Friday, February 08, 2008

A nun defiled

Shocking news of a man who broke into a church to view the pornography on a nun’s computer. I hope they throw the book at this sacrilegious scoundrel. Fingering a nun’s keyboard with profane intent is a serious desecration. As for the images on her hard drive, he who ogles them with lustful eyes has surely committed a mortal sin. The fact that the man was a worshipper at the church does not excuse his behaviour in the slightest. “Sharing a nun’s pornography is no different from sharing her bed,” said Pope Alexander IV, who did both.

Security must have been lax to allow this impious fiend to enter the church and click on the holy sister’s mouse. If they can’t afford a burglar alarm, they should at least hire a couple of Rhesus monkeys to swing from the rafters. Those nosey simians would have screeched their lungs off at the intruder, pissing on his head for good measure. The puzzling question is how the man knew there was porn on the PC. Could there be a corrupt priest selling secrets from the confession box on eBay? More likely, the source was the nuns themselves. I expect the man followed them into a pub and listened to their gossip from a nearby table. Get a couple of drinks inside a nun and the contents of her desktop device will be common knowledge.

It goes without saying that there are valid spiritual reasons for a nun to download pornography. How else could she keep a watchful eye on the latest wicked vices that Satan has nurtured in the licentious loins of the faithless fornicators? She is clearly entitled to know what she has renounced in dedicating herself to holy service. In addition, it’s never a bad idea to remind the Man Upstairs of the sacrifices being made by His followers on Earth. God is obviously not the sort of bloke to take his servants for granted, but what with one thing and another he may have overlooked all the abstinence that’s going on in His name. The occasional gentle reminder at prayer time surely wouldn’t go amiss.

I’m proud to say that I always took a firm line on pornography in the circus. I would never work with clowns or dwarves who stared at pictures of naked women before entering the ring. A gorilla does not want to manhandle distracted fellows who are confused about the job in hand. The best male performers avoided porn altogether, correctly viewing it as a pastime that would sap their energy and enfeeble their minds. They preferred to satisfy their urges by mating with ugly women, so they only had sex when they really needed it and never had to work too hard to get it. As for the female artistes, looking at porn did them no harm because their energy was effectively unsappable.

My own policy on pornography is quite simple: I will never download it myself, but will review, out of courtesy, any short clips that are forwarded to me. By such means I have accumulated a fair collection over the years. (If you are thinking of sending me a snippet, please note that I don’t have the patience to look at anything longer than a minute.) The latest porn fetish seems to be “female ejaculation”, an ability evidently possessed by a relatively small number of women. I just hope that ladies who lack this particular skill don’t believe their orgasms are somehow “inferior” to the squirters. There’s a lot more to sexual fulfilment than making your cha-cha behave like a water pistol.

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I guess he was as interested to get into the "habit" as she was to get out of the "habit".

GB- "knew there was Porn on the PC".

PC- "Pious Convent"? "Pliable Confession" ?
Goodness gracious Mr Bananas, I had absolutely no idea that cha-cha's were so adept. No wonder the nun was downloading porn onto her PC, she must be doing a thesis on the "Skills of cha-cha's", so that she can keep up with the science classes at the convent school. Now that's dedication for you. "God Bless Her" I say.
When I was a child, there was a nun who came to the school to teach us once a week. She had a twinkle in her eye and often greeted us with a "wotcha" rather than anything more churchified. She was a spirited woman (no pun intended) and I'm sure one who wouldn't have batted an eyelid at a hint of porn on her poota.

I see from the news report that the scoundrel who viewed porn on the nuns' computer worked for the local Police - I wonder if they checked their own hard drives? x
It is not clear from the referenced news item as to whether the images and/or videos that the man viewed were present on the computer's hard-disk or whether he used it to download those from the internet, or, even to view those online.
I agree that she " clearly entitled to know what she has renounced..." One needs a benchmark to determine exactly how celibate you are.
I like the idea of nuns having ecclesiastical cyber sex.

'Blessed are the horny for they shall get a damn good seeing too'

I'm going to hell aren't?
*whew* I;m glad to know my orgasms aren't inferior because I don't squirt.

apropos nothing in particular, but I miss the days when nuns were recognisable by their habits (ahem). then I would never have committed the blunder of telling a plain clothed nun in my TAFE class details of the lesbian scenes ommitted from Fried Green Tomatoes. it wasn't until I dropped her home after class at a CONVENT that I realised.....
At the Old Bailey:

It is a very odd sort of world when a man (37-year-old Mark Dixie) denies the murder of an eighteen year old, (Miss Sally Ann Bowman) and says that all he did was find the repeatedly stabbed and near-naked body in a pool of blood, in the street and take advantage of the situation to have sex with her.
Tarf: I expect he'd already got into the habit and was thrilled to compare his tastes with a nun's.

