Monday, February 18, 2008

The seven year itch

From time to time, I get e-mails from influential humans who happen to have stumbled upon this blog. The latest VIP to penetrate my inbox was Frau Gabriele Pauli, a German politician with fiery red hair and a well-proportioned bust. She wants me to endorse her proposal for term-limited marriages. Her idea is that after seven years of conjugal togetherness, a human couple should automatically be decoupled unless they agree to renew their vows. For some reason, she thinks I ought to approve of such a custom. I don’t know why. There is no pressing demand for fixed-term marriages in my part of the jungle and we couldn’t really care what humans do. People have the strangest ideas about gorillas.

It may be worth supporting her campaign anyway, so she owes me a favour. Mutual back-scratching is a universal feature of primate culture. Who knows when a German woman might be useful to a gorilla? Stranger things have happened. But before committing to the cause, I’d like to know more about Frau Pauli’s domestic arrangements. Frankly, I smell a rat. Humans have a habit of advocating policies for the common good when they’re really trying to make life easier for themselves. I shall begin by carefully examining her published photos. One thing I learned in the circus was how to read a woman’s body language. I have a feeling she might be one of those insatiable femme fatales who wears out a husband after a few years of incessant coupling – like the infamous redback spider that sucks the juice from her mate before kicking his empty carcass into the nearest ant hole.

There are more charitable interpretations, of course. The fact that she wants the standard marital term to be seven years looks significant. Why the number 7? Do you remember the biblical story where Joseph got into Pharaoh’s good books by interpreting his dream about seven fat cows and seven lean cows? Maybe Frau Pauli is plagued by similar visions. In her case, the dream might speak to a woman’s fear of turning into a fat cow after seven years of marriage and being left by her husband for a thin woman (the lean cow). Allowing the marriage to lapse naturally would be infinitely less humiliating for the overweight spouse than being callously dumped in favour of a slim chick. Yet if this were so, why wouldn’t she be campaigning for wives to stop getting fat in the first place?

One can speculate about these theories until the hairs on one’s chin are loaded with static electricity. Who really knows what Frau Pauli’s ulterior motive is? What's perfectly clear is that you won’t get a straight answer from a politician who’s involved in chicanery. If I confront her with my suspicions, she is bound to have some pat answer that rationalises her proposal and presents it as the best thing since pickled onions. All of which leads me to the conclusion that I should steer well clear of this Teutonic dame and her über-radical ideas. It is hereby forbidden for the gorilla to give succour to the flame-haired valkyrie blowing fanfares on her horn. So speaketh the Japing Ape, Patriarch of the House of Bananas.

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Reading a woman’s body language is fine up to a point but what happens if your eyes met hers and she charges?
> Frau Pauli is plagued by similar visions. In her case, the dream might speak to a woman’s fear of turning into a fat cow after seven years of marriage and being left by her husband for a thin woman (the lean cow).
Ohhhhhhhhh.........! Hahahaha... beautiful, gorilla! *chuckling* One day, if we could compile all the best bits into a book, it'd make for some good reading... :-)
Eve - there is a book already. You can get in on Amazon. It's called The Japing Ape: The Personal Memoirs of Mr. Gorilla Bananas. Here it is.

I don't think such a 7-year scratcher law would make anybody any happier. If 2 people want to break up after 7 years then they probably will of their own accord. If only one of the couple does then you have the same old hurt to deal with you always did. That won't go away. If there are children involved, the same emotional and practical complications exist as when a regular marriage breaks up.
Eve - it's a fab book - I thoroughly recommend it for chuckles roasted in sage and bananas.
Good call. When politicians start soliciting endorsements, that's the time to run away screaming.
Marriages last for seven years? From my own observation, marital unions usually end prior to seven years, most often in divorce or cannibalism, depending on your area of the globe and the cost of attorneys.
it's all so romantic.....
OK, so we have German politicians saying "seven years". Middle East saying "for life - and someone else picks who you marry". The US saying "for life, unless you're gay in which case you have to live your life alone".

Why the hell are politicians telling people how, what and who to marry? Since when was two people getting together with good intentions any of their business? Oh, except for the changes in taxation that result.

