhaps he has a rich cousin called Felicity Carruthers, who takes his conquests in hand and grooms them to be hostesses in her raunchy ladies’ clubs. Sizing up beefcake talent for burlesque shows might be the best remedy for a Bond infatuation.
Getting back to the subject at hand, I’m glad to say that my circus never allowed fortune tellers on the venue. That sort of thing creates bad vibes for performers who do dangerous stunts. A trapeze artist can lose his mojo if he gets funny looks from a spooky-looking dude in a turban. We did once have a spat with an old gypsy woman who incapacitated one of our lily-livered clowns by putting a curse on him. When I tried to solve the dispute by diplomacy, the silly old crone actually threatened to put a hex on me! The cheek of the woman! Little did she know that we gorillas are unhexable. I eventually got her to see reason by turning her urine blue. This was not achieved by magic, I should add, but by doping her groceries.
Do Gorillas have dreams/nightmares?
These modern day seers have no sense of theatre. Oh, they sit around with their crushed velvet drapery and "Forest Flame" scented Goddess brand incense, but the thing is they mostly just sit there. Where's the wailing, the hair-tearing, the clawing with the bony hands? They owe it all to Cassandra and yet noone will get off their bums and do a decent day's wailing.
Japers, your understanding of the human race is extraordinarily well developed for a monkey - no one would deny that. But let me tell you that any woman who tells you she's passionate and sensual, or who uses the word "pleasure" while eying your lunchbox (and I'm imagining it's Linford Christiesque), is to be given a wide berth. Point her to Telegraph Dating and do your Tarzan thing through the trees.
Living in Asia, I knew loads of people who believed in fortune telling. I didn't see their lives going any better than my own blind bumbling.
You know i have a lot of Hindu friends who won't get married to a guy/girl if their astrology symbols didn't agree with one another. No disrespect to them, but i would never let such a thing determine my whole future!
P/S : Say what did you use to make her urine blue...i could use that kinda info :p
Didn't work out so well for the girl however.
not that I'm an expert or anything.
Lady Daphne: That was actually a fantasy rather than a dream. A fantasy of human females, of course.
Kitty: Knowing when it's going to rain would be pretty useful - could that fellow Aquarius have something to do with it?
Beenzzz: Dumb-asses don't last very long in the wild. We call them "crocodile food".
Upset Waitress: Reading the tea leaves is another method. How about letting someone hypnotise you? You might come out with some interesting stuff.
Sam: Sadly, hysterical women no longer get the respect they once did. Nor do old crones. Everyone wants a cunning virgin, these days - maybe because they're so rare.
Ulaca: My lunch box is immune to women, old boy. If she wants to spend her youth pleasuring men, who are we to stop her?
Ms Dgny: I think Bond is probably overrated in bed - you never see him doing anything adventurous. I've noticed humans are quite keen on fortune telling in that part of the world. Have you had your palm read?
Sabrina: You're right! The star sign doesn't matter, just check the guy's teeth and butt! It was a white powder than turned her urine blue.
Nursemyra: The novelty would quickly wear off. I'd rather give you a massage, Nursie.
Mr Guru: True enough. She got shot when they were driving on their honeymoon. Marrying Bond is like a death sentence. People should remember that before accusing him of being a heart-breaker.
Mary: And much more reliable. You could always say you're a witch and tell people that witches don't have star signs.
On a different note, do you know Bollo out of The Mighty Boosh, GB? If so, do pass on my admiration. He copes well with those fools, resorting only occasionally to the fruit of the marijuana root.
So are you saying Taureans are the kind to receive pleasure to be happy?
And I suspect the Bond Girls go the same way as the legions of women who once shared a bed with Elvis...to Vegas.
Im an Aries... do you think that explains a lot?
Ulaca: We have juju men and witch doctors. They'll give you a free enema if you're up to it.
Clea: Miss Solitaire was asking for seconds the morning after she was deflowered, so it didn't take her long to acquire a taste for it. I do apologise to Toreans for my quip. I'm sure most of them are fastidious with their dung.
Kyknoord: Metaphorically speaking, of course. I expect we have someone of that star sign here!
Uncle Norman: I never saw Bollo in his prime. I wonder why his show was pulled.
Misssy: I think Bond girls should stay single, have many lovers, and still be loyal to Bond in spirit. Like Lady Penelope and Jeff Tracey.
Mzungu Chick: The pleasure would be mine Miss Chick. I'd take you on a date to a juju ceremony. I love watching those occult rituals.
Nursemyra: My fingers await you!
Mrs Cake: I wouldn't blame them for a discrete little nip and tuck. I'm not surprised you're an Aries. You're certainly horny enough.
Mutley: Reading tea leaves seem to have more skill to it. I prefer Shelley Long.
Why does Cow feel entire countries and populaces are run that way?
"Jupiter ascending on Venus" Sounds more like Porn Films from the 70's.
James Bond was so busy in the flims. It isn't a wonder he always wanted his "Martini" shaken and not stirred.
Joanne has it in a nutshell. Or dingleberries.