Mzungu Chick: Most cha-cha's are assuredly not so adept. Your ignorance of the practice is sweet and virtuous, Miss Chick.

Kitty: I wish we could find a blogger who's a fun-loving nun. The scoundrel might have thought that his job allowed him to act with impunity.

Sidhu: You have to read between the lines. They are obviously wary of the libel laws.

Kyknoord: I think a nun should be able to give or receive the odd pat on the bum without violating her vows.

Louche: And there are many who comment here who are worthy of that blessing! I'm sure that you will repent before your final judgment.

Nursemyra: I can send you a clip if you'd like to judge for yourself. I'm sure the nun didn't object to you giving her all the lesbian titbits.

Johnny: An easy decision for the jury. He is guilty even if he is innocent.
I read the story and am still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of a nun at an Episcopal church. I didn't know the Anglicans had nuns.

Although that could explain the porn on the computer -- pretty liberal they are, what with Sunday services being a five minute Eucharist followed by brunch at the country club.

Now, Mr. Bananas, read that story closely. It doesn’t say the porn was on the hard drive; could it not be more logical that the perp was using the computer to access porn on the Internet?
There's many a purple thought 'neath the wimple. No doubt there's many a saucy knicker beneath the habit too. Why shouldn't nuns enjoy a bit of silk next to their thighs? It's not like they're ever going to suffer from Visible Panty Line, is it?
Okay, so I bought the whole Pope thing, but I'm seriously thinking it was more of a "Nuns on the Run" kind of a deal. That is to say, the nun must have been a man in drag. What is the world coming to? First those knitting nuns in Italy getting nailed for fraud and now a nun downloading porn?
By the way, if any woman is successful at e-jacking, more power to her, I guess. Since I'm just a dried up old prune, I try and keep mine securely locked up where I can put it to good use.
Looking at that photo again, I rest my case; this nun looks like a cross between Sister Wendy and Sir Ian Richardson of "House of Cards" fame.
Well I'm a fun-loving blogger, and I'm sure I could hire a costume if it would help? ;-) x
Randall: Maybe the nun was there on an exchange scheme and was taking advantage of the laxer internet access at the Anglicans.

Saintly Nick: Your desire to absolve the holy sister is noble, but look at her face! She's enjoying herself too much to be innocent.

Sam: It should be part of their training to know the devil and his works.

Kathleen: Come on, Kat, your prunes must have a fair bit of juice in them! I'm glad someone appreciated the picture. It's good to know a woman that age can still have fun.

Kitty: You could pretend you were a nun, but your children wouldn't really fit into the narrative.
She has a dirty habit :-D
This post begs the question: do gorillas get turned on by human porn?
OH I love this... LOL!

> They preferred to satisfy their urges by mating with ugly women, so they only had sex when they really needed it and never had to work too hard to get it. As for the female artistes, looking at porn did them no harm because their energy was effectively unsappable.
Beautiful, gorilla... LOL!

> There’s a lot more to sexual fulfilment than making your cha-cha behave like a water pistol.
*Laughing again* From your many posts, I do have cause to believe you're a genius, gorilla...
Female ejaculation is quite common. I often ejaculate, for example in the supermarket when I notice how much the price of self-raising flour has gone up. "Egad!" I go. Or if I snag my lisle stockings on a fence, I might ejaculate "Bother!". It's far more common than you think. I expect lady gorillas merely grunt.
If I were a nun, I would totally need pornography.

Oh wait. I'd never be a nun.
i was studying to be a nun when i was younger (much younger)...i thought it was such a noble thing...yada yada...then the sex thing happened...and while i am not a water pistol...i have some significant orgasms and decided just looking at porn and making myself happy was not wonder they hit us so much in school...i would be frustrated as well...
Definition of frustration - a nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.
I waited and waited but there was no squirting.
Good heavens !
Sinful sisters and ejaculating cha cha's.
Its a dangerous world out there
Which is worse:

1. Squirting cha-chas
2. Porn in convents
3. Gorillas in nuns
4. Nun of the above

Mr. Banana, I have just discovered your highly entertaining blog, through your comment on my humble blog. Thank you for the so-far-only-bright-spot in my day.
Ha ha...I just find it terribly funny that a nun would look at porn. I don't really know why, but that thought just makes me giggle. And I love that last part about not feeling bad because my girly part won't do the water pistol thing. I've tried and tried, but apparently I don't have what it takes to make it behave in such a manner. Which is fine because the orgasms it does provide are just great!
Joanne: Good one!