*Hates meddling politicians* I need to move to a country where it's legal to kill the bastards. Somewhere nice and anarchic. South America or Africa perhaps.
I wonder if this has something to do with her own marital history.
Speaking as someone with a passing interest in the planets ... 7 years is a well known 'difficult patch' since it is the time it take for the planet Saturn (which symbolises constraint and limitation amongst other things) to reach its first 'square' to it's own placing. It can be a testing time.

As for the Frau ... more political pontificating is hardly going to impact upon the personal relationships of people, unless 'people' let it. I'm sure Herr Hitler and his 'ideas' (although hardly comparable to this comparatively tame proposal) would have been poo-pooed in blogs had there been such things at the time.

PS I do hope the static in your chin hair doesn't prove too shocking. x
I agree, don't get involved.

'Course, you could always lure her to your tree and just silver-back the Hun bitch, g.b. Yes. A long glowing thread from her dirty braun eye to the nape of her thick Nazi neck. Then tell her to jam her radical home-wrecking ideas straight up her twatze and toss her ass to the crocs.
Therda: If she charges, you either climb up a tree or lower your body posture. Works with female gorillas.

Eve: I'm always delighted to hear your chuckles. E-mail me if you want a free copy.

Sam: Very true. Not to mention all the anxiety leading up to the 7 year deadline.

Kyknoord: Or put your fingers in your ears.

Chrisv82: I see you're heavily into the arachnid scene. Watch out for the venom.

Nursemyra: I'd put it down to overconfidence on Frau Pauli's part.

Mosher: Frau Pauli likes to give the orders, but she's not bad looking for a woman aged 50. Would you say 'No' if she asked you to give her one with no strings?

Sidhu: She's been divorced twice and obviously hasn't had trouble in finding suitors...thus far.

Kitty: Seven is such a mysterious number, isn't it Kitty? Seven deadly sins, seven ages of man, etc. You're right about Hitler, I would pooh-pooh him to absurdity if he ever tried to make a political comeback. I'm getting a lightening rod for my chin.

Hammer: Man, that's sadistic. I see her a business opportunity. I'd fix her up with local men for an introduction fee. There's no going back for a German woman who's been laid in Africa.
I see you have uncovered Frau Blucher's evil plan to reanimate the dead...Vould see doctor like some varm milk?
One wonders how Ms. Pauli's proposal would affect the marriages of German ex-pats. Given that my wife hails from the banks of the Danube and we're approaching 20 years of marital bliss without the necessary paperwork, I would hope I wouldn't wake up one morning to find out that someone in Berlin has diddled with my domestic arrangements. Always meddling, those Germans.

looking back on is funny how i was terribly worried about the fat cow thing...and i did gain weight...then left and lost it all plus some...however, i felt happier with the weight on...and at home...maybe there is a lesson in that one...
I can't imagine she's looking for votes from women.
I agree! Seven years is too long to be with anyone! What would there be left to say except 'get the fuck out of my house!'?
That policy will go down like a cup of cold vomit in the largely catholic Germany.

She clearly just wants her own chat show instead of actually being elected.
The more likely interpretation is that Herr Pauli is the one who has become a fat bloater after six years and she's just putting the wheels in place before offering him the final option of a year at WeightWatchers.

I cant help but admire the attitude of that female redback spider...
I had a bit of a crisis after seven years but now I am in my eigth year and thinks are HOT HOT HOT. Seven years either makes or breaks a marriage.
Seven years, huh? Quite a few couples I know could never have made it to seven years, and what would they do? How embarrassing, not even being able to make it to the bare minimum. How about one-year renewal options? That might be a better idea.

And now that I know you've got a book out, that solves next year's Christmas presents for guys. Does it come with photographs?
Maybe she's been married for six and a half years and he's went all fat and warty.
Natalia: Sexy accent! Is that cow's milk or mother's milk?

Randall: You're safe in America. There won't be any diddling unless you invite Pee Wee Herman into the marital bed.

Daisy: The lesson seems to be that people sometimes worry about non-problems.

Dgny: I think she's after the votes of spouses who are better looking or higher-earning than their partner. Or maybe she's just bonkers.

Ms Ubermouth: That's why a couple should avoid too much chit-chat for the first 7 years. Save up the most interesting topics for later, when they're getting bored of sex.

Misssy: You think so? I'm not sure about the Germans, they're into some fairly kinky stuff. And they like being bossed around.