Unless, of course, its a big pile of gorilla bananas. In that case, she has it all wrong.
Mzungu Chick: We do gorilla hugs, Miss Chick. Take a deep breath before I squeeze.
Tarf: Mercury always seems to get left out, poor fellow.
Joanne: Dingleberries? I love it when you talk dirty, Joanne. It reminds me of a Chuck Berry song.
Randall: I think he actually mentioned 'Hister', which is the name of a river. People have been twisting the words of that old beardie for centuries.
I'm just telling you because you're the only other "person" I know who's seen it. It's not great. But I might take this sixth sense thing and see how far I can get with Daniel Craig...or...um...James Bond.
Probably because he is so small and a little "Quick Silver".
I cant imgaine Miss Solitaire does her own shopping Mr GB
When I langoureusement look at my wife like an animal ( Lobster kind ,I pinch it for her) and that she says to me " NOT !!” I guess my future!
Tarf: He's liquid too.
Beast: Ma Beastie clearly has a crystal ball tucked up her sleeve. And Miss Solitaire lost all her servants when she absconded with Bond.
Daisy: I'm glad she entertained you. Did you play rummy afterwards?
Crabtree: Your wife is teasing you! Keep on playing the lobster!
Hitch: I'm sure you can find plenty more of that if you put your mind to it.
Emma: Maybe you should use the line that Bond said to Miss Solitaire: "That's rather a sweeping statement considering we've never met."
maybe you need to drink a little.
Horrible to think these memories lurk in the brain....just waiting for some "secret agent" to reactivate them.
Having said that, how come your East Asian simian cousins get their own year and Gorillas are left behind? I think the Year of the Gorilla would be a rather nice one, whereby those born in that auspicious year could both thump their chests and express themselves with awesome erudition.
And that's lucky in anyone's book.
Is this really Miss Solitaire, or are you drawing from your Star Trek archives again? Incidentally, it looks as if she's bent over with her butt in the air and they attached the head to her lower spine. Got to love those 70s costumes, don't you?
I'm a Cancer on the Gemini cusp which means I'm a moody so and so who loves to stay home and start things I never finish.
I can't use that excuse though, cuz I'm RC and we don't believe all that hooey.
Gadjo: You really live in Transylvania! Miss Kara (see above) just went on holiday there with her boyfriend. I wish you had bitten her for me!
Secret Agent: Have you been to a Chinese fortune teller? I think you should try one and blog about it.
Louche: We Earthlings have the same stars, but look at them with different eyes.
Ms Cow: I was fortunate not to be entertained by her.
Mermaid: You're very sweet, Mermaid, but we don't need our own year. I think it's better to name years after an event that occurred in them, e.g. "the year the Mermaid slapped my face". I would cast you as Felicity Carruthers in a Bond movie.
Poetikat: She and Spock would have made a good couple. I thought RC was a cola. I don't think you should worship a cola however good it tastes.
Crabtree: Keep pinching your wife, but beware the pot of boiling water!
Besides, what if the fortune teller can also read minds and finds out that I'm actually a crazy serial killer.
Bunny is still looking for her fortune, and only finding more and more Topiary needing trimming.
BTW, my horoscope for today reads:
“It's time for you to shift focus in your life. Move away from frustration and move toward things that work. For example, if you have been holding on to a floundering relationship, move on today. If it's just not working, it's just not a good thing for you.”
What do you think, Mr. B., especially since I’ve not been a relationship, floundering or otherwise, for more than two year.
I am not sure if they are referring to my star-sign, or whether they are being less than polite.
What a load of mumbo jumbo. Do Gorillas have a law against this sort of thing?
PS: I've missed you, GB!
Secret agent: The trick is to listen without believing and pretend you're in love with a sheep.
Sidhu: If the fortune teller knows his trade you won't want to change it!
Bunny: But somebody does get a fortune, dear Bunny. It just probably isn't you.
Kara: Sit on a pouf. I'd like to see you sit on a pouf.
Saintly Nick: Thank you, Reverend Nick. These horoscopes don't vex me... perhaps because I don't read them.
Lord Likely: Might his lordship's effusions taste of crab?
Gadjo: I don't blame you for not mentioning the V-word. Bram Stoker has harmed you enough.
Rosanna: I've missed you too, precious.
So happy to see that you've been doing some deep thinking while I was away! I've never understood the hold fortune telling has on people. When I was in New Orleans (roaming the streets of the French Quarter as a young virgin hoping to be bitten by some rouge vamp...I have such an imagination!) I did have my palm read and my future seen, but very little if any of it came true. Well, except for the part where she said some line on my hand meant I'd live a long life. That must be true since I'm still alive. Anyway, I really think that anything can have power for you if you believe in it enough. I simply don't believe in the gypsies and future seers. Oh well...
Ms Ubermouth: What did they stick you to?
Miss Naughty: The thought of you as a virgin is quite inspiring! I hope you were properly teased into womanhood.
Upset Waitress: You're probably not suggestible enough for hypnosis.