Clea: Do gorillas get turned on by human porn? Not by anything visual, but possibly by good sound effects.

Eve: Why thank you, Miss, I take pleasure in your pleasure!

Lady Daphne: Do ladies still say "Pshaw"? I'd love to get my females to say that.

Kara: If you were a nun, Missy, your loins would burn with passion most holy.

Daisy: I'm glad you learned how to please yourself before knowing man. I think that's important.

g.k.: Doesn't that depend on where the cucumbers are pointing?

Minx: It's a tricky skill to master, but you have the look of one who might be capable.

Beast: Don't act so innocent, Beast. Didn't you once send me a clip?

Madam Z: And thank you, Madam, for dropping by. "Gorillas in nuns" is the worst, although such an outrage would never occur.

Naughty: Hello, Miss Naughty! I have no doubt you cum fantastically without squirting! That's just a party trick for show-offs.
So, curious, how exactly do these women squirt? Is it something they're born to do? Or is it something that you have to learn to do?

And for the record, there are some pretty hot nuns out there. The pic of the nun you chose, well, she's so close to being a super model.
I actually read that all women have the potential to squirt. It's all down to technique, patience, practice and some self-control.

Needless to say, armed with these instructions I am very much awaiting my girlfriend's next visit to these shores. Roll on April...
hey mister gorilla, we need you, here:
I'm amazed that women CAN perform such tricks. Clearly I've been missing out, or else I just haven't been hanging out as long as those nuns...
"Definition of frustration - a nun doing press ups in a cucumber field."

Definition of double frustration - the cucumbers are lying flat.
I was wondering if it was lesbian pornography and if so maybe the Nuns made it themselves? There is along tradition of Nunneries selling things they make themslves like tea cakes and wine...
I've always wondered about nuns. One of my good friends went to a Catholic girls' school where the students were not allowed to wear patent leather shoes. The idea was that in a toilet stall the wearer of patent leather might unwittingly reflect the nether regions of the occupant of an adjoining stall, or perhaps her own; I forget which. I've always had an active imagination, but I swear, I would NEVER have thought of that one. You really have to wonder about anyone whose mind can come up with such a scenario.
Puts it a new spin on being sprinkled with " Holy Water".
Cha, cha,Cha.

D.I.Y.-Spiritual Enlightenment?????
I have always had my doubts about the flagellation bit.
Upset Waitress: They squirt like tangerines. Send me an e-mail if you want to see a clip. Here's a hot nun for you.

Mosher: She's making you wait for it, isn't she? That's what I call a trusting relationship.

Peach: I'll dig out something from my archives.

Rosanna: It's all very real for the few who are capable, Rosanna.

g.k.: You're making me feel frustrated on her behalf now.

Mutley: It's not forbidden in holy scripture, but haven't nuns got better things to do?

Mary: Are yes, the old "shine your shoes to get a good reflection of the genitals" trick. Invented by a circus clown, I believe.

Tarf: Is a squirting nun technically possible? And who would do the bottling?

Pi: I'll believe it when I see it.
Am I too late to make a 'habit' joke?

Ah, yes. It would appear so. BLAST AND BUGGERATION!

I have nothing else to add.
"There’s a lot more to sexual fulfilment than making your cha-cha behave like a water pistol."

womankind shall surely remember and commend on this wonderous thought.
female ejaculation sounds like a story of elfs who help santa...or maybe a story of a nun who plays in a porn movie with Ron Jeremy
Lord Likely: It matters not m'Lud. Content yourself with thoughts of nuns who would renounce their vows for a taste of Lord Palmerstone.

Panu: I hope my statement will reassure women in these times of unseemly braggadocio.

Spew-it-all: Santa, you say? That stocking-stuffer would lap it up for breakfast.
Mr Bananas HEEELPPP!!! I am having soo much trouble leaving comments on your blog!!

Me thinks your Comment Box hates me!!!
Ok that was weird!! I tried a few times and suddenly my comment gets posted!!

In fact i left a comment here a few days ago but it didn't get posted.

Your Comment Box is soo asking for an ass whooping!!

Also a squirting cha cha is just such a turn off la...NO! NO! NO!
I'm sorry about the comments box, Sabrina. Maybe you were trying to post at the same time as someone else. Have you seen a squirting cha-cha?
I've seen the squirters before. It's not a turn-on for me, but my BF. He loves that kind of trash. Curious if it's something ya learn to do, you know, just in case I get the sudden urge to act like a trash bag :)
Yes actually, i have...some porno flick. It was pretty gross!
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