Mrs Cake: She looks pretty insatiable to me. Her next husband better start eating ginseng from now.

Emma: Great news! And a whole 6 years before the next crisis!

Mary: Maybe couples would treat it like a prison term. If it's not a life sentence, doing time might be a better option than a divorce.

Joanne: Either that or she screwed him to exhaustion.
gorilla...thank you for telling me the i don't have to learn it again...and who said gorilla's arent a big help...little hairy yes...but helpful all the same
It would save on divorce fee's as well.

You stay together until 7 years then sign some papers, then on your bike wench.

I could have used that scheme, the first time around. It would have saved a lot of anguish.

It is possible be that Frau Pauli is blowing fanfares on someone else's Horn!
You should plug your book on this blog, you know. Some of us would never have found it if it hadn't been for Sam's helpful pointer.
Thanks for the tip, Sam!

Ohhhh, Gorilla, really?! *delighted* Yes, I'd like that very much (then I could let my brother read it, 'cos he doesn't read blogs)! Thank you! Will email you right away! :-)
But what of his ageing mind, his growing beer belly and his failing eyesight after 7 years? I think she’s after a regular trade-in for a younger model with a more powerful engine.

And I had no idea Gorilla is a published author. An honour well-deserved, Mr B!
My word, German ladies of a certain age are clearly the new black. Frau Pauli, named after the Hamburg district of similarly red illumination, hasn't thought through childcare implications, but then she's 50, free, flirty and dirty and doesn't give a damn.
Mr Bananas , maybe she is hinting that your 7 year stretch is long overdue. Dont answer the phone on the 29th when the feisty frauline may make her move.
I am coming up on 10 years in May. I don't know if I want to do another 10. I don't have the energy. Life is too short to be in constant state of Blahness when it comes to your partner in life. I have lost it. whatever "it" is... or was. But I really want to go on my 10 year anniversary trip in, isn't that bad? sad more like it.

And why is it ALWAYS the women getting "fat" after years of a marriage? I disagree. My situation it is the other way around. He is fat, lazy, boring and I want out!

Wow... that felt good. What was this about again... oh yah,7 year term in marriages. I should have gotten out then. I think 7 years is the year that is started down hill.
I like this blog is fantastic, is really good written. Congratulation. Do you want to see something more? Read it...:Great investment opportunity in Costa Rica: beach real estate, condo, condos for sale. Visit us for more info at:
Is really good written
High praise indeed ! The accolades for your marvellous blog just keep rolling in Mr Bananas
Am I bitter
Oh no
***sticks pin in MR Bananas voodoo doll***
Daisy: You're welcome, Daisy. Even helpers need a little help now and again.

Tarf: I'm glad you stayed around long enough to sire the Mermaid. She was surely worth the anguish.

Mary: It's just a collection of old posts which I published to give to friends. I can send you a copy if the postage is reasonable.

Eve: I'll keep it warm for you!

Clea: Yes indeed, these things work both ways. Maybe happy couples grow fat and blind together.

Mr Boyo: She doesn't look like the breeding type to me. I suspect her ex-husbands lost the edge that a woman of her zeal requires, like gunfighters who lose their bottle.

Beast: She's a fine-looking woman, but she wouldn't take to jungle life. I think you're more her type, Beast. Why not buy a Condo in Costa Rica from Mr Cruz and settle down with Frau Pauli?

Jahooni: You'd be welcome in my jungle, but I think you're happier where you are. Fat bellies can be cured with the Japanese diet and exercise. Take control of the marriage, baby.
Jahooni Happy. Do you really think so? hymnnn... I don't think you know me that well. Guess I need to blog more personal stuff (NOT)

I would like to play in the jungle, Congo Jungle. Hymnn... maybe that will be my next 10 years! ;-)
hey, at least she supported banning scientology in germany

that has to be a plus right?
regardless of her sexual domination?
"Humans have a habit of advocating policies for the common good when they’re really trying to make life easier for themselves."

Yet another excellent observation GB. It would be interesting to hear from Ms.Pauli's mate.
Good heavens, Mr. Bananas, I had no idea your were a published ape!

Bravo, sir. Bravo INDEED!
Jahooni: You wanna play with me in the jungle! If only...let's make that our fantasy!

Kiki: Hi there Kiki! Scientology is crap but banning it would be a humourless policy. Sexual domination, on the other hand, has something to be said for it in the right circumstances.

DH: She's a divorcee. The current mate, whoever he is, better get used to playing second fiddle.

Lord Likely: I believe your own work would be more suitable for the book format, m'Lud.
I agree on the back-scratching thing. Its extremely bonding at times.
She's, like, "I'm a dull femme politician but I can still excite you pathetically by pretending that legally enfranchising my inability to maintain a long-term relationship is somehow modern and sexy." (But I've been married only 9 months, so I'm not the expert!)
this woman reminds globus of cherie blair, and globus advises similar caution in approach, potentially mentally dangerous :-)
Who indeed knows when a German woman might be useful? Eva Braun was German I believe....
Frau Pauli's ulterior motive? To get noticed by spouting any kind of crap that will earn her column inches. How depressing.
I sooo missed that Pamela post? Ahhh be back.
Wow! I didn't realize that you wrote a book! I thought you were only a blogger. Now I'm very curious as to who you are. Would there be any clues in the book?
Panu: Isn't it just? I like it done vigorously with sharp nails.

Gadjodilo: She can surely come up with better ways of exciting people than that.

Globus: I get the feeling she's more of an outdoor type than Mrs Blair. My money would be on Frau Pauli in a pole vaulting contest.

Mutley: Eva Braun was as close to being useless as any German woman. A plaything for Hitler, who may well have watched her urinate.

Ariel: Would you like a picture of her in dominatrix gear to cheer you up?

Upset Waitress: It's still there, Sugar. I won't be offended if you scroll down and look at it.

Jenny: The book is just a collection of blog posts from before October 1986. You might not find it in your local library.
Haha Gorilla. I looked at the Pamela post. Anyway, I don't think Pauli's idea is so bad. Actually, she should just advocate banning marriages altogether. I mean, most people here get divorced or have bastard children. Why do humans get married anyway? Religion? Well, if it's for some god, why does your tax status change? Oh because the government has to OK a marriage with a certificate first. Plus, why do they say "til death do us part" ? Does that mean Pauli wants to change the vows too? J

Well I say fuck it and ban the whole marriage thing. And you being a big, handsome gorilla with a nice home probably thinks "I can have all the gorilla-ettes I want" and the gorilla-ettes are thinking "while gorilla is off with my sister, I'm gonna go and get doinked by his best friend"....

Am I right? So I say, be with whoever ya wanna be with. Hell have an orgie. Nobody governs my pussy that's for sure. I do what I want with whom I want and me and my BF have been together for 15 years. I love all kinds of men as he does women. We both understand this. And no, I've never had an STD. Rah. But that's just us. Maybe too liberal? Not for me. I'm just a hairless ape. Oh, with nice boobs.

I probably make no sense what so ever. I went to happy hour :)
oh my my... it's Upset Waitress being just that. Upset. Cute. Gosh.... now I can fall asleep. Thank you. ;-)
Compare and contrast with Ursula Von der Leyen, currently German Minister for Family Affairs, mother of seven and not exactly the back of a bus either.

Are good-looking women banned from politics in the UK?
Thank you, Mr. Bananas, for your kind words as I work to regain my health from these maladies that have me down.
we need two per week. tuesday and fridays. think about it.
jahooni is right. This once a week stuff is...well, are you just a busy gorilla or something?
Upset Waitress: Well you don't need a certificate, but calling the guy you've been living with for 15 years "boyfriend" is silly. Have an unofficial marriage that meets your own definition, so you can call him "husband". You don't need anyone to join you, but I can do an on-line gorilla ceremony if you want. The terms are between you and him, I'll just give my hairy blessing.

Jahooni: I can't make up my mind whether you're bored or just impatient. One day I might oblige you.

Lady Daphne: Good looking female politicians in the UK never seem to rise far. Perhaps they lack the self-discipline of the Germans.

Saintly Nick: You're welcome, friend, I wish you a speedy recovery.

It's 3 posts every 2 weeks, ladies. That's 1.5 per week. Are you trying to rile me?
Rile? Is that what "we" do to a gorilla? I call it something else ;-)
We have to have a license to get married. I think it's like 15 bucks. Also in my state, we have to have a blood test first.
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